Being real is scary
Because I am scary
And it’s scary to scare someone else
With just real me
Because truth strikes fear
Into the ignorant
And I am still ignorant
Of many things.

A poem every day
Keeps the doctor away.
Not really.
I wish.
I would live forever.

Smiles are my glory,
Smiles are my friend.
But only when they’re real,
Real real real smiles.
But not when they hurt,
Forced to grin wide.
Happiness should not be forced.
It can’t be forced.

Smile.
Smile real.
Please.

If you can find a doorway,
I beg you to go through.
Even if you don’t see one,
I know you will later.
If the doorway is too small,
Or the hinges are rusted and stuck,
Carve your own door in the wood,
Walk through with child-like wonder.
If all the doors are locked,
And you’ve lost your carving knife,
Climb over the wall,
Don’t sit and wallow in your strife.

Success can’t be achieved
I refuse to accept that
Giving up isn’t the answer
Every day it’s proved to me:
Happiness doesn’t truly remain
It’s a complete deceit that
I always have a choice
The reality is
I can’t get out of this hole I dug
I am by no means persuaded
“The sun rises after night.”
Or
“You must always keep trying.”
I really must declare
“Night never leaves.”
Since it is impossible
I could escape my pain.

Can I depend on you?
Do you think so too?
Can I let you in?
Can I trust in you?

I am comfortable with you.
Should I be?

My sadness makes your day not that great?
I’m sorry.
Not really.
I don’t think I should.
Or maybe I should?
Am I selfish?
You tell me I am.
Are you right?

No, I won’t stress myself to the point where I start breaking down and getting mad and making everyone else’s day ****.
Too late.

Over and over and over again,
You look at me like I’m your friend.
You knock, and I let you in.
Over and over and over again.

Never, ever, ever again.
Will I ever let you in.
I don’t trust anyone anymore.
But at least I’m courteous enough to pretend I do.

Why am I always afraid?

If I never ever met you
I’d still miss what I never had.
It’s like longing for the heavens
And the rest of outer space.

I’ll probably never meet you,
I don’t even know who you are.
But I know I want someone just like you,
Someone bright, like a star.

Or maybe I don’t care how bright you are,
I just want someone who respects
My wishes, my fears, my unrequited beliefs.
Someone who loves my smiles, and tears.

Best wishes to you
As you leave me behind
“Drive safe, have fun, I’ll see you next time.”
But bittersweet is this goodbye,
Watching you leave to start a new life.

I understand that you have to go,
But I still wish you wouldn’t.
I feel like you’re changing
And I’m not in it.

Are we drifting apart?
You won’t stay the same.
But I know you love this change,
I can withstand the pain.

I think why life never gives us a break,
Or when he does, it’s short
Because when we get life completely easy
We turn conceited and lazy.

I am not saying I want life to be hard.
In fact, I wish quite the opposite.
I am just unsure of the thing I’d become
If I forgot how to work for happiness.

I just want to write
Write out my feelings
But if you don’t have
Any feelings to start
With what do you do?

I don’t want
People to gravitate
Towards me
Like moths to a fire
Like light to a black hole.

I want people to come to me
Because I am happy
And they are too.

I forgot how to love.
Now I am mistaking things
For what they aren’t.

You look at me like you’re nervous.
You ask me why I was staring at you.
I pretend I wasn’t.
I tell you I was reading the poster behind you.
You look away.
Memories of you come back.
I don’t know if I love you again.
Do I want to?
Do you?
Please do.
Ugh.
What am I doing.

I’m in a soundproof room.
So are you.
I beat the walls
And scream
And cry
But you don’t hear me.
I can feel that
You’re shouting for me too.
I’m sorry I can’t save you.

What are you afraid of?
Why do you flinch at the sight of me?
What if I told you I love you?
Would you be afraid?
No, you would say it back.
Right?
But you wouldn’t.
You don’t.
But you wish you did.
I wish you did.

The light’s dancing in your eyes...
Hold up.
I’m just kidding.
Fire’s burning
Flickering at me
Angrily
In your eyes.
You’re a ticking time bomb
I don’t know how to defuse.
But I’m a moth,
And as moths do,
I don’t look away, I run to you.

You’re polished
Squeaky clean marble.
You look at me and see
A young stone too rough.
I am not experienced.
You pretend you are
But you’re actually a rock
That just got thrown in a river.

The futures brighter than the past,
The past is black and white.
The future’s technicolor
And the past is dull.
But this isn’t a TV screen,
We can’t just pause the movie at the scary parts.

You keep on telling me to be honest.
I am honest.
But you don’t like my truth.
So you deny it.
You deny me.
You deny with all of your “honesty”.

Good things must end too quickly
And bad things must prolong themselves.

It’s hard to see the light when you are blind.

You tell me to communicate
I try but you don’t listen.

It’s hard to tell you everything
When to you I always say the wrong thing.

You always think I’m lying,
Because I have lied before.

So now I have to lie again,
I have to bend my truth to your will.

Why won’t you accept me?

I am not poetic,
I am not pretty.
You want to hide my chaos,
I refuse to be neat and sit still.

I know you want my fake,
But I care about my real,
I don’t want to hate,
I just want to feel.

You want me to be charming,
Instead I’m rather alarming,
If I’m such a disappointment,
Change your expectations.

You think you’re gonna save me
But all you do is harm.
Sugar-coated words
Mean nothing to me.
Because sugar-coated words
Are coated in venom, not sugar.
You say you don’t want to,
But I’m not sure.
If you didn’t want to hurt me,
You wouldn’t.
You’re starting to become a Predator,
Your composure is fading away.
Your armor of lies is breaking,
And my defenses are disintegrating.

