I love you

greed and desire
toxic and poison
love and hate
you and me
we are dangerous for each other but do we care
the world can stop and stare
as we take turns to love and despair
you are mine and I am yours
we are one and I love you and the pain that comes with it
you are mine and I don't care
the world can stop and stare I don't care

Yet sometimes when the backyard fills up,
and glows with that silvery grey light,
and I’m tucking into my big enough bed,
and fluffing all of the pillows around me,
my bones ache for your bones,
and my mouth waters for your mouth,
and my skin chills for your skin,
and my mind races for your mind,
and my heart cries out for your heart,
I miss you (and I shouldn’t even miss you).

Some people are just made for you
You know it the second you enter a room they're in
You feel it before you even see them
You love them with every cell that makes your heart beat
They touch you and you crumble
They move and you follow
They breath and you can feel their inhale through your lungs
You become two halves of one person.

Everything you say, feel so right, feels like heaven,
What I was, what I have become,

Quite a strange feeling, so much unknown;
Life's no more what it was before,

Though there's no future, I can't turn back, there's no detour,
Neither there any wish, nor place for any hope,
Up in flames, all I care for.

I guess the times are mine now
Since you've forgotten that we've loved
All the long nights
Every conversation
The feelings
Now seem Abandoned
Like all the wilted roses
I left for you
Still laying at our bedside
untouched

There is a love that rages here.
A kind that's incredible.
One that's illogical
and addled.

It sees through eyes though blind.
It thinks with mind though insane.
It feels with heart though unscrupulous.
It chooses with thought though reckless.

It is selfish and it wants what it wants.
It doesn't care because everything else
bears little weight.
Inconsequential.

There is a love that surges here.
And we are but...
collateral damage.

Three years ago
my best friend died.

He got too close to the water,
they said,
and they named it "accidental".
And that was that.

I never bought that.
I think he just..
gave up.
I couldn't tell you why,
not an answer
you would accept anyway.
Just a feeling that lives
deep in my soul.
A feeling that tells me
that he knew
what his decision would mean,
and he jumped.

Took all my secrets
and demons with him.
He took
all the things
I'd only ever told him,
and he buried them,
then he left me here.
Without him.

I've never felt that kind of pain before.

I thought
I'd felt it all.
But I was wrong.

That night I sat on my floor,
listening to the same song on repeat.
The tears refused to stop,
along with the shakes,
so I got drunk
and tried not to feel.

But that didn't work either.
So I drank more.
Cried more.
Smoked another cigarette

and I tried to write him down.

But I just stared at the screen.
Blank.
Waiting for words that never came.
I think I thought
that if I wrote it down,
it would be too real.
It would mean that he was really gone,
that there was no going back.
And if it was real,
then I would have to miss him.
I would have to let myself feel that..
And I wasn't ready for that.

So I told myself that
I would wait to write him down,
wait until
I didn't miss him so much.

I would wait until the words came.

But they never came.
No words came.
Eventually
I refused to write at all
until I could write my best friend down,
until I could tell OUR story.

But suddenly,
three years had come and gone,
and I didn't miss him
any less,
and I didn't write
any more stories,
and it didn't change anything.

At all.

She's always Writing.
Always in her notebook.
She could be Pretty.
But
She never looks at People.
Always her face straight.
Her deep blue eyes glazed over.
Always in Another World.
People always Laugh and Whisper.
They Don't Understand.
They Don't Know.