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Hazel Redwood Jul 2020
Sitting here in this room
Listening to the ignorance hit my ears.
I start drowning out the sounds of your voices and I sit here wishing I could disappear.
Toxicity city is where this goes,  in your home and around you to.  I sit here getting ready to drown out the argument to be said.
Fight after fight all I hear is the defeat in both of your voices. Driving me to tears because I can't focus. Its the same old pity me song and it's driving me insane, I have no clue how you cope with this pain.  

I look around me and all I can feel is the disgust and anger vibrating through both of your voices into my ears, my brain cringing from what I hear. Looks of disgust and tears of disappointment hitting the corner of your eyes I can see. The frustration feels so deep.
Wishing I was a stranger to the words hitting my ears. For days the same argument has taken place. Now a new one begins. More personal and attacking me. I cant believe the **** i hear. You have so much work to do on yourself it is pitiful, I'm angry and sad and miserable. I close my eyes to regain self control. I want nothing more then to grab you by the throat and whisper in your ears, your toxic and annoying and no one cares..
Wishing I could comfort you as the tears hit my tear ducts.
I focus on the sunburn on my spine, the burning tingly sensation running to my shoulders shifting my focus.  . Droning out the voices that are screaming in front of me.
The words so full of venom as they are spit out.

I sit here wanting to reach out to you to hold you and let you cry. I want to grab your hand and tell you it's alright.
Wanting nothing more then to be there for you. But I cant because this woman I don't recognize anymore she was supposed to be my best friend and I look at her now , I
truly am disgusted, emotions hallowed from time to time just to distort the bond she has on you. as she sits here screaming her lies her insecurities are nothing but of her own making. Her own personal demons she has to slay them.. she won't listen to what I am saying Needing to start a fight day in and day out she sits here wondering what you are doing wrong. And all I can think to myself is holy cow. When did this relationship turn so toxic. All I want to do is rewind it for your own sake. Knowing I can't and the damage is done. I bite my tongue.
If it weren't for me pushing for your relationship to work, I know months ago it would have died. For i am the one keeping your relationship alive the best I can, but maybe that's the problem.  I can't fix it not you nor him.  The damage is done between the two of you,  all i can do is sit back and wait on the two of you.  . Yet now I wonder if it is just better to let it go. My dude friend this is the Toxicity show.

The hurt the sadness the pain the loneliness I feel it in my soul.
The blame game continues on and i sit here looking at the time. Wondering when the **** can i go home.
Your woman was supposed to be my best friend, but she lost that respect the day I tried to make your life full of a few smiles I sit here wondering why your making him try to feel guilty for having a good time ,but then I realize the toxicity coming from your mouth is just a way for you to try and control the situation to be honest ***** ya sound crazy, trying to control the script of the book called life. Your self-esteem is so low that it makes me sad because of the way you are, at first I felt pity but now.  I feel hallowed in the soul, this atrocity playing out in front of me. . Your taking your problems out on the people you love the most not realizing how quickly you pushed them away.  I've told you this time and again I'm not these other girls who claim to be your best friend  

Some woman are too broken and can't be fixed,  I hate to close the case,  
But not listening to the thoughts in your head is the first place you should look.
I can't help ya sis when your the problem.
I've told ya this time and again.

Always crashing me into your situation,  ripping me down the line and then abusing your position. emotionally invested realizing that its time to stop.
That the same pattern is going on,
I warned you about months ago.
Jealous of nothing but your own demons popping up, ready to roll thru the toxic habits you have formed for I cant do this anymore as I watch in horror the life you live.
Knowing your castle is crumbling around you. I have to sit back and watch you crash..
The mess you left on everyone you loved.
The arguing slows.
I need to eat so dinnertime here we go.
Hazel Redwood Aug 2019
The silence enveloping you in an eerie wait,
A sliver of hope.
A moment of fate
For a moment that you wont feel the pain.
all you do is embrace the silence. A moment of absolute bliss.
Silence getting longer, shadows non existent
For the darkness surrounds you and your eyes cant adjust your body starts to panic as you have an ephiphany
Heart beating faster then it should
Your arms numb paralyzed.
Your legs sinking into the ground
You scream out crys of desperation
Just not to be heard
For your alone in a darkened world.
Your subconcious takes over as you lay you're head down.
Even your screams are muffled to silence.
Nothing but a whoosh of air coming out of your vocal cords
Now you know what it feels like to be alone.
Your mind starts to wonder

