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May 2018 · 232
I Watch them Crumble
Rj May 2018
Have you ever watched a person crumble
Their eyes glaze over like the surface of a frozen lake
They dissolve like the pills I didn’t take this morning, right in front of you
Hands clenched, jaw clenched, eye brows knitted into a tight patchwork
A small smile, a nod, and a chuckle whose brevity is outmatched by the shear amount of pain released in one gasp
You get a taste of what’s been brewing in the coffee *** of a soul that’s gone sour
You get a glimpse of a soldier captured by the enemy, sitting stagnant in prison
Awaiting the day that their nation returns to free them in a victorious stampede, little do they know the war has been long over and lost
So have you seen a person so gutted from the inside that they posses the stench of an empty carcass
Have you seen a person crumple, a paper plane gliding into a pond, a house of cards in a hurricane
I’ve seen a person melt
I’ve seen them disappear
May 2018 · 94
Rj May 2018
Have you ever said goodbye forever
And know that it was true
Just a reflection, and some food for thought. I’m starving
May 2018 · 126
Rj May 2018
I felt it again
May 2018 · 242
The Cycle
Rj May 2018
Progressively progressing towards
Aggressively repressing thoughts
Obsessively ingesting medication
Only to
Suggestively request more
May 2018 · 129
Rj May 2018
I ran out of things to say
And you wouldn’t fill in the quiet
Anything to keep you on the line
Anything to just get by it
May 2018 · 102
New Depths
Rj May 2018
I am the womb that rejects the life inside it
I am the tomb that has yet to find her corpse
I write with knowledge only I can know
For my mind is only mine
(Except when it isn’t)
Hey, ya know, a positive is that with worsening depression may come some better poems ;)
May 2018 · 114
Start // End
Rj May 2018
With nothing to occupy every hour of my time
A loss of structure that I have so heavily relied
Things sink in that floated before
And they all thought that I had shut that door
May 2018 · 159
Homeward Bound
Rj May 2018
It’s my last night in this room that’s become a makeshift home
A tiny little room with bunk beds and a bad AC
This room that I’ve grown to love and hate but mostly love
I don’t want to go
I have cried every day
I don’t want to go
I’m glad I gave my therapist a hug goodbye
He deserved it
I’m glad I wrote my professor a note on the back of the final
She means so much to me
I’m glad I took goodbye pictures with my friends
May they all have safe summers

If the murderous dreams would stop
If then I’d be better than this

Why do I feel like I’m looking in on a world that I’m somehow not part of
A spectator in the empty stands of the game of a lifetime

My heart jumps too much now
My head spins and I get dizzy
My twitches have started to revisit
And breathing is harder today

All symptoms of a sick spirit

What if they fight? What if his heart problem is worse than anticipated?
What if he does lose his job?
My mom says she will divorce him if he does
He would **** himself.
Who do you root for? Who do you worry about?
I will never be able to only worry about me
I make myself sick over them
I make myself sick
You know what’s at home?
A pair of lovely dogs waiting to greet me. I can’t wait.
Free flow
May 2018 · 120
My Pillow
Rj May 2018
My pillow is a graveyard for tears that have slipped down my cheeks to the great beyond
May 2018 · 117
Jigsaw Puzzle
Rj May 2018
I’m the jigsaw puzzle that someone lost the last piece of
May 2018 · 102
Sitting Alone
Rj May 2018
I sit alone at a table for two
Trying not to eat my food too fast
I catch myself staring at another table
I think they noticed
I look away but tune back in
Pretending as if I was there
I watch a boy kiss his girlfriend
She seems annoyed
I get mad at her for being annoyed
I catch a guy looking at me
As if weirded out
I pull out my phone and pretend to text
Everyone in this dining hall
Talking, laughing, kissing,
I begin to pop grapes into my mouth
A grape missed my mouth
It falls out and drops onto the floor
I turn red and mutter to myself
I finish the grapes and stare at the screen
I’d give anything to stop being seen
I leave the cafeteria and walk outside
At least out here it’s easier to hide
I am a freak
May 2018 · 584
Potty Break
Rj May 2018
sitting in a public restroom
on a toilet, with your headphones
Listening as people come and go
Without the strength to get up
May 2018 · 80
Rj May 2018
Your heart won’t heal right
If you keep tearing out the sutures

