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Mar 2015 · 1.4k
With You.
PEARL SMOKE Mar 2015
I Want To Have A Future With You.
Create A Life Become Your Wife And Have Babys Too.
Both Become successful and Live an Amazing life together.
Remain
Loyal And Faithful
Honest & respectful
True to our love for eachother.
I Want to Start Fresh
Hold No Grudges Or Resentful Feelings
i Want to let go Of the past
The mistakes the lies and broken promises .
i Want to make things right
Do Things As A Team
Keep eachother hopeful and be supportive
i love you so much
theres so many other things
Mar 2015 · 1.1k
39 days
PEARL SMOKE Mar 2015
Ive Been sober for a while again
i hope this time i go far with it & sustain
Im Proud of my self
every day counts and should be applaud for
It Upsets me
Mostly everyone dosnt seem to really care
to them its nothing, they dont want days they want years
its a struggle every second they dont see thats a slow process.
i feel all there looking at
is towards a day i cause another relapse
there not hopeful anymore
there now doubtful at my every move
just waiting till i fail
i wish they were positve at my nice sober trail.
It makes me upset that My loved ones arnt supportive of the few days i have not used.
that to them its nothing.
they dont know how hard it is to stay good.
Mar 2015 · 983
My Baby Robbie march 2015
PEARL SMOKE Mar 2015
He's A Special Person In My Life
iValue him So Much, He brings me light
Without Him i Dont feel complete
Hes The other half of me.
Hopefully
Its Forever, together
Long lasting Happy memories
Robbie
i Love you baby
Your My Everything, Keep me smiling
giving me feelings ive never felt before.
You Are An Inspiration .
i Wish i would have met you long ago.
I Never want to let you go.
You Make Me Feel safe
You Make me Want to improve
Yes we have many more downs than ups
but soon it will be only laughs
its impressive seeing all we've been through
and how we have last.
when your not around me, i feel lonely and sad
i Love Your company and comfort
il give up anything just to be with you
by your side is were i always want to be
you make me feel
joyful and loved
every second with you is special to me.
Mar 2015 · 1.2k
2013 oldie
PEARL SMOKE Mar 2015
Hell Yeah!
i Feel Like How Im supposed to be.
On this fascinating Level You Will never get to feel or see
unless youve read the outcome
unless you are a daredevil like me.
So Sensational And Powerful
I love this tweak
Its So Sad That im high
& After so much help givin
im still doing it.
But look it weakens me
when i feel alone and down
i begin to reminisce about it when im feeling negative
Then Thoughts of using rush right in
i Get the urge and feel temptation rise
then begin to fein
many thoughts of getting lit start racing in
my mind.
An Old Writing i Found
Mar 2015 · 1.0k
Drug & Love
PEARL SMOKE Mar 2015
i Love the drug
But the drug isnt real love.
Even Though im not using, i still have thoughts of it.
even though im not physically active
My Minds processing as if i were.
i Want to stop
Stop thinking of it, its a daily thing
always happening.
When im Overthinking
Feeling Upset, Frusturated, Trapped
And Alone
My solution to wanting to end it is
to get in My Zone.
My Brain Always Headlights Drugs When Im Struggling In My Life
When i Cant Controll My Problems
I Give up quick and dont wanna bother solving them.
i Hate This Drug
But the drug Loves me
When i Dont Want it, It Sneaks Up On Me
to remind me thats its there
all i have to do is dial up
and i can get it quick.
Mar 2015 · 5.2k
18th Bday
PEARL SMOKE Mar 2015
My 18th Birthday Is Coming up
Im Nervous, I Feel Tense While writing this
Will I Continue On Another cycle
Or will i Be strong & Remain keeping count
on my Soberiety days.
Will i Hold back and say no
to the drug..
or will i give in like i did when i turned 14 15 16 17
on the low as the night ends slow
will i resist the urge and stay clean or do it
all over again.
So much to think, the days getting closer..
The Past 4 Years of my birthday
i Have snorted or smoked crystal
this time its differnt because people know of my addiction now back then it was easy because nobody new.
alot has changed over the years, i hope i dont relapse
and if i do..
i dont know..
Mar 2015 · 1.0k
2015
PEARL SMOKE Mar 2015
Another Year ive Begun
Everyone thought i was clean but that same
31st eve, i was strung on
methamphetamine
I know i know Im the one continuing on
but temptation hit hard
i just felt the need to celebrate
and feel differnt , i was feining and
went to go seek it..
Mar 2015 · 922
Used to doubt
PEARL SMOKE Mar 2015
I Used to Doubt
But Now I See and believe
You Really Love me.
Alll the Things You Have Done
Have made me feel lovely
i Dont deserve It.
iDont Know How your still Around.
Lack Of Maintaing Clean
Havent Been quite focused.
I see you understand me and help me control this.
im Sorry for all the wrong ive provoked, You deserve
so much more.
Mar 2015 · 953
His Mind in Circles
PEARL SMOKE Mar 2015
iHave Your Mind
In Circles.
Stressed And Worried over me.
All Because of my disease
Yes I know its so unfair
That You Have to go through this
Through My Comedown And Rages iThrow All
Because of tweak.
Your Minds In Trama
Because Of what you know about my past
Feeling Tortured
Once i Spoke About the lies ive told you.
This Problem i Have Affected Us Too.
Its daily Thoughts & Doubts
Wether im really where i Say Im At
If il Pick Up Or if i used.