The unnecessary evil that surrounds a single soul.
How do you let it go?
Unjust rulers in this world.
Dominate the population and control you from within. You dont even see it. Your drug epidemic is just the begining. Thinning out the population around you.
Starving people day and night. Homeless men becoming a sore sight.
Or laughed at for their circumatanceses. Cause no one helped them when they had tried to help the world aroumd them

Incarcerated souls for a misdeamoner
People in jail for ****** even if it was juat self defense
A board of people deciding the fate of a womans life
They know nothing other then her kids at home with her grandmother while she was visciously ripped away the screaming faces remain in her eyelids day or night she cant think straight.
All because of self defense a man ****** her who she was trying to leave. As he beat her
She finally had enough picked up the lamp beside her and hit him in the skull.
Blood gushing everywhere as the man went limp.
She needed it to be over
Survival kicking in.
Got her 20 to life because it was her husband.

Using tactical methods to blind you to the reality around you.
By the most expensive thing
Fear tactics of never being good enough imbedded in the girl who never had anythomg
You've gotta really fit in
No nike's
Not cool
Reeboks were made for a fool
Gucci your in
Prada and your made
An addiction ready to be played
Let the Masters of the puppets surround you
Because her story is fated til the end.
Leaving her with nothing but a robbery gone wrong she stood up for those prada shoes and Jimmy choos til the end. A bullet to her head

Eventually the blinders come off and you see.
You see the people being controlled by greed.
Money the neccessary evil.
Barter and trade in my opinion. Your governments killing all of you controlling your food supply. Your not free your still a slave you see.
Government smartened up and realized that you wanted the illusion of freedom.
So why not make You work till your death make some cash while they profited off you're loss.
Best business plan in the history you see.
For your government couldnt do it without making money off the system that was put in place.
To be twisted and manipulated by corrupt souls.
Because they dont want to watch there tinest fears unfold
Putting people in power.
Making it so necessary needs cant be met. While they fly in there jet
The puppets we all became.
So whos pullimg the strings you ask.
No one knows ita just a task.

Blinded by  the tiniest sliver of golden light.
You see for yourself a desperate plight of hatred breeding around you.
Yet there really is not a thing you cando.
Didnt your god tell you not to judge.
Yet its all you do.
Your limbs go numb eventually your face and legs to
Unsure of what to do.
Your brain about to have an anuerism because its finally hitting home, this epiphany isnt just an illusion bit as reality people fail to see and if they do they dont stand there ground a revolutionary war is bound.
Your not free dont you see.
How many times have you said to yourself
"I wish i could take a day off"
More to life then this
And what i would do to sit at home

Yet even your own armed forces are blinded by what they see , fighting for a false reality of free. Its an illusion you see
For when they come home not sound of mind or body even soul.
The V.A. is underfunded and you served your country to the death.
There gping to watch you play  out the rest as they turned you into a profit and sometimes people must go.
For that paralytic you made fun of found a way to use his pistol to loose his life
Because the struggle for him was so hard.
After he lost the fight in Iran and hit a mine that blew his limbs off. They keep telling him in time

The truth the harsh reality not everyone can comprehend nor even see a glimpse of for there blinders are on.
So take them off
Your a slave to greed and so this story is soon to end.
When you see the injustice all around you.
To many people on a power trip.
To think.
Its easy.
Make her loose her grip.
Take away her balance
Make her weak.
She wont hit you because she doesnt want to be a commodity to a government so corrupt.
For empathy is no longer a thing in humanity its an emotion not many people feel
Until the moments of someone they love
Hits them for real.
The desperation that they feel.
The broken moments of time
Hearts literally hurting in a small span of moments to pass. This woman suffers from depression  .
Yet you laughed at the person before them
Going through the same but a different struggle.
Do you know what its like to have no one to love you?
Do you know the desperation one can feel when left alone in this world?
No, most of you have mom And dad a sister brother or a cousin even a lover you can turn to.
Yet no one around you is real.
I dont mean real as if they cant breathe

I mean real they say what they want and are honest with you without trying to control every fucken move you make.
Support they call it.
Yet in reality.
They just want to be able to tell you what to do.
Mastering a puppet
It could be you
But theres nothing left to break or take away.
Emotionally drained
Physically pained
Yet not one of you could open your eyes
And see the fake smile upon someones cherry Chapstick covered lips.

