I feel so much pain inside
knowing that you are married
I literally couldn't see
how horrible you were to me
because you would mask it
with fake kindness
and because as a women
I was more trained to see that coming
from a man than from someone who was a close friend to me
you met me at such a vulnerable hard period of my life
I had just moved to a foreign country
I met you at a shabbat meal
we bonded over food
at first when we met
I was so attracted to you
I thought you were so beautiful to me
because in those moments you were .
We would go out drinking and partying
and although you were the religious one
you would party harder than me
I remember how so many times you would
leave me for dead
when we were around strange men
in the bars
and I would beg you to stay
to not leave me
I was so drunk I could barely move
and you didn't care
you only cared about having fun
and not about me
so because of you I experineced
so much violence.
I remember how I cried in those stairwells
begging him to stop
how I felt robotic
how you left me all the time
while promising to come back
how you would treat me like dirt
leave me on red
and make up some excuses for why
you are a shtty human ...
now honestly ,
You never once said I am sorry
until I begged it out of you,
you would talk to my roommates
who bullied me viciously,
became their friends
and even rented that apartment
in that house after I moved out
I saw that you got married
and although I would like to feel happy for you
all I feel for you is so much hate anger
and so much immense pain
I don't know why it took me so long
to see how much of a horrible person you are
a wolf in sheep's clothing
and soon you will move back here
and if I ever do see you again
I would love to spit in your face
and say Fk You!
No more to letting people walk all over me
and do as they please
I don't wanna care about being liked anymore
I'd rather be myself be safe and be around those
who actually see for who I am
instead of using me
for their own jealous gain.
Many times the ones who are the worst
are the ones closest to you
that you can't even see
now I am learning to trust the subtle red flags that I feel
when I meet someone so I don't meet a person like you again.

the art of self love
starting to see me
in my power
in my truth
feels hard
working on letting go of
codependent truths
and sharing my truths
from my place of power
and self worth
remembering where I came from
and who I am becoming
and I am really starting to love it
and see the prayers
reveal itself

I sometimes wish
I didn't feel
the way that I do
but we met
the other night
for the first time
we met because
we are both lonely
in a new town
and we both wanted more friends
from the moment we talked
I felt my body pulse
for you
which for me
that is quite a rare occasion
especially for a man
I walked to the coffee shop on friday night
and I see you with your dark curls
jeans
and as I got closer
I thought wow he is so so handsome
how can he just be my friend??
As we spoke more and more
throughout the night
I felt more and more pulled towards you
as you cared more and more about me
as we saw that we view the world in such a similar way
your a man
who feels his feelings
we spoke about crying to music
about feelings mental health and heartbreak
and now I am unsure of what to do
or how you feel
I know I am not at all ready for a relationship
or anything else
but all I know is
that I want you
and from what I can see
your insides are just as beautiful
as your outsides.

I remember you
your beautiful hair
how I met you at the bar
how you were kind to me
how we sat in the feilds
and how you played with my hair
you gentle soul
you beautiful man
I've always loved the softness in people
the way their eyes light up
when they find something funny
and the way they find the world light up
when they love something or someone
I love the people
the unique men and women
who don't fit in
who are unique and witchy
I love souls
and I like people

since I was a child
I carried the shame
of feeling wrong
of feeling that I shouldn't be the way that I am
that I shouldn't view women in that way
that I shouldn't feel so much desire for them
that I shouldn't love them the way that I do
that I don't want this burden in my life
I feel like so many straight people
don't understand their privelage
especially the religious ones
I often wonder who else grew up gay or bisexual
from my religious class
are there others that are forced to live in quiet silence ??
I always felt afraid
and now that I am facing more of myself
and I watch the world around  me becoming more
homophobic
I genuinely feel scared and afraid to be out
I spent my whole life hiding
I don't wanna hide anymore
I wish I long for a world
where I don't have to worry if my country
will pass laws against me
where I don't have to walk in fear .

I think for so long
I blamed israel
for all of my pain adn existence
when really it was me
just healing lots of trauma patterns in my life
I want to look at my life through a different lense
I still wanna believe to love people
to love my life
I still wanna believe that all is possible for me
and that the words we say are so powerful
so we need to choose them carefully
and see how we create our reality.

rebirth
from dead
I pick myself up,
it smells
like burnt ashes,
go out
and act all friendly to the ones around me,
while hoping all the while
that they can't see my
ever bleeding broken shattered
flaming heart
I don't know what is true these days,
at times
sniff the air
it smells burnt around me
I realized men had hurt me so much
I was afraid to say that I liked them
and that I like both guys and girls
but the truth is
that when I look back
my heart has been so devasted broken in half
by so many men and women
and still rebirth from the dead is possible
when we can't see the light
we think that we can't go on
but than somehow we gather the strength to,
my whole life I bit my tongue
held my breath
held my opinions to myself
couldn't see myself out of the pit
that I was in
but now
now I see.