Is this the moment when the skin is peeled back. When everyone can see me. When my days turn into nights. And those nights are cold. When I tell myself to close my eyes and sleep. And hope that I never wake up.
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Is this the moment when my body becomes numb and my ears go deaf. Where I continually long for a moment of rest. Where the hopelessness caves in. And I try to tell myself to move before i get crushed. But my body is unable to budge because it is still trying to thaw out from those cold, frozen nights.
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Is this the moment when I freeze to death. When I sink so deep that to call it an abyss is an understatement. When the streets are covered and I can’t drive myself to sanity. And your words are thermal, but they aren’t enough to break the ice. Every experience has left me dazed, stunned, stupefied, paralyzed, immobilized, frozen.
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This bed is a block of ice and the only thing I can use to cover myself is a sheet of snow.
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Is this where I lose all hope. Where I stop opening up to the possibilities of life. Where I forget who I was and where I came from.
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I’m so tired of freezing and thawing and crying and feeling and breathing and losing and changing and stopping and falling and running and dying and feeling so empty. I’m so tired of always being asked how I am or if I’m okay or why are you sad or why won’t you talk.
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And no I’m not trying to get attention. If I wanted it that badly I’d just **** myself. My fears are not your fears. I’m not afraid of death, yet I don’t want my life to slip out of my hands.
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I’d love to see my past with more accuracy than memory allows.
View the world from the many perspectives it holds.
Follow the people who never spoke up.
Learn by watching the mistakes made by the men & women before me.
Converse with history’s heroes,
And party with the problem starters.
I’d love to explore what has come before me.