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Rj Sep 2017
She wraps herself in overcast skies
And buries her head in the mist
All of the vapor can't see that she cries
And they drown her to sleep with a kiss

Lost in the blanket of cloud she grows cold
Her warmth washed away in the rain
No thunder, no lightening, no sun, and no sound
A body is all that remains
Rj Jun 2015
You don't know how over it I am
Rj Sep 2015
I'm over sensitive okay?
I over analyze
I over think
But I can't shake the feeling
That I am just not
The kind of person you love
Hold, or care about
In ridiculous. And I'm genuinely sorry for maybe being annoying. Really. Just. Things happen, small things. And they make me really really really sad.
Rj Apr 2015
Overworked they say
Is it true I'm hurting myself
Take a break they say
But I'm already in so far
It'll get worse she says
I can handle it, right. Right?
Rj Jan 2018
None of us know each other
None of us want to even try
Or maybe it's just me
And maybe my standards
Are too high

They wouldn't understand
All these strangers down the halls
I sit alone on my bed
And hear giggles through
The walls

And no matter how hard I try
It always comes to this odd end
I have to constantly remind myself
A therapist is not
A friend
Rj Oct 2015
I'm paper thin now
Only short flashes
In the car when I drive
Only when certain songs
Come on the radio
Only at certain times of day
I'm paper thin now
Rj Apr 2015
She dreamed of paradise
This could be paradise
Coldplay
Rj Nov 2017
She stares at her plate and decides not to eat
It's about having control she reminds herself
But limiting nourishment is not control

She stares in the mirror and represses emotion
It's about having control she says
But limiting feelings is not control
Rj Feb 2016
Part of me is an angsty teenage girl
Who wants to get ****** up and smoke cigarettes
And drive late at night, wearing dark clothing
Part of me is a vibrant young woman
Who wants to paint pictures of the sun
Wear rainbow bandanas and smile all the time
It all just depends on the circumstance
Rj Oct 2014
Lets all get together
Have a little party
And all make out
lol. This is just a funny dream I had.
Rj Jun 2015
All I can say is, it wasn't like anything before
Rj Mar 2015
The worst part is when you feel pathetic for being pathetic
Rj Mar 2015
"I love each and every one of yall immensely, and though I'll be gone you all will live forever in my heart"
He cried and had to pause through saying this. I've never been more touched. I knew I felt a connection to this man when he first told me to run track. He's the one who inspired me and pushed me to do better, and encouraged me to strive for higher goals. And when my legs couldn't take anymore, he made me do more. And now I am who I am and got to this point. I couldn't thank him more.
Rj Mar 2015
pave it over with cement
not a bandaid,
Maybe then it will heal
This is for all personal wounds. Everything that's ever hurt
Rj Jul 2015
Peace. I've felt it
But never like this
Sure maybe a few
Things are missing
But I am at peace
Rj Aug 2015
I realized I don't need this life changing event
But I don't want this solitude and silence either
I simply want to share a peaceful adventure with someone else
Been thinking a lot recently
Rj Nov 2016
When I wanted to die yesterday I thought long and hard about what it was I really wanted

I used to want the pain. The blood. To watch death happen.

Then I realized I don't want the death I want what seems like peace after death.

But would that even exist for me?
I'm not going to **** myself it's just a reflection. I believe in a heaven and a hell. Would I be going to hell for just wanting peace of mind? I mean isn't the whole "peaceful" thing after death a myth anyways. It's just two places, one IS peace and one is the opposite. Would I be sent to the opposite in my disillusioned effort to gain peace?
Rj Oct 2015
Behind closed lids, my eyes darted back and forth
As if trying to see something in the darkness,
As if the dreams were real, the thoughts, the tales
I knew from that point, sleep would not come easily
Suddenly the posters on my walls flew about,
Trying to confuse me, just like the furniture,
I rehearsed the words I would say, if suddenly, one day
And I tossed and turned, wide awake, eyes shut tight
Hiding my face from the furniture, and posters
And eventually I shakily tip toed to the kitchen
And gulped down two giant table spoons of pink liquid
As a last stitch effort to remind myself I was not being watched
When I was little, I had nightmares, and insomnia really. Just couldn't sleep because of the bad guys. So I would stay awake shaking until I got the nerve to get my numb body out of bed and beg my mom to give me something to cure my made up stomach ache. Every night, I would drink pepto Bismal so that I could walk hand in hand with my mom down the hall and through my house, and I would hesitantly check every corner of the dark house to make sure everyone was safe. Last night, embarrassingly enough, I got scared, and for the first time in a long while I drank some more of that comforting liquid
Rj Apr 2018
Do your hands move like the flame of a fire
Twitching and itching to possibly inquire
About the state that your mind has fled
About a fascination with being dead

