Pacing your second floor bathroom with music blasting in the background until your legs give out or your eardrums go numb
is far from anything but stable she states as she flips through the channels.
I guess this means counting your scars and bruises from the night before and drinking until the lights go out isn't considered stable either.
Isn't it.

Dear god if there is a god
let this music drown the voices that scream at night
let the ***** sink in deep
let me be able to voice my mind yet still bite my tongue
when conversations get too deep
let me be willing to wait until tomorrow
to down the pills or break my vow
help me be strong for my mind is weak
help me be stable for my body shakes
help me get to tomorrow, help me see the sun rise.
Help me
Save me
Dear god I hope you're really there

I love you honey bunny
he says as if Jules is a seat ahead of us
with a gun pointed straight at his nuts.
Then you have Dylan making your throat red raw
before the words have even slipped off your tongue.
The jump from teenage delinquency to normal relations
was harder than I thought after all.
Olivia's paranoia ensues on to the next golden boy
and Jill's left ****** is the only joy I feel I bring to the table.
Every tacky horoscope site tells me you and I are simpatico
my head on the other hand is knee deep in delusions
of fates paths ruined and fates paths missed on both ends.
I've foolishly given you my all
and I foolishly anticipate the fall.

A weekend away
yet, one secular moment
will forever stay

Am I what you wanted
or just what was there when fates door opened
was I desired
or the only one willing to fill the void
have I opened myself
to just another man who wanted so much more
am I just a settlement
until another one decides what you're good for

Close your eyes she says
you're walking down a street you barely recognize
suddenly in the distance you see that old maple tree
your mother used to carve your heights into
and the yellow brick devoured by beautiful ivy
that's now taller than you ever could have imagined.
The bright red door invites you inside,
you're stepping on the floor he laid,
out the corner of your eye you see the fireplace he built from scratch
she beckons you to look past that and go forward
up the winding staircase
first door on your left once you reach the top step.

Inside you expect to find your bedroom at age five
but all I see is an old bed with stuffed animals strewn across it.
I grab one, take a seat on the floor
and wait for him to come bursting through the door
to scoop me up in his big arms and promise me
that he isn't going anywhere again.
I wait.
I wait.
I wait for a moment I know will never come
unless I keep my eyes shut.

There's this room
old wooden floors that creak in certain spots unless you're real careful
to tiptoe over the strewn clothes I never got around to hanging up
brick walls with several holes from nailed up paintings I was proud of
a window from floor to ceiling that overlooks the busy city street
that lets all of the winter air in and magnifies the summer sun
and a king sized mattress with the bed sheets half hanging off
you're still half naked, fast asleep under what sheets are left
I walk through and see the typewriter on the floor surrounded by
pages covered in red and black ink from the nights before
boxes of undeveloped film canisters at the foot of that king sized bed
a couple of empty mugs with the tea bag still clung to the bottom;
I hit a creak, you roll onto your back and give me that half dead smile.


I open my eyes

Friday night apartment visits dressed in bed sheets
with safety pins scraping against bare backs
center stage: the hookah, the piles of *****,
and always you
this is where it all began I think, pointing to a wall, a floor
I pour another drink, the floodgates fail
I can no longer stare and bite my tongue like before
the words spew out one by one

shutup
I love you
I'm going to get that ******* main floor apartment downtown and
it'd be so ******* rad if I woke up to you every morning
and I could write about how we ****** six times before class and
how your eyes were a new shade of green on October 14th and
how I think sometimes you aren't actually real or
how I think you made a huge mistake picking me
another shot

shutup
I love you
I just wish I was a dancer and yes I'm crying about it
because the way you make me feel can't even be put into words
let alone on paper
I just want to writhe around a room for half an hour
and show you how my mind feels on saturday afternoons in your arms
oh why can't my body do the talking for once
another shot

shutup
I love you
Lets just spend the rest of tomorrow in bed, **** what I said
maybe **** me too if you want
I'd be okay with anything really lets sleep, lets stare at a wall
lets talk about our dreams and how I didn't see you coming at all
just give me something good to write about
once I somehow manage to get away from you and back home

shutup
I love you
don't let me go back home

If you could just stop moving and talking
so I can stare in your eyes and finally
have that moment to soak up the fact
that I finally did something right in my life
that'd be great.

