She only listens to Nirvana and The smiths
Drinks black coffee and replaces every meal with a nicotine puff stick
Manic pixie dream *****
Changes your dull life and gives you that eccentric fix
Her dyed hot pink hair and split ends show she’s mentally unattached
Dependency on the broken, beautiful things living in conservative ghost towns
Rich, white, handsome, boring catch
She’ll always leave because, in the end, you are not what she needs
And you’ll spend the rest of your life regretting the words you so freely spouted
Remembering the lessons she left you when she disappeared

Bone skeletons and hallowed corspes  
It’s not hard to pick out the ones that are already dead
Circus freak girls who look in the funhouse mirrors and see elephants staring back at them
Shrunken rib bones form into a cage that at this point barely holds a soul
Mix my blood into the many glasses of water you’ll drink today
So you too can feel hollow and empty
Fragile like broken glass, skin thin as paper
Insides cold as ice, snow glob girl trapped in breakable glass
Lipid eyes and blue fingernails
Unhealthy has become a muse
Heroine eyes and thin lipped smiles
Glass will eventually shatter, fruit will rot
Scraped skin and bruised knees
Pink lemonade daydreams
I am the definition of sick
Of self harm, of mental illness
I am the change, the willingness to get better
I have been broken but I know how to put myself back together
I can help you put yourself back together
It’s hard but all you need is glue
It’s starts with you

Why be your own enemy?
When there are so many people out to get you

Snakes wrapped around her legs
Pulling her down
Into the mud
Where all she can hear is negative
Makes her like them
She’s already starting to slip
She’s becoming mean
Negative
She looks to the sky
And sees a rainbow
All she’s gotta do is pull

Sometimes I feel so sad and I don’t know why
My life has gotten better and theres clearly people who have it worse than me
So why can’’t I just appreciate what I have?
Why do I have to be so angry and mean and sad all the time?
Why can’t I just love myself so others can love me back?
I want someone to love me
The way people in old films love each other
The way Jack sacrificed himself letting Rose set on the door while he froze
I don’t know who I’m attracted to
When it comes down to it, *** doesn’t matter to me
I just want someone to hold me in their arms and tell me it’ll  be okay until it is
I want someone to be there when I cry and tell me it’s alright
I want someone to care, and I’ll do anything, be anything to have that happen
I don’t care what I have to do, as long as I stop feeling empty and hallow
Why can other girls be happy and in love, but I can’t?
I fall in love fast, and I stay in love for a long time
I’m devoted and clearly available
So why not me?
I just want someone to be with me
To hold me until I can hold myself together
But I know why no one will
Because I’m a freak
If love is so easy
Why isn’t it easy for me?

It’s because of you this happened
Everything is because of you
And her
My mother
Because she didn’t protect me
And because you didn’t care about me
It’s because of you that I’m always scared
And mad
Mad that this happened to me
When God knows it shouldn’t have
I have no job experience
I have no volunteer experience
Because I sat in that house neglected for entire days by myself with no means of transportation
The only volunteer experience I have was with you when you molested me
And I’m not putting that down
So thank you
Thank you for making me cry in random classes at random times of the day
Because I can’t stop thinking about what you did to me
Now I can’t finish my homework
Because I don’t know what to put down
I’m writing this so I don’t get emotional
When I shouldn’t be
Because nothing is wrong anymore
I’m not hungry anymore
I’m not by myself
And I don’t have to be scared of you anymore
But I still am
And I wish I wasn’t
I wish that I was normal
And I had a real chance to survive in this world like everyone else did
I wish that I would have taken chances
I wish that I would have told sooner
I wish that my mom would’ve cared enough to help me
But she didn’t and I didn’t and you didn’t
No one did anything
And now I’m here
In this class
Writing this
When I should be doing my homework
Angry, When I should be happy
Remembering what never should have happened
I really don’t know what to put down
Because I just don’t
And I don’t want to put your name down
Your name makes me ***** in my mouth
I hate you
I wish you would just drop over dead
But I know God doesn’t want me to do that
He wants me to pray for you
But I don’t know if I can
Because I don’t wish anything good for you
I wish you everything you have ever done to me or my family ten times over
I wish you ever word, every touch bite against skin brass knuckles bruised lips from not speaking a word
I wish you all the hell you ever did on to me
I wish you a lifetime of tears
I wish you poor body image and low self esteem
I wish you every tear I ever shed because of you
In an ocean that would drown you
But because I’m a good person
I wish you realization
Correction
I wish you not a happy time
But a time of learning

