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Shanna Thomas Mar 2019
I have a lot of issues and I'm very indecisive. One thing i'm not indecisive about is you. The way you make me feel, there's not enough ink in the world to write it down. Not enough paper.  Not enough air in the world to Express my feelings. I want to shout it to the world. Let everyone know. I love your smile. I love your intelligence. The crinkle in your nose when you laugh. Your kisses, God your kisses take my breath away. Being in love is not even the correct word to describe how I'm feeling. I think about you everyday, I want to see you everyday. I wonder what your doing at a certain moment, and wonder if we're doing the same thing. I love how you challenge me to be a better person. I love how you've never given up on me. You believe in me, even when I don't believe in myself. I love how logical you are. I love how you make me believe in love. I love love. I love you. I love how happy you get when you talk about your students. I love that you know what you want, and you're not afraid to go for it. I constantly want to talk to you. I love your voice… when you talk and especially when you sing. It's like listening to angels. I love this feeling im experiencing and hope it never ends. Because of you I love love and I love you.
Shanna Thomas Mar 2019
I wear a rainbow bodysuit and my friends say,  you can't wear that anymore, you're not gay. I started dating a guy, so I guess that makes me straight. As if my gayness no longer exists. As if my gayness can just go away. Just dissolve. Something I can turn off and on. I tell my boyfriend I want to go to pride, and he looks at me bewildered, like why do you need to go to pride? You're straight. I break up with my boyfriend. My gay friends question what happened to the lesbian in me? As If she died because I'm dating a guy. As if I labeled myself in a box. As if I labeled anything about me. As if… a gay girl cannot date a guy and still be gay. As if 24 years of fighting for my rights gets diminished the moment I date a guy. I break up with my boyfriend. I am ******* pansexual. I love based off of personality, emotions, feelings. I don't see gender… No I'm not ******* bisexual, so don't even go there. I have every right to date who the **** I want, when the **** I want, wherever  the **** I want and **** who ever has a problem with it. My straight friends say it's about time. Now you can settle down, get married, have kids. I guess I couldn't do that before when I was “gay” right? Cause God forbid gay people get married, let alone have kids. Cause gay people can't settle down right? I break up with my boyfriend. I'm welcomed back into a community. A community that doesn't support me. That tells me i'm bisexual. I'm greedy. I don't know what I want. How can we support each other if there's bullies within? If our foundation is flawed, anyone can tear us down. And rip away everything we've worked so hard for. I break up with my boyfriend.
Shanna Thomas Mar 2019
Stop telling me what to do, how to speak, how to feel.
I'm not listening to you anymore.
You don't control me
I am reclaiming my body, my life
I am reclaiming me
For many years you had me restrained.
I listened to every word that left your Lips
Like the wind blowing through the trees
I listened
And I felt, and I heard….
And I hurt.
You don't control me.
I am reclaiming my body, my life
I am reclaiming me
And no matter how many times you afflict pain on me,
Leaving me bruised and scarred
I will not listen.
My ears are clogged up to your voice
And I will not listen.
My feelings you cannot manipulate
And I will not listen
This mind control you once had over me is pulverized
And I will not listen
You still try to speak, demanding attention with every word that leaves your pitiful mouth
Like you are the teacher and I am the student
But is it not time for the student to become the teacher
I will annihilate you, extinguish you, nuke and shatter you
Until you are the one begging for my forgiveness
Until you are the one deal dealing with the pain I dealt with for far too long
Until you are the one that everyone abhors.
You see…
I've been dealing with you since the 5th grade.
You are the pesky mosquito in my ear that I cannot assassinate.
You are always there
And I can't eradicate you
You don't control me
I am reclaiming my body, my life
I am reclaiming me.
Depression, anxiety I am terminating your hold over me
This relationship is deceased.
Your words are mute in my ear
And I cannot listen.
Shanna Thomas Mar 2019
I fear for your life, more than you'll ever know.
You're the best friend, I didn't even know I needed.
I fear for your skin, your voice, your actions.
