Stop telling me she only did this because she was scared
I was scared too
I was a little girl
She was an adult
She brought him into my life
She watched him hurt me
Kept him around because he made her happy
Because she didn’t get the same kind of treatment her kids got
She got something out of the relationship
All we got was terrorized
For no reason
Because we existed
Because we were there and wanted to stand up for ourselves and our mother
We were hated because we had voices
That kept speaking out whenever he was loud
She is not a battered women
She was not so abused that she couldn’t stand up for herself
There were many times she stood up for herself and said she would leave him
But she would never leave him because of something he had done to us
Only her
She wanted him
Because she needed someone to hold her up
Because she couldn’t take care of herself
Even though she had two children doing their best to hold her
She put all of her weight on us
And all we expected her to do in return
Is be a mother
She wasn’t a mother
She watched us be whipped with belts
We stared up at her waiting for her to tell him to stop
To push him away to do anything
But she wouldn’t she stared at the ground
We told her many times about each man she had brought into our lives
The ones that sexually abused us
Three children came to her for help
One pregnant
She denied each the help they needed
Didn’t believe them, instead asked the abusers for their side of the story
Then the man got arrested
She lied to the police and told them she had no idea
About the beatings about the abuse
Like she hadn’t watched or seen our red, bleeding welts
She still visited him before his trial
Until the very end
Until his “accident” that she claims he caused
After she was so destroyed
She didn’t cry though
Not during the funeral
Not when she found out
She was dry-eyed and angry
She spun out of control for years
We didn’t talk about my father
We didn’t talk about anything
She was never home
Always working
Mainly partying
Coming home skinnier and hyper
Coming home happy until her next fix
All the while my twelve-year-old sister took care of me
Day and night
From the time I was four until I was seven
My mother was a **** head
She got angry quickly
But was so hyper
Leaving all the responsibility to my young sister
To parent both me and her
My sister had always taken the majority of the care for me
But these years it only got worse
At this time, we all slept in the same bed
A five-year-old, and thirteen year old and a thirty-four-year-old
I had put all of my stuffed animals into the bed to sleep with us
It was my mother's idea that she and my sister slept on top of them
And so my sister listened
And they moved their bodies atop my toys
I pulled at my favorite
Because I slept with it every night
My mom got angry and slammed my head into her metal bed frame
Hard
I cried and she apologized but the damage was still done
She met another man
Who cleared her of her sorrows
And made her from a ****** to a trophy wife
She was so happy
So it seemed at first
So was I
At first
He charmed us with restaurants
And fun activities
Structure and attention
That lasted about two weeks
He charmed my mom into marrying him
At this point, we were scared of him
He would yell at us for the smallest mundane things
And punish us without reason
He would hide in our closets
Then pop out when we started talking about him
He would scream at us
I don’t know how to explain how bad this was
You don’t understand unless you were there
You can’t imagine unless you’ve lived through it again and again
His face would get red
His eyes looked like ice
Normally you thought they were blue but when he was angry they looked icy
Like all the fire from his soul was burning him alive and his eyes were trying frantically to put them out
He used a threatening demeanor
He got close to you
Like he was going to hit you
He balled his fist
And told you how pathetic you were
How stupid
How fat
And worthless
First, he’d say it in a cold voice
Then get scream at you
Then he would kick things around
And break them
Like the time he broke my mom's doorway
Kicked it in so much that she couldn’t shut it
He hit me only once
He pushed me into the rocks and struck me hard three times on my bottom
He also threw my makeup bag at me while I was in the shower It hit my head then fell to the ground
My makeup spilled out and my nail polish broke
It spilled all over the bag and all over the shower
He hit my mom a least once I can remember
I told my mom about him sexually abusing me
I told her about him adjusting my bras and touching my *****
Which should have been enough to send a mother haywire
But it wasn’t
I was so ashamed and embarrassed about all of the other things
The things that were so so much worse because I was so scared he’d yell at me
That I just let him touch me, I just let him do the things he wanted to
I’ll forever be mad at myself for that and feel guilty
My mom told me from the start she didn’t believe me
But I didn’t truly believe her until she lied on the stand testifying for her beloved husband
Testifying against the daughter who had tried to protect her so many times
She broke my heart
I haven’t been the same since and that was almost three months ago
No, I don’t forgive my mother
She is not a mother
She was an accomplice to my abuser
She neglected me
She didn’t care and only loved herself
She was scared
But I was too

