anxiety,
wondering which pair to wear,
blue, it was blue
she says a prayer for courage and comfort
no pockets, just slip it into the boots,
it's there

nervously sitting,
so young and unsure of herself
he comes out, "it's your turn",
he says with his kind voice and smile
she stands hesitantly,
she follows to the room.

questions, answers to those questions
can't think straight, mind racing
"any questions or concerns?"
"actually, yes." so unlike her.
she pulls it out of the blue boot,
tears begin to form in her eyes, she explains.

the door closes, she's out
but the feeling of relief never comes
instead, she's left with feelings of abandonment,
from who? God?
can't see past the mist, promises left unfulfilled?
trudging away in her blue boots.

17 months pass,
same place, same man, same blue boots,
but there's a difference in the girl.
more worn, just like her boots,
but more kind, more understanding, more sure.
molded by the God she knows and loves.

looking back on the gray,
she starts to see color, and not just blue,
colors she didn't know existed,
colors that were there the whole time, but she didn't see
a God, a friend that was there the whole time.

now,
admiring the beauty of a once unsure, and continuously unsure life
with a deeper knowledge of God's grace,
smiling, in her blue boots

sometimes its just dark
giving in to voices saying there's no way out
no way out
no one within miles (emotionally) to pull me out
panicking, cannot get out on my own
no hope.

and when i'm there, i get lost in the crowd,
i'd rather not be in the crowd at all
sometimes it's easier to sleep through the day
than experience it
anxiety

i need space, but i need love
my two needs
how do i feed both?
i try, but fail
can't do this alone, panic.

been taught my whole life
there's always a reason to hope
but what for?
i don't believe them.
"where are you?!"

...
something quiet whispers to my heart
...

He knows how i feel
holding my broken heart in His palms
His scarred palms
a subtle sunrise of understanding
my scars help me to understand His'

"I have heard of thee by the hearing,
but now mine eye seeth thee."
I see Him, now.
I know Him.
I hope.

I am never alone.

Greenhouse
Scaling flowers
A buzzing for pollen
Pinks and magentas stroke the space
Growing

You just knew right when you saw her
She was different from most
Goodness implanted so deeply inside her
Proven with every kind smile, every gentle action

I remember those hospital days
It hurt so bad I couldn't walk
But she must've played the same board game for what seemed hundreds of times
And slept in the little metal cot by my side
She was always there

All those times when I just wanted to quit
Kids were being mean, I got last in a race
She said, "No matter what happens, you will always be loved."
And it was true, I always was

No matter how bad it got
I knew she would always be there
To catch my tears
And to help me have courage

She cared more than I knew, so much more
My good days she sang with deep joy
My bad days she wept with a shattered heart
On her knees, begging God to show mercy on her little girl

It was not until I grew that I realized what I had
And that not everyone had it
I never knew how blessed I was
To have something that makes saying goodbye so hard

God knew when he put me in your care
No one could touch me the way you did
No one could love me so perfectly
He knew I needed a friend, I couldn't do it on my own

Some see brilliant visions of angels
I see my mother's open arms
And that's all I need
To know His hand is in all of this

Secret Gardens
Made for whispers and peculiar things
Slight breeze hums over trickling waters
Vines reaching for their piece of Sun

Blooming peonies
Hushed lavender
A single auburn rose
Not afraid of different

A wooden swing hung from the lilac tree
Moving to the beat of the wind
Giggles formed from the years spent
A plutherea of delightful times

A whist is heard
A cascading leaf?
Or a faery bride
Promenading down a pebble isle?