Please tell me you love me one last time before i go
Hush the demons inside me for a little while more
The longer I'm left waiting to hear that you haven't gained a clue
(As to the torment i feel i put you through)
The louder my demons twist my thoughts to destroy my good faith in you.
So please, i know i ask too much but for now all i need from you
Is one last kiss and promise of love before i bid adieu

Why is it that nothing i do proves anything anymore
You keep rereading past chapters
And ignore my rise from the fall
I want nothing more than for you to see how far I've come
But change was never an option
For me at all
So why do i bother striving for better
To prove you wrong?
To make you proud?
One day if you ever shut your mouth and open your eyes to see all that i can be
You'll be proud of me and i can rest
Making amends with my 10th grade regrets

Longing for those that destroy me:

Could be the diagnosis
Or condition i fear to be diagnosed
Could be daddy issues
Or mommy, or both

I strive for days i feel the sun
But those days come few to none
Instead i feel the moons stare
And watch its friends nod me on

Do you remember the times spent sprawled across your bed
when we never noticed or cared when the sun had set
how you'd trace patterns into my shoulders
and I'd pretend to fall asleep;
anything to memorize how it felt between your sheets.
I miss the fire in your eyes when you craved my flesh
I miss your unforced smile, the scent of cigarette on your breath
it feels like weeks have gone by since I last felt your kiss
I guess it's the life in you, that's what I miss.

Imagining a day without you has proved to be impossible
You've grown under my skin,
Whether you're a main artery
Making sure every drop stays within my veins
Or a vital *****
My back up brain when mine chooses to backfire
And i am terribly selfish for needing you so
But i'm afraid i cant let you go

Buried underneath ***** clothes,
Im rotting away like the half eaten food
I somehow managed to get up and make
some weeks ago when the sunshine
didn't scare me half as much as today.
Embarrassed of the state of me,
i clean up nice when friends call and ask
for me to come out and play,
and for the first time in days i go outside
and feel the breeze on my pale and oily skin.
In the strongest attempts at hiding
my easy-read
children's pop up book of expressions
that even the blind can interpret,
I manage to force a smile,
the same one I've practiced in every mirror
for the past 5 years;
A smile so big that even i think its genuine.
Not a single soul sees past this,
not my friends nor mother or brother.
But somehow,
maybe because of the countless hours spent with him,
maybe because my cheeks get tired and i give in,
he knows of my charade,
see's i have no sense of direction but downwards,
and gives me a weak grin;
The one you give a child
when he asks if his goldfish will wake up,
or if daddy will ever get better.
We know its a waiting game
for my imminent implosion,
the ticking time bomb buried within my mind,
set to self destruct at the next pull of a trigger.
Accidental or not,
now or later,
my come down will be our last;
A commitment till the end.

You're trying to be anything but what you see in the mirror
everyone says you're full of this potential you can't see,
as if there's something more to you
some hidden side
subdued glimmer of hope.

It's been 16, 17, 18 years and you still can't see
through the eyes of those around you.
Everyday you peer into the mirror
and only see you,
never changing, nothing special
lackluster in comparison to what they all see.

One day something will happen and you'll see
or one day someone will come and help show you,
That you are perfect, you are loved,
and you are full of potential.

If I had it my way
I'd spend each day by your side
and each night in your arms
for the rest of my days
for the rest of yours;
No quarrel shall last
more than an hour
no tears shall be shed
out of sadness;
But most of all
no longer shall your heart
ache for me at any time
for I shall always be there
when you need me most.

S-o-u-l-m-a-t-e
when asked to define
I pull out a picture of you
and declare "well he's mine"

Crawl to me
Out the window
Past each family
Snug in their beds
In their cookie cutter suburbia;
Keep trudging on
Down dark desolate streets
Towards my open arms

Down on her knees
She sinks and pleads
For the chance to mend
What she's destroyed within

His Mind is torn
Between the two
Leave this behind
Or cave in

Thankfully for them both
Love always wins

Is it fair
For me to be
So distressed
When I was supposed to be
Your one and only.
Is it wrong
For me to be
So infuriated
With the fact
That you loved
Another
For I have loved many..
Yet what differs
Between you and I
Is I spoke
And you lied
So now I'm left
With your kin
Filling in
The gaps
You left

Numb
Light a match and youre free
From hands once woven
tightly round your neck.
You can escape for a while
Laugh and smile
Like nothings wrong
Let go of all thats going on;
I try to escape too
But when I light a match
the hands squeeze tighter
Instead of coming loose.