Sometimes I feel so sad and I don’t know why
My life has gotten better and theres clearly people who have it worse than me
So why can’’t I just appreciate what I have?
Why do I have to be so angry and mean and sad all the time?
Why can’t I just love myself so others can love me back?
I want someone to love me
The way people in old films love each other
The way Jack sacrificed himself letting Rose set on the door while he froze
I don’t know who I’m attracted to
When it comes down to it, *** doesn’t matter to me
I just want someone to hold me in their arms and tell me it’ll  be okay until it is
I want someone to be there when I cry and tell me it’s alright
I want someone to care, and I’ll do anything, be anything to have that happen
I don’t care what I have to do, as long as I stop feeling empty and hallow
Why can other girls be happy and in love, but I can’t?
I fall in love fast, and I stay in love for a long time
I’m devoted and clearly available
So why not me?
I just want someone to be with me
To hold me until I can hold myself together
But I know why no one will
Because I’m a freak
If love is so easy
Why isn’t it easy for me?

I didn’t need to be strong
I was a child
He knew better
I didn’t know what was going on

Crush my bones into a fine paste
My lips slack and cold with the words I wanted to say but never told
There was a fire once lit, but now it is just just embers and no matter how much I try I can’t help but remember
Back in November when everything was normal and no one knew I had a problem without me having to tell them
I haven’t been angry since my break down and from there everything seemed to spiral down
Instead of being told reasons I have to live for, I’m told how much I am cared for
What happens when they stop caring?
Is that when It’s okay for me to die, I could lie and say I’m better
I had to sugar coat every single letter and I tell them that I’m fine
I’m not scared, I’m not lonely I haven’t stayed awake wondering if I wasn’t alive
I haven’t been angry since my breakdown, I haven’t felt anything unless I’m sad or someone is mad and I’m not, I’m not exactly like my dad
Everyone normally likes me, except when they don’t or when I’m actually being me
But I’m not me right now I’m crazy and everything before that feels so hazy
When I imagined my high school years I thought of daisies
And just maybe, my time is coming
Maybe all I need to do is stop running
I just need to hope
And deal with my problems and cope
But coping isn’t always as easy as it sounds
Especially when everyone seems to want a showdown
I haven’t been angry since my breakdown
I tell everyone I’m just fine
The only thing I do in math is draw straight lines
And remember the time when you were mine, and something belonged to me and I never had to be something I’m not but I always had to pretend
Pretending became part of my life who I am, it became part of my daily routine where I could pretend nothing was exactly what it seemed
Freedom sounds nice, being able to pretend if I want and be alone in the house
But I’m never left alone because I might hurt myself and honestly if given the chance I’d **** myself
And this time I’d make sure I’d get it right
Take so many pills that I’d see the light
I had considered shooting myself in the head
But there would be too much blood to be shed
That’s why I took the pills in the bathtub
Because the pills were a last minute decision, gun or pills?
Sometimes I wonder if I should have chosen the gun
But then I think about my mom
Cleaning up my blood and then I am grateful I didn’t choose it
I’m glad I decided to forget it
I feel like I don’t deserve to be alive
but at least I can say I try
To be a good person
I learned my lesson
I changed the lives of everyone around me
And that’s worse than if I was dead

Linoleum, single white floor tile
Stare at the ceiling for three hours
Follow me round the bend
To make sure I’m taking care of myself
When things got hard, free-flying into hard mattresses slamming cold, white catch yourself doors
Looking out the big barred window to see the humans below you who haven’t been caught not coping with their feelings yet
When the scratching started and didn’t stop until the clock struck six
Maybe it was the med cart that saved you that day
Shadows flicker in the dim light that glows to remind you that you are cared for, but only if you ask
You’re thought of only if reminded
You’re a priority but remember there is always someone else openly slamming that door while you lie and say you’re fine
You must believe I will get better to be with me
You must believe in me to be around me
Don’t spread your doubt about what you don’t know
To poison my tired mind
Because I am trying
And that’s all I can promise you

I’m wondering if he had as much fun as I did
Did his breath draw in with anticipation
When I touched him
Did his skin cells dance to the sound of his rapid heartbeat
Were his fingers curled as I kissed him
Are his feelings growing
Strong like the path I imagine for us
I wonder if he thinks of me
Every second like I do him
Does he bite his lip and sigh when he thinks about what we did
When we were intertwined
Two loves of a lifetime
I wish I knew what he is thinking about

