It’s okay you know
That one day you’ll leave me behind
One day
You’re gonna decide to be happy
And that’s not gonna include me
It’s okay
That you’re gonna hurt me one day
That you look at me now
And you don’t see me
The way I see you
And it’s okay
That you don’t want me like that
That you need me in body
But not in soul
It’s okay that I’m just temporary
That I’m not really anything at all to you
It’s alright
It’s okay if you break me
If you try and try and try
It’s okay if you never really want me
Because that much I get
That much I understand
It’s okay if happy doesn’t include me
Because I want you to be happy anyway
And I love you enough
To let you do that
Without faulting you for never loving me too
It’s okay
To be selfish with me for a little while
Because I’d give anything
For just a little time
And it’s okay to call me
Because all I really want
Is to hear your voice
And it’s alright that it’s so one sided
It’s okay that you’ll never
Be able to give me what I give to you
Because I want to love you
Because I want to need you
Even if it doesn’t end well
I want to enjoy you while you’ll let me
Let you lie to me while you’re still willing
Just pretend you love me
Pretend for a while longer
That you want me around at all
Just keep me convinced
For even a few more minutes
That you might choose me someday
And I promise I won’t regret it
I promise the pain won’t pull me under
when you go
I’ll remember you fondly
And love you always
Even if, to you
I’m hardly a fleeting thought
So please
Because it’s really okay
If you break my heart
I just wanna believe
For a short little while
That you thought I was just enough
To love just a little

I wish that I could be the void
The one you scream into
When you’re broken
The one you run to
When you want to be alone
I wish I could be that darkness
You want so badly to bury yourself in
The arms you want to hold you
When you don’t want solitude anymore
Sometimes I wish I was that blackness
That heavy chasm
Filled with nothing
I wish I was that place
Where you go to whisper all your secrets
The place you go the lay each burden down
I wish I was the pair of shoulders
You trusted to carry the weight
Of everything that rests with you
I wish I was that secret silent space
That corner inside your head
You never let anyone get inside
I wish you would let me
Because I’m not afraid of the dark
Nor am I afraid of the beasts it creates
I’m not afraid of pain
Or a mouth that’s quick to bite
I don’t fear scars or unhealed wounds
And I know that it’s easy
So much easier to believe
That everyone is ready and willing
To keep on running farther and farther away
But hell has reached up through the ground
Claws of flame and molten rock
Clenched around my throat
I have seen horrors that should have killed me
I’ve endured pain that threatened the same
I’ve looked into the faces of so many demons
That I’d almost forgotten what it was like
To see human eyes looking back at me instead
And there is nothing
In either heaven or hell
There is nothing on earth
Or any world beyond it
That can threaten this heart
Into forgetting how to love you
And I know it’s hard to understand
Harder still to believe
But if you could look past all the *******
And for once just look at me
Look right at me
I think you’d finally see it

Accepting that life is cruel
That that’s just the way it is
And that humanity doesn’t deserve happiness
It’s just a cop out
For not taking responsibility
Because if you realize you can have it
If you realize that life can be beautiful
And that you really can be happy
Then all those wasted years
Might crush you beneath their weight
And the suffocating heaviness
Of realizing you were in control all along
Is something you’re too afraid
To hold on your own two shoulders
But listen up baby
Because what I’m about to say is the truth
You are strong enough to carry it
You are strong enough to choose it
Choose yourself
Choose happiness and love
You’re the only one who can make that true
And I promise you
The weight is not unbearable
You can shoulder that grief
All those years lost to worry or pain or trauma
You can shoulder it because
It is temporary
And it is worth it
The reward you reap
From choosing yourself
Is well worth the weight
That isn’t quite as heavy as you fear.

Less like sunshine
And dew drops on grass
More like thunderstorms
And the scent of lightning
You are the sharp crags
In the mountains
Rivers along the bedrock
And gushing into waterfalls
You are a tsunami
Deep valleys
Filled with lush evergreens
And the smell of pine
You’re the dry heat of desert
And the roiling waves before the storm
Your presence hit me not with softness
But with the strength of wild horses
The suddenness of a monsoon
The wariness of meeting you
Was replaced almost immediately
With intrigue
With desire
With longing
With realization
I’d been used to gentle beginnings
Accustomed to persuasions and fancy tricks
I’d been charmed by dazzling lights
And drawn in by the shimmering
Peaceful surface of a placid lake
But you
You were turbulent and loud
A deep dive into depths I’d never known
You were scorching heat
A fire burning so brightly within me
That I could no longer contain the flame
And yet, it did not control me

