Call me heartless
if it helps you feel better

keeping me locked in a memory
of bitterness
dragging my name through the dirt
as you tell the next girl of the one
before

I can keep your kisses pressed
against my heart
and pretend the sweetness lingers

if it makes you feel better
be cruel and not kind

I don’t mind

Today I went to Coffee Rush.
I got my usual caramel nut latte and sat outside.
I lit a cigarette and eavesdropped on
all the people there with their friends.
I left a while later and headed to the salt river.
I stayed there for several hours
listening to the wind in the trees and the
trout jumping to catch their next meal.
I felt at peace.
The sun was shining on my skin and warming
my heart up.
I was fine
but then you showed up.
I pushed you out of my head as soon as you popped in.
And what do you know?
I felt free.
On my way home, I stopped back at Coffee Rush.
Sat outside, lit my smoke, eavesdropped.
My phone buzzed, and
it surprised me a little bit.
I was fine
until you showed up.
I left the coffee shop in a hurry and sped home.
I felt angry, and then nothing.
Angry.
Nothing.
Angry
Nothing.
Back and forth until it exhausted me.
Now I lay in my bed
feeling nothing
except tired, but not tired enough to sleep.
I was fine until you showed up.

.

I gripped my steering wheel so hard
my knuckles turned white.
I blew through the yellow traffic light
just as it turned red.
65 in a 45, speeding faster and faster
dodging the slower cars.
Everything was a blurry mix of light and dark.
That one message sent
me into a frenzied fit of anger and nothingness.
I imagined myself
crashing my car into the light post to my right.
Instead I slowed down,
and turned left into my neighborhood.
I have no one
to confide these thoughts within my mind.
He's on the phone
with her, and I don't care enough about me or anyone
to drive safely anymore.
I guess that's what I get for reckless driving.

I sped down Lindsay road going 15 miles over the usual 45.
"I'm still playing, just on the phone. I have my mic turned off now."
I sped even faster.
I felt my eyes glaze over and I saw red.
I never really was one to drive so carelessly,
but when he said that in the discord chat,
I felt cold.

I wish I were made of stone
So your words would never hurt me
I wish I were cold as ice
Then maybe I wouldn't be lonely

I wish I were made of steel
So my strength would never waver
If only I could turn back the clock
To a time when I felt safer

But I'm only flesh and bone
And your words have left me bleeding
My heart is torn apart
It's a wonder it's still beating

You made up your mind
Given me your final answer
What we shared is in the past
Time to write a brand new chapter

I will fix my broken heart
Some how piece it back together
It may never be the same
It'll bare this scar forever

But I'll be strong, I'll be alright
Though I'm not as hard as steel
And I can't turn back the clock
In time....my heart will heal

Im waiting for him at coffee rush. He's probably finally going to tell me all of his feelings. It's going to be exactly what I don't want to hear. I know it is. I can feel it. It smells like earth worms outside today. Today will be the day that my life changes I think. To another course. Maybe forever. I don't know if I am ready for such a change. I don't think I want it to.

When he got there, I was smoking a cigarette. He asked me if I had smoked at all while we were together. I told him the honest truth, that I hadn't and that I was only doing it to feel something familiar. We talked about our days and our plans for the day. He's hanging out with Mariem later, and I'll be where? Home? I don't think I want to stay "home." Anyways. Then came the part I've been dying to hear. He told me he's been thinking about it a lot. It was "hard to NOT think about it." His decision was as follows:

"I talked to my mom, dad, and Austin. I haven't talked to Nick yet... But anyway, I don't think that it's in my best interest to date you again. They think so too. There's a fear of getting hurt again, but there's also the positive hope that I wont and that's something to possibly look forward to, but right now it's just not my best interest. I don't feel like I love you, so... And if we're meant to be together, then it will happen, but I don't want to give you more false hope."

We had a little more awkward conversation, and he kept looking at me funny. I knew he was going to say exactly that thing. I am not angry, nor am I heartbroken. I love him. I will always, probably. I am only a little sad. More so fearful of the lonely world I have just entered. For some reason, I am perfectly calm. I don't think it's going to be alright, but I think I just fell too far down the black hole to care anymore. I blocked him on social media and everywhere. The only thing I haven't blocked is his phone number. If he truly needs to talk to me, he'll just have to text me instead. Again, I am not mad at him. Not upset. I just think I don't feel anything. I swallowed everything I was feeling at Coffee Rush. I locked it up and put it back in a dusty old box, and shoved it on the highest unreachable shelf.

"I'm letting my one tear escape! There it is, haha!" I told him. I told him I was weirdly happy but in all truth, the remaining ruins of my old walls have been rebuilt in a matter of an hour. I hope he sees this. I hope he understands. But then again, why would I waste my time on hopes when they never come true.

"Stop wishing, and just accept it." A stranger said that to me once. I'll swallow the pill without a grimace or a thought and just accept it.

I'm going to ******* run away tomorrow.
I'm going up north. Somewhere where only one person could find me.
And even HE proabably won't remember how to get there.
I need the ******* space.
I need to clear my head.
I need to not be surrounded by things that make me angry.
Like mariem
Or my lack of friends
Or brandon
Or the fact that my only friends never talk to me