She only listens to Nirvana and The smiths
Drinks black coffee and replaces every meal with a nicotine puff stick
Manic pixie dream *****
Changes your dull life and gives you that eccentric fix
Her dyed hot pink hair and split ends show she’s mentally unattached
Dependency on the broken, beautiful things living in conservative ghost towns
Rich, white, handsome, boring catch
She’ll always leave because, in the end, you are not what she needs
And you’ll spend the rest of your life regretting the words you so freely spouted
Remembering the lessons she left you when she disappeared

I think somethings going to happen
I’m not sure what it is
Good, I hope
If it goes badly I know I’ll be sad
But at least I can say it happened
Because what’s real is real
If you can see and hear
I’m ready, break my heart

My fingertips are gold
my heart, navy blue
But only when I
Am thinking of you
No one understands
That I am slowly sinking
Fading away forever
Can’t you see
That i’m trying
But nobody knows
I’m slowly dying

Am I crazy?
Why do I feel like this
Everyday

You might be sleeping
I’m unsure
Always confused
About you
In the morning
Sleeping until noon
After
Sunset, rise
Burnt orange
No that’s not pretty
Peach
And lilac and pink
The colors I see behind your eyes
Point is
You’re here
I’m here
Let’s make the most of it

This is the story of
A little girl
Who didn’t want to be a big sister
But the moment she saw my face
She knew she had to protect me
And for that I’ll always be grateful
I’ll always wish I was able to save you when you needed me
But often times when I tried I failed
Because I was too small and I wasn’t strong enough or my voice wasn’t loud enough
From the moment I saw my big sister
I knew she would be my best friend
The one I’d laugh with
The one I’d cry with
The one I would defend
Against anyone
The one who’d pick me up
When I’m down
The one who’d tell me I’m beautiful
Even when I look like a clown
The one I would make inside jokes with
The one who’d protect me
Stand up for me
The one who’d never let me go through anything alone
The sister that asked christmas morning if
I could go to the bathroom before we were locked in
The one who gave me her sandwich when we didn’t have
Any money to buy food and there were only 2 and mom had ate hers already
The only one who believed in me when no one would and actually helped me
The one who tucked me in at night
The one who made me broccoli cheese soup
The one who made me try new things
The one who took my spankings for me even though the belt would draw blood
The sister who was more of a mother to me
Then our own mother
Thank you
For being here
For being
My sister

I feel so useless
I feel so
So
I don’t know
Stupid
Dumb
Worthless
If I can’t do this
I can’t do anything
It’s easy to hate yourself
So I’ll try not to
Just like I thought I was trying today
I hate everyhting
But I also don’t
I just hate right now
The spaces between right now
Before and after
I hate the silence after something you just said
And you didn’t think anything of it
But then you relize that you messed up
And you can’t take it back
Now everyone is going to remember it
Think judgement on you
But everythings fine
It’s fine
You’re fine
But if you’re not fine
That’s fine too
You’re not stupid
It just feels that way

Daylight breeches cowered mugshot eyes
Crackling lips, pop rocks turn tornado teeth
Leaving a disaster in its pearly white place
No one ever thinks the way I do
When I said no no one listened
Or stopped to think about how I was doing
Now I lay in this tomb unable to move
Dishes piling up higher than my mother’s withered expectations
Somedays I wish a magical creature called love would move my desolate feet
Commandments from a voice strong yet gentle
Carrying my timidness into another realm of being
Of being confident and peaceful

Missing you has taught me
That you can both love and hate someone
So much at the same time
Even though it sometimes feels like every part of me is filled with hatred for you
That I can’t close my eyes without seeing what you’ve let happen to me
But I still cry out for you
My dreams are filled with memories of you
Daydreams consists of you coming back for me
Loving me again
Choosing me
Believing me
You’re not someone I should dream of
You’re someone I should hate completely without emotion
But I still have so many feelings
That I can’t explain
Loving you is hurting me
But hating you is killing me