I cry for no reason,
You see me as weak.
But you haven’t seen me smile yet,
I think you would change your mind.

I think my salty tears
I think they really scare you.
Because you run away at the sight
Of emotion bubbling up.

You look at me like I’m insane
I probably am.
But at least I’m not a coward,
Unlike someone here.

Your marble eyes
Well up with my tears
Why must you
Be so empathetic.
I pulled you in a mess
That you asked to be in.
I complied thinking
You could handle me.
But your kindling fire
Is burning out next to me.
My ice is melting
Drowning out my pain
While prolonging yours.

Ink runs down the paper
Like my words are crying too.
I write these for a person.
Someone, I don’t know who.

Thought is so unnecessary,
And yet these thoughts run rampant here,
They rage inside my untrained mind,
My calls no one can hear.

In a room all by myself,
Screeches fill the air,
But only I can hear them.
All you hear is
Stone
Cold
Silence.

I’m a waterfall,
A stream of words,
Unreliably flooding
Just to dry up at the first sign of drought.

I’m a paper girl
Rip me up and paste me together.
Dress me up in pretty crayon dresses
Add new pieces of me,
Take me apart.

I’m a dreamer, a visionary
I see a future full of wonder
A fantastical fantasy
Where I might be free
But I can never be free
From me.

I live in the future
I dismiss the past.
Memories hardly forgotten
Rise to the surface
Just to be drowned out again.

I am a dreamer, a visionary,
But I am lost in my dreams
My thoughts scatter in various directions
And I can’t find the present again
The past creeps behind me
Getting vengeance.

If I began to write my life story
The pages would be meters long
The book would be miles thick
The words would be tiny and barely legible
And it would always be unfinished.

I hate your easy smile
And your piercing, deep, eyes.
I hate the way you look at me
Like I am your whole world.

I hate your steadfastness
And your dependability
I hate your easy humor
And your unwavering loyalty.

I hate how you won’t leave me
How you always stand by my side.
I hate you because I love you,
And I can’t run away this time.

Expectations leads to disappointment
You said, “You could’ve done better.”
I know.
But you must know:
I can’t be everything you want.
I make mistakes too.
I hate how your expectations change
From person to person.
I just plain hate your expectations.
YOU NEVER GIVE ME A BREAK.
You give the breaks to my sister.
Why can’t I,
Just for once,
Be the one whose mistakes
Are okay.
The one
Who is proficient
Enough for you.
But you dwell on my errors.
YOU START YELLING.
You say I’m not trying hard enough.
Why should I?
I’LL NEVER MAKE YOU HAPPY ANYWAY.

Have you ever felt
Super super strong
And then suddenly something
Comes and knocks you down.

But instead of laying there
Like a beached whale
You get back up
And you seek revenge.

But you don’t topple that something
That brought you to your knees
But you instead stand taller than ever.
You become so successful,
It’s like saying, “Your efforts meant nothing!”
To the thing that pushed you back.

You surged forward.
You are a Force to be reckoned with.

Beauty seems to darken
In the shadows of this
Worsening existence.
Sounds jump at me
Sabotaging my happiness.
Fear is my only enemy.
.
.
.
Fear is my only friend.

“Don’t be a victim”
“Be positive.”
Well I’m sorry
That I’m honest.
“Such a Debbie-downer.”
Well, if you should know,
I’m not negative
I just see things more clearly
Than you.

I’m a tornado in a bottle,
And you see that clear.
Yet you still shake me,
Inducing my terrible fear
That I might break out of my bottle,
Shattered glass at your feet,
Distrust in your eyes.

I feel like a vessel,
Holding salty water inside.
But my metal is weak
It’s basically tinfoil,
And my water rushes out.

You are my release, poetry.
You know my deepest secrets.
I always write,
And I always will.

I cherish these moments together
Where I can be honest to myself,
And I don’t have to hide
Or even wear a mask.

You, lovely poetry,
Are a reservoir of me,
I poured my heart into you,
So cradle me softly, my beloved.

My presence is non-existent.
But you hear my whispers,
You crane your ears to hear me.

Crackle of the fireplace
I feel your special warmth,
So comfortable
Yet dangerous
My dear fire reborn.

You remind me of love, my darling
Fast and quick, then a slow burn,
Dancing in the moonlight I reach for your fingers
Only to be burned.

But scars heal and so do memories,
And I come back to you,
Even when you hurt me
I adore your precious gold hue.

I was in a mist
Things I never had I missed
Come near and I’ll hiss
Trust never was my thing.

But now your light shines through
So that I can approach you
But yet I stand still
A statue, a picture taken.

You start to walk towards me
I look like a deer in headlights
I can’t seem to move away
How you have incapacitated me, my dear.

I’ve felt many times a day
That I’m from earlier times
FAR far away.

I never really ever feel like I’m at home
I’m a triangle fitting into a square hole
I get in the hole, but there’s something missing.

I feel like I’m from a year
Way earlier than 2006,
It can be a giant advantage
Other times it is a...b-bomb.

Life isn’t rainbows and sunshine
But it isn’t all storms and rain either
Everything will turn out fine
But you can’t let life put out your Fire.

Hard work isn’t something to be scared of
I recommend you don’t do like me
Would you rather be tired and successful
Or still tired and a quitter?

These are the lessons I REALLY need to learn.
Anybody got tips on how to change your life?
Change your mind?
Change your heart?

Just LISTEN
Let me SPEAK
I’m breaking down and
I just want to SCREAM
Just so you would HEAR me
For once!

But instead I c r y.