Why is during this month is the toughest for me?

It’s the first month of the year
And I feel I struggle the most with myself
With my mental health

I can’t seem to not let the past pain get to me but it does
I’m angry with myself
Angry that I seem to put her first before myself
That I’m always thinking about her
That is who I want to be near
Her side
Know what is she doing
Can I be there too?
Can I be there just to have your company
Can’t I?

Angry that I haven’t gone farther than I should
Always spending since it helps relieve some pain that I don’t have much
To relieve the feeling of not feeling loved

Angry that I can’t seem to look myself in the mirror

Clothes cover the flaws but the flaws are still there
Angry as of why was I made like this
Made with a sensitive heart
Made with such a big heart

The **** feeling of wanting to cry
The tears flow but still feel deep cut

Angry that Im letting this get over me
To take over my sleep

Angry that at the end of the day I think of her or another her
But mostly her

I don’t get it
My emotions
My feelings
My heart

01.08.2020

When did it change?
When did the bond between us become different?

It became different when the things we used to do shifted into a different relationship with someone else
Not our relationship

Someone else
Who made me feel he was better than me
Better than our relationship
Better with you
Better with our friendship
Someone else
who you  can talk with

And now

The things we did
You do it with someone else
Someone else
That you stayed up with to talk to
Someone else
To watch tv shows with you
Someone else
To do the things we did before
Someone else who is allowed to give you hugs

It’s different now because I feel I’m the second choice now
When things become hard for y’all
That’s when you want to pay attention to us

I want to be done
I want to be done with the feelings of unsureness of us
I don’t want to keep coming to your side at your weakness point because of y’all had a bad time

I can’t keep coming to your side
I can’t keep giving you what he can’t
Because I have given you from the start everything I could offer

And now what am I for you?

01.08.2020

I feel my heart breaking over and over again
The emotions coming through like a tsunami
The tears wanting to be free

It hurts
It aches
It burns

I can’t stand it

I just want to unfeel
Unsee
Undo

I just want to leave

Laying in this bed. Thinking.
Thinking about why this or why that.
Staring up at the ceiling wondering.
Wondering why do we linger on the past.
Why do we hold onto something that is gone?
Why is it hard for us, humans, to let go and start something new.
Start something fresh.
Why linger on the past that has hurt us?
Why do we linger on the pain?
The pain is deep.
So deep it turns in to scars.
Why don't we hold on to the good memories?
The good memories that would give chills up out spine because of the joy.
Or the ones that give light in our eyes?
Or the ones that give us laughter to share?
Silence.
Darkness.
Is what fill the space around me.
Time for me to think but not at the right moment
Because I should be sleeping.

02.10.19

A heart
A heart is an *****.
An ***** that holds all emotional connections to another specie.
An ***** that give lives through the body of a specie.
An ***** that creates emotional connections with a lover, a partner, a friend or fue.
An ***** that supplies blood through the body in order to be alive and feel.
A heart in which humans have developed to be value because of love and emotions.
This heart of ours once fully functional to understand love has been through the highs and lows.
The pathway to greatness.
The feeling of high on life.
The feeling of scars that are healed with generous memories.
So value that one would protect the heart with walls.
That without it how could one love?
How could one trade emotional contact with a lover?
The walls surround the heart from pain.
But the walls can't be strong enough just for protection.
When the heart is connected with the mind in which binds emotional life to other species.
The heart of them all.
That binds us to love.
Binds us to live.
What are we without it?

02.12.19

Tell me why I'm feeling like this. With my chest feeling heavy.
With my mind thinking all over the place.
I shouldn't be feeling like this.  Feeling like it's unfair.
Like why? Why can't I let my love for you go?
With my heart thriving for someone that I could never have.
With my heart being crazy that's affecting my mind.
What am I kidding?
Always wanting someone that would never be mine.
Take a grip already and move on. Let go.
Who am I kidding?
You were my first true love if I'm honest.
Before him.
Before her.
You always held a grip on my heart that rushes to my blood into my head.
You don't know even know what power you have over me.
You don't even know that I could never move on if I don't let go you go completely.
I am here mostly for you.
To be by your side. To know you are thriving your best.
Because I don't want to let you go.
Seeing you with other shutters me intensively.
With my mind and heart clashing with another that my body is shattered between space.
Irritation among them all because you don't know.
You think you know but you don't.
Will you ever know the power you have over my heart?
Will I ever be able to move on from you?
Am I so naive to keep a light on hoping that maybe us can become something real?
Am I so naive to think I can keep going like this?
The power you have over me and you will never know what you do to me...

04.19.19

I sleep.
I wake up.
I toss.
I turn.
Just to try to fall asleep again.
Fall into this realm of fantasy.
Where my dreams of the unconscious reality of what could be happening in reality.
I’m going to go off tangent than it needs to be.
I’m with you but why do I feel so far?
Why do I feel your heart and mind is million miles out of reach from me?
I miss you dearly
But
I know I shouldn’t be afraid to lose you.
I shouldn’t be preparing myself to feel you walking away from me.
I feel alone
And
I just want you near me.
To hold me.
To tell me that I will be fine.
To remind me I am not alone.