Does your chest open up like a cave
Dripping cold, like a still-living grave
Can you shout inside and hear the echo
Is it your own voice telling you to let go

Do your legs hold you hostage from sleep
Do they move so your thoughts don't get deep
Or are they moving to make noise with the sheets
So your ears and midnight silence will never meet

Is your face more of a house but not a home
Something seeming foreign to what you've known
A room in which you sleep but isn't yours
Impossible to tell the ceiling from the floor

Does your heartbeat jump to conclusions just like mine
Or is it calm and slow and steady all the time
Does it leap into your head and cause a scene
Or is it glued to the cavern's walls without a dream
Rj Jan 2015
I left my phone in the gym
What a small black rectangle
Filled with many secrets
Many unpublished poems
Many short stories of life
Many unfinished text messages
Sitting alone in my locker
Cracked everywhere but the front
With my friends and emojis
Secret new and old tumblrs
Pictures I cry when I see
Quotes I cry when I read
What a small piece of metal
To hold my life's story
Every friend, foe, lover
Every tear from sadness, laughter
All woven and intertwined
Within the circuits and wires
Rj Oct 2015
You know what I can't stand?
What really just, beyond words, aggravates me
Maybe not even aggravates,
Maybe it's more like, it makes me so sad
Hurt, if you will
Why can't my friends look at me,
Or anyone else for that matter
Because I can tell you
The number of times you retweeted something,
The number of times you clicked like
The number of times you watched a video loop
Was a hell of a lot more than you even
Glanced anyone else's way
If friendship is so **** important,
Then is it you're holding you're phone
Closer than you ever held me?
It just can really make someone feel less valued. What ever happened to "friends not phones". This may see, petty, but I don't really care at all. I'm so tired of going places or visiting friends and they can't put their **** phone down, even when I try to talk to them. This is to ALL my friends. And me too. Because when they all get in their phones and aren't listening to me, then I get on mine so it isn't awkward. I just noticed this at a sleepover over the weekend. My god, you'd think we could be a little more human to each other.
Rj May 2015
Can you tell it's taken a toll on me physically
Can you see the fog inside my head if,
I am brave enough to make to make eye contact
My body is literally breaking down
Rj Jul 2014
Sometimes the simplest of touches
Holding hands
Small hugs
Thoughtful leans
Can mean the most to Somone
Lonely. Hold me. Feels. Got me ****** up. Somone. Anyone.
Rj Apr 2015
Sometimes, only sometimes, I look at pictures of myself
And I wonder how the hell someone could call me pretty
You just wonder sometimes, like, how on earth will someone find me that attractive to want to be with me ? How could anyone want to take me on dates, I feel like I just don't have it, that special something. Only sometimes though...
Rj Dec 2015
The tall pines trees reach for heaven
I stand with my arms upwards,
Joining them as well
Rj Apr 2014
Your curls hang in strands on your face like bangs
Your hair is a little bunch of golden brown curls'
Your features are pointy and thin,
Like the way your lips are thin and pointed
Or your thin pointy nose
And your smile. Wow. Every time I see it,
My heart flutters and I get really happy.
You make me happy and I've never met you
We've met in my mind plenty of times
Its funny how when I first saw you I loved you
I just knew. My heart and mind just knew.
Thats crazy. Maybe there is love at first sight?
But its not that kind of love.
Its different. I see you and I don't want to bang you.
I just smile and get excited.