Your storm became my haven
The heavy crack of thunder
Became the lullaby that sang me to sleep
And your rushing rivers
Deep carved out canyons
And thick jungle vines
Became a home to me
Unlike any I’d ever dreamed
I felt a peace with you
That no gentle hand had ever fed me
A contentedness
That no dazzling light ever provided
A love
That no smile or charm
Has ever unearthed from me before

I want to call you baby
To wrap my arms around you
And call you mine
I want to sit with you
Rain pouring on a Thursday
Toes stuffed under one of your legs
And your hand at my cheek

I want to wrap myself in your warmth
Wake up on lazy mornings to your gaze
To hold your hand whenever I want it
And tug you closer to me
I want to taste you
To travel over the surface of you
Claiming every inch with my tongue
Without worry that it may never be mine

I want to fall asleep with you
Comb my fingers through your hair
And feel you relax against me
I never want us to have
Anywhere else to be
Anyone else to answer to
I want to be yours
As much as you are mine

You told me not to have expectations
And I don’t
But I want to
I want to be able to kiss you
Whenever and for however long
I want you close to me
To trust me
To hold me tighter
To want more from me
I want to laugh on top of you
My hair a curtain around us
And I want you to touch me
Like you’ve never wanted
To touch anyone quite as badly

I want to surprise you
To have the chance to be with you
To show you what it’s like
To be with me
I want to love you
Fiercely and passionately and warmly
I want to feel you
To love you deeply
To embrace you and need you
And I want you to feel the same
To look at me and think
I love you
So much that sometimes it hurts me

I’ve done what they said
Cleaned up my space, put on a brave face
And I’ve dressed myself up
Combed my hair back, just to distract
From all those little qualities I still lack
And I’ve put on a smile
Nose buried in books so I don’t have to look
At my phone
Every ten seconds to see if you replied
I’ve done what they’ve asked

I took a few deep breaths
Taking pressure off my chest
Trying to understand
Why all these words make me feel like
My spine is folded and compressed
And why I can’t seem to stop
Thinking or dreaming or even believing
In a future that I know
Is my brain’s way of deceiving
Me
But it’s hard to think better
To do
Better
Hard to wrap my mind around
Every single sigh and sound
Because every time your feet hit the ground
My heart sputters and pounds
Waiting for my eyes
To see you around the bend

It’s insane
I keep talking myself out of it
Because I know the weight’s about to hit
And I know it’ll be
Too heavy to hold, but I don’t want to fold
Because when I see those eyes
Of chestnut and gold
I find myself gasping
It’s not you
It can’t be you
But each time I lie
I suddenly find
That everything I’ve worked for
Doesn’t feel quite right

And if it’s not you
I don’t want it

In every face I’m seeking your gaze
In every conversation I’m always amazed
At how I listen for your voice
And I search for your smile
In every stranger on the street
Because I know you aren’t mine
Even though I want you to be
And I’ve wanted that from the start
It’s the same ******* story
Pouring out of my heavy broken heart
That every time I think about it
I’m tearing myself apart
Because if it’s not you
If
It’s not you

I don’t want it.

Don’t be that girl
But I already am
And I’ve done a lot of damage
With my own two hands
And I guess it’s hard to tell
But I know it’s easy to see
That every version I give
Is a different side of me
But I keep my mouth shut
The way I’m told I should
And I bite back my answer
When they say it’s all good
And I fold myself up
Let my face say it all
Denying your assumptions
Even when they’re not wrong
Because I really don’t care enough
To keep playing games
And I’m kind of ******* tired
Of people screaming my name
And I’m more than my body
Or “you’re cool it’s just that”
Or how every time I ignore a guy
He responds with “oh well you’re fat”
And I’m sick of second guessing
And being the next choice
Sick of being crossed off the list
Sick of not using my voice
I’m sick of the noise
Screaming constant in my head
Sick of wishing for more, or worse
Wishing I was dead
I’m sick of wanting
Because that **** never works
And I’m sick of not feeling
Because even that ******* hurts
And I’m always the one
But somehow never ******* enough
Unless we’re just *******
But hey, it might be love
Right?
What a ******* joke
So funny I keep laughing
And I keep medicating
As if it’s not a bad thing
But ******* it I’m tired
******* over being this
Because this is never chosen
And I’m just constantly ******
So let it be silent
For even a second of peace
Before I really lose my ****
And forget how to breathe
Because I’m that ******* girl
And I always have been
And I’ll drag your *** with me
When I’m in hell for my sins.