I sleep.
I wake up.
I toss.
I turn.
Just to try to fall asleep again.
Fall into this realm of fantasy.
Where my dreams of the unconscious reality of what could be happening in reality.
I’m going to go off tangent than it needs to be.
I’m with you but why do I feel so far?
Why do I feel your heart and mind is million miles out of reach from me?
I miss you dearly
But
I know I shouldn’t be afraid to lose you.
I shouldn’t be preparing myself to feel you walking away from me.
I feel alone
And
I just want you near me.
To hold me.
To tell me that I will be fine.
To remind me I am not alone.

Leave me breathless.
Take away my sorrows just one night.
Hold me like no other just this one night.

That's all I want at this moment.
Take away the deep emotions that my body is going through just for one night.
Let me feel the joy of life that has been given to me.
​

What I feel in my heart is unloved.
The feeling of being loved.
She didn't teach me what or how love is
so when I felt the love I loved hard.

I gave them my everything
that I gave too much to the wrong ones.
I learned through my life to not give too much
but it is hard.

With so many stabs.
With so many scares.
I am afraid to open up again.
I don't want to reach out.
I will rather be alone.

With my eyes, I feel sadness within.

So deeply. That when I write it makes me wants to cry.

Three years now.
Battling just to get the pain to be less. To get new knees that has been worn and torn by a disease.
To be able to walk with less pain.
To feel free just a bit more.

First was to find a doctor.
You heard third time the charm.
Found a surgeon who could fix the unknown damages from an absolute mess of another.
You know it's just normal to not be able to use a knee the way it was meant to be use. You know to bend or straight when it was necessary. Your body can handle the adjustments just a bit more.
Only took almost a year to find.
Now the wait of approval from FDA and insurance?

Just stiffness in the morning. No biggie. More pain meds. No biggie either.
The call came in. A voice said it's approved. Yeppie!!
Only a year later of waiting.
Papers signed. Now the date of surgery.
But first. Get the medical clearance. No worries. Easy pisey. Okay. Date set.
You know only about couple days for the big day.
Oh! A voice came in. Insurance didn't approve the surgery just yet.
Say what?!? Tears flow down as the voice speak.  
Hope was shot down like piercing a hole into a heart.
It's okay the voice said. Don't give up on me yet. It will happen! Be patient please. Yea patient is the key. That's all I've given to you was patient. Anger boils within.

Time has past. More pain around the knee. You know the normal wear and tear of the disease. It's okay. You are strong. You can do it. Been dealing with it your whole life.
It's the voice. Finally good news. Insurance approved!
Only half a year later. Okay. The process of medical clearance again.

Office visit.
Talk with the voices about surgery. Sign more papers. Know every single detail. Happy faces. Good vibes. Only took us two years to get here. Finally the big day has finally happening soon. Give hugs and smiles.
Driving to work. The voice appeared on the phone.
Stare at the phone wondering why. Answered. Voice said bad news. There was miscommunication with company of the implant and the voices.

Say what?!?
You know how many times can hope and faith be ripped out of you? Devasted. Burned to the core.
Broken. Faith was lost. Holding the breakage of the tears. Got to work. Tears flew like a water. Anger boiling like an exploding volcano. That's it. I'm done. No more faith. This isn't happening anytime soon. Dreams were pushed back further. Just continue to live life. Continue college. Graduation is coming soon. You don't need the new knees jsut yet.

More pain appeared each day.
All this battle just to get this surgery. What does one single person have to fight through just to get this? Is there hope in me to continue to wait? It's only three years. How many more just to feel less pain? Now more waiting.

Silence grew upon me.
Don't want to feel.
Don't want to express.
But most of all didn't want to write.

The one thing that keeps me sane.
That helps me let go or experience the feel of emotions.
But now the emotions are too much for me wanting to feel.
Irritated when one tries to speak with me.
Annoyed that I am feeling this way.

Silence is all I want.
To be alone.
To not associate with another.
To just be me.
Be on my own world.
Suppress the emotions that comes towards my way.

Writing seems to not help me like before.
The thoughts are jumble.
The feels are irritating.
The emotions is just full of crap.

How do I manage to escape this?
How do I manage to move on from this?
How do I manage to accept this?
Because I never asked to feel this way
And silence is what feels the best at this.

It's gotten bad.
To the point that I let the emotions consume me.
Consume me from writing the ink.
I wanted to supress my feels.
I wasn't ready to let waves of emotions come through my body.

I didn't want to feel anymore.
I didn't want to share my love to another anymore.
Too hurt to feel the emotions.
I wanted to be alone.
I wanted to be silent.

Felt like I wasn't enough to feel human.
Tired of the fire burning inside.
But.
I know.
I need.
To let go.
I have to feel it.
Let the words come through my fingertips.

But I was afraid of the ink.
Afriad that if the ink is expressed.
I will feel the depression.
The anger.
The fire.
The anxiety.

It all grown upon me.
Like soliders attacking the enemy.
When will it stop.
At the pit of the throat, piles of innocent ink fill the hole.
Trying to escape.

And maybe now I am ready to let the ink flow through my body.