I call back my power
from everyone and everything
that tried to humble me
Today I walked across the street
and gave the angry looks to everyone who tried to
objectify me
people
think that magic is all light
but im here to tell you
that is a lie
in fact it is quite dark
I am tired of the fake positivity
of everyone pertending
in delusions
work towards what you want
but allow your hatred and pain
to transform you
to consume you
to help you
heal your wounds
and empower you to never become like your opressors
use your darkness
don't hide from it.

Everyone who thought they could fk with me
dont know a thing
when you hurt me
i cut you out with no shame
as if you never existed
as if i never felt anything towards you ,
and I roll my eyes to you and
shoot you death glares with my aura and my eyes.  
they call me a witch
well maybe I am one,
to the ones who mess with me.

maybe learn your lessons
and stop being mean
so that you don't get hurt.
point is dont fck with a witch

wish i could send all of my opressors
all of the angry metal music
that i listen to all the time now
on how much i hate them despise them
and how they feel like a parasite inside me
because who they are is exactly that
parasites.

just close my eyes
for another day
help me sleep my life away
so i dont have to face my pain
anymore
the sad pained face
the intense pained eyes
the longing to return
to my grandmother who is dead
it hurts so much
i wish I didn't feel so sucidal
I wish I felt happier
I wish I had friends who truly saw me
I wish I had a family and people who truly love me
and a partner who I can love
But alas all I have is myself
and as I sit here truly feeling my true feelings
for the first time in so long
It feels so overwhelming
but I feel like I'm healing
I still have hope
for a better life
its the only thing keeping me alive sometimes.

I went to the beach today
I felt glimmers of hope
of presence of moments
without pure self hatred
moments of peace
moments of self love
its like watching myself slowly emerge
from a deep mountain of sht
that kept me locked up for so long
I am really trying to be patient with my progress
while healing from more than one addiction
chronic pain and complex post trauma ,
I always reflect why do I have to heal from so much
and to withstand so much terror in my life
more than most people I know my age,
or older.
It always come back to people
who have large amounts of pain
have a big purpose in this life
to help others heal through
and emerge from their own hells
I feel this is why
and it helps me get through days,
because many days it feels really hard still.
I reflect on the small things because it helps
and writing helps keep me sane.

I struggle so deeply
to feel at home in my body,
all I feel when I look at my chest
is all of the men that used me like a doll
of my mom shaming me in my head
for my *******
and how "provocative " I am
for just existing,
for society sexualizing me,
for all the women that hated me for my body/looks,and objectified me
and all the men that "loved"  me /used me just for my body and sexualized me
with their eyes.

It hurts  so deeply to feel so violated  all the time
it echoes in my mind,body and soul
all the repeated violations words, looks and all the aching laughter,
the way everyone  in my family
sexualized me since I was a child,
so intern I internalized all the hatred to my body and my chest.

I just wander if these people  truly understand
how much their actions truly affect others,
how deeply I suffer with complex post trauma all the time
and dysphoria sometimes,
from the deep pain of ****** violence

when I truly look at it all,
its not even wanting to be a man
so much so , as wanting to be seen as a person.

who is worthy of being heard,
not because I am pretty ***** or curvy
or hot or ****,
but because I am smart I am strong
I am  impressive  and resiliant
have a beautiful mind
and I am not just how I look
or how I present.

My whole life I was influenced and taught to believe
that my only value as a women
was my looks,
or to be chosen by a  man or by my society,
and to exist as a  baby making machine,
while not complaining or being "too much ".
That I shouldn't show my body too much , & that I should always look good 24/7,like I am a doll of some kind, instead of a human being.

How my body was the reason for men sinning
and how I would go to hell for my thoughts or behaviors
if I wasn't perfect.

Now I am realizing none of that truly matters,
and I don't wanna live the rest of my life
chasing validation,
or feeling like I need others approval to feel whole inside,
I wanna accept who I am
love who I am
and like myself for who I am,
and not just for my looks or for my body or sexuality,
but for who I am down to my core
the good and the seemingly bad imperfections
to feel safe in myself and that is beautiful to just be me
without needing to put on a show for anyone.

My whole life
I felt so much shame in my whole being
like I was born wrong
that everything about me was so wrong
because I was born into a family
where I never recieved love attachment or true joy
where I was always picked on bullied and harrassed by
pretty much everyone in my life.
Where everytime I felt my dysphoria
I felt wrong
Iike it was wrong to feel like a girl
but wanna be a boy at times ...
but now that I am healing myself
I see that there is nothing wrong with who I am
that I am beautifully made
and that I am just different in my own way
and that is beautiful ,
I am a person who thinks for myself
who has always questioned it all
and that's why I was able to leave a super opressive religion
and hometown.
It's been my saving grace.
Someone who is super creative
who has a super big heart and soul
who feels so many many things
so when others even in a well intended way
try to tell me that I am non binary or something like that
or queer,
the labels don't feel like they  fit me,
because I am who I am
and I don't like labels,

I am learning to not  judge myself
but to just accept myself,

that I have a right to exist
to live a good beautiful life
of my own choosing
to learn that I am powerful by just being me
by just existing,
and that there was never anything wrong with me
I AM Who I AM.