Dating with anxiety
Is always over thinking.
The messages never replied to lead to the thoughts swirling through your head.
Every detail gets scrutinized.
Every moment replayed over and over until you can't think.
The little things that no one looks at become huge and the reason anything went wrong.
You try to be normal and not let it show because if they really know they will run away.
Being crazy isn't easy. The normal ones don't understand.
They don't get what your brain demands.
The need to be reassured and affirmed, to know that they haven't changed their minds.
But how do you say it? How do you let them into your hell? How would somone stick around after they understand the interworkings of the cells that create the mass that is you.
You spend the nights laying awake thinking. Wanting to just let it all spill out like a glass of milk knocked off the table but instead you walk on egg shells and pretend you're not internally freaking out. That you haven't spent all day looking at a message then closing the phone. Only to open it again and begin to reply ....but wait if you reply now you're clingy. But how do you gracefully walk the line between crazy and cute?

The answer.
You don't. You just silently go insane and internalise it all for the sake of saving face. To appear like the person they want. Because if you can be that then everything will be fine.

But what happens when the glass pane shatters when the mirror image you projected crumbles? What happens when the monster you've been shutting down for weeks on end to seem normal starts to seep through the cracks? What then? Will he still be there? Will he be able to handle it?

You go on a date and the conversation leads to "oh I have anxiety" he looks at you and just kinda shruggs. You glaze over the subject and move on. Like I had just said god bless you after a sneeze no second thoughts. No further questions. The cat is out of the bag but does he realize that by cat I mean lion? Huge, ferocious, dominant, lurking in the background ready to strike? No. Because I am a good pretender. I am good at making the facade up to par. What you don't see is the circus dancing around the erupting volcano inside. Every cell vibrating trying not to implode.

They don't see the girl who can't breathe because she is so far down the black hole that swallows her whole lost in the inner workings of her mind. Screaming to be seen and accepted. Begging to be allowed out. Needing to show herself.

But no. That's not allowed. Once it's out there it can't be put away. You cant just say haha just kidding. Because the damage is done. You've either found one who will take the shattered girl or everything you've thought would happen does and you're alone again.

Never saying the right words.
Never being the one heard.
I lay awake buzzing. My body bounces on the bed. I bang my head.
Slowly I start to stick in a slippery ***** of my mind. Falling so fast farther into time.
Swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe
Slowly fading out as the continual motion of your phone screen moving back and forth makes your eyes glaze over and you take another step deeper into your head.
Am I manic
Am I sad
Am I normal
Why do I get like this
Tears slide down my face as I read a conversation in a way that makes me feel the pain.
My breathing picks up and suddenly I can't get enough
Gasping flailing and needing someone to anchor you down.
But
There is no one around.

Because In your spiral into the dark you hurt their hearts, and now they don't want to be around you.
You are too much to handle you say too many things that shouldn't be said.
But it's only to get them out of my head.
Maybe then I can get out of bed
Where I've been for endless hours doing nothing
Listening to my thought if they are there.
Today I'm just a sad blank stare.

The dark nights are the hard ones.
The waves swallowing you whole.
Lost in the throes of the currents.
Being swept deeper into the undertow.
The darkness getting darker the farther down you go.
Suddenly you're in the midnight zone.
No more glimmers of hope.

Choices
Decisions
All need to be made
Constant necesity always having to choose.

Overwhelming
Too many
Make them stop.

Who will I be?
How will I act?
What will I do?
What do I wear?
How do people see me?

On and on and on and on they go.
Every day we choose to get up.
We choose to be productive.
We choose how we act.

Every thing you do is a choice.
There is no free floating.
We must conform to the choice driven society.
Standardized test
Standardized life.

Pick the correct bubble or be left behind.

I miss the smell.
Pungent yet refreshing.
The smell of hard work and a long day mixed with a hint of cologne.
Delicately blending together into an enticing aroma that swallowed me whole.

I miss the touch.
Firm yet soft, loving.
The way it could make my senses dance. Gliding a hand over the curves of my landscape.
Waves of contentment washing over like a light rain, the prickles of goosebumps dancing over my skin.
His firm grasp like an anchor that Moore's a ship keeping it from drifting away. Tethering me to reality keeping me sane.

I miss the quiet.
3am wrapped up safe and secure in the arms of the one who cared. Listening to his soft breaths even and slow. Feeling them dance on the back of my neck. The warmth enveloping me like that of the hot cocoa you sip on after a long winter's day. Bringing the chill out of my soul.

I miss the loud.
Blasting music as we are propelled down the highway on a journey to nowhere.
The world flying by blurring into nothingness, but the world didn't mater because it was right there holding my knee and smiling

Wounds heal,
But the scar remains.
There is this mark that will remain reminding you of what happened.
The skin broke.
The blood flowed along with the tears.
The pain was felt.
Then it healed.
But there is still a mark showing what happened.
There is a small reminder of the pain
Inflicted.
The surface level scars
Physical pain is easy to cure.
No one talks about the emotional scars
The ones over your heart and your brain.
Invisible.
People dont know they are there.
Until that is they reach in and start to examine who you truly are.

