it was like quicksand
at first I wanted to drown in it
until I realized that it would
really **** me

I'm a little messy
I tend to have big dreams
That seem cliche
And I like the smell
Of old gas stations
And strawberry milk
And green tea
And my laugh is obnoxious
My smile is crooked
And I've grown
From asexual aromantic
To maybe the most romantic
Person you'll know
(If you coax me to say)
I like love movies
(Who knew)
And roses and kisses
I like touching,
(I used to not)
I like being in love
I like laughing til I ***
I love singing
(Even though I can't)
And I love dancing
(Even though I'm awkward)
I like sunrise. Early.
I like hats (stupid ones)
I like simple moments
And I love people
I love love
I love love so much
I love you
I love this world
And I know.
That one day.
Someone will notice all these things.

Sometimes its good to be scared
It means you still have something to lose...

Your mother and I have a lot of trust for you
We know you wouldn't do this but we thought we'd reiterate
If you know anyone dating a black man,
You are to tell us and will never talk to that person again
I grew increasingly infuriated by this chat
So what if it were an Asian man? Would you let me date them?
My dad shifts, shocked I would have a counter question
Well I guess that would be okay, only because
They come to America striving to do their best
However, if prefer it'd be a white man
You see. Black people do not try. They have attitudes
And it's becoming a fad to hang out with them
It took all of my will to not lunge at him
My mother chimes in,
The the bad attitudes of some black people
Pull down the reputation for the entire race
It shouldn't be that way, I mutter
My dad leans forward, why are you sticking up for them
He begins to scream, my trust has dropped!
Stop trying to argue because their is no argument!
No matter what you say it'll be a NO
And it seems like your being suspicious
So to clear things up, YOU WILL BE KICKED OUT OF THIS HOUSE
If you ever date a black person.
The tears flow like a broken pipe and I shutter,
*Not because I can't date a black man, but because of the inequality and racism that my parents reek of

This only proves to me we are more than friends
Because friends would have drifted away by now
It proves we are *family

You are the one person who has been a constant
I see the open bible, marked from head to toe
On your skin, the verses alive inside if your heart
Positivity seeps from you're pores, gleaming
And I've never met someone who genuinely listens
I've never met someone who is funny,
Without using these ****** jokes, these negative words
You've never cursed in your life, you remain pure
You don't sink low as to talk about others,
You're faith is deep rooted, and no wind can shake you
Yet your eyes are soft, easy to lock in and feel at home
Every time I'm with you, I feel my spirit lifted,
I feel myself become the very best I could ever be
My role model, I strive everyday to be more like you

Try, though I do, I will never be like her

Putting on the rainbow bandana  
A sense of pride surged through me
But only for a minute,
Then I walked through the halls,
Wondering who knew the real reason
I was wearing those colors

Why can't you just be ******* happy for me?
What's the ******* problem with branching out ******?
I'm not yours, I never will be, and you know that
But you insist on keeping me on this tight leash,
As if I am somehow your property, and you know what?
I'm sorry if you get jealous when I hang out with other people
Maybe you should have thought of that the moment you got a boyfriend? Hmm

I remember seventh grade
The first year I doubted my self confidence,
Which previously had been pretty high
When a boy in our class decided to rate
Give a numerical value to the beauty
Of every single girl in our classroom
On a wrinkled sheet of loose leaf
Was written our value, my value
According to another human being
I remember walking up, anxious
To see what I got, what value I was,
As if it were a math test I was getting back
And I remember seeing the number next
To my name and pausing, stunned
Out of ten, my value was four
Four. Forty percent of one hundred


A failing grade

I keep finding myself searching desperately
My mind is distracted, slipping out of reality
It seems I find more comfort in my recent dreams,
Than what is actually occurring in real life

No ones on this site anymore

I need to get out of this bed
This room
This house
This town
This state
My own mind

I can't help the butterflies
I can't cage them, no
The pigment in my cheeks
Is a dead give away isn't it?
But I can't, can I?
I shouldn't, should I?
I want to? Will I?
There are limits,
I won't break,
promises I won't make
But a chance I would take
Yes, a chance I will take

Only when people are gone
Do you realize how much
You rely on them

I pace back and forth down the hall past his classroom,
I peer in and hesitantly take a step inside
The moment our eyes meet I look away and stop myself

My finger tips linger near the keyboard on the screen,
I type up a paragraph, as my hands shake slightly
Only to delete the whole thing with one touch

I see him at the end of the day and he asks what's wrong
I open my mouth to speak, and then shut it
My struggle remains internalized

I don't have the heart to say what's wrong,
I don't have the heart to ask for help,

What are these dreams
And why are they reappearing
Perhaps I stay awake longer
Because it's more peaceful
Than sleeping

That monent when you want to cuddle
But when you reach there's no one there
Because we all have that struggle
To find someone that truly cares
Because if anyone would just jump in
Maybe take a chance
More than a spark would be ignited
To create a soft romance
And that empty hole inside you
Would slowly begin to fill
As you and that person, hand in hand
Repair eachother by will

when will i care
when will i care
when will i care
when will i care
when will i care
when will i care
when will i care
when will i care
when will i care
when
will
i
care
when. will. i. care
WHEN WILL I CARE
WHEN   WILL   I    CARE.

