Can I remember,
How to put pen to paper?
How did I form the words?
How do I know what I want to say
When I have forgotten so much?

My world has become so loud,
So busy,
So full.
Yet at times
I feel so empty.
Like I'm all out of strength
Of heart
Of thought.

The numb is so overwhelming,
I never knew
How important these feeling would be
Now I don't hold the memory of me.

I look to my past
To help me find my way.
If I can put
Words on a page,
Maybe I am not lost,
Not yet.

Because, as I struggle
With who I should be.
Some things
Can not have changed so much.
If nothing else,
It's as clear as it can be.
Leaving a blank page,
Is not my destiny.

I doubt you’d believe me,
Why would you?
You have never believed in me.

But I did something brave
And bold
And so very ridiculous.

I made a huge life change.
I got up from the floor,
Where I have cried so many times,
And I kept getting back up.

I packed up my life
And flew across the world to start fresh.
I work hard most days
And sometimes I go out with my friends

That’s right,
I made friends!
You never thought I could.

You thought I was trapped forever
In the darkest hell you could find.
But I’m not, not even close.

But that’s not even all.
I have so many crazy things to build towards
To do, to dream, to be.

Don’t mistake me,
You weren’t completely wrong
The world is far from perfect.
I still have to fight **** hard most days.

But it did get better
It was worth it.
I did more than you ever dreamed I could.

So don’t feel bad,
We all make mistakes.
It will be your turn soon.
Lift your head.
You are worth more than you know.

With love
From your future self
***

Can I sell you a dream?
Words on paper.
Bright and clear.
Demons and dragons.
Heroes and fear.

I’ll fill it with hope,
With pain and fights.
I’ll fill it with intrigue
And the darkest of night’s.

I’ll take you to worlds
You didn’t know could exist.
I’ll keep you guessing,
End with a great twist.

You’ll tell everyone
"This is the next big thing"
It could change the world,
Oh the joy it could bring!

But it won’t.
Because I can’t make it happen.
I can’t bring myself to do it.
I don’t have the words,
The skills,
The imagination to make it real.

So instead,
Can I sell you a dream?

I don’t want to feel this way.
Lost in my own head,
A fog of pain and confusion,
A storm of heartache and void.

I believe there is more than this.
There is sunshine
And hope, my dreams,
My future
And love.

I don’t want to feel this way
Because it makes it so hard to move,
It becomes impossible to smile
To think
To breathe.

I know this is temporary
That darkness is followed by the dawn
Or a flick of the light switch
Or the flash of a torch
Hell, I’ll even take the spark of a match

Because I don’t deserve to feel this way
And I refuse to
Even if I can only fight it off for today
Or the afternoon
Or an hour
Or a minute

That moment will be mine
I am not going to let this beat me
Because I still have strength to fight.

I don’t want to feel this way.
I don’t want to have to fight to stay.
I don’t want to hurt those I love
I don’t want to lose myself.

But I don’t get to have what I want
So fight I must
And even if it's just for today,
Right now,
I choose to stay.

I am half a world away,
With a broken heart
Time travelling through the days,
Crying for the normality
That set us on this path in the first place.

In the past,
You tell me of your plans,
For the day I’ve already lived through
And I ache
To live it over again by your side..

How do I pull myself out
Of this mess I’m in?
Counting down the days
To the future when we share
The same timeline,
And even though
That horizon is the closest it’s been
It feels like a million lifetimes away.

How did we do this before?
Distance tearing me apart
Alone in the future,
Staring at white wall
That cannot be home
Until you share them with me.

I have loved you for so many years,
It’s all I really know,
The only way I can breathe,
Is focusing in the journey to bring you
Here with me.

I need to be brave now.
More so than I have ever been,
And my dear I am trying.
But it’s so hard to move forward
When I want to keep looking back
And wait for you.

But forward I’ll walk
Making the preparations I can
So when you fly through time
You reach the future worth travelling for.

In the past, right now and the future too
One constant remains true,
I have, I will, i do,
I love you.
***

You don’t get to say
You were always there
You don’t get to pretend
You saved me
You don’t get to share my story
With you as a hero
When your villainy
Set me on a dangerous path of destruction
You warped my mind
And sent me into the darkness
Ill equipped to handle
What would be waiting for me.

I don’t understand what you expected
I don’t see how you thought you’d be anything more
Than a bad guy in this.

How dare you share my growth as your personal success
When all you did was throw me to the wolves
And the  act surprised when I was almost devoured
Or maybe I’m wrong
Maybe you were surprised.
This little lamb
Wasn’t ready to be sacrificed
And bit back,
Took down the wolves,
Escaped the pen and ran free.
Maybe I wasn’t supposed to survive.

I was helped along the way
By those who stayed by my side
Who heard me cry
And held me high
As I rebuilt
And now
Now I’ve come a long way
You want to pretend it was all to help me?

This little lamb knows the truth
I’m stronger not because, but in spite of you.

Do you remember
That little girl,
Staring out the window
As the world passed her by?

Do you remember
How she’d have her head in a book
After you’d told her 3 times
It was bed time?

Do you remember
How she would hang upside down
At the top of the stairs
To watch the TV through the gap
Because she didn’t want to miss out?

Do you remember
How she’d stand in the playground crying
How she would end up scratched and bruised
How she'd be pushed away
And told she couldn’t play?

Do you remember
How she spiralled
When the world was too **** hard
And she couldn’t see
How everyone else was strong enough to keep going?

Do you remember
How she battled on anyway
How she would cry herself to sleep at night
How she would question why she was even here?

Do you remember
How she grew up
And took on more and more challenges
How she fought to stop her scars
From making things too dark?

Do you remember
When she broke completely
How her world was shattered
And she didn’t know how to feel anything
But still somehow everything hurt
And she thought she had failed you all?

Do you remember
When she started to regroup
How your support helped bring her back to life
How she found the strength to smile again?

When you see her now?
Do you remember these things?
Do you still see that distant, lost and afraid little girl?

Because even after all that growth
All that strength
I still see her
And I don’t know how she got here
But I know she didn't do it alone

So thank you x