I can spit out words in a matter of seconds
I can twist my thoughts into metaphors and anaphora and all this rhetoric they taught me,
they said it would make my argument stronger,
that it would make me a better writer
well
here I am,
am I?

I can do it all
I can make pain taste like sugar, granulate it so finely to where it melts on the tongue
I can cope my problems into understanding, make feeling alone no longer a possibility
I can even create something similar to hope with the way I form these phrases together
I can almost do it all, but
I cannot write you into my arms
I cannot place you in this bed next to me

I often wring passion into language, this pouring out becomes exhausting and
It doesn't matter how many times I rewrite this poem
Poems don't make people fall in love
People make people fall in love
I wish
I could make you fall in love but
I am not one of those who can

I've learned it doesn't matter how nice these titles are,
the stanzas, the formatting, the content is not important
Whether or not I bury my soul into the center is irrelevant when
you are currently the only thing living inside of it
Every time I pick up a pen or
a pencil or a page I hear you
My head has become a blank thesaurus, everything sounds like your arms holding
I search for inspiration and your name is all I can find
I want to say the same goes for you with mine but
that would be a lie more than
anything else

I guess that's what writing is more than anything else
deceit, fabrication, myth, romanticization
a reflection of everything we know to be false drawn into something it's not
I have been trying to scribe my way into your heart but
it's clear that I cannot let myself in without invitation
the welcome mat means nothing if it goes unread and
as much as I would like to get a call from you tonight,
it would be silly to wait up for fiction
I thought the rhetoric I've learned would help me feel better
I thought writing this might take away the aching, make me happier
well
here I am,
am I?

I will love you without trying
Eyes closed, effortlessly
I will care too much
I will act like I don't at all
I will think about you more than I do myself
I will pretend that I'm not looking for anything
I will lie about the fact that I always am
I will tell you I'm okay
I will avoid admitting that I'm not
I will ask you how you are
I will actually care about your response
I will wait to respond to your text
I will make it seem like I am busy
I will not say I've been waiting
I will pay you more attention than I've ever gotten
I will give you all of me too easily
I will ask you what you need and be that
I will treat your smile like a privilege
I will want to play your laugh on repeat
I will admire it too much
I will try harder than I should
I will love you without trying
Eyes closed, effortlessly
And I will do it well.

Like the world is flooding and I've forgotten how to swim
The concrete has become cactus shell against bare feet and all of my shoes have suddenly disappeared
Everything I chew on instantly becomes broken glass
Water swallows like acid
The drawers don't shut, even when empty
The shower wont stop dripping in rhythmic taunting, keeping me awake at night
My teeth turn to sand every time they meet
The only thing I can taste is blood
All attempts at language come out in hiccups
I am walking with fifty pound dead weights as legs
My stomach is in my mouth
My mouth is a room without a door
My tongue is the elephant in it
There are children screaming on every corner
The pavement is too slippery for steady movement
At all hours of the day my alarm clock plays in the background
Hair is forming bird nest piles on my desk
My umbrella breaks when it's raining
There are tightening hands around my swollen neck
The memory of how to breathe is fading in my head,
I can't remember how to use these lungs of mine, their function has reached its limit
When did the ground below me start shifting, and
How can I make it stop?

I could be sober with you
and I don't mean that lightly
I could stay up the entire night with you holding me, forgetting all surroundings, distractions
I'd watch the anxiety roll off my body into your hands as you set it aside gently
You always seem to know how
to mold my discomfort into feeling safe
And I know I am

I could be happy with you
And I don't often think that with others
But your body is a home I'd like to call my own
I can see a full row of sunflowers blooming on our energy only
We could grow gardens from the glow of our touching

I could be wide-awake with you
And I don't say that frequently
I would **** every ounce of life out of my body to give to you
I'd stay up till morning watching the sunrise, listening to the back alley voices outside my window
I'd sacrifice an entire night of sleep just to hear you speak

I could listen to you for hours
Your words, your voice, your melodies
You are a song on repeat I know I could never stop liking
You've taken over my mind and it's a problem I don't mind having