It’s like you can hear your own heart beating
You can hear your blood pumping through your veins
And you can’t feel anything
Emotionally, physically
Nothing at all
There's nothing to be said
There's nothing you can do
Sometimes it seems so easy to be sad
But hard to perk up when you hear your name being called
The word that belongs to you, and sends knowing signals to your brain
It’s hard to respond when that name is being called to you
Because you don’t know if you’re that person anymore
You don’t recognize the girl who was called that
You hear the name but it just feels strange and numb
A name echoing into the nothingness, a name not worth remembering
She’s gone
She disappeared
And only this hollow shell of a person is left
In your body
Unfeeling
Emotionless
Empty except for this absence of feeling and emotion you once felt
Your body remembers when it once was happy
And cared about things
When you wanted to run and jump and sing to the sun
You can be happy again
You can sing to the sun again
You can remember your own name
You can be that girl again
Who responds when you call for her
You can live
That hollow emptiness will fill back up again
The pitcher in your heart will overflow
And you’ll be happy again
You’ll feel whole again
It might take a while
For the oceans to flood the gates
But know that someday
The tears will cease
You’ll find peace in yourself and what you do
And you’ll never forget
That the empty pitcher can be filled back up again

Does he feel the same way I do?
Am I a fool?
Does he want to see me again?
Do I make his heart race like he does mine?
Why can’t I just know what he’s thinking
I can’t stop thinking about when we were curled together
My head on his chest
I wonder if he felt relaxed
Safe, calm
Loved for the time being
I think he is slipping away
I hope not

Conflict in the weight
Conflight in the girl
Who just ate chicken
Too much chicken on an empty stomach
She gained two pounds
On a scale made for just right
No mistakes

Can love fill this void?
That I seem to sink into every Monday
The long weeks ahead of me
Before I just wanted to sleep
Now I want to be with you

I can feel him over my shoulder
His body, His breath in my ear
I’ve never been holy
I cannot be saved
But I can hear him
Above me
I can feel his song
Swirling around me
I am enough
I am worthy
I have been through a lot
But sometimes it’s worth the price it pays
I’m safe
I have someone to protect me
Someone who cares about me
Who shed their love so I could find the light

My mother's second husband gave her a fern plant when they got married
It was a symbolism of their love, my mother killed it in a couple of days
Because she didn’t want to put in the work of watering it
Or maybe she tried too hard and smothered it with affection
I can’t remember which because I was young
That fern heard many arguments while it laid wilting, forgotten
It heard the screaming, the mockery
The crying, “please don’t leave me”
It heard her using her children as shields against her angry husband
To protect herself from the screaming agony
Pitting red balled fists against the whimpering adolescence
While my mother huddled in a corner out of her body
The fern rotted for weeks on our front porch
No one to check on it, to see if it was still breathing
To make sure that everything was okay
It wasn’t, the love fern was dead
Maybe it could’ve been happy if it went to a different family

Tell me something you want to know
Watch my feelings for you grow and grow
Hold me tight, day and night
Call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine
Proving our love is real from the dawn of time
See your lips quiver, your backbone shiver
Give me sight, to see the light
Call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine
Baby, this is your time to shine
Who cares what the other’s will say?
No one will stand in our way
Call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine
Anything is okay, everything is fine
They’ll hear me roar, then they’ll know for sure
That she is mine and I am hers
Call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine
God says Eve was made from Adam’s rib bone
No, she was born of golden sunshine
Call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine

I wish I was nice to everyone
I can be
I’m just not
And I haven’t realized it
But I’m a *****
To so many people
Who didn’t deserve it
Who’ve been there for me
I need to stop
I need to be nice
From now on that’s what I’ll do
Change
That’s what I need to do

Bone skeletons and hallowed corspes  
It’s not hard to pick out the ones that are already dead
Circus freak girls who look in the funhouse mirrors and see elephants staring back at them
Shrunken rib bones form into a cage that at this point barely holds a soul
Mix my blood into the many glasses of water you’ll drink today
So you too can feel hollow and empty
Fragile like broken glass, skin thin as paper
Insides cold as ice, snow glob girl trapped in breakable glass
Lipid eyes and blue fingernails
Unhealthy has become a muse
Heroine eyes and thin lipped smiles
Glass will eventually shatter, fruit will rot
Scraped skin and bruised knees
Pink lemonade daydreams
I am the definition of sick
Of self harm, of mental illness
I am the change, the willingness to get better
I have been broken but I know how to put myself back together
I can help you put yourself back together
It’s hard but all you need is glue
It’s starts with you

