Im sitting here, awake, at 2:30 in the morning. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm not happy with who I am. I don't know how to change who I am. Many say you first have to learn to love yourself before you can be truly happy. How? How do you do that? Through the countless articles and videos I've seen, most have a common theme that they follow. Acceptance, peace, zen. These are some of the common ones. But the one that I don't know how I would ever accomplish is letting go. I've never been good with letting go. I hold on to as much as I possibly can. How does one go about letting go? What does that even mean? I know it doesn't mean forgetting. So what does it mean? Its the exact same thing as forgiveness. What does is mean to forgive? What does it mean to love myself and be in peace? Does it mean changing my focus from myself and my own selfish thoughts and worldly desires and begin to see the beauty that lies within the flame of the candle in front of me? The way its pinkish glow that illuminates this otherwise dark room and the mesmerizing aroma that is meant to give you if but a moment of peace. The way the flame dances with the slightest of breeze. And even though it will eventually burn out it fights against all trying to end it. Is this what they mean? To fight back? To not burn too brightly because then you end up self destructing in the most violent of ways, but also making sure not to let yourself get too small because then you might never be able to rise again. But sadly, there doesnt seem to be a constant pace one can follow. It's a constant struggle to just keep your flame going. One wrong move and thats it. Youre done. Why? It seems to pointless, all this worrying and thinking and lack of reacting. It's just all so meaningless. What am I even worrying about? Why do I feel so stressed? I cant even answer these simple questions. And not being able to answer them stresses me out more and fuels my fears. I dont know how long Ill be able to keep fighting or if I already gave up without realizing it. That is really ******* sad.

If you could read my mind, you'd be in tears
You'd see all my flaws and all my fears.
The deeper you go
The darker it gets
You'd see how twisted my mind really gets and all of the coffins
that I had once layed to rest
You'd know my suffering
and all of my regrets.
You would know the truth and how deep my mind gets.

(a.d)

I know how sudden it seemed,
When I just vanished.

It's not because I was mad.
It's not because you're anything less than perfect.

It's because I'm in love with you.

And it kills me just a little every day.

Being the naïve human I am,
For quite some time,
I thought you actually cared.
About me. About us.

But it's all clear now.

You never cared.

I was always your back-up friend,
Always the one you went to when no one else was available.

And I was too blind to see.

But now I'm cured.

So with that,
I vanish.

Goodbye.
See you someday, in the future.

Maybe.

I am not writing to you about  how my love for you burns deep like a river
Or how I lay awake at night unable to shake the dream of us staring at the stars
Whispering our untold love expressed as wishes
And taking form of the dizzy lights in our eyes
Pushing
Pushing
Pushing
Till the words
"I love you" finally slip out
I am not writing to you about how I can only see you with hearts surrounding your ever glorified presence
And I couldn't be writing about The way my knees start shaking
My heart starts racing
And my hands can't be still when I'm around you
Unless
Maybe you feel this way too?

She was so generous
that she left me with innumerable sorrows.

I was so selfish
that I couldn't give her anything but Love.



El egoísmo    

Ella era tan generosa
Que me dejó con incontables penas.  

Yo era tan egoísta  
Que no le pude dar nada excepto amor.