The bow cuts sharply across taut strings
A crescendo rings out
Loud and hot
Playing across flesh and bone
All alone
A bow of metal
The strings breathe
Spilling out song
Run down
Like blood running from shoulder to wrist
Warm and inviting
Not scary any longer

But to all who don't know a disturbing melody
A tabboo
Not acceptable
Maybe
Maybe not
Like an ill placed violin

Nothing is scarier than being

So much emotion your emotionless
Speechless
Silent and quiet
Hands twisting imitating the spiraling in my brain
Being confronted upfront and blunt with all that pain
Just numb
Anger
Fear
Pain
Hurt
                              TERROR
and nothing
The endless nothing
Screaming at you behind bars
Consuming
Unending
The rage
The seething hatred
You scream
Screaming back
                              WHY
WHY ****** WHY
******* ANSWER
nothing
Always nothing
Never an answer
Waking up
Moving
Head in a field of wheat
Just a dream
Look close at nothing
To hurt nothing you would have to reach through bars
But bars are there to protect
You
You put them up
You did this
You don't want to hurt nothing
Nothing is always there for you
And you realize
Realize nothing is you
Behind a bars your own reflection seethes back at you
And nothing more

Wordless is scarier than

Legs longly stretch across my unconscious
Hands gently tangling the wormy lines of brain
A rearranging to make me theirs
Docile
Compliant
Obedient
To think as one
My insula
My Prefontal cortex
Swollen blobs
My begging eyes crying brain to be loved
Like spiders
Skittering
Scattering
Across my battered brain
My blame turned inward
I who did this
But it was you was it not
You who turned my left and right into the north poles of magnets
You who turned my mind into silly putty and broken glass
Shredding and reforming
Never whole
Never BROKEN

My mother.  

Albadara ***** was my mother. You may have heard of her. The famous actress. She was very religous. Despite what happened behind closed doors. This neverless though made my career decision, harder. She had a lot of love but it was usually used up by men and the camera before any of it came to my father or I. She never did drugs though. So i guess her religion saved her from something.

My Father

He only had eyes for one women. He loved her ever so much. She never noticed. That didn't stop his love ridden *** to pursue and constantly try to please. As always failing dismally. By the end of it all the top half of his romanticly diseased head was scattered to the wind.
I was 8. Ah love. What a stupid thing.

Hartlet *****
A happy child.


What a dumb *****.

The First
He was my first. He said he thought I was cute. I thought he was cute and nice. He asked me out 2 weeks after I met him.  I said yes like the desperate ***** I am. He left sooner than later.

Bread
I turned 18.
Like most.
I had to move out cuz my mother wouldn't let me stay.
Money.
We all need it.
I became a ****.

Attention seeker
The **** liked eyes.
On him.
He also liked games.
Watching my gaze on him he smiled. He led me into a room to "assess the product". What a *****. Making me whine for him. Ugh.

Circus part 1
I loved dancing. Ever since I was a child. Especially ballet. I thought I would perform on a stage. I guess I got my wish, that **** pole.

The second
I never knew
A pity
Almost as much as he pitied me.
But I guess he only liked my glitz and glamour.

And the taboo that i was sleeping with his boss

Circus part 2
Blood
Dancing in it like a warm rain.
I'll never know who saved me
Broke me
And built me in an instance
To cure my hunger for bread
The desire to be a ringleader in that gory circus of the living
I dance for me now




And the dead