To write about
the subject of
love
is a difficult thing to do.
So many metaphors
have already been used,
yet we somehow find ways
to pull more out of the sky.
Songs about love songs,
and poems about love poems
increase the level of difficulty.
How can anyone
truly describe
the swell of the heart
the embrace of comfort
the thrill of companionship?


They can’t.

Everything hurts, but
I have no bruises,
no leaking wounds.
The torment
lies
inside,
a persistent infection.
It grew bored
of letting me hide,
and the tide has dragged me
so
far
down.
I almost feel like
this time,
I might really drown.

The tormented heart
has many connections
And when the heart dies,
pieces of connection die with it,
And no one is safe
from the repercussions.

I don’t know how
And I don’t know why
But what I do know
Makes me want to cry
It’s confusing, it’s frustrating,
It doesn’t make any sense
But it’s so right, so perfect;
Puzzle pieces fit together so nicely
I cannot deny this, the truest connection
The binding of souls
But why, someone tell me why
Why does it has to be so complicated?
Why must we be torn apart,
Clinging to fragile scraps of
“Hope to see you again,”
It’s frustrating,
But it makes sense
A true test of love, distance
Will prove that this is true
And smash it to the ground
And shatter a fantasy
In my heart, I feel it, I know:
This is not a fantasy, no
This will withstand even the greatest of distances
I know, I know.

I know I need to tell you
what’s really on my mind
I know I need to tell you that something’s wrong
But all my life I’ve survived on lies
Never being honest, always shielding my eyes
And no one has ever known
How I really feel
No one has ever seen
the scars under the smile
And it’s hard to open up now,
hard to embrace total honesty
I cannot speak my mind aloud
Why do you think I write so much?
My truth is in my poetry,
emotions laid out for you to see
Because I don’t know how to remove my mask
and set my feelings free
So if I tell you I’m okay,
double-check my claims
Take a peek at my poetry,
the answer there might not be the same
as I what I say aloud, barely meeting your eyes
Always keep in mind that one of my best skills is lies
I don’t want to lie to you, I want to have your trust
But how can anyone trust me
when I barely trust myself?
So don’t trust my vocals,
only trust the poet’s word
Because my truth is in my poetry
and that’s where my real thoughts lie.

Oh, the witches, they cackle;
Oh, the witches, they fly!
Soaring through the starry night sky
With their long cloaks flapping
And their black cats yowling
The witches are a-fly tonight.

Something is stirring
at the edge of my mind -
my fingers, twitching.
I wait for the blurry thought
to come into focus,
to enlighten me with this new
burst
of creativity.

It still sits,
out of focus,
out of reach,
unwilling to give itself to me
so easily.

I pace back and forth
and nibble my nail,
poking and prodding
at the thought,
persistent.

Still it refuses,

Then my mind goes blank.

Crash
Over me
This wave of emotions
Comes to crash
Over me
Comes to drown me in tears and screams
And the fear of insanity
All around me the people, they scurry
All around me, they move around me
They might as well go right through me
I’m not here, don’t you know?
I don’t exist, don’t you know?
Am I real? I’m not sure
It’s confusing to think about
Why I am and what I’ll be
Whowhatwhenwherewhyhow
It all spins around so I can’t sleep
When I do sleep, the conflicts chase me
I see in technicolor
A kiss from my love
And a love letter from a gay
Gay boys don’t write love letters to straight girls
A confusion, sparkling prom dress
Left in shreds behind my closet door
What’s happened? I don’t know why
My silver shoes are turned red
Why are my nails crusted with red?
Wake up, sleep again
Wake up again, now sleep
Alarm bleeps, but I’m not awake
**** it all, I’m not awake
Fix a smile to my face
Tell the world I’m okay
Then yearn for the end of a long day
Inhale the breath of my love
He distracts me from
The tidal wave looming over my head
The faces under the water titter
As I kiss him hard, he kisses harder,
Heart rates speed up in sync
And around us, the noises try to send me
Scurrying under a desk, into a corner
Quick, hide under your jacket!
And when I look into his eyes,
Those warm brown eyes,
I see his fear and it scares me
It’s good to know someone cares,
But I hate to cause him pain
The look in his eyes as
he gently pulls me out from under the desk:
Concern, fear, a swirl of stress and anxiety
I don’t want to be the cause of someone else’s anxiety
Yes, it’s nice to be loved
But it hurts to know that my emotions cause them pain
These emotions which I cannot control,
These impulses to eat and eat
To bang my fist, then my head, against the wall
Standing in the shower,
Burning hot water,
I look up into the spray
I see myself with lungs full of water
Gasp, pull away, squeeze my eyes shut
Open them again, there’s the silver cord
The link between the main showerhead and the detachable one
The loops glitters
See it hanging around my neck
God, oh, god, why do I see this?
I do not wish for death, I fear it
So why do these visions come to me?