Denial and Isolation
All you want to be is alone
You were always
Lonely
So you started talking to yourself
Like you were two people
You were left alone for so long
Now you choose to be alone
Because all you want to do is sleep
But no one will let you
You can’t believe she would do this to you
You can’t understand
What she could have possibly been thinking
She choose him over you
You are her daughter
She held you close
Rocked and nursed you
You thought she cared about you
How could she?
Why?
Why wasn’t I good enough for her?
2. Anger
I hate her
I don’t miss her
I remember everything she’s ever done
Like the time she slammed my head into her headboard
I remember how she let him scream at me and drag me into his pickup against my will
When I begged and screamed I didn’t want to go
And she said, “Nola, You have too.”
Because I knew what would happen
And so did she
Every time I was screamed at in front of her
When I told her I was suicidal
And she said I’d get therapy
That she would help me
But she never did
3.  Bargaining
If I had told someone sooner
If only I had done something
Anything
Moved, spoke
Told my mom everything that happened the moment it happened
Maybe just maybe
She would have believed me
Over him
When I have done nothing wrong
And he is everything wrong with our life
But she just can’t seem to kick him out
4. Depression
There’s nothing you can do
So why try?
Why do anything?
When nothing goes your way
No one understands
Every day something new happens
And it seems like the world is pinned against you
Like no one will give you a break
5. Acceptance
There will come a day
When you no longer
Daydream of what you should’ve been
Nothing you could have ever done warrants this kind of torture

Where are you?
You were in my dreams last night
But I can’t see your face
Feelings I can’t explain
When my heart jumps
My face gets hot
My brain screams
“Let go”
Falling
Falling
Until I land
In your arms

I might always be sad
When I remember you
And how you don’t love me
How you’ve treated me
But I’ve got to stop thinking of myself as a victim
Because I’m not
I’m a survivor
I shouldn’t miss you
All the things you put me through
But I do
You’re still my mother
At one time, my survival was dependent on you
At the time, you couldn’t wait to meet me
But that’s over
Even though you don’t miss me
I’ll forever miss the good times I had with you

All I've wanted to do these past days is just lie in my bed

I feel your presence in the air
Through and though I’m on my way
Marching forward till the morrow
I’m almost there, love
No walls can hide you
Because I can sense your quickened heartbeats
Matching in time to the harp of drum
I can see you now
Staring out the glistened window
Down, down your golden hair
Fair skin, gold like wheat
Pale like snow
I’m here below
Call out your name
From tired eyes to lipstick coated teeth
Rouged cheeks, turn to see me leave

My mother smells like vanilla
Every time I pass her through the house I catch a whiff
My Mother’s perfume used to be a comforting smell
It would always remind me of ice cream and swaddled new born babies
My mother is a nurse, so she knows how to take care of people
But not how to protect people
Or believe
Imagine
My mother used to be an artist
Aged canvass
The smell of paint in the air
The third generation of women
On her mothers side
She used to have fun
She used to love me
And care if I was sick
If someone had hurt me
When my father died
She told me she was now my mother and my father
But she was never around
My mother said she had a dream
That my sister and I were babies again
And she had one of us on each arm
At least I know she still thinks of us
Even if it’s to only wish we were still dependent on her
She didn’t protect me
She didn’t believe me
Sometimes I think she doesn’t even love me

My mother always envisioned me as the cheerleader
The pretty pink skirts and teased hair with a bow
She made me do little husky cheer every year until fourth grade
When I finally told her I couldn’t stand it
Instead, I grew into a poet
Writing about her but putting it in a way she wouldn’t know it
I wonder if she is mad at me for not exceeding her expectations
I wonder if she is mad at me for telling my story

He reached into her body
And took a piece of her soul
She didn’t say anything
Because she was afraid
She wouldn’t feel whole
That news would get back to him
That he would punish her
Scream in her face
Make her life more hell than it already was
Now she has to go to trial
In front of the jury and judge
In front of her mother who knew
In front of him too
And she’s not afraid
Well she is
To see his eyes
She’s afraid that if she looks
Then she’ll never be able to forget
That he’ll haunt her dreams
More than he ever did before
But she’s ready to speak
She’s been silent her whole life
This she knows
That she has to do this
Not for her
But for every single
Little girl that has come before her
And any little girl that would come after her
Will never have to go through what she had to
She’s afraid but she’s ready
Come at me
With all you got