I daydream about death
Sometimes I wonder how it feels to be 6 feet under
I dream about the release of quiet
Of nothing
No stress
Daydreaming about my mother again
Hoping she’ll show up out of the blue
Come back for me
She won’t
This I know
I don’t want to die
I just think of it often
And I don’t know how to stop thinking
To stop feeling so much
Sometimes you wonder if you’re just as bad as him
Because you saw the mugshot of him
And how much he aged in the past months
So skinny, so stressed
You wonder if you’re just as bad
If you’re causing someone to stress so much
Am I causing him pain?
I don’t care
But I don’t want to turn out like him
I remember when he used to be so intimidating
When you thought no one would believe you
Because he was so convincing
I hope I never cause anyone pain
But I guess sometimes you have to
Because you need to protect others around you

This is the story of
A little girl
Who didn’t want to be a big sister
But the moment she saw my face
She knew she had to protect me
And for that I’ll always be grateful
I’ll always wish I was able to save you when you needed me
But often times when I tried I failed
Because I was too small and I wasn’t strong enough or my voice wasn’t loud enough
From the moment I saw my big sister
I knew she would be my best friend
The one I’d laugh with
The one I’d cry with
The one I would defend
Against anyone
The one who’d pick me up
When I’m down
The one who’d tell me I’m beautiful
Even when I look like a clown
The one I would make inside jokes with
The one who’d protect me
Stand up for me
The one who’d never let me go through anything alone
The sister that asked christmas morning if
I could go to the bathroom before we were locked in
The one who gave me her sandwich when we didn’t have
Any money to buy food and there were only 2 and mom had ate hers already
The only one who believed in me when no one would and actually helped me
The one who tucked me in at night
The one who made me broccoli cheese soup
The one who made me try new things
The one who took my spankings for me even though the belt would draw blood
The sister who was more of a mother to me
Then our own mother
Thank you
For being here
For being
My sister

Crush my bones into a fine paste
My lips slack and cold with the words I wanted to say but never told
There was a fire once lit, but now it is just just embers and no matter how much I try I can’t help but remember
Back in November when everything was normal and no one knew I had a problem without me having to tell them
I haven’t been angry since my break down and from there everything seemed to spiral down
Instead of being told reasons I have to live for, I’m told how much I am cared for
What happens when they stop caring?
Is that when It’s okay for me to die, I could lie and say I’m better
I had to sugar coat every single letter and I tell them that I’m fine
I’m not scared, I’m not lonely I haven’t stayed awake wondering if I wasn’t alive
I haven’t been angry since my breakdown, I haven’t felt anything unless I’m sad or someone is mad and I’m not, I’m not exactly like my dad
Everyone normally likes me, except when they don’t or when I’m actually being me
But I’m not me right now I’m crazy and everything before that feels so hazy
When I imagined my high school years I thought of daisies
And just maybe, my time is coming
Maybe all I need to do is stop running
I just need to hope
And deal with my problems and cope
But coping isn’t always as easy as it sounds
Especially when everyone seems to want a showdown
I haven’t been angry since my breakdown
I tell everyone I’m just fine
The only thing I do in math is draw straight lines
And remember the time when you were mine, and something belonged to me and I never had to be something I’m not but I always had to pretend
Pretending became part of my life who I am, it became part of my daily routine where I could pretend nothing was exactly what it seemed
Freedom sounds nice, being able to pretend if I want and be alone in the house
But I’m never left alone because I might hurt myself and honestly if given the chance I’d **** myself
And this time I’d make sure I’d get it right
Take so many pills that I’d see the light
I had considered shooting myself in the head
But there would be too much blood to be shed
That’s why I took the pills in the bathtub
Because the pills were a last minute decision, gun or pills?
Sometimes I wonder if I should have chosen the gun
But then I think about my mom
Cleaning up my blood and then I am grateful I didn’t choose it
I’m glad I decided to forget it
I feel like I don’t deserve to be alive
but at least I can say I try
To be a good person
I learned my lesson
I changed the lives of everyone around me
And that’s worse than if I was dead