What am I doing
Nothing Better//The Postal Service
The last lines just me..  Because what am I doing
May 2018 · 102
Rj May 2018
Call me next time
There needs to be
A next time
For my cousin struggling with suicidal ideation
May 2018 · 314
Rooftop Rebellion
Rj May 2018
It’s hazy tonight as the quarter half moon glows
I grip the edges tight as the moist wind gently blows
Sitting on the rocks of the roof with soft hushed voices
Suddenly not caring about making the wrong choices
The cityscape is faint under shrouds of cool grey mist
I think of all these moments that I know I could’ve missed
My friends sit close and look up, staring up to find the stars
Me pointing out the landmarks, all of them sitting out so far
A moment of sisterhood and rebellion that we have never shared
We pull our shirts and bras off as if we had never cared
We three expose ourselves to the world that softly sleeps
This memory is ours, and it’s only ours to keep.
May 2018 · 147
Taking Notes
Rj May 2018
A dozen pen sketched faces
Running out of empty spaces
The page is nearly filled

My chemistry notes are spotted
With thick black ink that's blotted
With thoughts that I've let spill
Apr 2018 · 181
Rj Apr 2018
Dear mom and dad,
Could you keep the volume down
The bed is literally squeaking
C’mon your daughter is in town

Dear dad,
I don’t want to know his *** life
Your brother is a pig
And he’s cheating on his wife

Dear room,
Thanks for being small and cluttered
The closeness of your walls
They keep my heart un-stuttered

Dear body,
Dear brain,
I’m sorry I didn’t take my pills
And threw you way off kilter
I don’t know why I stopped this time
But I’ve really lost my filter
Apr 2018 · 83
Rj Apr 2018
Do you ever pity the stranger meeting you?
Apr 2018 · 79
Is this Goodbye
Rj Apr 2018
I don't know what to say
For there is not a single way
That I could make you stay

Everything is ending
But is anything beginning
What is worth my spending

I wrote you so that you'd know
That this has a chance to grow
Into a friendship we must sow

So I sit here writing, scheming
Awake but somehow dreaming
That nobody is leaving
That I am not alone.
Just a stupid reflection on things ending. And they are all ending so fast. This semester, therapy, and my weekly meeting with the Seminarians. I actually wrote Andrew (the main seminarian who I connected with) so that we could continue talking. He is a good listener and, well I didn't want him to go too. I am actually having a really hard time saying goodbye to my therapist, Scott, whom I love. Anyways. Idk why I decided to make a note on this
Apr 2018 · 189
Tracing the Grooves
Rj Apr 2018
Do you ever trace the grooves in your hand
Or follow the veins under your skin
Do you slightly sway whenever you stand
Or pick at the bumps on your chin

Is there a bone in your body that doesn't quite fit
Is there a pulse that you can never find
And your mouth's filled with glue rather than spit
Can you see the microbes in your eye

Are your teeth slightly crooked whenever you smile
Are your shoulders more wide than your hips
Is your build more of the disproportionate style
And is the skin chewed from off of your lips

Does your hair fall in clumps right on to the floor
Are your fingernails picked to the nub
Do you find concentrating as more of a chore
Can you also not stand tummy chub

Do the grooves in your mind tend to relapse instead
Of helping move on past the dread
And do you find sometimes you can not trust your own self,
Or control the bad thoughts in your head
Obviously there are some strange *** things with my body, but I figure some may also relate.
Apr 2018 · 180
Rj Apr 2018
Here's to the people who are faded and worn
A pair of old jeans that are partially torn
You people whose eyes hold the weight of the world
Messages written in smoke are unfurled
Apr 2018 · 138
Rj Apr 2018
Can you use a paintbrush to send thoughts dripping
Can you look at a canvas to see what is missing
Do you pluck strings like it's your hand's only need
Do the keys that you tap convey emotions that bleed
Have you made a connection between the role and yourself
Do you put your mind's miracles up on a shelf