Instead Of Missing me And waiting till You See me
Having Thoughts Of Always Wanting to be with me
You Have the complete Opposite
Cause you dont know If you should believe me
My boyfriend was there By my side the 3rd time i Was sent to residential
he was there supporting me and helping me.
he seemed to develope feelings for me through the phone calls we would give eachother
when i had gotten out of rehab he suprised me with baloons and gifts.
so happy i made it.
2 weeks later i relapsed and he was devastated
felt all his help and time was all worth less
time passed bye
arguments after fights
we later go together
made a deal
i give up drugs for his love
i lied and still went on using
later on i confessed about so much
since then hes been doubtful on my every move
Jan 2015 · 1.1k
another relapse
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2015
Late night Walking.
My Bfs Out Drinking
& were both arguing.
All Black Chevy,
Cruising Down The City Lights.
Memories of Getting High
Swipe by My Mind .
Homies Spitting Raps To
The Beat That's Bumping.
Its Been So long since I Kicked Back,
But is this right ?
An old clique ?
A Bad Crowd That Can Make My life go downer Than what it is.
Why'd I Hop in ?
My emotions
were getting the best of me
so I gave in to spend a good time
just how my baby is somewhere out there in the streets.
Drinking His Treat.
To Forget All his problems and ******* with his friends.
I've Been Dealing With All this nonsense sober lately .
No surrounding Changes.
Whether I'm clean or ***** everything flows the same.
It Took A Second
Now I'm Back Were I Belong,
its The Drugs That make me crave so hard. My loneliness enables to it.
Here I Am, Relapsing.
Once The Homie Pulled Out the sack,
I Got A Bit Of Fat rocks then crushed. Rolled and snorted Up.
Now I'm High, I'm on one.
Temptation Blinded Me.
There was no positivity in my brain to have stopped me.
I Was Just So Fed Up with all my mistakes and **** ups.
I Couldn't Think Of My Boyfriends Disappointment because he was already disappointing Me?
I Usually Feel Bad About This, I still do. Just not as much.
I dont know, my minds just unwind & lose
Jan 2015 · 874
Runaway
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2015
A Bag
Few Shirts & pants.
Some bras Socks & underwear
Lotion, Brush Makeup
D.o tweezers paste and toothbrush
On & on
So Simple to pack a bag & be gone
Become a runaway
Leaving a simple note to why.
Sounds so easy
Find a reason then make a plan
Those plans dont ever go as planned
How would you survive
How long will you stay in the 1st home,
Before they get annoyed of you
The struggle of a runaway
Having to find places to stay.
The troubles your put to face
I remember those were my adventures days
Getting high all day all night
No worries of nothing.
Coming up at night
G Rides, Raiding Homes
Just to get some ice.
All seems so nice
Deep inside,  im drowning.
Jan 2015 · 1.5k
Rehab Again
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2015
How many has it been,
One, 2, Three?
How Many Outpatients
More Than 9.
How many hospitalizations
Like 2
How many therapist
7
Phycatrist, counselors, etc ?
So So many.
Here I am going once again for the
Fourth time
To residential rehab.
They say I need more time
For a mind so ill like mine.
6 months or a year
To be fine.
The frustration that I get from not able to do right
Tournaments me
I kust want to be set free and fly
Jan 2015 · 3.8k
Meth Program
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2015
Treatment Centers
After Outpatient,  Rehabs, therapist
Etc
Im Tired Of All this *******.
Sometimes all I want is a dope hit.
But I know
All it will do is cause me temporary satisfaction
And endless Arguments.
New Year?
Same News.
I Need To Create A new story already
I can't believe im
Still here stuck in the same cycle as the past other years.
If theres a god, can he come visiting and hear
That im desperate for a miracle.
Jan 2015 · 1.1k
A Lie & My Ly
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2015
Im Honest About Everything
Except My Sobriety.
The Days i've Been Sober
And if i've Used.
I Have A Problem
I Have A Drug Addiction.
I Don't Consider My Dishonesty
As General Lieing.
I See it More As A Ly
I Dislike How He Always Tends
To Bring Up My Past mistakes
By Saying I lied about Not Using
To Were i Catch Him in A Lie
By Saying He Lied About Being At The Store When he was with his homies.
I Dislike How He Always Uses My Drug Abuse Situations
To Situations That Don't Even Connect.
For Example
He Tells Me I Cheat On Him By Using
To Were i Feel
Hes Purposely Going To cheat on me But with an actual Human being.
I Dislike Him Comparing
Chemicals To A Real life person
Saying its The Same.
When There Completely Different
You Cant Touch Chemicals
Bond with chemicals, Have intimacy With it.
Like You Can
With A Living Person.
Jan 2015 · 1.4k
Im losing me
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2015
Im Losing Myself
In My Own Dark Thoughts.
Getting Caught Up in A Knot,
Then Twirling & Creating Bigger 1s
I Need Help, But im Now Alone
Don't have A Place To Turn
Without Being Judged Or Criticized
Reminded Of All My Wrongs
And Broken Promises.
Of My Dishonesty.
I Need Support, The Ones To
Speak Positively.
The Ones To Tell Me Im Only Human, everyone Makes mistakes.
That Everything will be alright.
I Relapsed
My Thoughts Got The best of me.
Yet i Confess
& Get Treated Harshly
Were in That, is Showing me a reason to Stay sober.
Getting Treated Like A Bad person
Making me feel all sorts of negative
Feelings, is Just going
To make me question?
