I love him
I tell myself
I know that
We will be together forever
I don’t believe that
We could be separated
My thoughts tell me that
He’s the love of my life
Sometimes my heart lies and says
I could live an eternity
Without him
Like my friends say
“We’re perfect for each other”
And you can’t tell me
He’s not the one.

Now read from bottom to top.

b r e a t h e
he says

i open my eyes
barely recognizing
all those people around me

he takes my hand,
the familiar touch of it
a tingling sensation
making my heart do a tiny, little dance
a smile creeping up in my face

b r e a t h e
he whispers.


it’s all going to be okay.

In every sweaty faced, teary eyed, frizzy haired argument I found myself facing you in,
I never once failed to crumple to my core,
Like waves carrying immense riptides you dragged me in every room around the house by the hair, by the shirt, by the neck, by the wrist,
Like a ******* dog you had me,
wrapped around the leash closely bound by your fists,
And no matter how far I may stray from you,
How long gone I want to think the distant memory of you is
I can still feel you tugging on the chain never fully unlatched,
I listen to your voicemails, I decline your calls by hand,

You are the juggernaut of my fears,
the final boss I can not face
Every time you raise your voice I find myself as a little girl again,
those big dumb blue eyes that didn't ******* understand,
When I looked at you I hurt so deeply inside,
When I look at you I hurt so deeply inside
We both know I'm not busy
We both know I'm avoiding you
But when I listen to your voicemails alone in my room
I feel like that little girl again who wants just so desperately to believe you love me,
you loved me
That you're actually miss me
But I still feel the ghost pains from every smack, slam, and blow
so when I don't answer the phone understand, I'm fighting back everything in me to not answer and let you know,
I don't care if you have, will, or plan to change
The time I granted you to do so is
long gone,
I'm standing up for the me who had not yet learned to love her now callused shell

A taste grows in my mouth,
the longer I stare,
like battery acid it pools,

At the sight of a loving father,
I find my stomach turning

I know it is but only my jealous heart,
This bitter taste so familiar,
sour it is indeed

I feel as if ill never heal this aching pain
of something I've never had

like an itch on an absent limb,
I have discovered,
nothing can quite scratch it right

I reach out
     until my ******* tendons
snap
     and you just watch
standing inches away
     mocking me,
*******