Why am I bitter?
All the silence trapped in my brain
“I’m not in the mood”
Somehow, I always seem not to be
Why did you leave?
With the walls I painted teal for you
The I love you’s were never heard
And the joy, was never to be felt
Did it ever mean something to you?
Or was it just a dream, hallucinations
A vivid memory

Being held by you
Trapped in your arms
As warm as a blanket
Was all I ever longed for
Like a memories of me as a child
Of never belonging to a playground
Never scraping my knee
But always, my heart

The distance between us
It’s always haunting me
Chasing me down
Pinning my fingers to the map
To the line of oceans
Deserts
Continents
The walls I have painted for you
Are now, pebble grey
Without you
Every shade of grey is conquering
Everything around me turned to grey
Even the books, even the sky.

One day I will be gone
And all that will be left of me
Is the pain my name will cause when you hear it
Like a venom burning down your throat

And people will write pointless letters of R.I.P
On pages of worthless connections
That will soon fade as the "new thing" comes out

They won't even bother to write "Rest In Peace" but they will
Bother to write how they wished they have known me better
They wished they wouldn't have hurt me or betrayed me

You will cry
For days
For weeks maybe
But then it will pass, just like everything does
Like everyone did, you will forget

You will start to forget the echo in my voice  
When I tell a sad story of how my heart has been
Broken for so many times

You will forget, the way you made me happy
The sound of breathless laughter
That will soon make you cry

You will forget, the scars that made me the way I am
The beautiful damage in my body, in my thoughts

And more of crying
Because that's all that's left to do
When I'm no longer here to try and make me feel
Like I'm not a worthless piece of atoms that combined
To create a body that I despise a little too much

You will cry, and you will miss me
But then you will forget
Because that's what humans do, they forget

It’s okay to forget
I don't mind.

Because when you hear my name
There will still be venom piercing through your brain
As you wish the words that left unsaid
Were buried with me.

Choking on all the friends that are gone
And all the stories that are lost
Along with bits of my sanity
Tripping on the lines I have crossed

Choking on all the times that you said you will call
But I was left waiting for you in the cold
With tears like waterfalls
And a story left untold

Choking on all the hopes and wishes that were not lost
But taken away from my own hands
And I, like a child held on so tight
Until it slipped right off of me like sand

Choking on all the promises I couldn’t keep
On all the pills I still taste on my tongue
All the razor blades that cut skin deep
And the times from myself, I couldn't run

Choking on all the dreams that were shattered away like broken glass
And surrounded me like nightmares I could never escape from
Capturing me like hurricanes or a spell, a witch would cast
Or the times, I could not face the sun

Choking on all the times I tried to take it away
Only to end up with a tube down my throat
As I struggled to whisper the words “I’m okay”
Hoping they will not find the note that I wrote

Choking on all the goodbyes that were not said
All the wounds that are not meant to heal
And all the mornings I woke up
Wishing I wasn't here.