Why Should i Be Sober.
Confessing Made Everything worse
Instead Of Support
I Get Thrown Everything i Have done incorrectly.
Jan 2015 · 924
Wicked
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2015
I Don't Look At Her Like
She's A Bad Girl
Shes Just misunderstood Sometimes, Shes Alittle Troubled
Shes Alittle Dysfunctional.
Shes a survivor.
Jan 2015 · 769
Never his
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2015
He's My Prince Charming
But i Wasn't His Cinderella.
Maybe That's Why our Relationship is Complicated
Because i wasn't the one he first wanted.
Jan 2015 · 807
Believe
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2015
Sometimes, we just have to let go of someone who matters to us not because we have to, but because its the right thing to do.
Believe Me.
I Love Him Deeply
I Love Him So Much I Want Him To be Set Free
All i Give him
Is Disappointments Pain and misery
I Want Him
To Be With Somebody That's Opposite Of me.
A Normal Girl
No issues No Addictions
A Lovely Girl Thats Experienced With What Love is
And How To Act & Be in a relationship
Matured Smart successful
I Feel letting go
Will Be A Good Thing
Not Towards My life
But his
Because his lifes Worth more than mines
I'd Rather Want Him With A Real women
Than To keep him
And drag him through all my
Complicated b.s
See a Better person
By His side
And live happily ever after
Jan 2015 · 874
Another Relapse
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2015
I Failed Again
Lacked Success &
Collapsed once again.
Im Seen As A Failure Now.
Seen As A Lieing Worthless Shadow
Rubbed in my face
Of how i keep making the same mistake
How supposedly all i care about is being on drugs
That thats my only intrest being high.
Makes Me Sad To Know The Stuff People think about me.
A Drug addict
Not knowing The Cause To My Use
The **** i Go through in my mind
How i function and all these difficulties.
The ******* reasons to my relapses!
Jan 2015 · 780
Slit
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2015
I Want To End My Life.
Right This minute.
I Don't Want To live anymore
I Don't See Me Worth Living.
I Don't See Any good in me.
I Don't Have Any accomplishments
Any Recognitions.
Im A Useless peace of trash
Just taking up space and Air
I Can't Handle My problems
Its to many
Im too much.
I Honestly just dont know anymore
There isnt a word to describe my mood right now
I just want to be dead right now
End it alll
Temporary Frouns
For My loved ones
Then
Long lasting smiles as the days continue on without my presence.
Jan 2015 · 788
I Just Feel hopeless
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2015
I Can't Seem To Know How To Explain My Thoughts Well.
Im Misunderstood.
Im Feeling So Low Right now
The Person I Need
Can't Seem To Help Me Now
I Can't Turn to them
Because i disappointed them once again.
I Have nobody To Turn to now
&
My Loneliness Keeps Telling me i should..
Temptions Heavier Than Before
Arguments are My main
Trigger.
I Don't Want To go back to how i was before..
I Want Comfort
I Want To Feel Love, Someone to vent to
I Want Someone To Tell me im not a failure and everything will be alright :(
Dec 2014 · 1.0k
Trigger Relapse Holiday
PEARL SMOKE Dec 2014
Every Holiday
That Has Passed in The Last 4 Yrs
Easter, 4th Of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Eve, new Years. (Etc)
Relatives & Family's
Birthday.
I Have Used ****.
Even When it Was Christmas while i was in a locked facility
Residential Rehab i Manage To Get
On one.
Isnt That Crazy?
Addicts Saying is
" If They Really Want There Drug, They Will Find Any possible Way To Get it in there hands no matter what."
The 24th Of December
Is Tomorrow.
Its Going To Be Very Tempting For Me To use For The next 2 Weeks.
Im Scared.
I Don't Want To Continue On My Tradition.
Hopefully i over come it
And be Sober
Being able to Smile, laugh and eat
With my family.
I hope so.
Dec 2014 · 1.9k
i was curious
PEARL SMOKE Dec 2014
I Introduced Myself To ****
Searched On The Internet
Most Dangerous Drug
I Was Curious
None Around Me Had Ever Mentioned or Talked About it
At 14
I Read Its Affects & Effects
The Consequences
Of **** Use Didn't Scare me
The Sensation of How it Makes You Feel is What bought me.
There i Go
That Same Day, That Night.
Hit Up My Dealer
Asked if He Had Any Connections
Turned out, He Sold That Too
iWanted To Try This
A One Time Thing, Just to see
Got it That Night
Crushed it Till i Thought Could Turn To Powder, Never Did.
Rolled Up A Dollar
Snorted A 3/4 Inch Line
Of Shiny Crystals
Then instantly my Nose Was on fire
Felt Like it Cut Up Inside my nose
Dissolving my sinuses
The pain lasted Around 40 Seconds
My Eyes Got Teary and Redish
Then A Few Minutes Later
A Nasty Taste Dripped in the Back Of My Throat
So Bitter and horrible
But
The Feel iT Gave Me Was
incredibly Wonderful
Did not expect this much Amazing sensation.
I loved it, Ice Seduced Me
The Drug Had Me Up loving Life For 24 Hrs
Once The high was gone
I Noticed i felt much better on it
So i Wanted it again
The Feeling Was As if You Won The Lottery, Had Every Materialistic
Thing you Ever wanted
As if All Your Dreams all Came True
Accomplishing
More Than 100 Thing's
Felt So Good about myself
Motivated, Highself Esteemed
I Liked How iT Functioned
iUsed
Then iT Quickly Turned
To Abuse
I Wanted To Feel That Loving Euphoria Affect Everyday
I loved it.