These are the years of skinny jeans and sadness
Of black eyeliner and blackouts
Surviving high school high on hunger
The only way to cure an anorexic is realization
Realization that maybe those five strawberries you’re eating for breakfast, lunch and dinner weren't  as healthy as they were before you started counting them as calories
Realization that maybe you shouldn’t have binged everything in the house then threw up
Realization that maybe you should just burn your diet journal with the rest of your habits
Becoming anorexic will give you a new vocabulary, with words such as binge, purge and thinspiration
Your mind will become a calculator counting every calorie as a new way to punish yourself for being a size six
Let me tell you there is nothing wrong with your body, but there is something wrong with your mind
Even when you reach your goal it will not be enough until you are a size smaller
Until you can see your ribs
Until bones is all that's left of you
Until your dead

Hair tucked neatly behind her ear
She moves in the same direction never straying the path that is mine
Leading to my heart
Swaying to the parts of her I never knew I needed
Beautiful in the way I remember her last
Breath inhaled sharply turn to see her leave
I’m not ready to believe she can be happy without me
But nervous in the same way I can never be free of her presence
Haunting me, her softness
Still teases me
I wonder if she dreams of me
Lips puckered, pink cherry blossom
To the sound of my voice
“Come here”
“Leave”
These words sound the same
Only my twisted mind is to be blamed

Seconds seem to last hours when I’m around you
It’s not a bad thing, it’s like the entire world stops and yields to our time
Like the hourglass freezes and it’s just you and me
Intertwined, slow dancing in the dark kitchen apartment
Trust in me because I believe in you
You’ve taught me there’s more to men than ruthlessness
You’ve shown me patience and gentleness I had yet to see to believe

I lied for you
I lied for you
I lied for you

I want to be the perfect girl for you
I want you to be able to think back on these years fondly
Looking back wondering how we ever drifted apart
If I have to lie to you
To protect you then I will
You don’t need the real me in your life
Baby, I’m a drag
I’m not perfect, I’m not what you deserve
I’m not pretty enough, smart, funny enough
I’m not the princess you think I am
I don’t want you to feel like you have to catch me when I fall
I love you but I don’t want you to feel like your burdened with a girl who can’t get it together
So I won’t tell you
Because I don’t want you to think I’m crazy
Or just maybe
That I don’t care enough about you
That I’m throwing my problems at your feet
That I’m making everything about me
Though sometimes I wish someone was there to hold me when I get like this
But I should be able to get through this myself
What would happen if you were gone?
Who would I lean to?
I need to get my act together
I need to straighten out my life before I bend and break
I just want it to be me and you at the lake
And I’ll do anything, anything it takes
To be a normal girl
To be your normal girlfriend
To be the girlfriend you deserve

My sister held on to me
Like she was afraid to let go
I told her about my past
About what I didn’t want anyone to know
I told my suffering to my savior
And she held me tight
And told me she would take care of it
Tonight I cried
Because a little part of me died
When I told
What no one should ever know
Now no one can tell me
That I didn’t scream loud enough
That I didn’t cry hard enough
That it didn’t happen
Because my sister is here and she’s taking care of it
These are my secrets

