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heaving breaths and it
feels like gods choking
me again, my vocal cords
are strained, my voice
a squeak. Invisible
tears stain my cheeks,
still dry. I'm imploding
and becoming super-nova
or maybe a black hole
instead. Screaming a
whisper:

H E L P
M E
You ever just feel so unable to speak that it's like a chain around your neck?
Even though you want more than anything to talk about it?
I used to get that a lot.
anthem; my song
plays, and I will
wind my own turnkey.
I'll dance, shaking
off the rust of shame
and regret;
it won't stop me.

If I'm stuck looking back
at the past, how will I ever
see the present?
Loosed strands of wanting, willing,
tossed by thought-winds,
day and night.
Heart's hope gathers
in the morning light,
to stumble and fall
when the darkness comes.
I would've liked another tomboy to catch tadpoles with,
but the boys hung out with other boys,
and the  girls, well, I guess they didn't
enjoy mucking about in a silty pond
with a smellyAussie Shepherd named Duke.

On a hot summer day, the murky water
was cooling, and the slinky little fellas
provided a challenging hunt. I imagined
they came up from a subterranean kingdom
with a Father and Mother Frog watching
from below. But I was quick, and
Duke would alert me to nearby swimmers.

Together we'd catch and release a dozen or so,
never meaning to harm. Except one day,
I decided to take some home in a glass
milk bottle. I hid it in the woods near my house
and forgot about it. Never again!
I considered them my friends, playmates.

I grew up straight, in case you're wondering.
So you see, girls can play dressup with paper dolls
AND build hideouts, go fishing,
climb trees, catch tadpoles, even read
Popular Mechanics cover to cover,
sketching self-driving cars that floate above
the road (on what, I wasn't sure).
But it was what I loved to do.

Explore, experiment, challenge, PLAY!
And my slimy friends were as good as any
to play with. They didn't disapprove
of my wild ways like many parents in
my uptight little town. But now that I
think of it, there was one boy who invited me
to climb trees with him.

He was lonely, living with his grandparents.
Before I headed back home one day,
he told me his Granny said "You could've picked
a prettier girl to bring home."
Like the song says "Que sera, sera." But it
did make me worry about my looks.
That was the last summer I chased tadpoles.
Sitting on my porch
Watching fireflies do their dance
A light show for me.
Why do people,
give to you a compliment,
take back with next breath
Zoo
A day at the zoo.
Monkeys are staring at me.
Whose observing who?
The circus is real life
The clowns that give you a laugh
Also frighten you.
I didn’t
See
The emboldening.

I was so
Busy
Catching
Breath,
And butterflies,
I didn’t know
The times inside
And covered,
Were practice
For these times
Outside,
Exposed.

And we diminish
What we’ve built
In ways
We hope
Are tippy
Tops,
In thin air,
Just for show.

But I worry
There are young ones,
And tender souls
Up there.

I didn’t
See
The emboldening.

And the butterflies
Have pins
Through
Their bellies.
I
See you
Here
In
These
Four walls
Soft and strong and earnest,
As we snip
And weave
And mold
And sing
The fear
And grief
That seeps
Into stories
We can’t quite
Bring ourselves
To tell.
I see you
Here
Seeing me
Blinking
Away water
Seeking
A way forward
In time,
The only
Way
We move
Within
Walls
Unbroken
And heavy
With our
Works.
It’s loud outside,
The crumbling.
And —
That last piece
Really spoke
To me.
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