do you even miss me?

cloudy skies painting
hues of gray and blue shades
sleep escapes me
because all I see
all I see
is your same face
and favorite colors

what'd I do
what I'd do
just to see
that shy smile

maybe I'm
a bit foolish
and selfish
but while you were far
my mind wished
for you to be near

your heart's changed
I'm the one to blame
twisting and tearing
bent out of shape
I know you won't allow
but
I'll use these hands for good
next time

love and gentleness
caress

put my honesty
to the test

i want to scream ******* god !!

******* for letting people hurt so badly that
they feel the only way for their pain to end
is to take their lives.  

******* for not letting me die when
i tried so hard to leave this world.

i am still hurting god
i am hurting so much.

i am angry at you god but
i need you right now.
i need you more than ever.

i feel so alone, god.

please help me
please guide me
please hold me
please comfort me

please let me know why you are giving
me so much pain all at once because
it feels like you are trying to **** me.

no human is meant to withstand
such heavy things all at once.

is this you trying to let me know
that i can’t do this on my own?

is this you telling me to reach for you?
because if it is god, then i will reach.
i promise i will reach.

i will do anything to find peace and strength
in this life because i am feeling so tired and weak.

i know i want to kick and scream and punch you, god
but i also want to believe in you, know you and trust you.

i have an overwhelming urge to love everyone,
to walk up and hug random people on the street.
anything to keep them from the pain i have felt.

god,
please love everyone a little louder tonight.
please hold the hurting extra tight.

i don’t usually ask for much, god
but if you have some love left over,
please send it my way.

i can’t do this on my own anymore.

panicked apologies spilled from my mouth that night.
and now they echo like a chorus in my mind
as if i never left that night behind.

“please, no”
“you don’t have to do this”
“i didn’t mean to make you angry”
“i’m so sorry”

i’m
s o r r y.

my words weren’t enough that night.

i felt the life draining from within me right before my eyes,
desperately trying to save whatever light there was left in me,
but i died.

i
d i e d.

the world around me turned dark
and soon blood started spilling from my veins
instead of flowing through my heart.

if i wasn’t enough to save myself that night,
will i ever be enough to pull myself back up towards the light?