I guess I take after my mother. The way she walks, talks, screams and disintegrates.
It's not fair, I didn't ask for the comforting feeling of falling off a 300 foot building just to land face first at my dinner table.
And my hand writing looks like an etch a sketch trying to paint a picture of how we're still holding this family together. But it all falls apart so quickly if I give it a shake.

If you cut me in half you could count my scars like a tree stump. And they branch out with my misfortunes hanging on like leaves.
I'd do anything to cut down my family tree
Or for my mother to even hear me speak.
If I could I'd take my fist through my her voice box and wash her brain cells with rubber gloves and dish soap.
If I could just cleanse her ears with my screams.
How could I take after her when I'm the only one that's listening?

You ever wonder what it would be like for your own mother to find you in your room with dangling from your ceiling fan?
I know it's selfish but I can't go one ******* night without thinking about what would happen if I blew a red light
I am already two feet planted at the edge of the roof of a 17 story building shaped like the home I grew up in. Each floor is a year of my life I never got back.
The voices in my head saying "don't do it! don't jump" But I've already reached the ground before I even stepped off the ledge. Nothing's different.
I'd ask to stay home sick but they don't have a thermometer to measure the amount of love you're deficient of.
And they don't have a cure for neglect.
I didn't ask to be born with self destruction
Or to have to make friends with all of my grudges.
They're shaped like the ones that have raised me.
But they never left me less than empty.

My father and I joke about ending it all, we laugh in unison but I know that we both know neither one of us is joking.
If he died he would die in my closet, with the skeletons that kept me alive.
They'll bury him with my secrets that didn't **** me but kept me dead inside.
And in his eulogy I will concoct up a swarm of lies to commemorate his broken promises.
But he can rest with an clear conscious knowing my I'll live the rest of my life pretending to not be haunted.

If this family was a time capsule I would put in a letter to my father every single time he wasn't there to tell me to believe.
So I can open it 10 years later and remember that the fault here wasn't mine to keep
I hope your mistakes sing you to sleep every night you never did for me.
And every nightmare causes your eyes to bleed because every single time that I needed you, you were too blind to see.

If the apple doesn't fall far from the tree why do I feel like I'm so close to bouncing back.

I've been sitting here so long i cant tell the difference between ribcages and coffee tables.
And the blood vessels in my eyes are starting to look like my family tree.
Made friends with my shadow that only comes out in the night time and with the dusty books I'll never read because I can't invest myself in things that have a certain end.
I can't let things end because that means the ones who got away have won. And even my shadow has now left me too. My hands turn calloused trying to hold on to ink cartridge people who have run out of time.
Our hands intertwine as if we were a clock, always on the same hour but never on the same page.
Of these books I can never read.
I swallow everything including my pride.
How long have you been afraid?
And why can you read palms of strangers you can't let go but you can't read those ******* books in your closet?
And why can you clean out your junk drawer but you can't wake up with clear conscious?
Why are you blowing your whistle when your lovers have already died?
Your childhood isn't slipping away stop clenching your fists.
Where does lucid dreaming really take you when you can't see straight?
Why won't you stop shaking?
You're afraid that these stories will rewrite your own because you could never get it right the first time around.
If they could get it right your skin wouldn't be stained with regret and emotion
Who's scratching at the walls?
Who's crawling in the attic?
Who's scratching at the surface of this panic?
Who the **** is knocking on your front door and why can't you let anyone in even when you send them an invitation?
Step right up
Guess my fate
Why does it even matter what those books have to say?
And why could I never give myself a break?
Hiding under my covers when my parents turned into earthquakes
Those stories don't matter
The only one that does
Was Christmas Day 2010
When everyone around me finally gave up.

Your eyes, like the sun and if I stare too long.
I'm blinded
If I get too close
my skin is boiling,
I'll disintegrate into dust on your bedroom floor.
Open mouths sitting upon a bed of nails
I am not your poltergeist
Don't treat me like you can't see me
And don't look at me if you can
my mind is as sporadic as your freckles.
Eradicate my thoughts with your fleshy fingers
Sinking sinking sinking into the webs of mine
I am not your poltergeist but
I lucid dream that you love me, outside of my body.

Your words hit my chest like salt in bullet wounds and under your knife I was defenseless.
I let you rearrange my body parts to ensure your happiness and you forgot to stitch the wound.
Your shoulder to cry on is everyone you ever loved playing Russian roulette and you're the one holding the gun.
And our future was that gun pointed right at my face and I opened my mouth and begged for a taste
You cannot kiss death without death kissing you back
And I would've been so lucky

My dad doesn't understand visiting graves.
He says when you're dead you're dead.
That's when I realized death switched from a fear to a feeling.
He was always good at turning problems into cadavers
And painting on a fake smile with a chest cavity full of black matter.

I never did cry when my dog died
I put the constant in numb.
And sometimes I sit in that parking lot and I chain myself to my memories in protest
If you want to move past this you're gonna have to go through me.
I let the pavement swallow me whole
And think about what would've happened if she made it inside.

I want to tell you about when it was that I stopped sitting in doctors chairs and why my nightmares have teeth.
How I wish you would treat me like a tombstone
About how I want to be buried in the park across the street from my house.
How there is nothing beautiful 
about names that read like funerals.

I wonder why some houses keep lights on in every window
As if they're waiting for someone to come home.
That never will.
And if there is a light that never goes out
Why does the darkness come creeping back in every chance it gets?
And when are you coming home?

Eyes open
Feet on the floor
Stop to look in the mirror
Step on the scale
Cringe
Brush teeth
Avoid eye contact with
Ugly/*****/worthless/sad/girl
Close the door behind you
T shirt + leggings + converse
Eyes watering
Breakfast//no breakfast//fat//skip it
Keys
Open door
Turn on ignition
And drive away.

This is just getting out the door in the morning. It's getting harder everyday.

She never really thought she would do it.
She never really thought she would be sitting here with a bottle of antifreeze in one hand and sleeping pills in the other.
Shaking
Debating
Panicking
She got to this point
Destroying herself
Suffering in silence
Hiding her mind
Hiding the cuts on her arms
She feels so selfish but she can't care
She has always destroyed herself
But now shes destroying others too
She hates herself
Anxiety
Note
Death
Tells people
Don't worry worry don't don't worry okay don't I'm fine fine fine okay I'm good
If this doesn't work
Life
Disappoint
Hell
****
But if it does
Done
Disappear
Alone
Empty
She doesn't know what is going to happen
She has now been sitting here for 2 hours
On this mountain
All alone
Phone off
Her mind is killing her
Chug
Gulp
Water
It's done
Now she just has to wait 3 hours
Anxiety attack attack anxiety who will find me it's going to hurt
Acute kidney failure
How she's dying.
She is crying
Crying
Vibrating
Questioning
Turns on phone
Phone on
Call someone
Someone anyone anyone
She wants to die
But her family will hate her
Her family will be heartbroken
10 texts
4 missed calls
Wait crying bawling
Her asking
Why can't I just disappear?
Why can't I slip away with no one knowing?
Why do I exist?
Why do I hurt everyone?
I wasn't thinking think
I was freaking freak
Call
Someone
Now
No
No
No
No.
She whispers to herself
"I just can't do it anymore"
Wipes away a tear
Reclines her seat in her car
And falls
Asleep.