I understood I would never marry,
buy a house, have kids,
mow the lawn on Saturday,
wash cars, clean the pool.

I had an atypical plan,
thinking back, for my life:
a wanderer, adventurer or pilgrim
without want of firm roots.

Each destination a chance happening,
an introduction to the unexamined.
Sidewalks, cafes, alleyways, and life
being lived, journaled for remembrance.

The North Country, New York;
Watertown, Carthage, Clayton and Ogdensburg,
strolling their streets dripping
history and memoirs never told.

Lassoing thoughts from wild conversation
with caffeinated coffee shop poets,
struggling with Calvinistic thought streams
and priests in moments of doubt.

My theories in marble.
Gently chiseled with each interaction,
chipped, thoughts evolve
leaving inference among spilt beans.

All memories and dreams mingle.
l hold them gently.
As midnight creeps I’m untethered,
drifting from the shoal once more.


Suddenly I sense wonder:
The Appalachian Trail at Katahdin,
Continental divide at Loveland Pass,
Mount Hood from Pacific Crest.

Have you ever witnessed
views of Mojave’s Kelso Dunes?
Felt the Great Basin’s rainshadow chill,
or contemplated Joshua Trees in prayer?

Often the life of could have been
is more lucid than I am,
kneeling gnarled,
pulling obstinate weeds.

Shallow breath’d and gazing… scanning
my cut grass, clear pool,
a loving wife, adoring children,
my home…

This man,
mind wandering,
acquiesces,
to clarity of thought.

I would have… could have
been that man, that other life,
a Walter Mitty dreaming
a life; mine.

Hold me like a mother.
Kiss me like a sister.
Teach me like a father.
That I may be your brother.

I came to you
And I don't know why
Between all of these people
I came to you breathless
Trying to find a place
Where I could sleep
In your chest
Because in my dreams
They are chasing me
In the streets
they are blocking me
I came to forget these tears
Those illusions
So we can start a new story
And forget about yesterday's wounds
I came to release myself
Would you open your arms to me?
Will you care about all my hurts?

Or should I just leave

I slipped up on the word hello
You choked up on goodbye

Our hands lingered but never met
Our minds brushed but never touched

I saw the way your eyes bled
When I said no

You saw the way my soul shook
When you asked

They called you desperate
I called us separate

It's not the losing hair
That's bothersome;
But the bone
With eyes and brows gone,
And an unattached jaw.