I have major depressive disorder and depressive episodes
I’ve tried so hard to dig myself out of this hole
But I’m stuck, so stressed
Even though I have nothing going on
I’m not doing anything
Ever
Just sad
I guess
I don’t know
More than that
It’s just everything
Not anything in particular
Okay, I’m lying
It’s my mom
The fact that she doesn’t even try
She doesn’t even try at all, ever
Like I wasn’t good enough for her
She doesn’t want to fight for me
She wants nothing to do with me
And I never did anything to her
I was good
I loved her
More than any scummy man could
But she doesn’t believe it
She doesn’t believe me
She hates me
Because I took her husband away
Testified and put him in prison
She sat with his family during the trial
She even testified against me
I know I should hate her
And I do more than anything
But I just want her to know
That I am worth something
At the very least
I am her child
She nursed and cradled me
I was her baby
At one point
She should care!
She should want me!
Why doesn’t she want me?

Happy enough to dream you

Manipulation is the root of all evil
Greedy words to get what you want
Always achieving, hurting other people

Sometimes I hate myself for the way I stared back at him in fear
I hate myself for how scared I was
Now I’m stronger than ever
But then again
He was really angry
And I was really young
He scared me, he truly did
But now I’m older
And I know now
He is just a coward

I lied for you
I lied for you
I lied for you

I let people walk all over me
Then apologize for not being a good enough doormat

Snakes wrapped around her legs
Pulling her down
Into the mud
Where all she can hear is negative
Makes her like them
She’s already starting to slip
She’s becoming mean
Negative
She looks to the sky
And sees a rainbow
All she’s gotta do is pull

I want to be the perfect girl for you
I want you to be able to think back on these years fondly
Looking back wondering how we ever drifted apart
If I have to lie to you
To protect you then I will
You don’t need the real me in your life
Baby, I’m a drag
I’m not perfect, I’m not what you deserve
I’m not pretty enough, smart, funny enough
I’m not the princess you think I am
I don’t want you to feel like you have to catch me when I fall
I love you but I don’t want you to feel like your burdened with a girl who can’t get it together
So I won’t tell you
Because I don’t want you to think I’m crazy
Or just maybe
That I don’t care enough about you
That I’m throwing my problems at your feet
That I’m making everything about me
Though sometimes I wish someone was there to hold me when I get like this
But I should be able to get through this myself
What would happen if you were gone?
Who would I lean to?
I need to get my act together
I need to straighten out my life before I bend and break
I just want it to be me and you at the lake
And I’ll do anything, anything it takes
To be a normal girl
To be your normal girlfriend
To be the girlfriend you deserve

Sometimes I wonder if I ever  knew my mother at all
Growing up I thought I knew her better than anyone
I was naive, I thought she loved me
No strings attached, even with my flaws
Which there were many
She seemed so loving in my earliest childhood years
Soothing my ever constant fears of being alone
It was hard growing up alone, with her
When she was there, then suddenly she  disappeared
Never to be the same mother, I had come to know
The weak fragile mother who needed me to comfort her
Sit with her while she drank her morning coffee
Who soaped my crazy hair as a baby in the kitchen sink
She was a mother, the only one I had ever known
Who became distant and uncaring when I began to mature
“He didn’t do that to you”
“I don’t believe you?’
“Why would he touch you?”
He was her husband
Her love
Mine wasn’t good enough
Remembering the woman I thought I knew is one of the hardest things I will have to do
Especially when she was the one person I was supposed to look up to
To be like her
Painless, unfeeling
Bury it deep so you never feel it
Ignore the problems and they’ll go away
No
That’s Her
Not me

Hold on
I’m not ready yet
To fall
To fly
I’m not ready to die
Maybe somedays I am
But right now
I’m stuck in the here and now
Not ready to hear how
I’m stuck here

My sister is one year old
She has our mother
And a father separate from mine
Caos, screaming, and violence
My mother leaves
My sister is four years old
Our mother takes her to the mall
To get orange Julius
They have a tiny kitty pool
In the backyard
Of our mother’s small townhouse
My sister is six years old
Our mother gets married  
To a man who would later die
Taking nothing but horrible memories with him
My sister is seven years old
I am born and she loves me
She holds me in her small arms
And knows that she has to protect me
Because if she doesn’t no one else will
If she doesn’t love me more than our mother does
Then I will never truly know kindness and love
That I would never have known how it feels to be held and loved with the force that no mother could give
My sister is twelve years old
My father dies
Not much else to say
Tragedy follows suit
Our mother spirals out of control
My strong sister takes again the role of a parent
To both my mother and I
Who thought she could take care of herself
My sister is fourteen years old
My mother remarries
To a man, she barely knows
Who screams and throws things
Who made us feel less because we stood our ground
My sister is sixteen
She is suicidal and feels there's nothing else to live for
Except for me
My sister is seventeen
She leaves to prepare her life for me
My sister is twenty-three
She accepts me into her home
When I am fifteen
And we have never been so happy