Two days later and I'm born again
I guess that's all you need
a little vacation from reality

****** in like I promised myself I wouldn't
but i feel the words slipping off my tongue
as each day passes
I know I've said it time and time again
but god I've never felt as good as I'm with him

I have become the cliche I hate
But when I'm alone
I know I love it

I am long endless nights spent locked inside with ***** bottles and strangers with running noses

I am hot summer days wearing jeans instead of shorts because the first rule is to not let anyone know and the second is to make double sure

I am the doctors test subject in an empty field far away from where he told me he'd take me

I am my fathers daughter, but I'm afraid if he came back he wouldn't recognize me any longer.

What is a home:
filled with friendly faces and lighthearted conversations
a place to rest your head at the end of a long day
where you warm your toes, shed your woes
oh how I wish I had one of those

All I want to do is sit and write anything like before
cheesy romance ******* about how your touch makes me feel
or the way your eyes change from hazel to green
depending on how the sunlight hits it
but
nothings coming out
nothings making sense
everything you've done to me is too good for my words
too good for their ears
even though every ******* moment is engraved into my eyes
and replayed every second I catch my breath
or loose the butterflies.

Two hours I've sat perched on my bench,
my family waiting to drown out the inevitable
click clack of my typewriter
because with a smile like mine they know the writing never stops
but this time it never comes
you just have to experience it for yourself.

come sit in the booth with us at the bar
watch us nod and bob and weave to each others voices
or one anothers favourite songs played on cheap guitars
by singers that are sub par.
Experience whatever we should call this,
an amazing friendship with the added bonus of benefits
the beginning stages of what I hope isn't love but dare I deny it
the one person who might end up destroying me
but for now he's just the reason for my torturous
writers block.

I thought I did finally find it, the place I close my eyes and see
the valley;
filled with the greenest grass that's just the right height
so you can run without scraping your knees
Every day I spent in awe, wandering
exploring those hidden wonders
the creek for example, three miles south
or the collection of fairy rings a little farther down.
It was everything. It was mine.

One day I decided to head to the creek,
stick my feet in and see how deep.
At once I was ****** in,
the water was fast, ice cold,
the bottom was no where to be found
I spiraled out of control until
at last I was spit out.
I thought it would be okay then,
but that was the beginning of the end.

The valley was never the same in my eyes,
the sky was less blue, the grass hurt my knees
I walked aimlessly about, finding nothing new
the valley I thought stretched on forever
just ran in loops.
With nothing left to do, I'd head to the creek
dip my toes in just to see if it would happen again;
Without fail I'd be ****** in,
before I'd drown it'd spit me back out.

Eventually I stopped going back to the valley
I stayed by the creek,
dipping my toes,
getting ****** in
cold, wet, dizzy and close to death
before I'd be spit back out
and repeat;
I loved the valley at one point in time,
but I can't escape the creek.

Twitch

Fiddling thumbs
I didn't read that
I didn't hear that

Twitch

it'll be okay right
crank the tunes and stare at a blank sky
no cloud in sight

Twitch

I'll be okay right?
they like me right?
I'm not alone right?

Twitch

it won't be the same
it can't be the same
no no no no no

Twitch

Was it really that bad in the end
Two days down and he's already found the one
you always knew he would
god you always knew he would
you bring them all down
you let yourself drown
pick yourself back up
before you try again.

Eleven AM
Rub back groggy eyes and stretch out cramped toes
get dressed if the fam is home
stay **** if it seems quiet
run back if you made the wrong assumption and try again
check your face, anything new?
Say hi to way-to-young-to-have-you wrinkles cross your forehead
say goodbye to bulbous pimples that arrived overnight
take a ****, check the news,
head downstairs and wait till noon.

