Married with a purpose, always dreamt of a different life all together
This is the reason I don’t believe in god
And why should I,
I don’t know if all this makes sense or not
Is this the case with god that whatever you ask from him
He ll give you totally opposite of the same
I certainly asked for a life happier and more stable than this
Days pass by and I don’t find a single reason to be happy
Days pass by and I don’t find a moment of stableness
Days pass by and all I feel is numbness and pain
Days pass by and all I feel is more distant from my soul
Why only heart dead brain dead is considered to be dead
Isn’t the person who has stopped to feel happiness pain sorry
Who has forget how it is to be happy at all
How it is to feel normal and yourself
How it is to be close to your partner
How it is to have fun in life !!


Why soul dead is not considered to be dead!!
I am not alive why this is not a death in itself!

The journey started from me looking for a partner loyal, family oriented, committed, knowledgeable and sort of an ideal ma

quite opposite to him
but now looking back, it strikes me major things in ife are sense of humor, fun, friends, understanding, someone who aspires to be better each day,  

and now it just makes me sick that none of this is there
I feel am stuck in walls surrounded with heavy silence, no laughter and smiles, orthodox mindset, traditional setup, no way to improve on yourself

I don't understand why this world has defined how a daughter in law should be
What should she wear
How should she talk
When should she wake up
What should she eat
And most important of all
In the mindset of the Indian Society she shouldn't leave the house at all

this is what i am facing
i feel that it is sin to speak up your mind
when i was always taught the opposite
i feel in the scenario like this it is sin to be who you are
and I have always followed the opposite

I am expected to change myself
because apparently i dont fall under the definition of ideal "bahu"

And Why marriage comes with so many compromises on adjustments
and as far as i am understanding girls here are expected to adjust in the family
why??? are we not human beings
Why we are not allowed to dream
Why we are not allowed to speak up against the wrong happening to them
Why we are just expected to be silent and say nothing

I dont know who will survive this
this is getting difficult each day

i feel somebody has caged me in an apartment luring me with open windows that there is a world outside but no you are not allowed to leave as per your wishes

I feel somebody has caged me in a room you are not allowed to keep open because thats not the way it should be, apparently doesnt fall under their list of ideal bahu

I feel somebody has caged me in a place you are not allowed to wear eat breathe sit stand as per your wishes

I know all this can be easy but not for a person like me

whose basis of survival is the word "Freedom"
Freedom to eat sleep talk act roam listen sit stand wherever and whenever
as per her heart

The world here is expecting her to just give up on herself totally.
but then what they are getting in return??

what happiness they will get in return
where will this take them ??
Nowhere!!!
they will be left with a person who is  lifeless and colorless

Nobody to hear me screaming
Nobody to see me drowning

This is affecting my inner soul
but who is bothered??
noone!!!

because now that i am married , i am their asset
and no am not allowed to live my life as per my wishes

Because
"Bahu" is expected to make compromises and adjustments each day.

There is this thing which I don’t understand why is it so hard for people to communicate

I am not able to live my life fully here I am confused all the time I don’t understand what I am doing

I believe I shouldn’t have married at all
This is not the life I wanted for myself or for my future kids

Life is suffocating here
I know my parents they will not understand what I am going through

All these restrictions, I am not able to bear any of these in my life anymore.
Life has become so stressful it isn’t easy here

People question you a lot where are you going why you are going
Don’t do this do this
You shouldn’t do this
Why you are wearing this

My vibe doesn’t match with people here
My thought process is entirely different it’s more liberal

I am the wrong person they have settled on
From morning to night nothing seems easy here.

I want to live free keeping all the judgements aside
I wish to achieve heights in life
Talk to random people learn about their life their experiences
Talk your heart out
I don’t want to settle here
Break free
Live free

Each day of my life here I am thinking to quit

But I don’t have the courage and again I ll be alone
I guess I don’t have option and quitting is not easy

Let it be

So here I am again
With the confused state of mind

What I was thinking when I was making this decision for life
Did I think it through
Did I considered all the possibilities

Looking it back I believe I could have done better
I deserved better but as it is said it is the destiny that decides the way and you are just the carrier
Maybe that’s true maybe that’s not

But this is heavy
The feeling to leave all that I am living right now
The feeling to feel alone despite being surrounded by millions
The feeling to constantly taken wrong
The feeling to just change the one decision you took and life could have been better

I didn’t think this through and I seriously didn’t

There were numerous things happening around you that time and the decision wasn’t taken in a righteous state of mind

And yes certainly it wasn’t
When I see the relation constantly drifting apart and collapsing each day like a building collapsing after a heavy magnitude quake

Can it be repaired?
I wonder it can

The words, you can not take back
And words are all it takes

To make or break.

You want this to work?
I don’t know
You want this not to work?
I don’t know

But leaving is not easy
You don’t what’s there in the future
But isn’t life all about taking risk?
Again, till when?

When will I be stable then?
When will I think bigger in life?
Maybe now?
No?
Maybe tomorrow?
Yes?

Situations are in your hand
It certainly is in your hands
All you have to do is make peace with it and accept it.

Babes you don’t have to prove anyone
You know what you are
And why can’t this be enough?

But isn’t it unfair that the person sleeping next to you takes you as his biggest enemy?

Can you do something about it?
Sometimes I wonder why don’t I have a pill to pop up for that
But yes this isn’t a disease that can be treated with a prescription.
It’s a life
Has to be treated with actions

Or maybe life is the disease and actions are it’s medicine.
Maybe yes.
Maybe I should start it all over again.

After hearing all this?
Will you be able to??
Maybe I haven’t learned to give up this easily!!
But isn’t 8 months to long for that?
Maybe too short in comparison to the life time commitment you made.

Maybe I should think
Think and just think
Change and let this sink in.

Take one step at a time but take daily.