There’s a name for this, all of this
This insanity which is mine
The first word is borderline.
*(Borderline Personality Disorder)

This is me
This is who I am
I am Sky
A music-obsessed
totally insane
Linkin Park fan
with a monster screaming in her brain.
Maybe I'll actually live to be an adult
Or maybe I'll off myself tomorrow
Maybe I'll live a long life with my soul mate
Or maybe I'll die young and leave him stumbling in my wake

I feel like eveyone is watching me
When there's no reason for them to even notice that I'm there
I am always afraid
And always prepared
I am on the edge of a cliff
Maybe someone's noticed
But I don't think anyone really cares

I wield a sword built from words
But I fear that it will shatter
And punture my heart to leave me bleeding

I am not noticeable,
but people have noticed me
I am not heard,
but people have listened to me.

A lot of people look down on me,
But I act like I don't care
When, really, I hate it.

I am not a waste of space
I have a reason, a worth, a purpose
I will keep stretching to reach my dreams
Even when people pull me down

I am emo(tional).
I am depressed.

This is me.
This is me

Look inside me
See nothing? Look deeper
Hding under my beating heart,
Just behind the shimmering silver skin of my soul
A foul entity sits on a pile of dirt
One eye half gone, the other not quite whole
His skin a foul purple, reeking of lost things
This cursed creature sits and twiddles his thumbs
He watches through my eyes as I smile and I cry
And just when I think that he has crumbled away,
He suddenly climbs up my spine
And clambers into my head to play
He plays with shadows, he plays with light
He dissolves the clarity of wrong and right
He toys with puppets, all connected to my limbs
And as he plays he whispers
“No pain, no gain, precious heart,
You must break before joy you meet
This game I play is a practiced art
A game that you cannot hope to beat.”
And he giggles, and he shows me
All these ways that I could die
I could jump and try to fly
I could wear a necklace of rope
I could choke on broken hope
The silver shimmers in my hand
Promising a much better land
But in the reflection I see a new face
And my heart begins to race
For the face is not mine, but instead
my soul mate, who would shatter if I were dead
This tricky beast living under my throat,
He can dance and he can gloat
But no matter how many needles
he buries under my pale, scarred skin
I will always find my love again.

*And this is what will save me.

Take me back
to the fair,
To the magic and joy
Take me back
To pink swirls of candy cotton
And fresh-squeezed lemonade
Take me back
To giant teddy bears
And dusty neon balloons
Take me back
To the top of the Ferris wheel
And the top of the world
Take me back
To carefree happiness,
This old surreal world.

yep, the world is cruel
but today i don't care
i'm wearing my smile
i've pulled up my hair
out of my face.
yeah, there's still some fear
squirming in my chest
but i will wear this smile
because this smile is who i am
yeah, i just had my heart trampled
by a ******* with no heart of his own
but this smile will still stay
because i am my smile

yep, everyone wants to bring me down
turn this grin into a frown
but even if they stitch it down
this smile will not turn into a frown