I feel so useless
I feel so
So
I don’t know
Stupid
Dumb
Worthless
If I can’t do this
I can’t do anything
It’s easy to hate yourself
So I’ll try not to
Just like I thought I was trying today
I hate everyhting
But I also don’t
I just hate right now
The spaces between right now
Before and after
I hate the silence after something you just said
And you didn’t think anything of it
But then you relize that you messed up
And you can’t take it back
Now everyone is going to remember it
Think judgement on you
But everythings fine
It’s fine
You’re fine
But if you’re not fine
That’s fine too
You’re not stupid
It just feels that way

I once loved you so much it hurt to breathe
Like a catostrophache storm clouding over me
I once loved you like a kitten loves string
I once loved you more than bees love spring
But after awhile seasons change ,and kittens grow up
And now I don’t need anybody to tell me for me to feel loved
I am as loved as moths to light
I am as loved as stars to night
I am loved because I am me
That’s all I ever wanted to see

Can love fill this void?
That I seem to sink into every Monday
The long weeks ahead of me
Before I just wanted to sleep
Now I want to be with you

It’s like you can hear your own heart beating
You can hear your blood pumping through your veins
And you can’t feel anything
Emotionally, physically
Nothing at all
There's nothing to be said
There's nothing you can do
Sometimes it seems so easy to be sad
But hard to perk up when you hear your name being called
The word that belongs to you, and sends knowing signals to your brain
It’s hard to respond when that name is being called to you
Because you don’t know if you’re that person anymore
You don’t recognize the girl who was called that
You hear the name but it just feels strange and numb
A name echoing into the nothingness, a name not worth remembering
She’s gone
She disappeared
And only this hollow shell of a person is left
In your body
Unfeeling
Emotionless
Empty except for this absence of feeling and emotion you once felt
Your body remembers when it once was happy
And cared about things
When you wanted to run and jump and sing to the sun
You can be happy again
You can sing to the sun again
You can remember your own name
You can be that girl again
Who responds when you call for her
You can live
That hollow emptiness will fill back up again
The pitcher in your heart will overflow
And you’ll be happy again
You’ll feel whole again
It might take a while
For the oceans to flood the gates
But know that someday
The tears will cease
You’ll find peace in yourself and what you do
And you’ll never forget
That the empty pitcher can be filled back up again

Where are you?
You were in my dreams last night
But I can’t see your face
Feelings I can’t explain
When my heart jumps
My face gets hot
My brain screams
“Let go”
Falling
Falling
Until I land
In your arms

Tell me something you want to know
Watch my feelings for you grow and grow
Hold me tight, day and night
Call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine
Proving our love is real from the dawn of time
See your lips quiver, your backbone shiver
Give me sight, to see the light
Call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine
Baby, this is your time to shine
Who cares what the other’s will say?
No one will stand in our way
Call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine
Anything is okay, everything is fine
They’ll hear me roar, then they’ll know for sure
That she is mine and I am hers
Call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine
God says Eve was made from Adam’s rib bone
No, she was born of golden sunshine
Call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine

All I want to do is help people
No matter their age
If they're going through something I’ve been through
And they let me know they need help
I don’t want to be the person who didn’t help
When someone was hurting
And I did nothing
That’s why I try so hard
Because it hurts me to think someone is in pain
And they think no one cares
Because I thought that too
I wanted to **** myself too
And I was going to do it
Medication didn’t fix that
I wouldn’t have done that
If only I had reached out and gotten help
Talked about it with anyone
I need to help people
It’s in my nature
It tears me up inside to not

We were exactly the same
Except not
Exactly
You were a real person whereas I
Am fake, everything about me is borrowed and reproduced
The rope keeping me Tethered is frayed and loose
You and I were exactly the same
Except you were better than me
And it wasn’t your fault, maybe it was my fault
Because I always tried to be you
But no one can be you
No one can be me
But who would want to be me
When all I do is try to be other people
I’m selfish
I care about other people, but sometimes I don’t
Hysteria is a daily routine
I’m over dramatic and fake
I feel manufactured and plastic
You know I’m selfish because the only pronouns I use are me, me me and I
I need to think about other people
I need to be myself

