It's been four years since I last wrote anything here; reading my past stuff makes me squirm a little at how dramatic I was back then but I guess I haven't changed as much as I would like to believe. I'm not really sure what I want this account to be now; before it was obvious that it was just an outlet to let my negative emotions out but I'm past that part in my life, I think? I guess I just want to say what I feel and not worry about how it will change how people see me.
That already sounds pretty shallow though doesn't it? I think so, but I don't want to trouble anyone or make them feel bad for me. Its strange that after all this time of feeling at least okay to really good, I'm starting to feel sad again; I wonder why that is? I guess it's because I feel like no one cares about me as much as I care about them. It's hard to believe someone when they say they care about you and then when you try to reach out you don't hear back from them. I get that everyone is busy, I'm pretty busy too, but you don't have enough time to spare a few seconds to reply?
That's where the problem comes in you see? I can't tell anyone that because all it will do is make them feel bad and create a fake version of what I'm looking for. I guess what I really want is for someone to genuinely care enough to just take the 5 seconds to say something back, I already did the hard part by saying something first right?

I promise to love you unconditionally and wholly, in sickness and in health, in poverty and in wealth and to inspire you to be a better person in a little way each day and always respect and listen to what you have to say.
I promise to stay at your side, for better or for worse, to never leave you because you are a blessing and not a curse. To support your dreams and thoughts, and to cry with and hold you during our roughest spots.
Today I take you to be my wife, for you I would gladly give up my life.
I take this ring as a reminder for our lasting commitment to one another. I take this ring as a symbol to stay loyal to each other.
I have only but a single life, and I now pledge it to you my one and only wife.

Theres nothing like writting on pages and filling them with your mind

i was about to write something, but these thoughts should be written in a journal, not made public to make me seem desperate for attention when really i just want to get these feelings out

Someone please hold me back from breaking something

It's not going to be today, you're just going to keep pushing it farther and farther back

I wish i was exaggerating on how its always one good thing then a string of bad.

My luck is always the worst, i always complain about how i'm cursed. But i'm not lying, it ***** how hard im always trying. Good fortune just doesnt come my way that much, when it does its always just a touch.

It never hangs around, it always feels like I'm hell bound. Why can't I just be free? Why can't I just say "I'm glad to be me"?

I hate my luck, and its not just my attitude. I always try to have gratitude!

The universe just hates me, what rotten luck! I wish the majority of things that happened to me didnt ****. I wish it didnt feel like im being tested, i just want to feel rested! I want to have a break from this, i want to have a turn in being surrounded by bliss. I want things to work in my favor, not always tasting a bitter flavor.

Somday ill get my turn, someday ill be free but until then....its just bad luck and me.

How quick i am to leave permenant reminders on my body for moments of psychological pain

But then again, those moments are excruciating and overwhelming, swalloing all other thoughts

~the most over rated ******* in the world

Time the most precious thing in the world, the thing that constantly slips through our fingers

Nothing will stop it, nothing can stop it

It is the ink that spells out the words for our life stories and one day

**the ink will run dry

Would you yell at me to hold your hand and touch your face while you held my limp body and brushed my pale face?

"Don't ever let her go to bed crying and upset"
*what about him?

I'm am the ocean, I can be
beautiful and **dark

I'm the boy who always wore shorts and a t shirt
I'm the boy that never felt pain
I'm the boy who never got cold
I'm the boy that was brilliant
I'm the boy that always was the toughest
I'm the boy that was said to be indestructible

I'm now the boy that wears long sleeves
I'm the boy who laughs sometimes but not as much as I used to
I'm the boy that doesn't try anymore
I'm the boy that gave everything he had to one girl
I'm the boy that's had his heart broken beyond recognition
I'm the boy who gives himself bruises
I'm the boy that's had his world plunged into darkness

**im the boy that's still holding on

The bullets fly, tearing flesh and skin
Hiding behind crossed arms, blood flying in the wind

Each hit like a huge bite, making the blood take flight

It covers te ground making everything red.

Hot, dry, no water in sight
The sun let's down burning light
For survival you fight, pushing forward with all your might

Skin cracked lungs bathing in sand each breath feels like a meal of niddles impalling you inside tears dry you can't even cry

The journey seems infinite there's no water in sight the wind more celascent than the sun dreams of rivers unfold as our minds are enveloped hope is dead we are doubters in the land of vultures

The vultures circling with winds blowing
A storm of sand envelopes the land. It fills your lungs making you cough and hack all while the sun and sand beat on your back
It gets in your eyes and you can no longer see nor stand, eyes shut, at the mercy of the sand

In trash
That's all I am to you
You broke me and threw me away
I'm trash to you I'm ******* trash

My mood is at absolute zero right now

I really wonder about you.
I don't think you're ever going to love me as much as you said you would.
I don't think you'll ever appreciate me staying as much as you should.

