I wanna be really really good at something,
What could it be?

Those nights
Sleep runs and hide
All that's left
Thoughts you have been avoiding all your life.

Voices,
what the world expects of you
Parents expecting of you

Maybe ,
Your path is different.
The light at the end of the tunnel
Just an opening ,
To another tunnel.

Why does it seem so hard
To ignore the voices
Live your life.
Why?

I know .. I know
There is a right time for everything
But I have this insane urge
so strong I can't think straight

I wanna come to you
Tell you you mean the world to me
Ask you to hold me in your arms
Never let me go

I have an urge that shakes me
like an exposed leaf on a windy day
I wanna tell you
How you make me happy
You are all i've been waiting for
I wanna share my life with you

I have an urge
To ask if you feel the same way
If you want this too
But thats all it is
An Urge ,Discomfort in my heart.

Deep down
I'm too scared for the answer
For rejection
Because I'm thinking
If you had the same urges
You'd have said something.
Yes, You would have
So I bottle it all down
Hope it all goes away
So i can see you
Purely as a friend
Just like you see me.

Cupid never wants me to lose sight of love
Every time I almost give up
He brings me right up
Someone I didn't even notice
Nor pay much attention to.

Someone as sweet as can be
Wants to know me
Looks at me with such adoration
Calls me Beautiful in the Morning
With my messy hair,
And running makeup.

Someone so easy to be with
So conveniently easy
Simple, realistic,
Maybe a little surreal.

I may not have a future with him
But at the moment
I'm so glad I met him
With his adorable, tall self,
Pure confidence and agility
Yet so passionate and warm

Where have you been?
All this time,
I've been torturing myself
For people who'd care less.
Where have you been?
All this time.

Why can't I answer that,
Without wanting to please ,
My loved ones.

Do I even know,
What I want?

It's been changing,
From being a nun
To being a parent.
A grand Parent.

I need to find out
What do I want?

Keep you with me ,
My heart can't bare the thought
Of you not in my life
My mind can't sustain the thought of it.

You have a way
To make me laugh
when I least expect to.

If it were upto me
I wouldnt be this far away
from you
I'd build us,
Build this raw beautiful thing
we found between us.

I can't bare it ,
Loosing us.
I won't bare it.
I just can't
Loose you.

I know
We don't have such a strong connection
I know that
You don't think of me
The way I do.

My heart
Fell in love with you
With no real reason
Not right ones anyway.

I know
I don't mean as much to you.
Sometimes I wonder
Do you ever
Think of me.
Would you ever
Against all odds
Feel the same way.
Would you?

For one awkward moment,
I stared into those eyes
Looking for a glimpse,
A spark, a light,
A hope.

I stared into those eyes
With longing and passion
With patience and keen

I searched deep within
For a sense of belonging
For a graze of adore
For a sparkle of love
For anything

All I saw was nothing
As I looked away
Feeling the crush in my heart
"You let it happen again", I told myself
You fell for someone
Who doesn't feel the same way.

"You did it again,
You *******",
I told myself.
Masking the pain, the sound of my shattered heart,
The length of my hope and the future of us.
Watching it all tumble down.

"You *******".

Don't watch those
Romantic movies
That kind of  love
Doesn't exist.

Don't go around
Looking for that love
You will never find it
It doesn't exist.

When you meet that someone
Who understands you
Sticks by you
Puts you first
Hang on to him
It's the closest to real love
As you will ever get .

All the rest
Are lustful  passions
Which burn out
As fast as they came
Leaving behind
The worst of heartaches.

Dear Younger me
Be wiser
Guide your heart
Don't let it be as broken
With so much despair
With very little,
To hold on to.