I spend this sun-day
hiding from the sun
under a comforter
the color of today’s sky
and zebra stripes.
I do not participate.
This morning,
I participated,
as my parents scurried about the grocery store
without me.
I called my father’s mother
and I called my mother’s mother.
I called my soul mate
and remembered
last night, prom night, perfect night.
Then I wasn’t at home alone anymore
and I didn’t want to participate anymore
and I let myself sink into the emptiness.
I deny any and all emotions and accusitions of life.
I am not of this world, in this world,
known to the world or by the world,
I am dust hiding under the bed.
I read a book that is nothing but truth and pain
and listen to music that is pure dark emotion.
I twist my mind into wicked shapes,
and embrace the emptiness that is slowly taking over my soul.
I don’t want to feel,
I don’t want to heal,
I don’t want to be me or anything.
All I think is no longer real.
I can embrace this sickness,
this dark disease of the mind.
I am sick, what is my cure?
I don’t know or care or want it.
Let me bleed, and let me sleep,
but don’t let me die,
even in this state of mind
I would rather just cry.
This is a place where love does not exist,
so I’m sorry, soul mate,
but right now you are gone.
This is a place where voices do not penetrate,
so I’m sorry, Mom and Dad,
but right now I cannot hear you.
This is a place where I keep my phone on silent,
So I’m sorry, cousin dear,
I cannot read your admiration.
This is a place made of nothing.
This is a place where my tears are my water
and my blood is my wine,
I never believed in religion
and I swear I never will.
I am my own savior
and I am failing at my job.
This is a place where I cannot be saved
except by my self, by myself, by mys elf.
This is a place to drown in a hot water bathtub,
blood dripping down my wrists,
but don’t let me die,
I don’t want to die,
I just want to sleep.
I just want to bleed a little bit,
I don’t want to watch my life run down my fingers
and slide down the drain,
irretrievable.
This is a place where
everyone who loves me should stay away
because they will get hurt
and I don’t want to hurt them
because I love them too,
but in this place
I love no one
and no one loves me,
so leave me all alone.
This is a place that I don’t tell my love about,
I don’t tell my sister about,
I don’t tell Mom and don’t tell Dad,
don’t tell the grandma with the cats
or the grandma at the lake,
don’t even tell the great grandma who is an older version of me.
This is a place
that makes doctors frown
and boyfriends cry,
that makes my sister slap me upside the head
and tell me to stop listening to depressing music.
This is a place where
I cut so I can feel something,
a place where I just want to see
the sparkling crimson against the paper-pale of my skin.
This is the place where I trace my veins
with my eyes
and have unwelcome visions of opening them.
This is the place where
I see my fears lined up
like a suicide’s pill bottles on the bathroom counter,
ready to jump down my throat
and stop my heart.
This is the place where I feel nothing,
I am a blank sheet of looseleaf
about to be torn into shreds
and scattered along the wet grass
for the birds to use in their nests
and the spiders to hide under.
This is the place where I think I might finally cry,
but somehow my face still stays dry,
and I wonder why I never cry,
I only bleed,
never cry,
never die.
This is a place where
I start to wonder if anyone would notice
if I just stayed here forever,
if they would see the emptiness in my eyes
(oh, my love, would you see the emptiness in my eyes?)
This is a place
I almost wish I could stay in,
because here I cannot feel the pain of emotions,
here nothing matters,
here words cannot penetrate,
here I am a tough scar and not an open wound,
here I am nonexistent
no one cares.

This is a place that I know I should leave
but I dont want to leave
I cannot leave now
I’m just too tired to leave now.

So let me sleep,
and in the morning I’ll be okay,
I’ll leave this place,
and no one will know that I ever left them
so I could sit in the empty darkness
with just my demons for company.

Let me dance with the darkness,
and let me sleep my way back to life.

Sitting here in Spanish
Not caring about estar
I don't want to be here
for two and a half
hours
I want to take a nap
But la maestra will wake me up
So
I
write
instead
And  as I write
I think about poetry
and
music
And I wish I had my iPod
So I could play some
Linkin Park
Lady Gaga
Paramore
owl City
and others
But at least I have
a notebook
So I can put my thoughts
onto
paper

every light thing has a shadow
every shadow has a light source
love = fear
And my heart is about to implode
Teenagers are ticking
Which one is about to explode?
I fear for the life of him
Even with all his escape plans, he could still be
LOST
and with him I will fall into the living death.
Threats are stupidly unpredictable
A scrawled message on the girls' bathroom wall
It can't be real, can't be real
You never know, here and now
And I fear that the purple and green pride
Will join the ranks
BREAKING NEWS
and
*too many cameras, not enough survivors
If I prayed, I would spend the day on my knees
But without faith, all I can do I wait.
Wait for the message:
"I'm home,"
or
"It's starting."

"He's gone."
"A hero, of course."
"I'm sorry."

