I could meet thousands of shores, but it's still the sunset on the horizon that I adore.

I wondered how long it would take me to muster the courage to mention this bridge.

Guess now is the time.

I cross this familiar bridge whenever I go home from work.
It was a long bridge hanging just over a busy avenue with high-speed vehicles on a constant city rush.
It was long enough for me to have time to contemplate how it feels like to be gone in this world forever.
A bridge rarely crossed by pedestrians, a solitary place for an emotionless soul.

There was one night I stopped walking at the middle of that bridge.
With my detached eyes looking over the passing lights of the cars,
I thought maybe I could fall from this height and get hit and dragged by a truck.

I could die on the spot.
Beautiful, I thought.
This place could be such a beautiful place.

To be gone.

The thought enticed me like the aroma of my favorite food.
And at the same time, it sent shivers down my spine
Until soon enough, my mind was clogged by the guilt caused by my thought of wanting to leave the world for my own selfish desires of escape.

I refused to be that coward.
I still remember how I desperately sobbed my way down the bridge.

From then, it was very hard for me to cross the bridge without getting panic attacks.
Nights weren't chilly, but my legs can barely stand straight,
Knees shaking nonstop.

But there's no other way for me to get home and I badly want to bury myself in my sheets.

I have to cross the bridge.

I have to face this path.

I have to endure the heavy weight on my chest. Every single day.

I have to fight these crippling thoughts.


At all costs, I have to get home.

You came to me like an unforeseen tsunami.
And like an unguarded shore, I welcomed you with open arms.

I know that you go as fast as you come,
Yet I let you scatter me all over the place,
And leave me teased by your waves.

You can be alone but not lonely.
You can be lonely even when you're not alone.
I hear this over and over and I just nod like I heard it for the first time.
It's sad that I am both.
Lonely and alone.

The sun is setting into an orange gradient and I can still the smell the rain.
That familiar smell of the ground.
Outside the walls of my room, I know people are bustling their ways to go home.
And here I am on my bed, lonely and alone.

Do you ever just want not to wake up?
I oversleep and even if I've had enough and my head is already aching from hours of pressure on my head,
And my eyes are hurting for I have been shutting them in force for hours long,
I am just not ready to wake up.
I have no reason at all.
Or maybe I'm just tired trying.

As I'm thinking about it now,
How each passing day is getting more difficult to live,
I realized how nice it would have been if there's someone who could tell me,
"It'll be fine. You'll be fine."
I hope someone could spark me some hope.
Like who cares if it's false.

When I said I was over you,
I meant over, not finished.

For a fact I know we will never be together.
For a fact I know you'll never give me a glance while I give you my whole life.
For a fact I know we might not even cross each other's paths.
But I still want to keep you in my heart.
And I want you to be that shining star that shines even more if I only look longer.
So even when I walk the darkest of my life, I'd still see you there up in the sky
And still feel you here in my chest.
I know I'll be fine. Sure I will.

And I was left there in solitude,
Searching for scribbled words of my favorite poems
That remind me of you.

If you put your hand against my chest,
Right through my throbbing heart that longs,
You'll hear the sound of you.

Never has it screamed
And never has it really jumped off me.
It's done a far scarier thing.

It threatened to leave my heart dead if stays unheard.
Yes, from that sound of you.

So I had to listen to it.

Your laugh, your song, your every single word.
Even your sighs that I undeniably grew to miss.
Your cries that you held tight in your throat.
Oh, those were the times
I wish I could be right there with you
And you could not just be a sound I have trapped,
A distance I couldn't close.

Dearest, you fill my head with pieces of crap to waste my time for.
Like a jobless counting steps from the kitchen to the main door.
Like the fool that I always was.
For you.

They say love is a luxury
And unnecessary.
As though an ad-free Spotify in a world of illegal downloads.

But... I think I'm in love with you.

And as a prisoner of the sound of you,
What else can I possibly do?

I have liked the constellations of stars splattered on a night sky ever since I was a kid.
And it did not hurt me much to think that I could possibly not reach them ever in this lifetime.
I’m fine gazing at how they sparkle so beautiful and bright.

Just then I thought maybe it’ll be enough for me liking you from a far distance.
Just exactly how I like the star.

It was the accidental meeting of the eyes,
Skin touching on the bus ride way home;
Little did we know it could be something beautiful.
Indeed it's true that a flower can grow from concrete cracks.

If my heart doesn't beat for you,
Then let it not beat at all.

If my lips don't sing for you,
Then let them not sing at all.

If my mouth doesn't speak your name,
Then let it not speak at all.

If my path doesn't lead to you,
Then maybe I should stop here.

We whisper love underneath the sheets,
Sometimes just staring at each other in adoration,
Searching for words that don’t exist.

I drew you with a pen that will never run dry.
I painted you with colors that will never fade.
You are an imperishable art.
I’m the artist in the dark.

It was the time when I was alone at the backseat of a cab that I wished I have someone I sit beside with.
It was the time when I was by myself walking along the shore that I hoped I have someone walk with me and leave footsteps behind.
It was the time when I was walking the streets on a starry night that I fancied I have someone to tell how I love the stars.

I tend to shut people out.
I am comfortable alone.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t crave human intimacy.
I do and those were the times.