I never gave up on you, no matter what you put me through.
Broken promises, heart, skin I never threw you away like putting trash in a bin.
You've taken what I've given, but hardly returned, when will it be my turn?
To take.
To feel love.
When will it be my turn to feel like I'm put above?

You'll never love me like you should because after all.....
**you dumped me and wore another guys hood

If you're into my poems, follow me on Twitter for similar tweets
Username: @SuishoKaigan

Why is it that when I want to die, I feel **immortal

Slicing open your wrists and forcing yourself to smile

If you get sick at the thought of someone else touching me
**why are you touching someone else

She continues to feel the warmth flow through her hands then drip off, staining her hands and clothes. Her cheek is pressed against his head, "shh you'll be okay, you'll be okay"
His face is pale and his breathing is getting weaker, his eyes glossy.
"Don't die....please don't die" she chokes out as she feels him starting to go limp in her arms.
She pulls him to her tighter and buried her face into his hair
"Please don't die...." She whispers
His body finally goes limp, eyes still a little open but with no light.
They sit there. He is dead, slain by his own hand.

I'm envious of you two.

You both look so happy, truly in love.
You had to wait until he broke up with her and he finally did. Now you two are together, looking happier than ever.
You're being silly and goofy together, you laying on her lap.
You guys truly look happy.
You love her
And she loves you
I'm truly envious of you two

I'm so worn out

Thank you for being here for me when I felt alone and sad.
Thank you for listening to me scream when I was mad.

You understand my pain because youve gone through it too.
Very quickly, I opened up to you.
I told you what hurt, what made me scream and shout and you in return, calmed them into pouts.
You've calmed me down and made me feel like I wasn't alone.
You always help my mood quiet down into a calmer tone.

Thank you moona, thank you for listening to me
You always help me set my pain free :)

"Your personality dropped by another 20 degrees"

And?

loads five in the cylinder and spins it before locking it back into place

*pulls trigger

"Careful chief, if you dig up the past all you'll get is *****"

I got ****** knuckles

He runs into the woods alone, sad from what he's seen. He runs and runs through the greens, wondering for the future what it means.

Slowly he walks home, a cave hidden in the trees. He lets soft cries of sadness get lost in the breeze.

He lays down, head low, the sadness in his heart continues to grow. Large warm tears form and fall, sadness running deep.

Slowly, the bear cries himself to sleep

When she holds his hand back and you die inside

Cool

I'm just not feeling happy and want to be alone and cry

Darkness seeps from the cracks as they grow wider and longer. Pieces chip and fade, there's pain like that of a cut from a blade.
Sadness, despair, dread and fear all burst forth from cracks that are long and appear.
Memories bring old pain, fear of the future makes you insane. Another crack appears

**and another piece of your heart brakes off and fades away

Oh how I hope and pray you're not hanging out with him today

You know you're really out of energy when you can't even get negative energy from painful memories

I love you

You're the one that makes me feel whole, the one who sheds light on my tired soul.

Push your lips to mine. Hold me and tell me everything will be fine. Tell me our dreams will come true, tell me "I can't live without you"

Tell me I'm the core of your heart like you are for mine, say *I love you
And plant flowers in my mind.

My mind was destroyed by the pain of the past, shrouded in darkness, broken needing a cast. Say I love you and erase the dark. Say I love you and leave your love's mark.

Plant flowers in the wickedest parts of my soul, where darkness continues to take its toll. Say I love you and leave your love's mark.
*Claim my heart as yours and say it does not belong to the dark

I don't like it whenever you say you have to leave.....mostly because I don't want you to go, but also because I'm sad you most likely text him while we're not talking....

"Wow it upset you that much? Gotta love social media eh m?"

I don't care what your precious monk says, you can't ******* buy salvation so stop sending thousands of dollars and destroying your marriage

You might believe her when she says you're going to be rich but nothing she's said has come true in the four years you started doing this and tell me this. Are you really so ******* greedy you'd throw away your marriage and tear your family apart all for money? You asked me if I would be okay having to keep living this lifestyle over and over again and you can be **** sure I would be. We have everything we need and more so there's no need to be greedy and try to get more.

Nothing good can come from greed and you better know that I'm not sending a dime to your monk because when you send her the last of your money, she's going to leave you in the dirt.

You can't buy salvation in any religion, that's something they can all agree on. You're not following a religion.

**You're following a cult

Umm should I just go to bed then........?

**** my stupid stomach......I get so ******* prone to getting angry when I'm hungry......

Between crying and screaming in anger

Punch the wall until you make it bleed with your blood

Does anyone else get angry enough to the point that it blows your sickness away

Being so aggravated that you dig your nails into your palm until it bleeds

Thinking about you going to a party with a guy when you're all dressed up ***** :/

sighs

Shivering at the thought of you making even more guy friends, talking to them, and getting to know them better