Love is present in so many ways.
And I like the way my love for you makes me feel
Rj Jan 2015
How many times
Will you knock down
The pitiful wall
Of self esteem that
Took so long to build
And how many times
Will this pillow
Soak my tears because
Of my own father
Rj Oct 2014
A plague grips me
It's spread from my wrists
To my upper thighs
Fading away with scars
And now it has made
An appearance on my stomach
Perhaps that is why you ask
Am I changing in a stall
Instead of in the open
Rj Aug 2015
Lord, just let her be okay
Just let her be okay.
Please please please please. God please. You don't have to bring her back to me just let her be safe. Please please please. She deserves such an amazing long happy life. God please. She's not just a dog to me. She has a personality. She comforts me when I cry, she nuzzles me when I'm sad. She is there for me and I need her to be okay. I need her to be okay.
Rj Sep 2014
In speech today we had to write about the perceptions of ourselves
I knew we would not read all of the,m out loud,
So I filled the list of words that described me
More than half were self hatful words, I've always thought of myself
Last night someone told me they cut themselves,
I hope they never do it again, because it's a terrible thing,
I would know because  I had cut myself right before her text
Seeing her text snapped me out of it, which made me hate myself even more
Why? People ask, do people cut themselves?
It is a pain to distract from the pain one is enduring at the moment
However, it is only temporary, leaving behind ugly scars
It's simple to do, especially with a pocket knife in your desk
I'm a terrible person
I didn't tell her because I wanted to help her and listen fully to her problems. Sorry I didn't mention I had done it too
Rj Apr 2015
As I write the poetry of my life
I can do it alone, but
It would be easier with someone
Holding my hand, gliding the pen
Rj Mar 2018
I fantasize about death like she fantasizes about life
Rj Dec 2016
Popping pills is not my thing
Let me rephrase that
Popping pills can't be my thing
I really don't want to go down this path
Pray for me, I'm trying my best
Rj May 2019
I’m too tired to cry. Too dizzy to move. And every little bit of my energy is being left behind on this cruise. I give myself up on dishes and dishes and they pick and they pick, and they order more and I give it to them. I give up on presentation and just slap myself onto plates and into bowls and hand them over. Take me, take me, TAKE ME. And they take their little itty bitty forks and they poke and **** and chew the tiniest pieces before handing the plate back and ordering more. Those gluttonous pigs with their pinkies up and their napkins folded into their shirts. Pretty soon they will have to settle for what’s on their plates. Or starve. There’s only so much you can fit on a porcelain dish, and only so much of me left.
Rj Feb 2015
I know the best thing for me is to let go
But you don't know how many times
I have tried, but come running back
Rj Feb 2015
I have the potential to be beautiful
But some days not matter WHAT I do, it's still pretty bad
Rj Mar 2015
Friend dates, winks, iffy texts
No doubt potential is everywhere
But I'm not chasing any of it
My energy is gone, and I've learned
To get over the fact no one will
Pick me up and hold me at this point
And I'm trying to make that okay
Maybe slowly it's starting to work?
Rj May 2018
sitting in a public restroom
on a toilet, with your headphones
Listening as people come and go
Without the strength to get up
Rj Apr 2018
Give me one more day to lose my mind and I swear I’ll straighten up
Straighten up
Str str straighten up  

Give me one more day to lose my mind
And I swear I clean this up
Clean this up
C C Clean this up