I fear that one day I'll wake up and not hear your voice.
That I'll wake up one day and not see your face.
I'll wake up one day and not feel your hugs, lingering on my skin long after you've let go.
I fear.
I fear for everything about you.
Because you've already lost before you can even try to win.
Born to this world with mahogany skin…
that is death itself.
That is a death sentence you didn't even know you had.
You were born to this world chained and shackled and you'll never be given the key.
You'll forever walk on eggshells, forever have to pass the test. The test of life.
You will always have to prove yourself in more ways than one.
I am scared for you.
Scared for you.
Scared when you get pulled over by the police…
Scared that they just see another black boy that doesn't deserve a place in this world.
I fear that I'll get that dreaded call, with my mom profusely crying on the other end…
My heart breaks because you'll never get the chance.
The chance for them to see that you are more than the color of your skin.
That you are more than the nappiness in your hair.
More than the deepness in your voice.
That you are a son, a brother, a grandson, a friend and a boyfriend with so much to live for.
That you are a college degree.
A musician.
An athlete.
That you are loved, by the world and the world loves you.
I fear for things that you shouldn't have to worry about.
My sweet baby brother I fear for things you'll never understand. I fear for your life.
A life you may never live.
I fear for the tears that streamed from my grandmother's face as you left for college.
I fear.
I fear for you.
I fear for your life.
I fear for the chance you may never get.
I fear...
Shanna Thomas Mar 2019
Palms sweating, heart palpitating, emotions rushing.
She telling me things that I don't want to hear.
Me listening to lies, knowing how conniving she can be at times.
She doesn't want me happy, I'm positive of this.
As long as I'm uncomfortable in a room full of people, she has won.
She is winning.
I'm losing this battle, a battle so many of us face.
A battle with someone we know oh to well.
A battle that no one from the outside, looking in knows we're experiencing. A battle that seems like a losing fight…
A long, tremendous, life draining battle.
A battle with our demons inside.
Our mental health.
Anxiety I'm talking to you.
Depression don't think I forgot about you either.
Some days are harder than others.
Trust me I get it.
But I promise it gets better, and this battle we will soon win.
Just keep persevering and don't let them win.
I think it's time we won.
I think it's time I won.
I'm winning.
Shanna Thomas Mar 2019
Slowly you strip me, baring my nakedness for the world to see. Immediately covering my body with my hands, you reach for them and tell me no. You wanted the world to see the beauty that is Me. Fighting the urge not to cry, sink or run away. You exposed me, and all the flaws I try to compress. You exposed me, and read my body like an open book. You exposed me. And for that I am grateful. You exposed me and allowed me to be open, not just with other people but with the monster within. You exposed me and allowed me to be free.
Shanna Thomas Mar 2019
You don't notice the new scars on my arm... They've been there for a while now... I made some new ones today... I just feel so alone in this world... Like no one really cares... I just think my mental illness is getting the better of me... And honestly I'm not going to fight it any more... So one day you'll probably come home and see me lying on the floor, cold, lifeless... But know that I'm at peace...I'm happier now... I cant make you happy anymore... And that's totally okay. I'm content with that... But the fact that you're still staying with me... It puzzles me... Why stay with a suicidal maniac... A crazy
person... I need to be in a mental hospital... Locked away... In a straight jacket... Where I cant cause anymore harm... To you or to myself... But you don't notice the scars, you ignore the signs... I cry... A lot... You don't notice the fake smile... That I'm wearing this mask... I'm taking it off tonight... Maybe you'll realize before its too late... Then again you probably wont... Its not your fault... I'm just really good at acting... You don't realize
the pain... The constant struggle i have with myself... To be... Perfect... You don't realize the hurt.. When my tears hit the pillow and you're not there... But its okay. I forgive you... Just hope you can forgive me... One day... You don't realize the sadness... But you'll realize it... That day... That day that I'm gone...
I just want to say that I wrote this when I was going through a very dark time in my life. I'm just happy that I was able to get through and be here today!
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