The steady beat of deliberation
Echoes in my ears
As the heart of confidence
Intentionally screams,
Existence

Please stop.
Don’t play with my hair
Don’t kiss me like you care
It hurts more when the candid
Reality strikes leaving me to stand
Alone.

I’m building towers of letters
Walls of words, and
Mountains of books.
I have fallen in love with
The way that some words
Cling together like soulmates.
The way that some sentences
Thread together
Like interlaced fingers;
Itching for more.
Hoping for more.
I hope that someday,
My walls will be high enough
To block out humanity
Protect my sanity
And create a
Masterpiece.

Wait!
Stop!
Just.. wait a second
Please stay with me
I quickly beckon,
Though you aren’t keen,
Just hide your weapon
Don’t make a scene,
Please don’t stray,
Too far away,
From my heaven.

There’s something beautifully tragic
About watching someone hit rock bottom.
There’s something lovely and dramatic
About watching you solve every problem,
Picking up every individual nomadic
Piece of yourself in the solemn
Face of adept compliance
With absolutely zero defiance.

There’s a little place
In the back of my head
It’s what I tend to embrace
When I’m lying in bed

I pretend I’m not lonely
I pretend I’m not scared
It’s where my testimony
Is one that I could share.

But in the morning when
The light shines through
It strips me, reveals my sin
Showing me the truth.

I am the master of illusions.
You see me— but you don’t.
You think you know me—
But if I don’t,
—You don’t.

I trick myself—
It’s funny you see—
This is the path—what I was lead to be,
I don’t want to BE anymore.
I just want to be free.

I wish my words would caress your soul
I want my heart to speak your language
I wish I could paint your mind sinful  
I want to put your brain onto a stage.

I try to yell mountains but you hear a hill
I try to paint waterfalls but you see streams
I yearn to dance the breeze yet you hear nill
I aim to preach worlds but its a distant dream.

I am picking up letters.
I’m grabbing words,
I’m threading sentences,
Stacking books up high,
Building walls of worlds,
Building mountains,
To protect my sanity.

I like to think of it as
The eye of the tornado.
I see joyous interactions,
Movement and panic
All around me but,
Me? I’m calm. I feel
Alone. I feel empty
As the people around
Me are full. They all
Are so happy but I
Feel isolated. As if
They stole all of my
Emotions to support
Their own well being.
How can I feel so alone
When I’m surrounded
By opportunities?

The lines cross, intersect,
As they delicately settle.
They leave, come back,
tell me that they
Will visit again later.
There are patterns,
Pictures, paintings
And memories all
Spread out over the
Design. How many?
How many strings?
Who have they touched,
Do others see them?
I see them. I see them
Dangling, draped over
other people’s shoulders
Wrapped around their
Necks, falling off
Laying in the street.
Or sitting on display
Similar to a crown.
There are so many webs.
I wipe them away, but
some are here to stay
Clinging to my heart.

Suddenly I’m a child again.
I’m jumping from pillows
As if my life depended on it.
Miss grab a couch instead-
A cheap move but necessary.
The game’s playing in my head
I’m pretending reality is lava
Pillows are temporary, and
Reaching for a couch is acceptable.

I’m drowning
I can’t breathe
I can’t function
I can’t think.

As I lay in bed the sheets
Become snared around limbs
I fight to set myself free as
The blankets embody me

In a comfortable tomb.
I sleep to remember
But I drink to forget
The dream, the essence

Of you.

If only, if only,
Said the jay to the dove
If only if only
You’d be my true love.
If only if only
The dove then replied
If only if only
you’d stay by my side.
If only if only
The treetops were gold
If only among them
Our futures were told.
If only if only
The dawn broke the night
If only if only
Our demons would die.

One day I’ll realize the mountain I’ve been looking at for years, is merely a hill
One day I’ll notice that someone has always been searching for me.
One day I’ll describe life in a way That accentuates and revitalizes hope.
One day tears of sadness will be tears of joy, and the droplets will symbolize peace.

I empathize with the beauty others see, but never notice it shining on me.
I could could change my name many times, but never shed a leaf,
I look for God in waterfalls, I find many friends in trees.
Yet I only receive in answer, in the distant, whispering, breeze.

You tell me there are galaxies in my eyes
But I see heartbreak in your smile
You see millions on my body
While lies cover your lips.
You love me but your
Love isn’t real.

I’ve watched other people’s’ lives fly by
I’ve watched the children hopes die
As they turned to drugs *** and lies
Instead of carrying their weighted lives.

I’ve watched as the boy who once cared
Slowly started to despair and the hope
Disappeared from his eyes.
It’s heart breaking.

I’ve looked through old photos.
It’s strange how happy pictures
Are the first to draw my tears.
I forgot simply how much we cared.

I believe some people don’t realize
They have something until it’s gone.
Like the wisps of wind that strip our souls
Through days, months, years disappear

I don’t know why it struck so suddenly.
But that single dusty, haunted, picture,
The boy with inspiring eyes,
The motivational one who

Played all the games
Cheered all the fights,
Danced through the night,
As if he hadn’t a care in the world,

Spoke to me.  

Maybe the reason he’s drowning
Is the reason he drowned me.
You can’t hold my head up
While yours is so far under.

The waves of hopelessness
The foaming pits of his soul.
Each step was closer to the cliff
Yet I walked ever consistently.

I still fall,
Im falling,
Falling,
As the sky disappears I wonder,

Is this how it felt?
Is this how the boy,
With the soul-searching eyes,
Felt, when I asked him to love me?

I’m looking for your answer.
I want to grab it, strangle it,
manipulate it in my hands,
tear it out of the air
Force it into paper
And make it your answer.
Until it reaches into your brain
but pulls out your heart instead.
I want it to be beautiful,
I want it to be intricate
fashioned into words so descriptive
They give you tears of empathy.
I want it to smear into pictures
conveying your answer.
Because I am not your answer.
I will never be your answer despite
How much I wish I was,
How long I keep pretending.
As the breeze twists through the sky,
I reach up and I grasp
My fingertips tremble like
They are trying to reach to space.
I yearn for it to solidify
in my palms, but it doesn’t.
I can’t find your answer.
I can’t protect you,
I won’t.

It’s funny how I’ve tried so hard
to find your answer
when really I was looking for mine.
It comes to me like a cold shower,
like the morning sun in a window.
It’s wrapped up neatly in a thin box
But I decide I don’t want it.
I want it concealed, hidden away
With lost thoughts collecting dust.
Why can’t it leave me alone?
No more days where I am oblivious
Days when I thought I was sufficient
Maybe not now, tomorrow I said.
But I hear not tomorrow today.
After realizing it’s a facade
It’s not real, not permanent
I would rather live in the fairytale.
It’s hard. It’s like chalkboard nails,
It’s not music.
It’s not paint.
It’s not literature that takes you
Somewhere else and whispers
sweet nothings into your ear.
It’s me before you,
It’s reality.
Yet, somehow, I can’t believe it.

Dreaming

I ponder after midnight
What it would be like
To take the first step
In a right direction.
Since I want so immensely.
I want to live until I die,
Breathe until my lungs collapse,
Draw until the world’s on paper,
Pray until someone hears me,
Give until I have nothing left,
Laugh until nothing’s funny,
Dance until the music stops,
Love until my heart breaks,
Sing until my voice fades,
Learn until I understand,
And run until the night falls.
Life is difficult.
In order to begin,
I need to wake up.