Building in the workshop, slowly fixing a little girl
who looked up to this extraordinary man who loved her so much
Even without the same bloodline in their veins, she chose him out of seven.
He didn’t seem as though he was disappointed or ashamed of her.
He just loved to see her happy, while building toys and rabbit traps.
Loved seeing her smile as he taught her how to use the saw
and cut through her family’s civil war
And hammer the nails, called bad feelings down into her mood board,
Knock, Knock, Knock, Slam

Sitting on the porch with a not as little girl at his side,
Watching the birds, and the deer, and the grass.
He sees the inner bickering, in the girls head.
She had figured out that she was broken,
She just wanted to be fixed.
He wanted her to know
That walking on old broken glass from the once clear window
Will only cut you more and make you bleed harder.
So he handed her the mood board
And started to read aloud charlotte's web,
As the little taps began.
Knock, Knock, Knock, Slam.

Laying, cold as a corpse in his hospital bed,
She never saw it but it’s was she went through her head
As her mother, one morning, deadpanned that Bob was dead.
My favorite grandparent had died
For months on end, the moderately grownup girl couldn’t get it outta her head,
That she refused to look at him the last time that she could
Because she was afraid that he was empty, that he was different,
That the purely good man was slipping out.
She hadn’t been with him when he finally needed her help.
So she cried when no one was looking and missed so bad.
Broke down in the places she felt the least broken.
She went to her first funeral as the only child there.
Her mood board has one spot left,
She’d been saving for the day that lung cancer won
So she pounded out one more
Knock, Knock, Knock, SLAM.

I don’t remember ever being this happy.
Or at the very least I don’t remember being happier than this.
Who knows, maybe I’m just focusing on the bad parts of life too often.
But I’m not right now.
Right now I’m so happy.
So very Unnaturally Happy.

It’s weird because I feel so full, even on the worst days, that smile makes my day.
And it feels even better when I smile right back.
I feel loose, I feel free, I feel like I need to savor this feeling because maybe it won’t stay long,
But here I am now, I’m so happy.
So very Unnaturally Happy.

I don’t think that phrase will last.
I don’t think I’ll be Unnaturally Happy for much longer.
Maybe never again.
One day, maybe soon, it’ll be normal.
I’ll just be so happy.
So very Happy.

Nothing

Nothing is too hard to explain.
It’s emptiness, but not really.
It’s like the feeling is there,
But the feeling of the feeling has been ****** out?
I know I’m happy when my boyfriend is smiling at me,
Like I’m the only person worth living for,
But I don’t feel happy.
I feel…
Nothing.

Why is my most important feeling Nothing?
And why is it so hard to explain?
This is the worst feeling I’ve ever had,
And it’s unexplainable because it’s Nothing.
I’m not feeling hungry or tired,
Or warm or cold.
I feel…
Nothing.

It’s different every time,
And it doesn’t happen often.
All I know is that I’m set off,
And then when I wake up the next day,
I’m just a big empty void.
Like looking through a camera lense, not actually in the moment.
I feel…
Nothing.

Sometimes it takes a nasty turn.
Like last time.
I was mad at myself for not feeling.
For not crying every night from my emotional pain.
Because he died, and I messed up, and I wasn’t there
So I made myself feel pain, but when I don’t
I feel…
Nothing.

But sometimes it is what it is.
It’s Nothing.
It’s like a break from all the anger, all the pain, all the crappiness I feel.
I just feel empty, like I’m waiting to be turned back on.
I’m stuck on sleep mode, like I’m not on, but I’m not off either.
And everything slowly turns on, everything is updated but still,
I feel…
Nothing.

Sometimes it lasts longer.
More than two months or just a few days.
Taking forever for everything to fully come back.
And I get angry thoughts the longer it lasts,
But when I go to yell out my frustration,
The feeling gets ****** out.
I feel…
Nothing.

Nothing is too hard to explain.
And when your just feeling Nothing, and people keep asking what’s wrong,
You can’t explain it right, because all you’re feeling is Nothing.
So they honestly think nothing is wrong.
And they technically are right,
They just don’t know.
I feel…
Nothing.

I’m feeling…
Nothing.

I saw all of those empty cigarette boxes in the back of your car.
And I felt disappointment, yes, but that wasn’t all.
I also felt like you were slipping through my fingers.
Like I wasn’t holding on to you tight enough.
Like you were submitting yourself to an endless doom, that one day would end you,
And I just couldn’t stop you.
You were fading with every light up.
You said you stopped, and I believed you.
But then things went wrong.
I wasn’t there to hold on to you.
I wasn’t there to help you calm down.
It took me a while to see them again,
But eventually your hiding tactics failed.
They got flimsy and careless.
And all I can think about now
Is how one day I’ll be looking at the proof.
One day you’ll be lying in hospital bed
Living as lifeless as you’ve always looked.

I'm Tired of Playing Board Games

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of playing chess,
Always being the pawn.
Defending the King and Queen,
Distracting the other team.
It can be useful when you trade it in,
But when the pawn's taken away,
No one cares, they just keep playing the game.

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of playing Monopoly,
Always in jail,
Just 'cause my luck landed me on the wrong square.
While it's been fun watching everyone rage quit since 2009,
My little thimble can't take one more lap past the go line,
Because it always comes back to me broke, and out of the game.

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of playing Apples to Apple.
Always pull the dead end cards.
People question
My random answers.
I never win, so I watch the other victory dancers.
Someone has five green card, the game is done, I look down and
                       see none

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of playing Operation,
Always buzzed at the slightest mistake.
Yelling at the board, "Why won't this funny bone come out!?"
I try and try but it always ends with a shout.
The board obviously has a short circuit, just not for anyone else.

Life is not a board game, well technically it is,
With the tiny cars and tiny people, all trying to get to retirement.
That's besides the point.
What I'm trying to say is that life isn't a board game,
but sometimes it seems like it works just the same.

I feel like I defend my family and friends, but am always replaced.
I feel like I rolled unlucky dice and landed on Divorced Parents.
I feel like I'm pulling all the bad cards,
Anxiety, depression, self doubt, social problems, and more.
I feel like my car isn't going anywhere.
I feel like I'm doing everything wrong,
As I hear a distant buzz of another panic attack coming along.
I'm tired of playing these board games.

Life is not a board game,
It is, but that's not my point.
Life isn't a board game,
But it will keep feeling that way
As long as I keep thinking this way.

I need to find a happy hope.
Past not being my parents.
Past not breaking down every night.
Past jumping through a portal to wield a light saber,
                 Rather than squeeze my empty fists from anxiety.
Past going to Hogwarts by train.
This happy hope might sound insane,
but I think I just want to make this a good game.