All I can do is wait,
and hope and plead that he'll be okay.

ticking time bomb teens
**** us all
*i wish we didn't have to be so afraid.

We could be a time bomb,
but I think I would explode sooner on my own.

I can feel the sadness sitting in my chest, lapping against my ribcage like an agitated ocean. The tide is rising. I’ll have to fight to survive today. I wish the ocean would just stay calm, that warm waters could be all that flow through my veins. Instead, I feel like a broken faucet - spouting hot water one moment and cold water the next.

When she suddenly finds herself
shell-shocked,
With fragments of exploded lies staining her face,
all she can think about
is how much tighter she must hold on
to him
Even as the universe tries to pull her away.

Whispers of the childhood past cling to his feet
and a piece of the present is the color of his fur
I am reminded of the future by the name we chose
Teddy Bear Chester, soft feet and chocolate fur.

The clock ticks down
and their time grows short;
he is desperate to hold her
until the very last millisecond.

Tell me how - no, tell me why
The passage of time proceeds to fly
past my face so I can barely taste it
Taste the smoke of the harsh rubber against
burning asphalt
Each day flies by,
well, it's no wonder I'm stuck in the past
I can't keep up with
the growing speed of time
as it flies by
Infinity flying by
I can't move forward, I'm stuck here, slow
As the world races forward,
I still sit here, times forgotten,
The world forgets who I am.

So close,
you are
so close.
I just want to speed up time
until I'm in your arms
Then stop the clock
to keep us in that moment
forever.

To dream of you -
To hear your voice
And feel your lips
And see the smile I love so much -
Oh, I love these dreams of you
And when I wake up
And remember that I lie here alone,
It just about breaks my heart;
I curse the universe for plaguing me with time unspent.

To the one who sits in the dark,
takes a breath,
and prepares to run to Death:
Pause. Remember. See.
There is always someone outside,
in the light,
waiting to see your face again.
They will miss you if you run.

To the one who sits in the fluorescent light,
breathing to a soundtrack of steady beeps and blips:
Your clock is ticking faster, it's true,
but there is still a fight in you;
there is a fire fed by love.
You are not alone.

To the one who hides in bright sunshine,
who owns a blanket drenched in midnight sorrows:
Your heart was broken but you are still strong
You still love, and you breathe
And a mask can become a real face
if you let it.
Time does heal.

To those who are hurting, broken, lost, alone:
You can find relief
You can be fixed
You can find, or be found
You can meet anyone
and you can survive.
I believe in you.

I want to bottle up your voice,
Wrap a red ribbon around the clear glass,
And tuck the bottle
Into a little hollow in my heart.

It's so frustrating
how all it takes
is three words
to make me want to cry
and pull a gray sheet over my blue sky;
"She killed herself."

I think I’m lost,
I’ve gone too far

I pushed myself
so far below
I can’t see the stars

Only him,
I stare straight at him,
And that’s not
the right thing to do.

I need to swim up
on my own,
I need to save
my only home

We cannot drag
each other down,
and we can’t let
the other drown

I have to find
the strength somewhere
so I can make
the right repairs.

Let me fall into the deep
brown of your eyes
and keep falling
because I know you’ll always catch me
just before the end.

Uncertain of how I feel, of
Never-ending questions, of
Curious prompts and
Ecstatic noises
Rainfall outside my window
Tiptap tiptap
Anonymous,
I am anonymous
No more

Uncertain of how I feel, of
Never-ending questions, of
Curious prompts and
Ecstatic noises
Rainfall outside my window
Tiptap tiptap
Anonymous,
I am anonymous
No more

Was last night real,
an exchange of fondness?
Or was my imagination
up to no good?
Did my heart really swell
right out of my chest?
Or did I go to sleep
with tears again?
Did you really say those three words,
over and over and over again?
Or am I finally crazy enough
to see false things?

Why can't I trust my own memory?

