As these thoughts
Sink into my head,
Keeping me up
In my bed,
All I feel
Is that I was played,
Used and abused,
I hear your
Voice in my head,
It's hot and angry
And it says,
"I'll never forgive you."
All I know deep down
Is all I did was love you,
It moved way too fast
And something always
Didn't feel right.
It wasn't until I began
Driving away that I realized
That you are the monster
I had to run from.
The feeling that I can't let go of
Is that no-one would ever
Believe me if I told
The true story.
I had to be brave and share this poem. The reason I haven't been on this site for a while is that I became involved in a new relationship about seven months ago, and I should have known better. It moved way too fast and it felt so right at first but then I began to feel that something was off and kept ignoring the signs. Now I realize that I was being used, controlled, manipulated, gaslighted, and abused (Mainly verbally but in subtle physical ways). I kept telling myself the reason I hadn't blogged in a while was because I was in the honey moon phase of a relationship when in reality someone was controlling me to the point where I lost my identity. I thought I had learned, but at least I escaped... last week I left the apartment I shared with him, and felt like it was scary beyond what I can explain that would make sense to anyone. Grateful to be safe now. Drove 2,500 miles with my kitties. Will have to find yet another new job but safety is the most important thing. If I tried to explain what happened in the last few months, I feel that no one would ever believe me because it would all sound too crazy and he constantly made himself out to be the victim/good guy in front of his friends/family. I felt like my head was constantly under water...nothing I could say or do, trapped and always uncomfortable. I want to write more about it now and at the same time I'm hesitant. I am sharing this not only to release what is inside of me but also in case I can reach any other victims of domestic violence out there. I now know that the only option is to get out before it is too late! <3
https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/