I'm an addict for people, for hearts, for intimacy, for touch and
You are exactly what I could thrive on
I would empty a bottle of wine for lack of necessity
I could drown in your skin,
Feed off your lips,
Your laugh,

I am full on just being here
There is no need for substance
I could easily be drunk on you
and
only you

I'd like to say I don't think of you
That you don't cross my mind until your name crosses my screen
And only then do I take the time to care

I'd like to say that I don't
That I haven't devoted any energy to wasting
That it is all too precious to give away to anything but positivity

I'd like to say I would need to think twice if you asked to see me
But I know too well that I wouldn't
I'd say yes
okay
of course
when
All without asking why

I don't know why some people come back and trust me when I say I want to
But I would without question welcome you with open arms and no hesitation
I wouldn't even pause to wonder why you left in the first place

I'd like to say that I'm happy,
That this heart is a filled balloon and there is enough oxygen for me to breathe easy
But sometimes I find myself suffocating on what I don't understand

I am scared that I could so easily let you back in the way I always swear I'll never do again
But I have and I do and I probably will
All you need to do is ask
And I'd say yes,
okay,
of course,
when?

Today I am human
Today I got two legs out of bed to face a world that is sometimes cold
Today I walked tired feet just to make sure they still do their job right
Today I ran fingers through hair and remembered there were teeth to brush, a face to wash
Today I woke to a bottle of water half full by my nightstand
Today I drank it's contents with a handful of vitamins
Today I remembered the importance that breakfast holds so I had it
Today I dressed a body that now and then can feel unfamiliar
Today I pushed the sheets back on the bed to make it almost neat
Today I fluffed a pillow to its full extent
Today I put lotion to skin that is too dry from the California sun
Today I put gas in my car
Today I fed myself without guilt
Today I filled my stomach with meals instead of anxiety
Today I breathed
Today I sighed
Today I did what most consider to be routine, but is so much more to me
All of these simplicities are proof of surviving
Doing so is not always easy
But I do
Today I lived even if I did so quietly
Today I am alive
And tomorrow I will be as well
Tomorrow I will say thank you to today
Tomorrow I will appreciate the effort of before
Tomorrow I will be too proud for too little
Tomorrow I will repeat
Tomorrow I will try again
Tomorrow I am human.

In a spur of curiosity, I read about Vincent Van Gogh
His life, death, and all that lay between
And in stumbling upon the knowledge of my sudden interest
I see that his last words were,

"This sadness will last forever."

The ache of them resonates all too well and
an overwhelming sensation of familiarity fills the cavity of my chest

I think about all the things that could of been said and
decide none of them would probably be sufficient to save him
But I still mourn the unspoken

If only I had the chance to tell him
No, it won't

If only I knew him to say
No, it doesn't

This sadness is not permanent, I promise
Yes it remains,
Yes it is still there always, living comfortably in the shadows of our figures
But you learn to see past it
I wish I could tell him that permanence does not exist
That it is an idea man-made
And we are simply living for today

It's funny, how someone who created so much beauty could not find any in himself
In painting a future, ending seemed more promising than hope
So in that wheat field his chest kissed the bullet of a relvover
And he walked patiently towards death

Van Gogh,
Didn't anybody tell you it gets better?
Didn't anyone say that even if it doesn't, you can?

Van Gogh,
Don't you know that nothing lasts forever?
That we are merely existing to make it to tomorrow?

Vincent,
I know this world can be cruel
I know that eventually flowers turn to dust and the sky turns black at dusk but even you could see stars in darkness
You made an entire galaxy out of the night and we are still finding ways to admire its beauty

Vincent,
I know the sun can be harsh some days
I know the air can be too cold for motivation on others
I know sometimes getting out of bed can be a battle with yourself, seeming impossible
I know how it feels to be heavy with the weight of too much
And I am sorry that you couldn't bare it all

But this sadness wasn't made to last forever
Flowers will regrow and bloom again even brighter than before
The moon still shines against a dim canvas
Winter is only temporary and the gloom will pass when the seasons change
Before you know it spring will be here

I wish you could have stayed to see it come,
It is the only certainty in this eternity.