I took care of myself.
and sobbed through a therapy session,
I was the one to sign up for the next appointment.
I took care of myself
and worked through pages of homework, even when I could hear arguing from your room.
Even when tears fell on the pages and all I wanted was to run away.
I took care of myself,
When I remembered what happened,
hands under my nightgown,
My four year old brain not knowing what was happening.
I took care of myself,
When I bought a pride shirt,
And some middle aged women told me I was going to hell.
I took care of myself,
Even when you told me the God I know is with me,
Was against my very being.

I did it on my own.
So when you say you won’t walk me down the aisle,
Or pay for my wedding,
Or love me the way you said you always would...
I don’t need you. I learned.
At sixteen,
How to love myself,
And I did on my own.

When I walk,
into the house of worship and prayer,
with notions,
of souls without bodies,
and people not constrained,
by the labels and boundaries of this earth,
of loving without restraint,
without a condition of what they look like,
They all agree.
until I say,
I meant, the concepts of gender, and sexuality.

You, my father,
The one who says
“Meet me in the middle.”
So I take a step forward,
While you take two back.

I’m  getting really, really tired of having to think about my feelings.

For the second night in a row, I lay awake, their face flashing through my mind again and again and again. Guilt, fury, and shame all curled together in my gut, heavy as lead, weighing me down into the bed but keeping sleep at bay.

The guilt threatened to eat me alive. But the fury curled around it, hot and unrelenting, and justified every action past justification until I’m not sure what was right and what was wrong. Were their parents even wrong? Or mine? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I went about it the wrong way.

Then came the shame. It was like fog, seeping into my chest, dousing the flames and filling my lungs. Making me choke on its lingering bitterness. If I had just kept my **** mouth shut, it would’ve been fine. Or maybe if I’d been bolder, I could’ve made a stand.

And once again, guilt spread through my gut, long fingers of ice scratching down my spine. I winced, dragging my pillow down over my face. All this thought about rights and wrongs...

It exhausts me in every sense of the word. My chest ached, their face appearing in my mind yet again. Were they just as torn, just as unsure as I was right now?

Guilt, fury, shame. The cycle continued. With a long, heavy sigh, I sit up; I guess I’m  not going to get much sleep tonight.

But what else is new.

I awoke because fireflies buzzed in my lungs.
And I didn’t dare open my lips, lest the light spill from inside in a deluge of meaningless stuttering sentences that would never accurately explain the love I felt.
Instead it filled my chest,
molten gold pressing against my ribcage,
and I breathed as well as I could through the honeyed glow as I watched you sleep.
This was my favorite of their many faces:
no boisterous mask, no fire laced beneath their words, flames built to comfort or burn or blaze bright, blinding.
Without their mask, they seemed… human

Without their mask, they were beautiful.

like a little kid,
the sensations overwhelm me,
frustration and love and hurt and longing.
tears build up in the corners of my eyes,
as pleasure overwhelms me.
but you're not here
so i cry in my pain all night

im so tired of not being okay

It feels like parts of you are slipping through my grasp,
and all I can hold onto is a vague fog,
deepening around me.
I wake up, your touch on my skin, your name coming through my stuttered breaths.
And I don’t really know if it hurts less, or it just hurts differently.

Lately all I do
Is relearn how much I can miss you.
Every enjoyment orbited by bittersweet memories,
Every memory evoking a night of sobbing so hard I can't breathe,
Till I can't think.
I miss you so much.
I don't know if it'll ever stop,
because every pain just becomes replaced with a different one.
What we had was so beautiful.

You affected me,
Like sunlight affects the dust,
You took a grey, dull thing,
And made it magical.

i left it in the band hallway,
so it was stolen,
by someone i pass everyday,
they used my card,
but i do not know if they took everything.
I hope they left behind the rest.

i miss you so much that the sun hurts my heart because it reminds me of you

roses are red,
violets are blue,
these monsters,
are just memories of me and you.

What *******.
Life will slam a million doors in your face.
I'm not gonna wait around for the "right door" to open,
If I know the path God has made for me,
is through the door Satan just closed,
You better **** well believe,
I'll open it again.

im so so sorry

a scream down an empty hallway.
that's what it feels to think about it.
as broken air conditioner hums along,
the darkness shrouding the actions of a man I did not know,
who's hands were in places they didn't belong,
and I wonder if that night from my childhood,
will ever really be gone.
I couldn't say no,
If I didn't know what was going on.

do you remember those videos you sent?
you would be singing in the car,
and your little siblings would be in the back.
You showed me small moments of your life,
shared a piece of the universe that makes up you.
I never told you,
that those really did mean the world to me.

I still love you.
I'll love you even from a million miles away,
even years from that last time we talked.


even from a different embrace.

Am I still your sunshine?
Can you still love me?
I’ve never stopped loving you.
And if I’m being honest, I don’t think I ever will.

If I could create a swirling haze,
I think I’d keep you right here.
In a hidden dream, (will it ever really be clear?)
….
……
And yet,
I still go looking for you in the space between,
Watching sunlight pour through leaves.

Can we ever go back,
to when you sang me to sleep?
Can I reach through,
to a time of hidden memories?

If you’d stay here, I’d put your head on my lap,
And stay with you through it all.
I’d give you the breath in my lungs,
And watch you shatter my heart,
If only to see you again.

I hope you never lose the fire you hold inside you.

I'm not giving up on you.
I'm not in denial anymore,
and I know that everyone expects me to move on.

Parks,
Libraries,
Your room,
A lake.

These are the places in your life where society does not expect you to spend money. You simply go there to be.

You remind me of glass,
your laugh a clear clink of shimmering crystal,
your heart filled with scraping shards.
Thank you for reminding me,
that people too can break,
and mirrors can hold memories.

I don't want to heal,
if it means losing the last thing I have left of you.

I rather get a text from you,
saying "I miss you"
then a text confessing
"I love you."
from anyone else.

An apology without change,
is just manipulation.

I love you, but I can wait till your rule over my life ends.

I still miss you.








god, how I miss you.

a lovely angel girl,
who fell in love with a beautiful human.
The girl eventually broke and fell and searched,
but she could not find her human, no matter how she tried.
so she wandered.
they say she got lost,
walking farther,
                            and  f a r t h e r,
                                                        and   f  a  r  t  h  e  r.

should i keep it?
or should i cut it?

you don't know what you'll become,
but i promise it's worth it.
This world has made you strong and kind.
oh, what a wondrous thing,
to say,
"i fell apart, and survived."

yes, you'll be okay.

i'll see you again,
when the god above,
decides it's time
for our paths
to cross
again.

you loved the smell of the flowers I bloomed,
and called your love unconditional,
but when I showed my roots,
you burned them,
only to watch me squirm.

please know that.

I have always  tried my best to share my world,
painting, writing, sketching.
But you weren't an artist.
You felt untalented.
but, my dear Melilla,
you were the   a r t

just lie down on the smooth soil,
and rest beneath these grey clouds.
feel the rain pound your body,
and listen to its rhythmic sound.
You breathe in and out,
the sky capturing your breath,
but for once,
you do not notice,
and your veins dance with life.
you are calm, as the vines creep beneath you,
slowly pushing, tearing at flesh that was once theirs.
plants begin to burrow through your skin,
sprouting out your mouth,
your chest,
your arms.
Blooming up to the calming sky,
flowers stealing your life away,
so you can rest.