Twelve PM, or sometime around then
you've said your hello's to your fam
if they're in,
and if not you say hi to comedy central and your bestie Gin
quarter past means its reasonable enough to climb back to bed
here's a hint:
to convince yourself you're busy,
keep your phone, laptop and tv all on or within arms reach.
That gets me through the day,
minus the occasional *** and drink break
or random banter between family
( only if cross paths accidentally)

Six PM
Time to give in and drink the rest of whatever's left from last night
*****, Wine, *** and Gin
Mix, grab my pack and head out back
chain-smoke until I gag and hack
sway and sing about those
doses and mimosas, that champagne and *******
but did it get me through?
or just mask the truth

1AM in bed still, or again
this is usually when my life comes crumbling in
either I'm destroying what I love or they're destroying myself
or maybe the ***** just makes it all seem like too much.
I'll say "Baby, I'm giving it up its too much,
I've had so many revelations, seen the light and been touched
**** tomorrow I'll be good, tomorrow I'll expand
I'll get my fat *** out of bed, I'll ******* shake a strangers hand
Tomorrow's the start baby, you'll see
Tomorrow I'll finally get back to being me"

Eleven AM
Rub back groggy eyes and stretch out cramped toes
get dressed if the fam is home
stay **** if it seems quiet
run back if you made the wrong assumption and try again
check your face, anything new?
Say hi to way-to-young-to-have-you wrinkles cross your forehead
say goodbye to bulbous pimples that arrived overnight
take a ****, check the news,
head downstairs and wait till noon.

Can't do it any longer so I'll tell myself
for tonight
it's nicer at the bottom.
This ******* hole I keep finding myself in
no matter what I keep finding myself here
so why do I keep trying to find my way out?
I'll grab some blankets and red wine
waiting, waiting, waiting to die.
My only goal is to finish this glass
so I can make my body look the way my insides feel;
chewed up and spit out
by the only thing that ever made me feel pure
god nothing made me feel as good as you;
I fear nothing ever will
and no one ever can
and every night will be the same
every night will be my last;
Every night I'll tell myself I love it at the bottom
until I'll remember what made me try to get out in the first place
and finally swallow that pill bottle.

Years i thought i lost you found in me
Wasted days now count for things
I never thought they could;
One by one i let those shadows
Fade away,
Its true what they say
It'll all make sense
In the end of days..

I fell in love with half of you
The half i knew
The one you showed to select few
(Typically the girls you wanted to swoon)
And i loved you
So full of yourself, untouchable
Desirable
The ****** begging to be tainted
Begging for me to be the one to take it
(So i did)
And i loved you.
But the second half you hid well
And only now do i find
I wasn't the only girl
Who had come to your mind
(I wonder if they still do from time to time)
I still love you
Even if your second half's a ****

With a face and voice like that you’d never guess
the girl was five foot ten
she walks in and towers above the image
you expected
a girl pushing five feet, dainty, even whimsical
but surely petite
she’s far from petite

This girl sympathizes with transgender bodies
yet envies those who succeed
Hormones and knives can fix gods mistake
but nothing can fix me
so women will sit dreaming of dropping pounds
and she dreams of dropping feet
never complete

Psychs and shrinks digress this to be nothing more
than another disorder
Her views on herself are simply brushed off
as body dysmorphia
yet therapy nor pills shall shake her desire
to fix gods mistake
by freeing her soul of this giant hell hole
leaving it for someone else to take.

I've memorized the dance routine to get down my creaky staircase;
left two three, right two three, spin, skip and check.
Then quickly get into the garage for a way-past-bedtime cigarette.
Once I’m done, I quietly walk into the living room to check on her.
Although my mother has a large bedroom,
her hips are so brittle she's claimed the living room as her nighttime retreat.
My stomach churns with guilt as our puppy leaves her side
tail wagging excited to come greet me,
something she never does for my mom.
Alone on the couch,
her desperate attempt for the shared affection our dog gives her children
clearly having failed; I nearly collapse from the guilt.
If only I could force that dog
to give her the one thing she needs, craves and deserves.
Why must the world be so hard for some, and easy for others.
Where people have their lives destroyed,
their lovers killed, their passions crushed
and others sail through it all in bliss.
Why can’t this ******* puppy go back to sleeping at my mother's feet
to show she loves her as much as my brother and I,
instead of following me back up the stairs.