When I drive
By your house
I look for you
Against  my will
I have to
Just anything to see you
Even though I don’t love you anymore
Even though you never loved me
Seeing you just reminds me
How beautiful and cruel the world can be
Even though you never loved me
Even though you never cared
Just because you didn’t doesn’t mean I can’t
You probably think this is about you
Without knowing anyone else I’ve been with
But none of them made me hurt like you did

Manipulation is the root of all evil
Greedy words to get what you want
Always achieving, hurting other people

My mother always envisioned me as the cheerleader
The pretty pink skirts and teased hair with a bow
She made me do little husky cheer every year until fourth grade
When I finally told her I couldn’t stand it
Instead, I grew into a poet
Writing about her but putting it in a way she wouldn’t know it
I wonder if she is mad at me for not exceeding her expectations
I wonder if she is mad at me for telling my story

Happy enough to dream you

I am drinking a diet coke and dying
You know that you’re sick when even the stench of food makes you want to gag
And it’s easy now to make other excuses for why you’re not eating, because there not excuses anymore
Food just doesn’t taste like it should anymore, it makes my stomach feel tight and uncomfortable even when I’m eating a small amount
I feel disgusted after I eat a big meal, and sometimes it’s hard to hold back my *****
But now I can’t purge my food because I’ve already destroyed my gag reflex brushing my tongue is a nightmare
I can say that my eating disorder is in the past but it always seems to creep back into my life slowly like an unforgotten ex slipping into my sheets, infecting my brain, making me sick
There's just foods that I can’t stand the sight of anymore, and I don’t know if it’s because of my pills or my eating disorder
I can’t stand most cheeses
Most chocolates
Sweet things in general
Anything dripping with grease makes me want to hurl
When I imagine my “perfect body” I want to be curvy but so thin my ribs show with tall legs and small hips
You can only be either or
You can’t have all
I am drinking a diet coke and dying
I’ve spent time with other people like me, and it made me realize just how sick I am and how sick eating disorders are in general
That’s why I need to write about this and talk about this so maybe one day i can stop feeling like this and make sure no one else decides to do this
Eating disorders are nothing to make light of
Cleaning your ***** out of the bathtub is not what I imagined I’d be doing when I was my goal weight
Along time ago this used to be my goal weight, but I am never done
Eating disorders are a virus infecting your system, a fungus infecting your brain
Collarbones and hip bones are not the only thing that matter
I am drinking diet coke and dying
I used to be so ashamed to talk about it, because when you’re sick it’s embarrassing to talk about it
But you need to talk about so you can get help for it, and make sure that no one else feels like that
Worshipping the way your body feels in a corset you wear under your clothes hands stitched from years of looking in the mirror and hating your body
Fabricated from the lies you told yourself, when you tried to convince the world you weren’t sick
You’re sick and you need to talk about this so no one else feels sick too
I am drinking a diet coke and dying
But I will stop so you don’t have to

I’m falling
No, I’m fine
Right now
I’m up and down
Never the same
Can’t pinpoint my emotions
Flying through the air
Then the next minute
Crashing through the sea
I don’t know what’s wrong with me
It’s like a malfunction in my software
I’m a glitch and everyone around me is okay
Everything is fine
But I’m upset
Then I’m happy
No not quite happy
Not quite anything
But not numb either
I don’t know what’s wrong
Will I ever?

My mother's second husband gave her a fern plant when they got married
It was a symbolism of their love, my mother killed it in a couple of days
Because she didn’t want to put in the work of watering it
Or maybe she tried too hard and smothered it with affection
I can’t remember which because I was young
That fern heard many arguments while it laid wilting, forgotten
It heard the screaming, the mockery
The crying, “please don’t leave me”
It heard her using her children as shields against her angry husband
To protect herself from the screaming agony
Pitting red balled fists against the whimpering adolescence
While my mother huddled in a corner out of her body
The fern rotted for weeks on our front porch
No one to check on it, to see if it was still breathing
To make sure that everything was okay
It wasn’t, the love fern was dead
Maybe it could’ve been happy if it went to a different family

