who were you before your brother broke your heart for the first time when you were nine years old?
how much hope shone through your bright brown eyes before you realized your mom was human too?
and she could lie,
and she could break your heart,
and she could show you for the first time in your life why trusting someone is so terrifying.

who were you before?
before your father could barely look you in the eyes
because he didn't care to understand the pain you tried so hard to keep inside.
it destroyed you,
but you destroyed him.

the ones who say love isn't real.
i don't think they've ever been talking about a silly boy or girl.
i don't think a relationship has ever crossed their mind when their chest strains to beat through the tears.
i don't think they ever got the chance to form that bond,
just to feel it break.

i think they were too busy picking up the pieces,
broken on the floor of the house they were raised in all those years,
with the people who were supposed to show them what love is.

i think they know what it isn't.

Sun dried pages of a book
you've carried around
long before the first day
your father picked you up
and you felt what it meant to be free.

The cover scratched
from the cobblestone walkway
leading up to your front door,
the one where mom always greeted you
with a smile that defined the meaning of home.

Coffee stained corners
from the first all nighter you pulled,
the day you learned
to keep your thoughts tucked away inside your bag
instead of out in the open where drinks and feelings are easily spilled.

Two covers stuffed
with a life times worth of letters
arranged into stories
that haven't felt like your own in years.

Paper filled with unfamiliar feelings
flee your fingertips and you realize,
you haven't been concerned
with holding on for a while now anyway.

Sometimes the pages stop making sense,
and all that's left to do
is drop the book completely
and create a new one.

                And you use what you learned,
                                    but leave it behind

I nearly pushed you
into the train, before realizing
that dragging you
onto the tracks with me,
wouldn't stop the collision
I was wishing someone
could help me escape.


I did not realized I had been pushing you away until I had nearly lost you.

you used to tell me
I let people walk all over me.
I guess I didn't listen,
so you thought you'd show me instead.
I guess you were right.

People get tired of you being sad,
and they leave,
even after promising they wouldn't.
Because who would want to stick around sorting through your mess
when you can't even find the strength to get through it yourself.
-- whether you like it or not, you must deal with the hard stuff, alone.

Im afraid my head will never stop spinning
Spinning 
Like a merry go round of what ifs 
Only faster
Like the tea cups we used to ride as kids
But less exciting
Because I cant feel
only fear
Because theres no safety bar
And wait
I never waited in line 
How am I here
Spinning 
Let me off 
I cant see
Only spinning
But wait
How am I here
Its the merry go round
Spinning slowly
You're okay
Its not a ride
You're in bed

Its your head
You're okay

you were just one wave on a never ending beach but God am I so thankful to have had the pleasure of watching you come and go

I search for you in passing cars
hoping maybe the universe
is fighting for us
harder than you are

Got a little messed up on soft drinks and turns out fighting the instinct to call you is a lot harder than the liquor I mixed.

I stood on the beach
watching the high tide waves mercilessly crashing into the boardwalk.
I wondered how long the wooden polls would sustain such violence.
The waves made me think of you

--- you never did realize what you were capable of ---

I hope you learn.
And I hope it's only after you've lost
every
*******
person you didn't realize you never wanted to lose
until it's too
*******
late.

Good people deserve better than ******* who seek to capture your beauty for a dying week
instead of admiring you
for a lifetime

If you're not careful,
your selfishness will destroy your world
And if you don't believe me,
Just wait until you've stolen every sunflower from its' roots
And suddenly
you're left in a graveyard
full
of all the love you refused
to reciprocate.

I never thought the past five years were pointless,
but I am starting to think I would've saved myself a lot of time
had I known we'd end up like this.

human nature,
is to cling to the past

for it is much easier to fight a villain
whom we've already known

in movies
you are a hero

in life
you are a coward

Anxiety slips into even the smallest cracks of our lives.

They tell you to be positive.
And you think that you are.

Until one day you're driving
and you realize your whole life
you've been slowing down at green lights
simply because
they're bound to turn yellow
soon enough.

I have witnessed a person break right in front of me. Break. And I remember the crack of a broken voice, the gasps for fleeing oxygen, the stone cold stare of pain...
It's funny... there have been many a tragedy in this cruel world. I have seen beautiful buildings, now rubble and ash. Entire forests, now ablaze, the smell of smoke intoxicating the air. Cities, submerged by oceans. The earth itself - split -like a piece of paper.
Isn't it funny? Or is it strange? How buildings, forests, cities, the planet we live on --- crumble before us and may never be repaired.
And yet, I have witnessed a person, break. Only to face the world the next morning without even a visible scar.
~ I remember my high school English teacher's words, "Humans, they have the innate ability to cope with unpleasantness." ~

It is like being in a room
where everything else is on fire
but you just won't seem to
ignite.

please, let it end

And just because you're broken
doesn't mean that you don't work
cuz I still play some records
even though they skip some words
see it's not about the lyrics
as much as it's about the chords
cuz your music will keep on beating
even after your heart cannot.

People are not ******* cars
you don't just get to rent one while yours is in the shop and trade them in for something better.
~ I was brand ******* new and now I'm used and damaged because of you ~

Whiskey stained breathe
won't make you any stronger
your cigarette smoked lips
won't last much longer

She wasn't like the drugs they warn you about, she wasn't addictive.
She was like taking a picture of a beautiful sunset,
too good to resist.

Somewhere between the loud sighs and louder screams,
all love
had been lost
and
suddenly
silence cried out,
"There's nothing left to fight for."

they told us not to do drugs because they're bad for us but maybe they were just scared because they knew once we escaped our ****** worlds we wouldn't ever want to go back

so she said less and less,
and as the sound of her shattering heart consumed her
she felt as if all other noise was drowned out.
Because between the muffled beats
there was no time to listen to anything else.

I'm not sure whether or not the tree that fell in the woods made a sound, but I know the sound my heart made as it broke was real. and the tears I cried were too.
But I'm not sure if any of that matters...
     because if no one is around to see you fall to pieces,
                                      did it ever
                                                            ­ really
                                                          ­                  happen?

She did not want to die,
no,
quite the opposite had been true.
Rather
she wanted to live
in such a way as to prove:
you can't **** her spirit
if she's got nothing to lose.

I have half assed memories
of mostly slurred words,
tempting me
with the curious thought:
how strange is it that our biggest fears
are centered largely
around others.
How ironic.
The sober neglect this,
But
In whisky kissed souls
these truths
cling deep.

But no combination of words would ever do any justice to the perfect entanglement of thoughts hanging over her conscious, picking apart her mind, eating her alive.