A clumsy dog wouldn't know to avoid that bottom step,
my mother wakes to cold feet.

I know the hollow
Blank state, empty smile
The way each day blends
And never ends.
Once in my eyes, they've
Flown to yours
And day by day
The hollow gets worse.
I've tried to solve the
Impossible
Unfixable
But we all know there is no quick fix
Just wait...
One day you'll feel
The air on your skin
And stare out your window
And realize its been
So long since youve run barefoot in your lawn
Just like that its gone,
Until then, hold on

Oh god dear god if you are here
Please revoke my last few prayers
It wasn't fair, I didn't know
I didn't see what you tried to show.
If I had known, if I had seen
That he would be the one for me
So god please god, I need him now
Don't take him please
So help me god

Sixty dollars spent just for this
The fuel to let go of those whispering
Nagging thoughts
Flickering behind my eyes all night.
I spend that money,
Whether I can afford it or not,
And prepare for the fight I know I'll cause;
Because a drunk girl
Always finds something to talk about.
By morning we've made amends
Patched the holes
Fixed up our souls
And you help me count pennies
In hopes of sixty dollars more

The day my father died, my family sat at his bedside
watching a deteriorating man's mind slip from his weak grasp;
Mother, father, sister, brothers, brother in-laws, wife and son
all sat in the cramped hospital room trying to say goodbye
while he hallucinated the photo copier at work wasn't working, due to lack of oxygen to his brain.
His daughter, the only one absent from the room, sat at home alone,
playing video games on the computer he gave me back when I'd never heard of cancer.

The day my father died, my papa left his sons bedside
with his head slowly slumping further past his shoulders as he joined me on the couch.
In my basement, my papa wept. I stared at a wall.
Looking back, I wonder if this was his way of saying goodbye to me
before I'd become someone much different than I should have been.
My mother had never held it together on her own, now alone
My brother'd have to teach himself how to shave, one day
And myself, left to fill shoes that were never supposed to be empty.

The day my father died,
His family died too.

When the thought of a night spent in your own bed brings dread
for you'd be willing to wake before the sun
if it meant you spent the night with them;
That's when you know you've found the one.

I think I'm in love
with perfection disguised in
lonely broken souls

Judging by his eyes he's not sorry
Judging by his face he doesn't care
And judging by the texts last night
He'll never change.
Stone cold
Your empty eyes glare on past
My frame, sunken into your couch.
What did i expect after that?

I don't believe in heaven
Most days
But when November comes around
I feel dread
For I've let him down
Oh the damage I have caused
For me to
Think I'd
Be the glue
For my family
That was him;
Mother at bay
Son on close gaurd
and his daughter
in his arms..
Big shoes I chose to fill
I swore I'd do it for him
Frankly,
I've forgotten;
No longer strong, I've fallen.
No longer able to walk the tight wire
I've fallen
And every November
I remember
I've failed

Do you believe in soul mates?
Fate?
Chosen paths in lives
And how sometimes
People don't listen to their guide
And stray far away
From their destiny
Ruining every path
They run across,
Skewing reality
More than a butterfly
Ever could?

At first glance
A night alone seems promising
A chance to sprawl out
Into your side and mine
Or watch tv shows you just don't like
No need to be cautious of suspecting mothers
Or respectful to sleeping partners

The difference between
Thoughts and reality
Come clearer as midnight approaches
And I curl up onto my side
Arm outstretched, waiting
For you to curl up next to me
So I can drift off
To the lullaby your body makes
As it sinks into a deep slumber

Then I realize no ones there
To make sure my feet are tucked in
Or give me a good night kiss
And wish me sweet dreams

No night is pleasant
When you aren't spending it
Next to me

Why is it that i give so much
To everyone
Make them feel special on their day
Yet when my time comes
No ones there
To make me feel the same

White
Drip
pink
Drip
Red
Splash
crimson
The only colour bath that cleans me of my sins

It never gets old
Each night with you
Your soft snores somehow soothing
Compared to a night alone
In a bed made for two.