You never know what lurks in the darkness
I lurk in the darkness you don’t want them to see you so you hide your face, you hide your feelings you hide who you are
You don’t want them to see you
But I see you because I am here too
We are hiding for different reasons through different seasons
We hide in the dark because it feels safe
When the living room becomes an unwelcome space
And everything you say is wrong
And everything you do is just another reason for someone to judge you and blame you for things that you can’t control
And the fact that nobody liked you, until you stopped saying things that you really meant and started saying things that they wanted you say
And started acting like they wanted you to act and every day becomes another reason to hate yourself, another punch on a punchcard that you're going to heaven unlike those other kids like you who didn’t keep their mouths shut
But I am done standing in the shadows, done keeping my mouth shut
So do what you will, but now there's only you

I’m falling
No, I’m fine
Right now
I’m up and down
Never the same
Can’t pinpoint my emotions
Flying through the air
Then the next minute
Crashing through the sea
I don’t know what’s wrong with me
It’s like a malfunction in my software
I’m a glitch and everyone around me is okay
Everything is fine
But I’m upset
Then I’m happy
No not quite happy
Not quite anything
But not numb either
I don’t know what’s wrong
Will I ever?

Cascading waves of uncertainty
I wonder if I am nothing more than a warm body
If I gave it up too soon
Sweat, the heat under the blanket
If he loves me
If he could love me
Why am I so attached
I hate myself for my dependency
Please fall in love with me
If not please break my heart
I’d probably let you

The truth about monsters is that they look like real people
They will disguise themselves as your uncle or your stepdad
Or your too-friendly neighbor, a wolf in sheep's cloth
They will ask you to come over, and you will without thinking
Because they just seem so nice
And you’d never expect something to happen to you
But as soon as the doorway opens and they get the first chance
They will bite into your skin, leaving deep scars to last you a lifetime
Blemishes you will have to hide in case someone will ask how you’re doing
Excuses he has made incase you shout
That it wasn’t him, he cares too much, why would he do something like that to you
When he is just such a nice guy
Nobody believes you at first when you tell on him for the not so nice thing he did to you
Because nobody wants to believe he’s a monster
Instead, they will cast blame to you
Well, why were you there? What were you wearing?
You must have done something, because why else would he want to insert himself in your life so much

Seconds seem to last hours when I’m around you
It’s not a bad thing, it’s like the entire world stops and yields to our time
Like the hourglass freezes and it’s just you and me
Intertwined, slow dancing in the dark kitchen apartment
Trust in me because I believe in you
You’ve taught me there’s more to men than ruthlessness
You’ve shown me patience and gentleness I had yet to see to believe

I’d rather starve than eat something without knowing the calories
Count them
One hundred, two, three
Miraculously you’ve found something healthy
Honey, nothing about this is healthy
Mini rice cakes aren’t a meal
You’ve gone so long without eating something real
Watered down excuses, bent over the toilet
Foggy eyes, clear skies but you stay inside
There’s nothing normal about this
No matter how many forums you find
You will always be nothing but the girl who doesn’t eat lunch
You’ll always be the fat girl trying to cut weight
You’ll always be thin fingers and 5 calorie gum
Dropped 20 pounds and still can’t fit into size 12 jeans
Struggling staying in the 160s
You are not a success story
You’re lazy, you’re not doing this the right way
Stop just stop
Because you’re not going anywhere
Stuck on the scale

Yellow lights flash
Why won’t you stop
I was there
You weren't
You can’t tell me I didn’t see what I did
You can’t tell me it didn’t happen
Because I was there
I know sides of him you never did
I know the evil
I know the coaxing
The “is this alright”
You didn’t see how I shook
When I stood there and didn’t say anything
When I wished you wouldn’t have forced me to go
Because he was not my husband
He was yours
I wish I never even met him
I wish I never met you