Id Started Buying more of it
Without Keeping Count of How Much id Spend.
Id Buy Bigger Quantities
The Amount iBegan With No Longer Hit Me, iNeeded More
I Had Then Built A Tolerance iHad No Recognition of.
I Noticed
My Allowence Money Was No Longer Enough To Get Me High
I Lost Control, **** Took A hold.
iBelieved iWas Doing it Out of me.
When in Reality
The Substance is whats Telling Me What To Do & how to Move
Developed The Addictive Mentality
Asking My Body For More
& More.
Scheming Of Ways To Provide Myself to get high.
It Was Destroying My Life
I Was To High To Even Realize The Negative Affects it was creating.
It Pushed People Away
I Was All About My Dope
Didnt Care if i lost Friends
Just Wanted To Smoke.
It Complicated & Made My Life miserable.
Crystal Had Me So Distracted i Had No iDea Or Intrest About What Was Going On Around me.
Family Arguments Appeared
iWould Get Rowdy Or Act ****** When id Be Coming Down
And Just Talk nonsense
Even if Nobody Was Doing Anything to me
Id Just Keep Disrespecting.
I Slowly Started To Disappear
And Was Becoming A Whole New Person.
With A Different View, Perspective
Unknown motives
Unpredictable Actions
I Lost My Self Completely
Mentally & Emotionally
I Smoked My Self Gone
People Then Started Becoming Concerned, Saying i had a problem.
I Then No Longer New
Who i Really Was.
Not Like it Mattered To Me Anyways
All i Cared About Was My Dope
And Getting High.
I Was Living in My Own Unrealistic World.
What Began To Look Real To Me.
Lack Of sleep
Made Me Start Tripping, Hearing Voices And Seeing ****.
I Would Go Weeks Without Sleep And food .
I Experienced So Many Bad Trips
Methamphetamine Had Me In A Bumpy Road, Lead Me To places i didnt know existed
And introduced me to tweakers who became my homie
iWasnt Concerned About My Looks Rather More into finding more
Dope Hooks
My Image Was Fading
I Became Very Thin, My Cheecks ****** in
Skin Tone Was Pale
Easily bruised
Collar bone out, My pupils Would Stand Out Especially With The Dark Bags under My Eyes.
i thought i looked good.
The Drug blocked the view of how i slowly began to look.
I Didnt Mind, Didn't Care .
I No longer Stoped to think About
My Actions or consequences
i Started to rebel more
I Didnt Fear Or Was Scared of nothing.
Eventually i Got To The point were i Would use and just feel nothing.
I Had No More Emotions
I Couldn't Smile or cry
I Felt No Remorse No Guilt
No Present Conscious
All Of This Behavior Led Me To Stealing And Doing Things that Went against My Own Will.
The Drugs
Messed With My Head
Gave Me insane Thoughts
Made Me Think Evil
Into A Complete Monster.
Its Really Krazie How these Tiny Shards Can Convernt
You into Something So Lifeless And Horrible.
I Went From Being A Curious Regular girl
To Just Wanting to Sit in My Room Isolated Everyday and just get high Hitting the Glass Pipe.
I dedicated all my time to this
I was sprung and in love
I depended on it for everything
I Went A Long Road
Went Through So Much
4 years of this
Story goes on..
Dec 2014 · 723
Why i Do
PEARL SMOKE Dec 2014
I Have To Become Sober
To let My Brain Recover
So i Can Function Better
For My Health
To Not Get Deeper in Depression
To Live Life and be someone
To Be in my Family's life
to Have Feelings
To Remain in A Relationship with my boyfriend
To Show People i Can Do it.
Dec 2014 · 582
over already
PEARL SMOKE Dec 2014
When Will My Recovery Process End?
When Will Drugs Erase Completely Out of My Mind.
When Will Temptation stop
When Will i Stop Talking about it
When will i Stop.Writing about it
When Will i Stop Seeing it As the Solution To my problems
When Will i Stop
When Will I Stop Wanting it
When Will i Stop missing How it feels to be high.
When Will i Stop Having this bit of love i still carry.
Dec 2014 · 1.8k
Replace It
PEARL SMOKE Dec 2014
My Boyfriend Wrote This Poem

I Want Her To Love Me
As Much As She Loves her drug
Crystal ****.
I Want Her To Care About Me
How She Cares About Getting high.
I Want Her To Spend Time With Me
How She spends her time
Hitting the pipe
I Want Her To Come to Me When shes upset
Just how she reachs **** for support
I Want To Be The Only
One She Thinks About
I Want Her To See Me As Her Addictive Drug.
Dec 2014 · 912
miss
PEARL SMOKE Dec 2014
I Have Relapsed So Many Times
Lied About My Sobriety All the Time.
Been to Many Programs.
My Life Sober
Is Difficult.
My Parents Don't trust Me
I Can't Go out on my own
I Can't be left alone
I can't go to regular school
I can't have friends
I have no more friends
I can't hold money
My Boyfriend & Folks
Always Doubt me.
I get accused of using when i hadn't done nothing.
I Feel So Alone
I Feel Trapped, i Don't Have Fun
Im Hardly ever happy.