I stood up for myself
For the first time in months
I think this might
Be the start to forgiving
Myself

I screamed so loud
Without making a sound
I didn’t move
I didn’t say anything
Silent
“Keep your mouth shut”
And if you didn’t
“You’re lying”
He’d say
But I wasn’t
“Stop!”
But I didn’t say that
I just stood there
And waited for him to be done
For him to go home
I held my tears for a long time
I didn’t cry until weeks later
Because I refused to think about it
Because it was just too painful to relive it
The guilt
The disgust
The embarrassment
The Silence

I didn’t need to be strong
I was a child
He knew better
I didn’t know what was going on

My mother thinks my father killed himself
He was crushed to death
I don’t know how
I was never told
But I’ve come to understand that his death might not have been accidental
According to my mother
He had a few mere seconds of unbearable pain before he passed
At the funeral while my family mourned
I wondered how anyone could look so lifeless and feel so cold
I was four
He looked like he was in a soundless slumber
Having the most pleasant peaceful dream
After the funeral
A blonde haired women glared at me as I started to cry
I never knew her name
Years later I would only know my father by his old t-shirts my mother would wear to bed
As my mother spun out of control
I spun on the merry-go round wondering why life was so cold
As I spun, empty and motionless
Six year old me would see a father pushing his girls on the swing set
Only I would find that unbearable to see
A year later, when I am seven a new father comes along
He is nice, at first
three months later
He is your stepfather
The only one you could ever remember
The one you wish you could forget
Years later you’ll keep his secrets
And he’ll tell all yours
My mother thinks my father killed himself
Sometimes you’ll wish he didn’t

I am a girl with a lot of problems
His attorney tells the court
I am a whirlwind of poor coping skills
Used to deal with the trauma he may or may not have caused
I know I’m immature
I can’t help it, I’ve never thought any other way
I don’t know-how
To be different than I am now
I leave bruises on my own arms from biting myself when I’m angry
I know it’s not a good way to calm myself
But it’s the only thing I’ve come to find that helps
You know I may or may not be everything or nothing that has been said in that courtroom
That heaven smiled upon me when they chose to lock him away
My truth stood ground
But my world shattered
Every year I grow dumber
My mental health never inclines
And now I’m wondering if that is all his fault
Or is it mine?

I think somethings going to happen
I’m not sure what it is
Good, I hope
If it goes badly I know I’ll be sad
But at least I can say it happened
Because what’s real is real
If you can see and hear
I’m ready, break my heart

I let people walk all over me
Then apologize for not being a good enough doormat

All I've wanted to do these past days is just lie in my bed

I have major depressive disorder and depressive episodes
I’ve tried so hard to dig myself out of this hole
But I’m stuck, so stressed
Even though I have nothing going on
I’m not doing anything
Ever
Just sad
I guess
I don’t know
More than that
It’s just everything
Not anything in particular
Okay, I’m lying
It’s my mom
The fact that she doesn’t even try
She doesn’t even try at all, ever
Like I wasn’t good enough for her
She doesn’t want to fight for me
She wants nothing to do with me
And I never did anything to her
I was good
I loved her
More than any scummy man could
But she doesn’t believe it
She doesn’t believe me
She hates me
Because I took her husband away
Testified and put him in prison
She sat with his family during the trial
She even testified against me
I know I should hate her
And I do more than anything
But I just want her to know
That I am worth something
At the very least
I am her child
She nursed and cradled me
I was her baby
At one point
She should care!
She should want me!
Why doesn’t she want me?