Well, you see,
there is a place underground
that is full of screams and tears
and that place is underground
and it’s underneath your skin
and the screams fill your ears
and the tears invade your eyes
and you cry and cry and you don’t know why
you cry
There are monsters in your bloodstream
that just don’t go away
and they spit poison from their mouths
whenever you think you feel okay
they make everything hurt again
they change your words so that you say
“Today, today, I want to die today,”
They create an impulse, send a message to your brain
and your brain sends the message to your arms and to your hands
and your hands pick up the knife
and your eyes can already see
the silver stained with blood
And the metal touches your skin
and it’s cold, icy cold
and the chill runs across your skin
and the chill dances over your vertebrae
and wakes up your brain
and you open your eyes and you scream
and the knife clatters to the floor
“What did I almost do? Oh, God, I almost died.”
and you fall to your knees and cry
and the monsters they titter and giggle and laugh
so close, so close, you came
so close
There are ghost beneath your eyelids
they lie to you, they blind you
they make you see things not real
they place flashes in your path
and demons in the shadows
and you are paranoid,
so afraid
and you never know what’s real
and the ghosts whisper and laugh
and drive you quite mad
and you wish that you had the cold knife back
But there is a way, a way, a way
there is a way
to make them go away
Someone appears inside your world
and you look in their eyes
and the ghosts all fade away
and gray is gone
and the color returns
and harsh reality is misted over by delirium
and a kiss on the lips brings up a stir of desire
like a whole new monster invading your bloodstream
making you hungry, so hungry, hungrier for more
and the warmth of love is a safety blanket
and nothing can hurt you ever again
unless cruel universe with wicked claws
snatches love away,
then all light is gone
But now, right now, everything is safe, dear
Everything is bright, dear
Everything is right, dear
So pretty please, don’t fret.

Watch me drown
Slipping through the icy gray water,
Drifting down
I blow ethereal bubble out from between my lips
They shimmer in the moon’s shaky light
Shine bright like stars about to nova
Explode*
I tremble in this underwater surreality
Colors fade from my eyes
I can feel my fingertips turning blue
I can feel my lips losing their pink
I can feel the numb,
Creeping through my skin and
Burrowing into my bones
Reflex, inhale
Breathe in the water
Lungs full of water
I sink
My body shivers, shakes with the tremors
The terror of the death throes
I can see the shadow things
The ones who pushed me off the edge
They locked my arms behind me
and sent me spinning off the edge
To land in the moonlit water
With just a simple splash
They laugh as I sink, and pucker their lips
I feel them pressing against me,
Inhaling my soul
The icy numb surrounds my heart,
And then I am no more.

I'm so tired
of this feeling -
this
emptiness
that plagues my soul.
It seems that it is
impossible for me
to be
satisfied.
There's a hole in me
and nothing can fill it,
but I try to shove
drugged smoke
and uncertain emotions
deeper
and
deeper
into myself
to feel just a little bit better
for just a few minutes.

I swear I can see the universe in your eyes.

I tell you a lot;
I tell you with my poems
I tell you my sorrow;
I tell you my love
I tell you demons in my head;
I tell you daydreams in my bed
I tell you what cannot be said aloud;
I tell what no one seems to have found
I tell you a lot with these swirls of ink;
I tell you now, to read closely and discover how I think.

Silently thinking about
all things not English
while my classmates discuss
King Lear
I'm just not focused
on insanity and poisonings
and hubris and honor and fate
I'd much rather spill my thoughts
onto this blank white box
Silent musings of all things not English
while my classmates discuss King Lear.

I’ve got black widows
in my head,
hiding in fallen trees
and dead leaves.

Mistakes turn me into
a bumbling idiot who can
barely tie her own ******* shoes
alone.

Last night
I dreamed I was high,
Once again able to touch the sky.
I woke up
with my body aching
and my mind spinning,
and reality was all too real.

Desite the recent peace I’ve felt,
I can’t help but notice
a shade looming over my shoulder,

Waiting.

In your eyes
lies safe haven,
real promises,
and genuine affection.

I can't even find words for this.

It's not right.

I don't know how to


I just have to breathe.
Crying makes that hard, though.

There's too many thoughts.
Questions.
Regrets.

I tell myself,
don't regret.
Nothing will change.

But the thoughts won't go.

Keep breathing.

Keep
breathing.

Oh, yes,
I'm fine,
just a little lonely
with a side of mildly suicidal.

But don't worry,
I'll still be breathing
in the morning.

Pictures dance in my head
but my pen refuses to bring them to life
So I spill the words instead.

The threads between us
multiply
and strengthen our connection
with every word.