You were lying

You can only play on a joke so much
Before it isn't a joke to someone anymore

When the air ran out and we both started running wild
The sky fell down
But you've got stars in your eyes
And I've got something missing tonight

What do you do when you were told as a child you aren't lovable
When every boy in the class rated you a three out of ten
How do you make up the confidence torn down
How do you be affectionate when every piece of affection was bottled up
Because no one wanted it

My head hasn't stopped throbbing
Because of the past hour of crying

I guess if I had to say it
I'm afraid of being in a relationship
What if I mess it up
What if I don't meet expectations
What if I'm not good at being romantic
What if I'm not compatible
What if
What if
What if

The boy wasn't okay
He was depressed
He saw dead people
He needed help, but
No one was there
I thought what would I do
I would **** myself
Now stop. Your worried now
You think I'm depressed
Suicidal? No. So stop.
Only in his situation would I
But that's what scares me
That boy never found happiness
Even sunlight and people
It never made him truly happy
What if I will never be happy?
What happens if the mountains
Don't make me warm and smile
But they do. So stop worrying
Look at the pictures on your walls
I am happy? But it's not visible
All you see is straight lines for smiles
And your father isnt listening!
Dad? I'm trying to talk
But the computer held his attention
Longer than I could
Can I hold anyone's attention?
And how can you tell worth
And when will this feeling go away
Or how long will you stay
What about those videos
What about those videos
I'm afraid to walk into a room
Where there is an adult for fear
That I'll hear that again
But I want to hear myself breath
Heavily not because of ***,
But because you have my heart racing
And my lungs have to keep up
My mind is racing but still feels like a
brick
But how can something be dense
When it also feels empty?
Speaking of dense, me?
All because its late at night
And this is what scary movies do to me.

And she then asked me
'So, what is your story'
And I melted at those words
That my life is a storybook
That was interesting enough
For God to print and publish

Street lights, pavement and the air is so cold
I stand in grass staring up
My childhood park, how I've gotten so old
I think I'm just down on my luck

The night comes much quicker these days
And so do these fleeting thoughts
Wool gloves and my eyes are glazed
It's always a shot in the dark

The liquor, the drugs, all my fantasies
Well, even they aren't enough anymore
And though I've never been much for reality
I find my dreams have become such a bore

What will find you on such a night
And whisk you away in a flicker
Is it God, is you, is it she, is it I?
Whoever it is must be quicker.

A mind bent on experiencing freedom
A body for that mind
Equally bent
A mind, running in circles,
A jaw, running in circles,
Molars meeting and exchanging blows
The dust settles on that tongue
That white tongue which speaks
White lies
To that mind
That mind which I hate
That mind which I hate

what if I'm not that deep person who can write with a certain flow with her words,
what if I'm not that person with a boyfriend, who gets closer and closer to losing her virginity,
what if I'm not the giggly girly shopping gossip girl who doesn't get ****** jokes,
what if I'm not into series of tv shows and don't get hooked on to them and grip them with my life,
what if I'm not the boyish one who makes ***** jokes and seems like the tom boy,
what if I'm not the smartest girl in the grade with top averages who will gets straight As.
everyone has these reputations. everyone is known for something special
what am I? Who do people think of me as? That one friend who is like the others?
Is the freaking shadow of everyone. the follower?
Well this 'follower' has dreams too. Wild ones. She also has deep poems etched in her being
She has a ****** side (doesn't everyone?) and dreams of wild dreamy guys
She is girly deep within sometimes. theres an itch to wear nice clothes and shop (RARELY)
She has a few fandoms, though she doesn't worship them, and create her personalty from them
She is a tom boy, but she doesn't constantly talk about it, even though she acts like one
She is smarter than some think, so don't call her Stupid! that was drilled into her head years ago (No need to remind)
She does dream and does have obsessions, she does read up and research things!
But i wonder if anyone will notice? I wonder if anyone knows I've finally figured out i know what i am
I am a little bit of everything. But since I'm not any of the extremes, I won't be noticed

There are those who remind me who I am
Some people remind who I am because they provide examples of everything I am not,
Or do not ever want to be
Some people remind me who I am because they bring out the best in me, quite simply.

Let's take a ride
Out in the cold air
I know the way
Why don't you go there,
with me?

I want my love to spread like wildfire

Beautiful raindrops of happiness
Cloud the windshield of my mind
Why is it that I love not being able to *see

I miss the warm bed, but cold air
The way the fire popped in the morning
Or hot cocoa in the evening
Or frost on the grass
I miss the sweaters, hoodies, sweatpants
And visible breathe, teeth chattering
Hand holding
Snuggle closer
Hug tighter
Warm and toasty
winter.