I've been fighting
The devilish tongued liars
All night
With the door locked tight
Pitch black in the corner
Back towards the truth tellers
Who refuse to speak louder
Than the hum from a lightbulb
Thats filament has long since shattered;
I know its there
Somewhere
But its dark and my backs still turned
And my ears can only hear what has been said towards my face

You have to know
This sets me off
Into a never ending panic
You cutting me off
Short
Sending me away
Like before
No longer worthy
Of your thoughts
Or conversation even
What have I done now
Maybe
I am
Too much
To handle
Too clingy
Too needy
Too ****** in the head
And I've trapped you in the corner
With my constant problems
And need for you around
Me
I am
The cause
Of all
That is wrong

So

D i s t a n t

Is

what

I

Will

Become

Friday
spent between bent knees
consuming the evening sun,
whiskey,
and burning skin among the bursting bubbles

Saturday
spent behind locked doors
consuming the razor blades,
40s of *****
and the pounding and pleading of them

Sunday
blurred
once in warm arms
then on a cold floor
consuming bottle after bottle
more whiskey
and charcoal

He makes me thankful
for my sins
my **** ups that led me
straight to him
the months I bled
all suddenly seemed
so much more
in the end

You're impossible to resists
as you lick your lips
and look down at me, your prey
"it won't take long now"
you say with a laugh held back
hands quick to pounce
and reach for the ripened fruit
ready for your picking

She enjoys the confined space
and the long lonely hours
spent inhaling day old hot dog fumes
underneath flickering florescent lights;
With pen in hand and pad nearby
she scrambles to invent new lives
for strange passerby's
as they buy their coffee
and expired chocolate candy bars

Sprawled across my bathroom floor
you look to me with disdain cross your eyes
"are you truly real?"
the question has grown more frequent
with each night spent together.
I take your hand from under mine
and place limp fingers
across the pulsating breadth of my neck
"does this feel real to you?"
You smile and turn
entranced by the candles dance
and as you watch, I place *******
where your hand just left
for even I have my doubts sometimes.

Tonight as I lay rest my weary head
I look to the east, where cold blankets lie.
Alas, night fall has driven us to bed
you fled to yours, and I crawled into mine.

But tomorrow we shall not fear the stars
or moon, the darkness will be our savior.
With their calling we shan't flee to our cars
to spend nights alone, such strange behavior.

And in the morning I'll turn to the east
pull back warm sheets entangled round my love
sleeping soundly, my touch calming the beast
prodding behind his bare chest; yet above
your head I see the shadow from the sun
marking nights end and a new days begun.

Sometime in the countless hours of darkness
an 'I love you' rolled of his tired tongue
scared at first but thankful at least
I kissed each cheek
whispering back I love you more than that
more than the moon, the stars, even air
and kissed his lips gently;
There we stayed for hours,
he sighed, closed eyes
skin on bare skin
finally in tune with the universe.

I love the toothless grin you give

when I slide on top

or the way your lips keep reaching out

even after I've broken from their grasp

and that noise you can no longer hold back

when my tongue meets your neck

and trails down to the prize

I’ve found love at the age of 18

true love if it lasts

a great love even if it doesn't;

It scares me to think in a few months time I might not be here anymore

I can barely go a few days without kissing him, hearing him

but if this is true love, it will work

and if it isn't, there’s still time to enjoy what we have;

I swear that I will never hurt him

and he swears to me he’ll do the same

so if it’s true love our promises will hold

and if it isn't, it’s a lesson learnt;

But whether our hearts are pure or not

I know in my gut I’d do anything for him

and I know he’d do the same

so if that isn’t true love, if this doesn’t last

then I won’t be able to look at the world the same.

You're better than the first rain of spring
sent to quench the worn soil
better than my first memory
or my fathers smile
you're better than the song of every bird I've ever heard
every book I've ever read
or dream I've ever dreamt
You're the best thing in my world
and every second with you
is the best moment of my life

I feel ***** when you call out my name
it's a shame
'cause you make me ***
but you can't make my heart race
and you kiss me hard
but you don't leave me breathless
you can stroke my cheek
but it won't make my hair raise

'cause at the end of the day
when you cry out my name
all I'll say is it's a shame
that I can't love you the same

I took a pickaxe to my heart
and chipped away the poison
clogging my arteries and
slowing my pulse to a whisper;
after years of build up
I finally curbed the beast within
but things were too good to be true.

