I.
because I've never loved myself but I'm starting to, with you

II.
because I've never known who I really am and I hated that, hated myself,
there was always a pause, always something held back or misspoken, insufficiently explained
because I was never safe and I was never fully understood, and there was always something lost in translation

III.
but I've always hated that person, who hid his stutter, who spoke slowly so as not to let slip mistakes from his words and thoughts, never mention the things he really cares about because then,

IV.
well he would probably talk to fast and he would probably stutter he'd probably speak so fast and with so much excitement that he'd forget to apologize until he'd remembered no one cared, no one wanted to hear, and he'd slow down and regret so much, hate himself so much for bringing this upon himself

V.
except with you,
I talk about everything, and everything I care about,
and I'm not afraid of talking fast,
or tripping over words,
because I know you won't leave me if I fall, because you've done it so many times
because you just laugh and pick me up again and again and hold my hand and
you laugh like its funny
like its not ridiculous
like you can't even imagine wanting me to stop every time I trip
like you just want me to keep going and you'll help and
I love the person I am when I'm holding your hand

Railway sleeper
For a bed
With hollowed
Back buttocks
Heel and head:-

We like to think
Life precedes death

Why?

Does sleep precede
Awakening

Dream the real

Reality the ideal?

Before existence,
Prior
Existence a blow,
And afterthought
Of universal flow:-

Freight train coming

Lift torso from
Timber chamber
And move

Move on

Move
Sleep over
Exists first light

Then dawn

The teacher wrote a question on the board
large enough to see but,
still hard to follow,
in black expo:

If each color had a taste, what would sad taste like?
And the girl with crosses up and down her arm
mentioned once,
'blue tasted like flat soda pop,
cold and a bit too sweet'

The boy with the hair running smoothly over his eyes
pronounced sixty four ways to say 'azure'
and each time,
he tasted the iron of the
hammer that his father had split his collarbones apart

and I cried for each story,
because the color 'blue'  always
tasted like brandy, heartbreak and broken nails

I saw you in winter,
and thought of tree branches feathered by starlight in poorly lit neighborhoods. A hearth where the more honest parts of myself, I am bared fetal, warmed upon, welcomed.

I saw you in spring,
and thought of long drives in the countryside in the rain. Ice cream melting from our chins dancing petrichor upon our toes, kissing by the sea shore.

I saw you in summer,
and thought of sleepy boathouses, uncovering ancient childhood treasures in the woods. A secret lake somewhere, the sky's reflection in promise. Windy hilltops upon which to blame each other for the sunrise.

I saw you in autumn,
and thought of scarfs and cafes, city streets and sunsets where we watched each others breath escape. Apartment staircases where windchill hibernates, the world slowing down around us from your window.

The first time I saw You, I thought to myself, "I could live there."

i hate to see you this way.
You are my best friend,
i am yours.

You can't just die.
Dying isn't going to fix you,
or heal you.

i want to help you,
but i can't.

Our lives are so deeply intertwined,
but we are both so broken.

I want to hold you and tell you that
everything is going to be okay,
but the truth is,
it's not.

You say you want to die.
You say no one will care,
no one understands you.

Well, what about me?
We are One. I can feel your heart
pound in my chest. I can also feel as you
tear it to shreds.

So if you die,
what about me?

I will die.
You can't leave the autumn leaves that crunch beneath
Our feet.
You can't vanish from all the photos We took, the memories
We share.

FOR ****'S SAKE WE ARE ONE

If you leave this world,
you'll leave it a murderer.
because at the moment Your heart stops in
My chest
i will die.