I envy the binge
Swollen pupils
Red nose
The amount of love you give
The ecstasy you receive
I wish for once i could be that
The happiness you crave
The ****** you need
Spending night after night
Entranced
Spending week after week
Longing
For another hit
Of what ive got to give

The daunting task
of promising your love
without wanting to promise
you'll still be around
to give it back;
Take each step with grace
take each fall with pride
I'll follow you
until the end of time

Have I driven you to the edge?
Have I plucked each plume from your back
And told you, you'll manage?
Have I dug our grave months in advance
Each night i refused to pray?
Have I ruined us?
Did I break us?
Is the sun finally out for good.

With demons at my toes
I curl my feet round yours
Deep within our blanket igloo;
I can trace your bones,
From one shoulder to the next
Until reality comes spiralling forward
And every dark corner
Is slowly forgotten.
Each night I bury my worries into your neck
With a soft slow kiss
As you relish in your deep slumber;
The only time I don't mind
Going unnoticed.

Told to choose this way or that
I'm ****** either way
Why still try to win?

Sleep
Before the sun comes up to get you
Or your inner demons are released
And wreak havoc to those around
Sleep
Before those demons start to control you
While each day and night twist into one
Driving you closer the the edge
Sleep
Before the moon replaces your lover
And the sun is the only one able
To reveal your pain to others
Sleep
Before your last wish is to be able
And finally with the barrel to your teeth
You've been granted eternal slumber

silent defeat
down rosy worn out cheeks
once my moon has risen
to its highest peak;
where are your rough fingertips
to wipe away my storm?
pulling back the blinds
to block out your sun.
Sleep now before they wake
for your night has reached its end
and mine has just begun.

After the lightning and thunder subsides
and the rain has been reduced
to a soft drip
off the rooftops of my suburban stomping grounds.
The only sounds that echo down the streets
are husbands coming home
to their sleeping wives
and the tree's shaking off their fresh coat.
A barren sky is set before me
with no stars in sight to keep me company
as I soul search in the streets
barefoot and longing
for my other half who'd find
this entire scene serene.

For days I lay in bed,
diving into the sheets we calmly swam within
trying to cling on to what has been
alas each time I wash these sheets
I lose a piece of you with them.
Now comes the time when I count down the days
from now, till then
in which we'll go for a swim again.
Until then, my love
I'll memorize each moment
until then, my dear
and pray for longer ones to come

Month after month
Faking normal states of mind
complying to the every need
of those around me, frantically trying
to please them so they don't see
and once I'm fine,
I grab a beer and dance all night
in strange men's basements
a smile never leaving my plastered face
and I let them sort their own **** for once

I've unknowingly made my peers
fall in love with my own worst enemy
and hate the real me

Somewhere way back when
I took a wrong turn down the wrong track
and now it seems there is no way back;
They tell me I've come so far
they say there's no point in turning 'round
yes somewhere along the way
better things will come
or another path will open
just keep on going
and going
till you find
your better times

but

what happens when they never come

Maybe I'm just ****** in the head
that's why I'm never happy,
I give, they take, I get nothing in return
but a fake safety net if it all crumbles
"but I gave you that" "remember that one time.."
sure I've done a lot for them
but the scales are never balanced
once someone calls it quits

Have fun?
What is fun without you
the ringmaster who leads them all to me
the conductor of my social life
without you, I'd have nothing that stays for me
even my best of friends
are performing what's laid out by their puppeteer
outings and events
invitations only sent because you're going
and what is left when you aren't there?
Simply nothing
And who have I to turn to when you're gone?
Simply no one
And what have I to give to them?
Is there anything I can give to them?

My insides have been taken out
no need for Jack's strong heart
or Jill's wandering mind
I've carved it out with a dollar bill
rolled up tight