People are always on my case
Im Always being reminded not to use
I have to work for my things
I Have to Work For Happiness
I have to build  relationships
I Became negative
I Deal with mood swings
I Deal With Temptation
I Get Sad Alot.
My Life is so plain & boring
I Have To catch up on alot
I Miss Crystal ****
It Makes Me Happy & Love Myself
It Makes Me Me Feel loved
Never makes me sad
Is always there for me
My quick fix to my problems
I Don't Deal with Anything
Its What i need, To Live My Life.
It Avoids me From b.s
It keeps me company all the time never has me feeling lonely.
I love Living Intoxicated.
But i Know its all
Illusions and bad for me
But i don't care.
Sorry.
Dec 2014 · 1.2k
Sober
PEARL SMOKE Dec 2014
" Your Life Will Be So Much and Get Better, You Will Feel Good, You Will Enjoy Things if You Drop Your Drugs."
Im Sober, i Hate it.
I Don't See Nothing Good About it.
I Don't Feel Good, i See Nothing better.
Everything just Got worse.
Im Miserable, Sad, Depressed.
Sometimes i Regret Quitting.
When i Would Get High
My Only Struggle Was To Not comedown.
Now That im Sober i Deal With So Much ****.
I Argue More Then When i Would use.
I Have So many responsibilities
I Stress So Much, get frustrated
Im Not Happy At All
I Don't Have Fun
Etc
To Me
Being High is My Sober
I Don't Care About Anything
I Don't Deal With Anything
I Feel Nothing
Im In My own world that is wonderful.
Better than my life now.
Id Rather Be Addicted
Than Clean.
To Be Honest, i Hate the real world
Dec 2014 · 854
Trigger
PEARL SMOKE Dec 2014
Your My Support Right ?
You Tell Me To Stop Using Drugs Right?
You Want me Sober Completely
Right?
When You Drink
You Trigger Me, That Temps Me.
I Look Up To You
You Drink When Your Upset
To Cope At Times Right ?
Every time You Do,
I Get The Craving Of Wanting something In my body too,
When i See you Take sips
It temps me
And i get the feeling of wanting to take a Dope hit.
I Would Like For You To Stop.
Drinking Completely
For Me.
Not Just Because it makes me want to use, but also
For Your own good.
I love You
Dec 2014 · 742
?
PEARL SMOKE Dec 2014
?
I Love You.
Why Don't You Believe Me?
I Care Alot About You.
Why Do You Say i Don't?
My Life Revovles Around Your Existence.
You Tell Me You
Don't Feel Loved
You Tell Me You Feel Unwanted
You Tell Me i Don't Spend Enough Time With You.
Why iS This Baby?
I Dedicate All My Time To You!
Even in My Mind
I Think About You All Day All Night
I Drive My Self Crazy
Im Crazy About You.
Ugh i love You So ****** much.
Dec 2014 · 759
Why I Deny Sobriety
PEARL SMOKE Dec 2014
Days Like These
Where im Alone, Thinking Deep
& Heavily.
I Feel Like i Have Nobody.
No One Seems To Understand Me.
Nobody ****** Gets Me.
I Dont Care About Happiness Anymore.
Im Done Trying To Find Reasons To Smile And Feel Happy For
My Whole Life is A Fail
My Relationship Isnt No Where Near How Books And Movies Tell.
I Have Nothing Going Good for Me.
I Don't Want Help From Anyone Anymore.
Im Not Going To Speak Up About My Thoughts Or if im Doing Well.
If People Walk Out Of My Life
Then Owell
Im Starting To Careless & Less
I Don't Look Forward Towards Anything.
I Don't Know What Els To Write literally **** Everything.
Dec 2014 · 1.4k
I Dont Control it
PEARL SMOKE Dec 2014
I Feel Happy
Excited, Joyful, Energetic
I Feel Sad
Hopeless, Worthless, Useless
I Feel Mad
Angry, Hate, Violent
I Feel Nothing
Emotionless, Empty, Numb
I Feel All These At Once
All Mixed Together
Within Some Minutes Or Hours
They Change Without Me Wanting Them Too.
I Have Depression, I Am BiPolar
Im Also A Recovering
**** Addict
I Dont Like Dealing With All Of This
Its So Confusing
Frustrates Me
Makes My Life Complicated
Affects My Daily Living.
I Often Ask
Is My Life Worth Living?
Why Do i Have to Go Through All Of This, Why Can't I Just Enjoy Life Normally
Why Me?
:(
Dec 2014 · 943
A Poem My Bf Wrote.
PEARL SMOKE Dec 2014
She's My World
My Happiness, My Bestfriend.
It Hurts Me To Read, All Her Poetry.
My Girlfriend is Wrong.
She Needs To Stop Believing Shes Weak, She iS Very Strong.
It Disappoints Me To Know How Low My Baby Thinks Of Her Self.
Worthless, Useless ?
She's Worth More Than Gold To Me!
Usefull In My Life.
My Girlfriend's The Reason i Changed My old Ways.
It Breaks Me Down To Hear
That Drugs Or Self Harm Is What She Seeks When Feeling Unhappy.
How i Wish She Chose Me As Her Replacement To Feel Happy.
My Baby Needs To Realize That There is A Way Better Road To Go Through.
My Girlfriend Needs To Stop
Putting Herself Down.
My Baby Needs To Start Believing Shes Somebody And Deserves
To Be Happy.
Dec 2014 · 660
Not 1, Its Another
PEARL SMOKE Dec 2014
If iTs Not 1 Thing, iTs Another.