Give me one more day to lose my mind
And I’ll.. I I’ll...
****
F F ****
Rj Feb 2016
Dear God,
IF he won't be a good husband when we leave
Please please please
Let him hurt me
So then I'll know to tell someone
I don't mind God
I can take anything he throws at me
(Literally)
So if he won't be a good husband,
Please let this happen to me
I'll be the one to get her out and to get him help
I still love him. But I need to protect my mom and if this happens I know what to do
Rj Mar 2016
I was born premature
I came out tiny, skinny,
A whopping 3 pounds and whatever ounces
My parents told me they didn't expect me to have full use of my lungs
But I did
Premature babies don't grow very quickly in early childhood
But I don't think I ever saw that
I mean I always knew I was small
But I never realized how small
Looking back at all the pictures of me,
I was always the smallest, skinniest, and shortest kid around
The boys would scoop me up and carry me down the halls,
But not in the cute princess way
It was more of tossing around a toy
And I'd sit there kicking the hell out of them screaming to put me down
But it never occurred to me there was a reason I was so small
It was fourth grade and I weighed a whopping 47 pounds, the boys still carried me off, and I still didn't take it
Turns out, puberty wouldn't hit me like it would hit all the other girls
In fact, there wasn't even a need for my mom to have "the talk" with me
In fact, at seventh grade I didn't know what the hell a period was
I didn't even where bras.
In fact the first day of high school I wasn't wearing a bra!
And I cried the first day when I realized that ******* everyone had bras on and I didn't even own one
And to my dismay I realized my mom had actually bought my little sister bras, but I didn't have any
And I was the point of interest at hushed family get togethers
Hearing hushed conversations like
Poor baby, it obviously won't happen any time soon
Im sure she will catch up
And I certainly didn't realize why my little sister was taller than me, bigger than me, and now curvier than me!
That was my job ******.
And my favorite was when my mom introduced us to friends and they would always ask my younger sister how high school was and I would have to interrupt and say "Hi I'm the oldest actually"
I never thought it to do with the timing of my birth
But now I'm discovering that it turns out preemies are at high risk for physical developmental problems, learning disabilities (especially with math), ADHD, depression, psychosis, and anxiety in the teenage years
And much more likely if the birth weight was under 4 pounds! (Me)
But just like when I was four and the boys carried me and took turns lifting me off my feet
I won't let it stop me
I won't let it get to me
Being a preemie is tough.
Especially when you were born as early as I was, and as small as I was
I'll always look younger, I'll never look my own age, and I'll never be very curvy,
But I guess that's just something to add to the list of things that are supposed to hold me back.
I won't let them
Rj Jan 2016
And I haven't gone to bed early since the beginning of this year
Something keeps me up, something keeps me stirring
My hands move nervously like they do before an exam
Something has me stressed, something has me thinking
Something is on my mind
Rj Apr 2015
I'd like to pretend I lean in and kiss you
I'd like to pretend I look like her,
I'd like to pretend everyone looks at me
But in reality I'm just a girl in a Steamboat Sweatshirt
With a dorky smile that makes her face wrinkle
Who is ignored more than she'll admit
And still winces slightly when seeing a mirror
But I think I'll go back to pretending
It's much more fun anyways...
Which ***** lol
Rj Dec 2014
What if she grew up believing she was the prince
And not the princess
Rj Feb 2015
Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains
Your justice like the ocean depths
You care for people and animals alike O Lord, how precious is Your unfailing love!
Rj Feb 2016
I like keeping things in and away
But my eyes don't lie, and people can see
Stupid puffy eyes. I hate that. Anyways I want to thank my friends for being here for me, even when I'm a *******.
Rj May 2015
Sometimes you need to take a look
Realize you're the only one in it
Realize you were the only one
Thinking about actual love
That they never meant it like that
You're only in for another heartbreak
So however hard it may be,
You need to pull away
Rj Jan 2018
An old familiar feeling that I used to shove away
But I think this time I’ll listen to what it has to say
Maybe you don’t think I’d do it
Hell, I’d hate to give you a scare
But when it all comes right down to it
I wonder if you care
Rj Sep 2014
He holds the strings to my every move
Makes have to win, never lose
Those blue ribbons up on my wall,
Weren't worth the work, or the fall
The trophies lined up in a row
Weren't worth the mental blows
The 144 gold medals hanging still
Weren't worth the adrenaline, or thrill
Because he's the puppet master,
He's holding  all of my strings
Gotta win it, be number one
Anything less than the best and I'm shunned
Sarcastically** Sorry for getting sick, I didn't mean to. I know this ruins everything for basket ball..
Rj Jan 2016
You somehow thought that you could use our friendship,
Our friendship I had given a lot up for,
To tell others, in essence, how I was wrapped around your finger
And if you like the feeling of someone following you around
I would suggest buying a puppy
I normally don't sub poem, but you know what. I'm kind of hurt so I'm going to use this account for what is should be used for, that is getting out my feelings.
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