He reached into her body
And took a piece of her soul
She didn’t say anything
Because she was afraid
She wouldn’t feel whole
That news would get back to him
That he would punish her
Scream in her face
Make her life more hell than it already was
Now she has to go to trial
In front of the jury and judge
In front of her mother who knew
In front of him too
And she’s not afraid
Well she is
To see his eyes
She’s afraid that if she looks
Then she’ll never be able to forget
That he’ll haunt her dreams
More than he ever did before
But she’s ready to speak
She’s been silent her whole life
This she knows
That she has to do this
Not for her
But for every single
Little girl that has come before her
And any little girl that would come after her
Will never have to go through what she had to
She’s afraid but she’s ready
Come at me
With all you got

I can’t forgive her
More than that I don’t want to forgive her
I don’t want to heal according to some book
That doesn’t know me or what I’ve been through
I don’t want to read a book
That wants me to forgive, forget and accept her back into my life
Because I won’t do that
I can’t do that
Yes I’m hurt
Yes I’m angry
But I don’t want to hurt according to the guidelines
Of somebody else

The first time hit me like a fast-moving pickup truck
Speeding down the highway
I was always an obedient girl, I listened when I was told no
So why couldn’t he?
Pictures would show, adolescent depression
Fragile youth shadowed by absent lies
As my world caved through I believed in myself enough to write
I could never write in a diary or make things seem like they were about me
Him, me or him
Poetry saved me
I’ve never been able to write an autobiography
This may be as close as I’ll ever far
This is me
This is my story

Bruising the eye of the beholder
She means nothing to me
When the only thing I care about is you
Betrayal is lost in the abyss we call our lives
I never meant to hurt you
Can’t you see I did this for you
Don’t you know, that I did this to make you stronger
I did this to protect you
This wasn’t to hurt you
I swear I never meant to leave you there alone

These poems are about me not you
About the pieces, I've given away
Not about what you've done to them

Sometimes I hate myself for the way I stared back at him in fear
I hate myself for how scared I was
Now I’m stronger than ever
But then again
He was really angry
And I was really young
He scared me, he truly did
But now I’m older
And I know now
He is just a coward

Bible thumping
Whipping black leather belts across tender, young skin
Snakebite flesh
One-touch you can’t forget
That’s gentle
Almost cautious
Testing your limits
How long you can go without flinching
Two men, two hells
Trust yourself enough to scream
Fall back and notice that everyone was watching
That you weren't stuck in an unchanging time capsule of pain
Where minutes seemed to last hours
Your hands and legs shook from fright
Shocked, blasted into an everlasting hell
Scream
Louder than him
Run, faster than the truck he uses to take you away
Because you are more worthy than every second he kept you from being happy

I’d rather starve than eat something without knowing the calories
Count them
One hundred, two, three
Miraculously you’ve found something healthy
Honey, nothing about this is healthy
Mini rice cakes aren’t a meal
You’ve gone so long without eating something real
Watered down excuses, bent over the toilet
Foggy eyes, clear skies but you stay inside
There’s nothing normal about this
No matter how many forums you find
You will always be nothing but the girl who doesn’t eat lunch
You’ll always be the fat girl trying to cut weight
You’ll always be thin fingers and 5 calorie gum
Dropped 20 pounds and still can’t fit into size 12 jeans
Struggling staying in the 160s
You are not a success story
You’re lazy, you’re not doing this the right way
Stop just stop
Because you’re not going anywhere
Stuck on the scale

My mother was quiet
My father was loud
His words
His hands
The sound of the belt crackling in his palms
Though through all this my mother was silent
My mother moved through the house like wind
Silence crashing into the quiet, small spaces between
My father stomped, pounded his way like thunder
Never breaking through the ever-growing tension he built brick by brick
My mother knew more than she would tell
Her silence melted into our very beings
Shutting us out from any reality
Shutting us out from any chance that we could be happy
My father never broke, bent, snap
Stern, overbearing
My mother was quiet

Hold on
I’m not ready yet
To fall
To fly
I’m not ready to die
Maybe somedays I am
But right now
I’m stuck in the here and now
Not ready to hear how
I’m stuck here

I wish I was nice to everyone
I can be
I’m just not
And I haven’t realized it
But I’m a *****
To so many people
Who didn’t deserve it
Who’ve been there for me
I need to stop
I need to be nice
From now on that’s what I’ll do
Change
That’s what I need to do