I feel as though my drive to write
About my feelings has been exhausted
Everything I feel has already been said
It's the same old thing in repeat

Someone pulled the plug
Then someone put it back in
And now I'm just resetting

So many people have lost their basic joy
There's this gloom that is the reset emotion

My New Years resolution is to stay alive
But we all know how those go

I'm writing little phrases
Because I can't keep a thought going
My mind goes back to instances
I shouldn't be writing about
Or at least resurfacing
Because I promise they aren't real
I promise they aren't real

Lets take a ride on my back
You need to go higher?
Can't hear my back cracking
Over the sound of your voice
Higher higher every day
Shaking weak, and then *break

Senior year and I've made it to this
Things got easier for me,
And all that emotional work out,
I must be friggin *ripped

Take my hand and let's just walk together,
Let's just roam the woods,
*And pretend we know what we are searching for

The shadows from the starlight are softer than a lullaby.
Rocky Mountain High
You can talk to God and listen to the casual reply
Rocky Mountain High
Friends around the campfire and everybody's high
Rocky Mountain High

Get me off this roller coaster
They've always made me sick
*And I'll be dizzy for days

If life were a board game,
What a game to so entice
Is there any secret shortcut?
Perhaps I may just roll the dice

I feel as though I'm in a cage,
School, work, eat, sleep,
A never ending cycle forming
A life of daily routine, not surprises
One day we have to stop and ask
did God really put us here
to get stuck in a boring routine
did God create beautiful life
just to work, pick up groceries, eat
I don't believe God created this world,
So big, un- discovered, beautiful
So that we can hunker down
In a concrete subdivision
And let routine slowly tear away
At the *dreams we once had

I can't tell either one of you what I've done to myself
I couldn't ruin the image of that strong beautiful girl you both see me as

The first jump start of adrenaline shot straight thought the heart
Legs jolt with the sound of "go" leaving his mouth
Mind cleared of everything except two thoughts
in through the nose out through the mouth, win it
Legs striding wider and longer, getting more numb with every step
Nostrils flaring with every breath like a racehorse,
Inspirations of horses galloping flash as I push harder,
The thought of the fat burning, calories dissipating
Smile spreads as finish line nears, fat burning
Muscles tensing, tearing, mending, and growing
Mouth agape, forcing in air that pierces dry throats like needles
Vision blurred and hazy, my oxygens gone
That's the best part, when you feel your body shut down
Sweat dripping down my neck, speed up, WIN IT
Racing, running, exercising, competing
Next time I'll push even harder

I'm tired of running
For once in my life
But I don't know what
I would do if I stopped
And I don't see any
Yield signs either

I am sad
I am so so sad
So pitifully sad

How can I feel safe
If my mind wants to **** me
For not even in the corners
Of my wracked brain
Can I hide from this pain

Maybe I am flaky
I don't really know
But maybe I'm flaky
Because I'm waiting
For the right person
To make me
*Want to stay

You're crashing into me like waves on the coast
Every time we talk, you move in close
Wrecking ball dancing down the hallway
You're holding your shoes, wearing my shades
We fall against the door,
we fall into a wild warm kiss

Sitting on a rock, sweatpants and sneakers
Long hair, skinny, looking out, wind blows
Fir tree needles scratch the back of my neck,
Eyes locked on to a pod of whales, orcas
Breathing fast because I ran to get there
Close my eyes and let the wind toss my hair,
It's cold, and the air smells like lavender
And I pull my knees to my chest, smiling

Call me next time
Because
There needs to be
A next time

Dreams of crashes, death, mangled limbs and twisted metal
Dreams of throwing myself into the whole mess
Because maybe if I save someone else, it'll be close to saving myself.

You're pretty at 120
You’re pretty at 120
exhale
You can lay on your back
You can sit up straight
You can loosen the seatbelt
Inhale

We all say let's not be scared
But I am still truly afraid
Heistant if you will, I shouldn't

You're scaring her
That glint in your eye
The way your mouth curves
The shaking with rage
You're scaring her
Not because she's afraid
That you'll hurt her physically
But even worse
How dare you call her pretty
How dare you say
You are justified
You're scaring her
And this time her mother
She doesn't care
Her mother has come to
Dislike her just as much as you
You're scaring her
And now she suffers physically
Her head is pounding
Eyes are burning dry
You are scaring her
Yet you know. Yet you don't care.

Christmas trees
Old air conditioners
Musky airports
Nanna's house
Ski lodge's wood
Appalachian lavender
Lighting matches

"Hey wanna play a game like old times?"
*doesnt look up from her phone
"Mallory? Are you there?"
looks up, "huh? Wait what?"
The moment I begin to talk again,
Her eyes are consumed in the blue screen of 'her phone'
I shouldn't call it 'her phone'
Because the phone owns her.
Shut up and stop giving excuses like:
Oh I'm just catching up or,
Gotta get homework with friends or,
Hold up sec I promise...
I loved the excuse you gave today
"I'm just catching up with family"
What about ME?! Am I not your family?!
I'm your freaking sister!
But you sure as hell don't wanna catch up with me!
So.. How's your life been? All fine in group texts?
What about Instagram am I missing anything?
I'm so glad your perfectly content as if you have everything
As if all you need is in that slender rectangle of magic
Well you don't have one thing... ME!!!
I still want to play and hang out with you
I'm older. Normally that means I don't give a ****
Well not this big sis. I give one.
And everyday it pains me to see you sinking deeper
Into your hole of addiction. You it isn't. It is.
Even momma refers to you as a phone addict.
Your searching so desperately to find happiness in a screen
When all you need to do is look up at me staring right over you!
I've always waited patiently but now...
I think you aren't coming back to me.
The point is.. I Miss You.

I scroll the home page bitterly,
Frantically, angrily, hopelessly,
Search the titles of the poems
Something, anything I can repost
But none of the titles say what I want
None of them are at me
None of them are saying
What I want to hear