From A Bad Habit
To Another.
Both Solutions To Escape.
To Cope.
To Feel Better.
Self Harm Or Substance Abuse.
A Razor Blade
Or A Needle
Both Aiming For A Vein.
Suicide Or Overdose.
Which i Prefer Both.
I Wish i Never Turned To These.
Around The Time
It Was All That Was There For Me.
Seeing My Self
Turn To This
Make Me Feel worse
Such A Sad Thing
To Be Placed In Those Positions
Believing Thats
What Only Works.
Im ****** Up Mentality
The **** i Do
Make My Own Self Call Me Crazy.
I Just Want To
Be Happy.
Not Fake It
When Behind The Mask
I Feel Like Dieing.
Nobody Will Ever Understand How Deep My Pain is.
I Hate This.
Dec 2014 · 4.9k
DRUG
PEARL SMOKE Dec 2014
Gotta Love This ****
Changes You Up Quick.
Take A Little Hit, Take A Pop, A Taste, A Bite A Syringe  .
Chemical Effects Seeing Life Unrealistic Getting Super ****** Twisted <3
Loving Life Feeling 20x Better Than Mighty Fine, iTs Fantastic Can Be Long Lasting.
You'll Truly See How Wonderful iT iS, Like Real Magic.
Body Sensation, Mind Blasting,  Euphoria Rising, Smiles, Hugs, Many Laughing.
One Simple Dose Can Make You Feel important, Wanted, Loved,  Above, Amazing, Powerful, Special, invincible.
Your Kept Focused On Yourself And Dreamy Like Flow That You'll Soon Fall inlove With
iTs A Feel indescribable & Just Everything You Can Ask For.
Blocks And Keeps You Away From Your Surroundings, its Unique, intense, Has Suspense , Gives You Affection & So Much Satisfaction Plus Attention Keeps You  Distracted By These Temporary Actions.
You Like What iT Brings You
How Happy & Better Of A Life You Seem To Be Living iN Your Eyes,
it Lies
It'l Keep You Wanting So You Begin And Keep On Finding .
You Used, Now You Abuse
Fell For iTs Tricks,Now You Say
I Can't Live Without This.
Your Life's On Pause Took This Dangerous Vacation Which No One Has A Clue Whether You'll Come Back The Same Or Alive Cause
Your Brains So
Damaged & Fried
You Keep On Consuming Assuming Everything's All Right,
Your Hooked On This Potion Poison That Hypnotized You
Took Ahold Of You
Your Becoming Unknown
Lost Control , Life Spans On A Thin Line, Fast Mode, Became So Distant , isolated
Your Un-Existent To The World Now. But You Yourself Dont Even Give A **** About Anyone But Your Drugs . Went So Low Sold Your Soul To A Heavy Substance Which You Consider Your Only And Lord.
Minds Erased,
Future Hope And Dreams Went All To Waste
Reality Seems Fake
So Used To Being High
You Feel its Your Normal Estate. Have No Faith Became So Negative , And Careless & Use Your Heart less Went Against Your Morals & Values Not Minding The Monster You Have Turned into.
Self  Image Beginning To Lose iTs Color iTs Details
Thinning , All Numbed Out,
Having No Type Of Emotions , Cant Laugh, No Smiles, Your Charm Fades,  Life Became A Daze Long Maze You Then Begin To Feel Hopeless, Worthless Thinking And Believing You Can Only Move On By Continuing Smoking
This Dope ****
Your Body Begins This Tolerance, leading & Waiting To Introduce You To What You'll Consider Hell Worser Than Comedowns
Withdrawls.
Body's All Messed Up Tricking You Into Thinking That A Nice Hit Will Fix You Up.
So Much More To This Bad Habit Of A Drug.
Havnt Mentioned
Money, Risks, And Lost's.
Drugs End Up ******* You Up Sadly Madly Disappointed At The Fact You Threw Away Your Life Without Even Noticing .
Or Wanting.
Your Addicted And Sickened
Strung Out But Still Looking Towards How Your Getting Your Next Fix? You Still Go Down The Lane Passing The Stop Sign
In Another Dimension  Nobody But You Only Mention
Going Krazie, Buried Yourself,
Your A New Person.
Paranoia, Voices, Shadows, Whispers Your Becoming insane Looking So Drained.
On A No Sleep Mode,
But You Don't Care So You Still Go Down The Same Lane
Cause iTs Really Hard To Change From What You Have Been Around And Same Routines For A While And So Used To Doing And Living With These New Drugged
Thoughts, Mind, New State Mentality Full Of Loving Drugs And Living With Day And Day On And On.
You Messed With Your Head
Even Though You End Up Making iT To Sobriety Days
Most Likely You'll Relapse And Fall Again.
Because Drugs Had Made A Huge Impact In Your Life For A Long Period Of Time
iTs A Strong Attachment That Can And Will Heal By Time iF You
Try
Have Hope in Your Eyes Ears Heart &
Mind.
Nov 2014 · 882
deppression
PEARL SMOKE Nov 2014
Im Struggling So Much
And Im Doing nothing But Let Me
If Anything Add Things.
This Depression Takes Affect On Me So Much
That i Don't Think People See
How Its Very Sadning
People Around Me Are Most Likely Used To My Same ****
Negative Talking.
That They Feel iTs An Okay Thing Since im Always
Singing The Same Old Song.