Nor the pain in her eyes when they thought of ones they have loved and lost. This poor girl died of suicide all alone in this messed up worls  and no one went to her funeral.
Her body went to a mass grave even a proper burial was unattained.
Empathy doesnt exist not like it used to.
The world is changing.
When people are desperately trying to survive.
You cant even look them in the eyes and truly mean everything is gonna be okay.
Why tell thwm your their
When in reality you could care less
A victim to distress you make someone when they have no one
Because even you know what its like to be emotionally paralyzed. By drugs and depression, anger and hate
Yet You forget.
You turn into a parasitic nemesis waiting to leach onto your next victim.
For now the power struggle has just begun.
Our war wont even be won.
To many standing idle
Thinking everythings going to be ok.
But in the end.
It was their struggle.
When will people stand up and make a country free again .
We are weak and afraid of our own government..
This is where the story ends

That sent them to this paralyzed moment of desperation on a cold dark bed
The light begins to shimmer and the soul inside moves on to its next life. Realizong it was all a lie.
Yet blinded by the light as it takes you away.
A moment of bliss on that fateful day.
Death by the darkness as you realize the truth.
We are all just a pupprt on a monopoly board.
Yet to terrified too stand. There ground.
Is this how it ends all around ?
Hazel Redwood Aug 2019
A moment when the soul is completly free of agony.
A moment to treasure.
A moment shared with another,
To be healed by the love of your lover.
A moment where you are carefree.
That moment can become a memory.
For you see the agony of the soul
Lies within the moments we were able to feel
So wholly
A moment where we loose control and feel our destiny.

when the rest of the world hits us on a physical level a different reality
Not realizing a cup of coffee can change the moments that were meant to be.
Now there being lost to me.
I'm in agony
Drowning in this worlds discord
Realizing our love is stronger then any mold
that this world could hold.
But in reality the crushing sound of everything around me, takes a moment
Grasping me by my chest
Making me take a deep breath.
My heart being ripped out
My vocal cords aching to scream
It's turned into a struggle one for life and one for a lover.
I can not breathe.
No where to run
I feel cornered.
Not by my love
But the demons that surround all of us.
For a lack of better wording
Yet here i am sitting on your bed
Slowly loosing control
As the tears stream down my face turning into a sob
A puddle forming on your sea blue blanket
theres no where to turn but to you
And yet your not here
Trying to find my voice