Is the canvas, the stage, the music inside
Something that you could no longer hide

If you urge to make something out of feelings within
Grab a brush, instrument, audition, and simply begin
Apr 2018 · 141
My Psychiatrist and I
Rj Apr 2018
Sometimes I hear a voice
And what does it say
It tells me my life should have ended that day

And whose voice is it
Well that's the thing you see
I'm not sure if it's someone else or just me

Let's keep tabs on that
Write down all that you hear
Why can't I talk to you and be more clear

I want to see you next week
I will see when I'm free
Why does it feel like you're keeping something from me
fun fun fun!
Apr 2018 · 700
Personifying Persons
Rj Apr 2018
Do your hands move like the flame of a fire
Twitching and itching to possibly inquire
About the state that your mind has fled
About a fascination with being dead

Does your chest open up like a cave
Dripping cold, like a still-living grave
Can you shout inside and hear the echo
Is it your own voice telling you to let go

Do your legs hold you hostage from sleep
Do they move so your thoughts don't get deep
Or are they moving to make noise with the sheets
So your ears and midnight silence will never meet

Is your face more of a house but not a home
Something seeming foreign to what you've known
A room in which you sleep but isn't yours
Impossible to tell the ceiling from the floor

Does your heartbeat jump to conclusions just like mine
Or is it calm and slow and steady all the time
Does it leap into your head and cause a scene
Or is it glued to the cavern's walls without a dream
Apr 2018 · 130
Higher Ground
Rj Apr 2018
We pass by and it’s dark
And it’s late
And the sky is just as purply orange
And the air is just as hazy
And the temperature is just cool
Apr 2018 · 69
P P Poem (Sh sh shit)
Rj Apr 2018
Give me one more day to lose my mind and I swear I’ll straighten up
Straighten up
Str str straighten up  

Give me one more day to lose my mind
And I swear I clean this up
Clean this up
C C Clean this up

Give me one more day to lose my mind
And I’ll.. I I’ll...
F F ****
Apr 2018 · 81
Rj Apr 2018
Everyone forgets
But you don’t have
That luxury
Apr 2018 · 139
Rj Apr 2018
My medications almost gone
My medications almost gone
Will I go to the store
My medications almost gone

I’m sorry I missed my session
I’m sorry I missed my session
You thought I was dead
I’m sorry I missed my session

I’m sorry I didn’t reschedule
I’m sorry I didn’t reschedule
But my psychiatrist doesn’t know me
I’m sorry I didn’t reschedule

I didn’t do your homework
I didn’t do your homework
No yeah I knew it was due
I didn’t do your homework

I lied so I could leave early
I lied so I could leave early
I messed up your work
I lied so I could leave early

I slept between my classes
I slept between my classes
I put my earbuds in
I slept between my classes

I didn’t talk at dinner
I didn’t talk at dinner
I left y’all feeling awkward
I didn’t talk at dinner

I’m sitting in the library
I’m sitting in the library
I haven’t done a thing
I’m sitting in the library
Apr 2018 · 190
Sunday Funday
Rj Apr 2018
The tears never came this easily
And the future has never hurt
More than the past until now
I lay in my bed quite queasily
And the sky has never screamed
This loud

And my friend can’t see it inside me
She only sees the good and the pure
But there’s more I swear I swear
God there’s more. I’m sure.
Apr 2018 · 107
Rj Apr 2018
Some songs will never sound the same
Apr 2018 · 78
Assumptions I Make
Rj Apr 2018
I don’t feel like writing
But here I am typing
Pretending that all is grand

I keep on assuming
The flowers are blooming
As I stare at barren land

The words they come sweetly
As I pack my things neatly
And settle into my bed

They’re fast asleep dreaming
While I’m stuck here screaming
And my thoughts are just as dead
Apr 2018 · 73
Not just your heart
Rj Apr 2018
This pain in my chest that won’t go away
I tell myself to just take it day by day
I didn’t realize how far I’d gotten this way
Even though it’s not true, it feels like it’ll stay