It Hurts Me Alot
I Dont Like Feeling Sad All The Time
Feeling Like i Have No Worth
Not Having Motivation
Feeling Useless
Especially When i Dont Have Any Reasons To Actually Even
Think Like This.
My Mind Makes Me Think So Low
Without Actual Reasoning
I Feed into it
Then Start believing it
Feeling Like Theres No Point in Living.
What Depression Leads Me To
Are Suicidal Thoughts
Especially When im Over thinking.
Just For The Littlest ****
Id Want To Cut A Vein.
Isnt That Dumb And Insane?
Thats How Bad Having it is.
How Hard its living Daily Like This.
I Don't Want To Continue
Surrounded By The Only Option Of Killing My Self.
For Others it Sounds So Stupid
Only if They Knew How ******* Bad And hurtful it is To Thinking This Way,
Nov 2014 · 856
Not The Same
PEARL SMOKE Nov 2014
iDont Think
iCould Continue On
ILove Him So Much, But Seeing Him Face To Face
Just Reminds Me Of How ive Done Him Wrong.
The Feel Of Guilt And Shame
How iWish iNever Tried Drugs.
The Reason
To Most of Our Conflicts.
im Laying Down
Emotions Just Tipping Around
Thinking For A Solution
IFeel i Should Just Set Him Free Because All I've Done
Was Just  Disappoint Him
Hes Honestly
Better Off Finding
Another Girl Rather Than me
Iv Done to much
I Feel So Bad
And Don't Think il Ever Forgive Myself For The Lies i Made Him Believe.
I Don't Know How To Express How Much pain
Im Actually Feeling .
Knowing My Lover Now Sees Me Different
And i know he has lost feelings.
How i Regret
Not Being honest from the very start.
Nov 2014 · 495
Away
PEARL SMOKE Nov 2014
I Tend To Always Want
To Walk Away
From Every Type Of Conflict.
Instead Of Staying
And Trying To See What We Can Work With.
I Give Up To Easily
& Feel if i Remove My Self
There Life Can Become Better.
i Make Myself. Suffer,
Just To Let Them Go So They Can Find A New Path
To Go Threw.
While inside Me
I Never Want To Set Them Free
But if They Stay
I Know im The One Who Just Dosnt Seem To understand
Or cooperate
With so many issues
floating in my head.
Nov 2014 · 758
Same Person
PEARL SMOKE Nov 2014
The Person i Made
The Commitment Of Maintaining Sober
Is The Same Person Who
i Relapse Over.
Yes, He Supports Me And Motivates Me Towards Succeeding.
But At Times He Tells Me Things That Trigger Me To Relapsing.
So i Question My Self How This is Supposed To.Work?
Hes The Potion But Posion As Well.
Like in The past
He Was The Reason Why iRan Away To Go Use To Forget How Hurt And used he Made me Feel.
But Then
Was The Reason i Accepted Rehab All Over Again.
Called Me And Supported Me Those 3 months, i Became Sober Once Again For Him.
When i Got Out
2 Weeks later i Did it Again
Because Of The Same Person.
Ever since i Kept ******* Up
Iwas Already in Good steps,
Motivated looked happy and healthy but **** happened that made me want to fall.
The Funny Thing.
This Very Same Man Turned into My Boyfriend.
And Yet Still hes One of my triggers.
Nov 2014 · 1.0k
One Line Two
PEARL SMOKE Nov 2014
I'm Craving Meths Euphoria flow
I'm Sorry Baby
if your reading this But I can't resist to hold this thought in.
Knock knock
It's My Dealer At The door
delivering a Fat sack of
Crystal Rocks
Drop Some, Cut it, line it
One Line
Snort it Fast
Crushed Up Well, Burns like hell
Sniff After Sniffs
Eyes Turned Glossy, Shred A Tear. Seconds later
Felt the Drip Tingle
Down my Throat bitter taste
One Line Two Lines
I'm Beginning To Feel Heightened a sense of Pride and Self Worth Very Confident Awake and Alert.
One Line Two Lines Three Lines
I'm Feeling Amazing, energetic, Talkative
One Line Two Lines Three Lines four
I feel As if I Own And Accomplished Everything in This Word.
Unlimited Happiness all in Just
One Dose.
One Line
I Fell In Love With Its Every Effect.
I forever want to feel this way
One Line Two Lines
IDont Ever Want to stop I'm sprung
I want to continue on
One Line Two Lines Three Lines
I'll Keep Using, it's so strong Fantastic iDc if iOver Dose
One Line Two Lines Three Lines four.
I want More I Need More.
Nov 2014 · 918
If i Relapsed
PEARL SMOKE Nov 2014
I know I have relapsed many times after I got out.
But What if, I end up slipping just once again?
Will iT Be it? Will you Get Up
And Pack Your ****?
Or Will You Still Be Standing
Next to me
and help me get up and continue moving me forward.
Or Will You Just Give Up
And Let Me Go Deep further in my struggle.
What if I used, And Admitted it
Will You Look Angry
and say *******.
Or look disappointed
and say it's okay I still got you.
If I Used and told you
when I should have let you known before
Will You throw me to the curb
Or try to understand its not that easy to just stop myself with
Having impulsive behavior.
What would you do
if I walked up to you being honest about relapse.
Would you forget me
and Mark me absent.
Or Would You Forgive me
and give credit for not keeping it from you.
If I Told You I Got So Tempted ,
My Mind Just Couldn't take ****
and I felt urged
so I smoked.