Will you build me an off switch so I can?

 So I can surrender to the dark blissful peace that is sleep.
So I can take the bad things and make them stop.
Because its all too much.
Because even tho its admarable to be the one who thinks the way I do.
Its not a two way street. The people I give myself for dont reciprocate.
I run myself into the ground and still nothing gets better and I dont even get a thank you.
But I do it Anyways knowing full well that
my brain wanders into the bad part of the woods when I'm exhausted.
But I do it anyways.
So here I lay lost in my thoughts with no escape.

Vast, grand, expance.
Open, ever changing, mystifying.
Crystally, foamy, blue.
Salty and fresh calming your breath.
Sandy shores outline you like a map
Topiagraphy jaggade and rough in a smooth clean natural way.
You sing us your song as the tides move in and out sweeping at the surface.
You draw us in by the breathtaking colors and movements that are emitted.
Laughter, happiness, hustle, and bussle all riddle you on warm sunny days.
But when the storms sweep your horizons people shy away.

Beautiful wrapping, swaddled in a bow. The excitement of the mystery brings their eyes a glow.
The tension is high as the surprise waits to be seen by the on looking eyes.
The smile is bright the day became better as this wonderful gift was delivered like a letter.
Unwrapped, opened, ravished.
The moment finally here
Looking inside to see what awaits
But as its layers of beauty and excitement are pealed away reality strikes as to whats inside.
Madness and chaos obstruct your brain as the pain and sadness begins to become one with your brain.
Lost, alone, scearching for answers.
Your world is blown up as you constantly hear the noises of people unseen.
Am I crazy or is this a dream?
Day after day I wake with a start thinking thoughts that aren't from my heart but I now beat as one with the others who have passed on alone and misplaced.
Needing release, needing escape.

One simple statement sets it all off. Simple things said in jest that shouldn't mean anything are the ones that hurt the most. They hurt the most because they are the most honest things that can be said. People say what's on their minds in a hateful way simply because they think you will laugh it off, but then you dont. The things run through your brain over and over and over again pulling you under into the dark chazem of your mind. There is no escape. Once you enter the only way out is by doing somthig you shouldn't. Smoking ****, maiking yourself sick, running your nails into your skin into your skin until you bleed. The only way out is to go deeper into the rabbit hole.

But once you go there you dont just pop back. Every one of those negative things has repercussions that leave you worse off than before you fell in. You try to do better "healthier" things. The okay ways to cope. But it doesn't work. All you want is what you did before. To numb the pain. If you just can't feel it then it's not there.
Peace, being numb. They are basically the same thing to an addict. As long as you dont have to feel the bad things then whatever gets the job done is the thing to do.

But then finally you reach this point where you realize that you need to change. It doesn't get easier. you have to change your brain. Find new ways to cope with the pain.

Yes cope because it never goes away. So I sit here with my paper and pen writing because its better. Even if it doesn't that way. because I'm not being a disappointment to my family, but most of all. I'm not disappointing myself.

You
Are
So
Beautiful


4
Four words that I cannot comprehend.
They swirl in and out of the cracks in my brain dancing around trying to land on a tangible thought.
But they are lost.
Wondering.
The street lights are out and the darkness has taken over.
The moonlight isn't even glistening tonight. It's solid black.
So they search faster scanning for their place.
But it's not going to be found.
Thoughts plunged deep into oblivion filled with lies that have suddenly become truth because the switch has flipped and she is gone.

Gone
Like the weight that needs to be shed.
She looses herself in the number over and over again. It rises and falls like the heaving breaths she takes when she finishes making her mess.
Sobbing imperfection
"Beauty is pain"
Stop thinking about it you're not hungry again.

I thought you said I was beautiful, the way that my mind works.
Then you stopped talking to me.
My heart shattered into a million pieces. You left me Alone, left me to wonder.
No explication, nothing. I'm lost again because stupid me put my worth in the fact that you were there and the fact that you cared.
Obviously I'm just too much. People can't handle how honest I am. There is this void where I'm left
because when I do let people in I'm still too much.
You just left me, it hurts. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to eat. I dont want to move. You were my driving force and now you're gone, and you dont even Care.
But you don't know that because you aren't there.

Everything hurts. My body hurts, my brain is numb, my soul is crying, and my spirit is broken. I don't know how much longer I can do it.

It's like a switch flipped in his brain. I went from his everything to nothing in the matter of hours. Suddenly my safe place and my person just disappeared. No warning, no reason, no response. I am alone again. I am grieving, I am mourning the loss. But it's hard to mourn when you are still lost. No answers. No replies. Not worth the time. Just alone again. trying to build yourself back up into a functional human. But you can't because the ******* brain monster has taken over everything. Got to sleep crying, wake up crying, spend the days in-between crying. Call off of work because you can't keep it together. Because you can't paint on the happy face. Darkness. Alone. Just you your brain and your blankets. hoping that maybe he will come back.