My head feels heavy
It sways side to side
This relationship isn't healthy
It feels like a rising tide

You left me so broken
I felt so empty inside
You played a game and I was a token
This was a crazy ride

Now I sit here and ponder
As I'm drunk on the bathroom floor
What would happen if I wander?
Would you slam the door?

I decided to text you
And apologize for my wrongs
I didn't know what else to do
I've missed you for too long

I finally get closure
I delete you from my life
And I finally gain composure
You cannot longer cause me strife
                                            
Thank you for the lessons you taught me
I know now what I don't want
I'm now content as can be
I don't mean to flaunt

This was the way
You wanted to go
You didn't want to stay
Now I can finally grow  

So thank you for all of your teachings
What we had was once nice
I will now be preaching
And taking a chance by rolling the dice.

– Closure // F.C.

My love was not completely fulfilled
My confidence is just a mask,
I try to speak; no words come out.
I deny emotions and the pain they bring.
I protect myself, no matter the cost.
I smile hoping that it will stop.
My Wonderland is inside my head
But, darling this is not Wonderland,
And I am not Alice.
I’m a grenade. I will explode.
I long for the day to say:
“I too was once a tragedy.”

– Protecting Myself from Emotions // F.C.

You never gave me any closure
You left before I could even say goodbye
All my tears were wasted on the thought of you,
The thought that I wasn’t good enough.

Atelophobia, they call it; the fear of imperfection
Or thinking you aren’t good enough.
Making it harder for you to have relationships.
You made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for you.

I thought it was my fault you left
But in reality you left, because
You weren’t willing to put in the effort to stay.
Leaving the burden to fall onto me.

I wanted you to stay
I wanted you to love me
But you had other plans in mind
Leaving was easier for you.

I fell in your trap
Believing that you loved me
But it was all a lie
Making me think it was all my fault…

You said you didn’t want to hurt me,
But you still continued to walk out the door
It took me months to finally see,
That you were not the one meant for me.

The sharp, bitter taste of alcohol burns my throat,
But it numbs the pain for a short while.
It helps me forget
But you’re the one thing that stays on my mind.

They call it liquid courage
Because it give you an excuse
To do and say all the things you couldn’t while sober

I constantly think of texting you,
What I would say, what I would do.
I thought about what I would reply if you were to text me first
But it never happened, so I lay here with a constant thirst.

I needed a reason to justify sending you the texts
That I am sure I will regret in the morning
But it still doesn’t stop me now
So I take another drink.

As I sit here hazed
And waiting for a reply, that I’m not sure will come
I think “why wasn’t I good enough”
“What more could I have done?”

– Liquid Courage // F.C.

Late night drives with the window rolled down,
Wind hitting my face at 80mph making my hair blow wildly, giving me a fierce lion’s mane.
As I drive unknowingly to a predetermined destination
It reminds me of the future I would never have with you.
Because you and I darling, we were on the road to nowhere.

– Late Night Drives // F.C.

We sit to eat dinner like a normal family,
But oh are you mistaken.
Our family is many things,
But normal is not one of them.

We can paint a pretty picture
But people don’t see clearly from the outside,
We are all holding knives to each other’s backs
If only you looked at thing from a different angle.

Father asked how my day was,
I told him I had a great time horseback riding,
Mother continued to stare incessantly at her plate
We all noticed but didn’t say anything.

I continued to speak of the fun I’ve had,
Mother mumbled under her breath
Sister piped in to ease the tension
Father got up to put his dish away.

Father made a coffee and a tea for Mother
Mother continued to sit at the table silently
I slowly picked at the food on my plate
Her pursed lips gave away her discontent.

Father went to the garage
Sister and held a conversation with me
While Mother was silently stewing about something
She opened her mouth to speak
I got ready for the worse.

Mother looked at my outfit and said
“Is that really what you wore today?”
It was a shirt and jeans; nothing wrong with it.
“Yes, why?” was all I replied

She sat on her thought for a moment continuing.
“Because you can see your cuts”
I sighed “ok, and? What’s your point?”
She huffed “they are nasty to look at”

“Then don’t look at them”
It was quite a simple solution
“You should cover them”
“If you don’t like them stop looking”

Mother got angry and stood up with a huff
“Why would you do such a stupid thing?!”
I bit my tongue
“It didn’t feel stupid at the time”

Mother continued to scream and cuss
I did my best to hold back the tears
Sister told Mother to stop
But Mother continued anyways

“You are so stupid, it doesn’t make sense”
A tear slowly escaped
“Cutting is dumb and you’re dumb for doing it”
I stayed silent
“I don’t understand why you would cut”
“Are you doing it to fit in?”
“Are you part of a cutting pact with your little friends?”
“Who told you to do this?”
“I thought you were stronger than that”
Tears flowed freely
“Well I guess you were wrong!” I shouted

Father burst in from the garage
He yelled at her to stop.
He made mother get away from me
Sister tried to comfort me.

I stood up and the chair flew behind me
My dinner plate was now scattered
I ran to my room crying.
Just once I wished we could have a normal family dinner.

– Not Your Average Family Dinner // F.C.