Would You Look at me straight saying sorry I did as Much as I could take and disappear.
Or Would you stay
and help me figure out solutions to resolve my urge feel to using?
Nov 2014 · 1.4k
Lied
PEARL SMOKE Nov 2014
I'm Sorry Baby
Yes, Those who Truly Love would never lie.
But I Felt The Need To
iKnow The Truth To My Relapse
Will hurt you
and I'd probably
lose you.
So I decided it was best to
fool you
cause I want us to be forever,
I adore you!
Then Why Don't I just be honest?
Because I can't.
You'll Walk out the minute I tell you I had it again in my hands.
Youv Helped Me So much
&
Do the impossible to keep me out of reach
Take Most Of Your time to focus on me.
To see what I need.
You give me everything.
Addiction is a very hard thing
You Probably think I find it
So Easy to Say false things carelessly .
Underneath were the rightful things are seeked
I'm Really hurting and beating my self up with what I'm doing
The Drug Puts up a false front
Just to keep me consuming.
I Don't Want to lie
But I know the truth will make you Say goodbye.
Hope you understand
That it's not me who's dishonest
It's the drug that takes controll or Temptation that blind folds
To get me where it
Wants me.
Nov 2014 · 7.0k
Wanting Meth
PEARL SMOKE Nov 2014
I'm Feining For A Dose of
Methamphetamine.
I Know I Have successful  Sobriety Days.
But My Thoughts Are Overwhelming Me Heavily.
And What Best Knowing iCan Take A Hit And Forget Everything. I'm Feeling So Low,
Drowning My Self in Guilt And Sorrow. Yes I Know Its Effects Arnt Forever lasting .
But My Heads pounding iJust Want To Feel The **** Flow Blast in.
How Long? How Strong?
Will I Give in or Will Reality Kick quick Which Do You Predict?
Scan Through My History,
Sadning Because My Minds Weak And Would Rather Tweak
Than Go Through it how I'm Supposed to.
Wouldn't Be The First time,
More Like it's the only option
I tend to want to see.
Because of what it brings,
An Easy Solution That will have me Loving its fascinating Pollution.
Deep in me I really don't want to abuse this,
But When I Feel So hopeless
My Mind blinds me on purpose
to reach the Dope Switch
And instantly want to turn to the substance
and use to get high to cope with.
Oct 2014 · 699
Goodie
PEARL SMOKE Oct 2014
When iDont Seek iT
iT Seeks Me
Now That iDont Want iT
iT Finds Ways
Finds Ways To Make iTs Way
To Convince Me
To Say Yes Once Again
But im Strong
iKnow iM Not, But if i Try To believe
Maybe itl bleed through
That i Can Beat iT.
Sobriety
Sep 2014 · 508
over
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2014
iWanna Start My Life Over
Sober
No Use Of Drugs
Completely Pure With Innocence
Sep 2014 · 798
iCan
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2014
Sunshine
Smile Lovely, Love Kindly
Appreciate Your Surroundings And Take Advantage
Of The Help And support your
Being Provided
Just Like You'd Bust A Sweat To Pick Up, Risk and do thrill things
You Should be
Able To Accomplish Positive Things Quick
With That Same Effort And energy You'd Put in.
iCan Do iT. iCan Be Positive And Overcome Every Fear and stop my negative actions.
Time to be sincere.
Sep 2014 · 1.6k
Run Away
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2014
iWanna Run Away
For Bad.
iM Sad And iFeel Hopeless
The Only Thing That iFeel iCan Truly Feel Worth iT
is Dope.
iWanna Take A Hit.
iKnow il Feel Happy
Just if iGet Lit
iWanna Twist Just One last Time
Yes A Relapse
Thatll il risk
iKnow The Consequences
But this is it
iKnow il lose Everything once again but idk iF iHave Enough Heart
iLove, But Not Like iUsed to
This substance is
Powerful
Itll Take over
Its sour
iWanna use
And im getting closer to the point were i dont care if i lose...
Sep 2014 · 817
what
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2014
iSmile, iLaugh, iHug
Deep Within Me its All an Act.
iFroun, iScream, iCry
Deep Within Me iTs What iFeel
Why Do iFeel Empty?
They Tell Me iHave Everything
A Family, Wealth, Support
iKnow iKnow iKnow
They Say What More?
Idont Know, iDont Feel Alive
iFeel Souless, No interest, lifeless
What Do iWant? What Are
My Needs? To fullfill these Depression Thats deepining .
Sep 2014 · 857
Lately
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2014
iLove Him
iReally Do, Lately ive Been Having Nothing To Do.
Remembering How i'd Spend Much Time With Him
Cuddle, Talk, Movies, Go Places
Now its Like
Ilay in Bed All Day Waiting For Him impatiently to come home
I Got So used To
Being With him 24/7
Now we're Almost apart All Day
Went From All Day
To 3 hrs
Alone All Day, is Driving me insane
Loneliness is the replacement
iLove Him
iTruly Do
But Lately, ive Been Having Nothing T o Do
The Emptyness Between the
Hours seems To Be Slowly Drifting me Away..
Its not that i want to
Ijust dont know
Sep 2014 · 798
iM Sorry
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2014
iFeel Guilty When iBuy This **** Now.
Im ******* up, im Truly Sorry
To All My loved ones
Who im letting down again. And instead of Stopping
The minute it gets to me?
Im Thinking
Of how getting my next fix.
iTs Disappointing
Iknow, but iLove iT!
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