What the **** do i do.
Your advice and wise words are needed.
I need that touch that calms me from the moments i might explode.
Anxiety and fear takimg over as I face the world.
I need a moment to breathe and yet I cant
Because all i think about is those months where the worries were less.
Your not here right now and i need you.
**** this cruel hearted world because all i want is moments of bliss. Like a drug
Addicted to the thought of your touch. My soul yearns every second we had.
To go back in time and erase the arguments and sad moments
To fill them with the blissful ones.
Yet a year from now.
I can hold you.
I can touch you.
I hold on.
As i get off the side of your bed.
I realize some choices i made were to premature for me and i have nothing left to give
Trying to hold it down for 2.
Yet it's just me.
Alone and left in this ****** up world
When you come home.
I cant wait to have those blissful moments of peace just you and me
I want this agony to go away
I hate being strong but without you
By myside my whole world is falling apart.
I can hear you whisper
I love you
Be strong
Remember who you are and stand tall.
Yet in my head all i can think is how.
All I have done in this world is survive
How much longer til i get to feel alive
Moments will go by ans i will stand tall and move along but my soul is lost and my heart trembles on
Yet I am stronger with you by myside .
Day by day it will go by.
I'll be myself again until I break down and cry.
Another moment of self control lost.
Hazel Redwood Feb 2019
And the writing begins:
Why not get to know the girl that has the stars in her eyes, the earthy girl who loves to dig her feet into the grass and mud the girl that would be the first to give you a hug or wipe away your tears  if I see you upset and crying. Why not get to know the girl that has loved so deeply even after all of her trials in this life, heartache,  being broken over and over by those that she trusts the most. Left with 60 dollars a backpack and a coat. Not allowed to go home where you wanted to be all t.f hat time but pride takes you away onto that next chapter in your life.. asking the one you never wanted to what should I do. And having to run for your life. Because the ones in it have turned it into a **** show and there was no where out but somewhere you used to call home.
Why not get to know the girl that may not be from where you came from but has had to survive since she was born. Maybe I could have helped you al ok my the way.
I am strength I am a woman who thinks for herself and pleads with herself to let **** go.
I am the child that sees into your soul, and I am a helping hand where ever I am needed. I am the woman that can make you laugh on your darkest days and guide you through your darkest nights into the lights again and again. I am unfiltered and raw. Not the girl you remember because you never got to know her.
I am a warrior through everything through all the late night fights you couldn't hear behind closed doors. I am that broken woman crying in the corner because someone constantly batters her down every day in and out because your just not good enough. I am the woman who makes sure your okay and puts a smile on even though the night before. There was nothing but slamming doors and how much I ****, because everyone else mattered first. I am that girl that takes a paintbrush and paints those memories so deeply branded and trys to heal them through a paint brush. Or through the lines on a sheet of paper reminding myself I am what you have made me.
Now I am the woman who is able to face her biggest fears of being alone and accepting myself knowing I have made mistakes, of hurting those i loved the most because my retaliation of the things that were stated to me over and over again. For I am stubborn.  I am the woman who will comfort a child because they bruised there knees whether you see that in me or not is not my problem. I am emotionally raw and open and unfiltered. I am the she wolf, prideful at most. I am the woman you will never understand. Not because your a bad person but because you will never sit here as a friend nor take the time to understand, it's okay for its who you are I am complicated but because you are a man who doesnt care  to see the best in me. Or the woman who is jealous of me for absolutley no need. I am not a threat unless you make me.  I have the same problems as everyone else. The only difference is I have been alone placed on a shelf dusted off only when people need to use me whether for a recipe, or how I feel to use it against me.
But in time I have  become wise. I have learned to listen to everyone elses woes, the pain they hold inside, I will  walk away before you cause to much strife to yourself. You overthink, I learned not to most nights.
I am ME heartfelt raw emotional affectionate loving and caring kind and real. Protective. A survivor someone who will never kneel. But that's the viking you see. I learned at the end of the day, I am the only one who has my back.. There are a few in my pack.
She wolf  or sheep  
That's up to you
If you want to get to know me
For like a diamond at every angle there is a different side of me. It's up to you which side I will be.
The best part of me being me. Is it is free.
So why not get to know the woman I am for here I  stand in front of you. Waiting for your cue.
Hazel Redwood Aug 2018
When you think of me
I hope you think of my best not when others have put me through a test. Ignorance is always bliss. Rip the band aid off and leave me to bleed..
You know me,
the best I guess loved you more others less. Trusted you and well we have both failed each other's quests.
So together now let's explore what is it you see what do you adore. What do you hate can you handle more?

A joke, a laugh a gas giggling moment i guess so riddle me this over again
Lets start this midnight quest
Lets begin:

When you think of me
What do you see?
Am I someone weak or strong
pretty or not
Old or young
Good enough
Or less
I putting you through your own test
Someone who's just a thot
Or do you find me hot
**** and *** a blessing in disguise I guess.
When you think of me
What do you feel ?
Be real
Haha meh nothing
Or more like
Disappointment and confusion
Am I like a Contusion a bruise on your elbow . Just plain annoying
Truly you know I'm not always mellow

Ah ha got it
Nothing you see
For to you I'm crazy
When you think of me ?
A smile or a frown
Do I let you down
Do I bring you up
I can fix your crown
King or queen
an ace I am
I really do love strawberry jam
Chocolate or chips
Sweet or sassy
When you think of me
Is it fleeting like lightening
Or just a moment that flashes by
A quick glimpse of a smile
a wink of an eye
Or a frown of discernment ?
Better yet a tear of disappointment
Rare to find joy behind those eyes.
Its my fault
Great disguise.
When you see me what do you see?
Pretty face
Nice *** and ****
Or a personality
Ahh not your eyes love-
But deep inside me,
What do you really feel?
When you touch me -
Does it make you smile
Do you feel relaxed
maybe a little wild
Nevermind you might be disgusted

When you love me
Is it because your lonely.
Am I just a body for warmth at night
Are you demons running away when I slide under the sheets to stay
Or do you only care when no one is in sight. Your ***** little secret maybe to embarrassed to diaplay
Affection is like a disease to you.
More like an affliction or two.
Like it once maybe twice but thrice you hate me.. Turn to stand and walk away.
Just a toy for today.

