here is the thing.
I have you. I wanted you for a while. But now that she's here.
it's difficult.
she's great.
but
she won't defend me.
she doesn't show affection.
I sound ungrateful, I know
she lets me be hurt by the ones that don't love her.
I can't even deal with myself anymore.
so how can anyone else?
she still yearns for the love of her past lovers
she says "I need you"
"I miss you"
"luv u"
"gn"
:(
"I look for you in every girl I talk with"
*******.
I gave you everything.
ambition
attention
breaks
boosters
credit
congratulat­ions
Danishes, your favorite
determination
energy
efficiency
flowers
forgiveness
grac­e
gold
hugs
hundreds of homemade gifts
isolation
information
jokes
jams
kisses
kinetic sand, for fidgeting
love letters
leisure
myself
memories
nestling dolls
notes
openness
opal
prizes
praise
questions
quick texts back
rest
remedies
smiles
serenity
treasures
time
undivided attention
unconditional love
variety
videos
worlds of creation
worlds of destruction
X's
Xenial
yarn for your cats
yummy food and drink
Zen
Zealous
and you couldn't even make me a card.

I want you to listen to me
You hear me
But you don't listen
I call and shout for you to notice me
You tell me
"Quiet down"
Listen to me.
I want you to run your fingers through my hair
Like running your hands through the crystal ocean water
I want you to call me
"Mine"
I want to be
Yours
I want you to notice me
Only me
I am selfish
That is who I am
That is what I've become
I ate all the love and turn
Jealous.
J
E
A
L
O
U
S
What's wrong? They won't notice you?
What can you do about it?
Nothing!
Never!
Ever!
No!
I want you to want me
I want you to hate everyone else
But me
That's too much to ask I know.
I give you everything.
Gifts
Hugs
Care
Kisses
Reassurance
My body
My mental health
And what do you give me?
Worry.
That you have eyes
For another
They are perfect.
Stunning.
I am ashamed
I am fat
I am skinny
I am mean
I am kind
I am mature
I am immature
I am ugly
I am pretty
I need help
No
You
Don't.
Go **** yourself everyone says
That's just life everyone says
That's why I rather be dead
I try
So hard
No one knows
It's too much for me
I can't do it I can't.
I try so hard
But know one sees
I hate you.
Please love me.

Do you know who they are?
Or do you know their name.

Would you notice me if I was
blonde with blue eyes?
Slimmer waste?
Smaller ribcage?
Bigger chest?
Bigger ***?
A thigh gap?
No rolls when I sit down and bend over?
Long pin straight hair?
Smaller shoulders?
Less acne?
Straighter teeth?
Pearly white as bright as the moon?
On a night when I ache for you.
Where I wish all my insecurities were gone and you could hold me till noon?

You would lose a daughter
A sister
A best friend
A friend
An enemy
A cousin
A granddaughter
Would you regret the time you left me
Crying
After you
Screamed
Would you finally notice what I've been going through?
The rope around my neck.
The knife in my heart.
The river I jumped from.
The cliff I fell from.
The hole in my chest or head.
When my meds all disappear.
Even though it's not time to get them refilled.
Would you miss me every time you pass my room?
When you see my favorite snacks?
When you pass my school?
Calling my friends about what happened?
Framing the letters with tear spots and running ink
Would you think it's your fault?
Would it have mattered if I was never born
When the cat and the dog whine in front of my door
Wondering
Where's Kelsea?
Just wanting to cuddle and nap a few more times
Do you regret not saying goodbye?
How your words dug into my heart.
Where the knife now is.
Would you cry at my funeral
And invite all the people you chose over me?
...
You can't remove a grain of sand.
Without effecting the rest.
988.
Was the last call
In my phone log.
After the 14 declined calls.
From mom.

i want you
to know who i am
i want you
to see my dripping colors
the melted rainbow inside me
i want you
to see my ugly red raw rage
my beautiful deep
blue love
my green forgiveness
and sympathy
my purple
rational thinking
my logic
feel my point of view
like a prism
and i want you
to hear my voice
when i sing
i want you to
listen to my songs
and i want
your real
opinion.

all i want is
to listen to music with you.

How many times,
Do I have to say,
I want to love you,
Before you hear me bae?