I like the cold.
I have an attachment to the cold
Not Louisiana cold.
Colorado cold,
Where the grass isn't just soggy and brown,
But a thick blanket of snow coats the ground
And the smell of mountains
Is prominent everywhere
And even without clouds
There are snowflakes in the air
And when the snow comes down beating
The fireplaces is roaring,
The whole house is heating
And the nearest city is miles far
So in the dark night
I can see every star
Yes I miss winter in the mountains
It's the most magical place
I'll be back again

If I had a penny and a wishing well
I could do anything, save me from hell
Change my looks, get a better view
But I know I'd give my wish for you
I'd wish you were free from the chains
Wish somehow, it would erase the pain
Wish your depression was gone forever
The ropes holding you back, we're severed
The scars on your wrists fade away
You would feel happily loved *everyday

You know all I want is to lay in the grass
On a hill with a slight breeze, and it's warm
And listen to wind chimes and someone else's
Steady breathing

There is so much we don't say to eachother

I spent the rest of my day
Watching documentaries on the wolf packs of Yellowstone
And it's funny the capacity the beautiful creatures love
Howling when their leader dies for hours,
Playing like your pet dog plays with you
Defending each other till the death
It opened my eyes to how similar they are to us
Labeled as savage pests, but emotions of human
Amazing how this living breathing soul
Was shot cold in the end by a hunter for *fun

I long for the absolute high I got
When the John Lennon song blasted
Out of my open car windows
Cruising down the interstate
As the sun beat down

Maybe one day you'll wonder and ask
And I will gladly tell you

Sometimes I don't think I should write
Because all the feelings I have,
Words can't do them justice to me
Writing is beautiful, truly an art
But when I'm in love, or morose
The words typed in this poem style
Don't come close to what's in my heart

"I don't know what I want you to be but I know that I want you for me

Making me laugh so hard I try not to mention it was the best thing about being in love with you

Dancing with the best of me in your eyes and I love it

Falling in love again and I don't think I can be found, I have no one else

Half of my heart is broken and the other side is the most beautiful

You broke my heart and the only thing I have to go back to

Broken-hearted girl in the world is the most beautiful girl in the world

*I have no idea how much I love you so much, but it was the best thing about being a girl

She said she would have been the most important thing in my life, but she is the only thing that I don't have

*Pain is just so I don't think that I don't miss you "

I'm just waiting for things to work out

My eyes are worn, puffy, and burn
Dry, overcompensating for the flood of tears

Sometimes you can't put yourself in a situation to be wounded

I don't allow myself to get wrapped around others fingers
I just sit in the palm of their hand, give them what I can give
Sometimes it's enough. Sometimes it's not.

It shouldn't have to be your problem worrying about my life when yours is already troubled enough
It shouldn't have to be your problem
It won't be your problem

Yeah I'm not the prettiest, or even close
Yeah I'm not the most intelligent, not by a long shot
Yeah I'm not the popular one, never will be
Yeah I'm somewhere in the middle, average
But then again, you'll never find someone like me

A familiar flutter,
This can't happen

You wake up and the earth feels like it’s spinning slower
Or maybe the earth is spinning just fine and you’re moving slower
Or maybe the earth is spinning and you’re not part of it

You wake up and the weight of your own body is enough to pull you into the earth’s core

You wake up and your chest feels smaller,
Your breath feels stale and you can’t seem to find fresh air

The distractions fade out and when they become background noise, it’s just you:
You in this bed
You in this room
You in this house on this lot
You in this town in this state
You in this mass of land split by oceans
You in this earth
It’s just you

Being alone is no fun at all
Being alive is...

When a world that once had color
Fades to white and grey and black...
When tomorrow terrifies you
But you'll die if you look back.

Sure my shirt is pretty soft,
But your arms were softer

I may have taught you to dance
To put yourself in the headlights
How to laugh and be seen
But you reminded me how to dream
How to love myself, let alone
How to love someone else
You are my first text good morning
My last text goodnight
You clothe yourself in humility
And you stare through fogged lens
Perhaps that's why only you
Can make me so happy, yet so angry
That someone as fluorescent as you
Cannot see the bright colors they emit
You call yourself grey
But I call you a painters palet
The world is a muddy muddy place
And it'd be that much harder to live
Without seeing your tracks in the dirt
You've taught me that as hard,
And as challenging life can be,
It's all worth the low melodic vibrations
That create a beautiful unified hum
And without your hum, and without mine
*The world would be that much quieter

Mitts for hands
And I there, enveloped
Helpless and cradled
You sheltered me

Hands holding mine
You, afraid of squeezing
My tiny fingers too tightly,
Led me

Hand eye coordination.
You proved the concept
By making sure your hand
Found my mother's eye, hard.

Hand on my thigh
And every nerve in my body
Fired rapidly
Do not touch me

Guns for hands
You held it in your hand,
Still smoking,
"Wish it was me"

Hands in wrong places
Tell me one thing?
Was she worth it.

Your hands are still as big
And still as forceful