Does Your heart skip a beat in your chest
Is there something there,
In that heart of yours
Dusty and boarded I cant see enough.
I guess my life got pretty tough
Do you see you or just the worst in me
Nevermind the answer
I will tell you what I see.
it is me after all,
Breaking it down like a wrecking ball?
Why me!
question number one I'm nothing special
What CAN I see
I don't compare to your ex's Never claimed to be the best
I know I'm better then your last.
One of a kind made here in the USA
My grade would be an A
I'm nothing more then a jokeTo you and your closest friends
Pick on me point at me make me feel less. **** me off. Let's see what it takes.. To make her
Runaway its a joke
I guess I'm to easy
shes crazy you say!!
We love her
But not really ..
Talking **** sitting next to me
Scoff some more
now I am dying laughing on the floor
a game its become to see
Who hurts the most.
Aye keep it going  
running away you made it work
Who could love me
Me of course

Protective jealous
A rage maybe
I guess its all in what you want
Just not your type
At least on the outside
Or for your heart
The Worst I guess
At least from you to me

A little cuddly
I know
No self worth
Entertainment of course
Clothes on or off today?
Making me feel like a *****
your not  just any guy
Nothing more then a hypocrite
I love my chocolate pie
I love to watch people
***** looks
******* again
I laugh at you as you throw the hook
Loving life
Its best for us
To bad we would rather choke
Sometimes I wonder
Maybe its not right
Im not Just a *****
My legs don't spread for anyone
Probably to ***** for most
But it's kind of fun.

I hope this isnt the side that you adore
For I can be
Selfish and mean
Callous and cold
Calculating and vindictive
To those who hurt me
Too professional at times
**** it blurred lines
Dont know how to smile
All the time
Resting ***** face
Clean and clear
No wrinkles to erase
Keeps the skin clear
Sometimes I lie because I dont want to hurt you.

I want you to run, so you can't attack my pride.
Hurt me like the rest,
Its the ultimate test
Win or loose
Its up to you
Let's compare
I'll run and hide
I don't like taking sides

I guess I'm a gem when I'm not my worst self
Caring loving sweet and a pretty face to see nice *** and **** a display of art i guess
scared lonely  this world will drive a sane person crazy.
Why do I care
I'm just me.
Someone to always wear her heart on her sleeve
The way to get hurt I do believe
At least its me being real

i Cry and weep
sob and sleep
What's wrong with me
I'm not the worst person can't you see
Lessons learned
But never enough
For I'm changing day to day another moment another way
Another lesson learned
Time to sway far
Yet near
Not loosing myself again dear.
I promise one day I might be good enough.

Until then I hope you get your jokes worth.
Til the end
I try to change daily and be the best me. Not good enough for you I see
You have no pride in me  Locked away in a closet like a prize doll to take out and play with,
Til your done then toss me back..

I'm not just here to please you
I am here to
love and please me
No heart attacks
Let's be blunt and real
  leave me here to bleed.
Hatred is a harmful seed
Now enjoy the night
These words are done
Have some fun
******* and the horse you rode in on.
Bleeding the bandaids gone
narcissistic love
I have watched so many people in a narcissistic relationship loose them selves and feel crazy.. Some of the thoughts that run through the victims head go a bit like this. All over the place self doubt and learned self hate.. Lowering them to nothing but brianstew. Leaving them a shallow shell of themselves victimized and afraid .. This is the story of a girl who found her voice again..
Hazel Redwood Oct 2017
Knowing that time is just a measurement
that it is running out.
Don't play the games of the beast around you.
For loosing yourself should not be in the cards.
Take a moment,
and stand tall remember who you really are.
Fighting back breathless as each second ticks by-
the darkness you are starting to occupy.
Look for the light in the one you seek.
Gazing upon a midnight's dream,
Take a moment and breathe.
Look upon the moon tonight.
Think of the answers you seek
Don't embrace the madness around you
It just learned how to control you,
and you are loosing the game;
for allowing it to envelope you.
Stop playing all sides
make up your mind
Find what it is you desire.
Take a chance and the less traveled path.
Seek the love in the ones who care for you.
never asking for anything in return.
Be strong,
Stand tall,
Remember who the ******* are,
Remember the long nights draped in the darkest of skies
The freedom you felt...
and how you never wanted it to end.
Remember the long gazes
Like a Siren singing you a lullaby
Remember the end when no one controlled you
Remember the end where you are you.
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