Now my pulse beats a different tune
to what I've grown so used to
and I no longer crave the poison
that built walls around my heart
leaving me helplessly trying
to figure out what I want
and who I am
without the monster who controlled me

I'm looking out your windows one last time,
glancing upon the garden bed where seeds were planted
but the winter froze their roots from digging deeper
into the promisingly rich soil
and all around I see the patches where green grass once grew
when summer brought this house nothing but good news
and as lovers we scorched through the mossy grass
till nothing was left but barren paths

I step from room to room, lackluster compared to what I once knew
I know not to brush my fingers 'cross your walls like before
for with the slightest of gestures your bricks will crumble.
More still, dust covers places I swore would never grow so barren,
and the floor boards wail in pain, unable to bear much more than my weight
you're not as strong as I thought you were at the start.
once able to hold all promises of the future
now slowly falling apart

I'm his baby girl
curled up in his arms
kissing his lips,
his cheeks
his neck
down
down
past his chest
anticipating
down
down
past pant lines
see he's up
zipper down
down
till I've got him
wrapped around my tongue
baby girl?
no
I'm your *****
now moan

I want to melt into your skin
past your muscle mass
watch your veins
pulsate
with the prodding tune
of your heart

Sit and count your virtibrae
while you contemplate our lives
with roots dug deep
intertwined in ways
that make lovers weep
with envy

Before I met you
my lungs were filled with sea water
my brain left fried from ******* back lines
my heart was tattered torn and bruised
but you came in
took me in your arms
pumped the fluid out of my lungs
made me no longer want to feel numb
held my heart in tender hands
and made me feel whole again

Fridays are my saving grace
driving from my end to yours
finally feeling your lips against mine

Saturdays are spent in your arms
in your bed and around town
smiling as though tomorrow'll never come

Sundays are when it all ends
spent trying to pry me from your clutch
and praying for Friday to come again

Hollow are my eyes
on cold October mornings
bare and waiting to collapse
at the slightest of provocations

Hollow grows my heart
in the dead of winters night
withered and longing for life
to be poured into it once again

But no matter how hollow or bare or tattered
whether the sun has risen or the moon has sprung
as long as there's blood left in my veins, I know
he'll always be there to make me feel whole

I'm tossing and turning
drowning in a sea of sheets
in a bed twice the size of my own
until I awake to find his arms
reaching for me
coiling around my body
and keeping me close
till I can breathe again.

They made me feel
uncomfortable
undesirable
And I always felt like I was never enough.
How sick was my mind to think it was love
that hurt and lies could ever occur
when two hearts become one?

I've only seen this a hundred times before
once there's nothing more to give
they walk closer to the door
until alas they step outside my grasp
and look to me no more

Lets climb the abandoned rooftops of downtown
We’ll bury our nails in between slate sheets
till we reach the peak and look at the city below us
and the stars above
and decide which way to go from here
which way now

I look in the mirror, pleased with my progress
slip a finger down my throat until
I get a pang of fear;
I can't wear sweaters everyday to hide my collarbone,
I can't buy new jeans every week I drop an inch,
and the coverup and blush only do so much
for my sunken cheeks and strained jawline.
What do I do
when I can't hide my secret any longer from you;

I want to take your hands into mine
trace the patterned lines you hide
beneath thick sleeves and torn jeans

I want to take away your pain
brush your hair out of your face
kiss you till they finally fade

I've built my walls out of clay
strong until the hurricane
that rushes through my heart and brain

Those who look to wrists
Know behind every smile
can lie a dark truth

My first love was my favorite,
his hungry eyes would only soften with my smile
and his arms were my haven.
I spent days memorizing his skin
every crevice, every freckle, every scar
his body was my favorite book
and mine was his.
He loved more than I ever could
and I took it for granted
I lost my chance at love
his eyes have now found someone else
his heart no longer in my care
nothing will compare to my first love
until I find my last

The lulling sounds of the river
mixed with tribal drum beats
pushes us to our feet,
and with one exhale
the room finally bursts to life;
Lights enhance the swirling mass
that dances through the rays
slowly seeping into our tired and damaged lungs
and hypnotizing our fried minds.

I wish I could say
I have the same friends I had a year ago,
but that just isn't how life worked out for me.
People just don't tend to stick with me
while rumors refuse to let go of their hold on me
so I'm plagued by ex friends, ex lovers and their lies
when all I want is some brightness in my life