They say it’s your heart,
But I say it’s not
It’s everything you are,
Yes it’s the whole lot
Mar 2018 · 99
Rj Mar 2018
You're pretty at 120
You’re pretty at 120
You can lay on your back
You can sit up straight
You can loosen the seatbelt
But then again, maybe not.
Mar 2018 · 134
Rj Mar 2018
My heart is torn
It bleeds and aches
But sometimes
You’ve got to hurt
To heal again

The pain I feel
When I tell them
How it was
When I tell them
When I show them

The picture on my camera
The look on their faces

My half smile
In pieces
This is my 1000th poem I believe
Mar 2018 · 175
Safe Space
Rj Mar 2018
How can I feel safe
If my mind wants to **** me
For not even in the corners
Of my wracked brain
Can I hide from this pain
Mar 2018 · 164
Rj Mar 2018
It hurts so much
I’m losing touch
I hold my breath

It hurts so much
Mar 2018 · 157
R-e-p-e-a-t (after me)
Rj Mar 2018
when will i care
when will i care
when will i care
when will i care
when will i care
when will i care
when will i care
when will i care
when will i care
when. will. i. care
Mar 2018 · 414
Rj Mar 2018
I fantasize about death like she fantasizes about life
Mar 2018 · 216
Rj Mar 2018
I wish
But wishes are for dreamers
Feb 2018 · 204
Her Way to the Stars
Rj Feb 2018
She knows lately her mind has not been of this world
But it hasn't been combing the cosmos either
Rather it drifts further and further into the black, unfurled
Only tiny flickers of planets that have since expired

She so yearns for her body to join her mind
To leave this lively atmosphere behind
For even when she shuts her eyes, the world is still around
Nothing can quite change the fact her feet are still on the ground.

And though you'll find this ending grim,
This planet no longer cages her in
She has joined her mind out in the dark
And has left behind no earthly spark
She has left the ground without a care
As her body hangs, suspended in the air.
wow this came out dark
Feb 2018 · 148
Rj Feb 2018
(Not) Loving you is the hardest thing I have ever had to do
I love you
Feb 2018 · 437
Broken Peaces
Rj Feb 2018
Tell me,
Do  you ever regret not following through with your own death
Do you ever wish you'd thrown your phone into the river
And let yourself slip away on the cool wet concrete

Because sometimes

I do.
Yes i spelled peaces that way on purpose
No this is not a poem
it is for myself
Feb 2018 · 144
Rj Feb 2018
It follows you.
It stays
It hides
It runs
It grasps
Feb 2018 · 175
Rj Feb 2018
Feb 2018 · 187
To Be
Rj Feb 2018
I’ll carry it to the grave with me
Unwilling though it is
It’s more a part of me than
My own mind
I relate to Hamlet
Feb 2018 · 191
Rj Feb 2018
Maybe if you saw yourself
Through my eyes
You would understand
Feb 2018 · 116
Rolling the Dice
Rj Feb 2018
If life were a board game,
What a game to so entice
Is there any secret shortcut?
Perhaps I may just roll the dice
I’m reading Shakespeare so
Feb 2018 · 133
Rj Feb 2018
I don’t really know what to say
It’s the season of not knowing.
Jan 2018 · 195
Dancing in the Moonlight
Rj Jan 2018
Everybody was Dancing in the Moonlight
One more time
Everybody was Dancing in the Moonlight
One more time
One more time
*One more time
//King Harvest
Jan 2018 · 218
This isn’t even a poem
Rj Jan 2018
I started off writing a poem today
I started off writing a poem today that turned into a suicide note.. poem
A beautiful one
In fact, I didn’t even realize it was a goodbye until I typed the last line
And when I finished I sat up
And wondered what was next
I wasn’t stressed
I wasn’t angry
I just was
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