I could write a song about all the syrupy soft words that poured down each boy’s chin
I could write a novel about every time I believed them and wanted them
Daydreamed about what it’d be like, me and him
Cried about how no one ever wants me
When they take back the affection I so desperately craved
It’s okay I guess I’m just crazy
Overzealous, jealous
Wanting things I’ll never have
When the first man who ever left me
Was my daddy
But that doesn’t matter
Hasn't bothered me
Anymore...
I’m just too much I guess
For everybody

Yellow lights flash
Why won’t you stop
I was there
You weren't
You can’t tell me I didn’t see what I did
You can’t tell me it didn’t happen
Because I was there
I know sides of him you never did
I know the evil
I know the coaxing
The “is this alright”
You didn’t see how I shook
When I stood there and didn’t say anything
When I wished you wouldn’t have forced me to go
Because he was not my husband
He was yours
I wish I never even met him
I wish I never met you

Mom
Didn't you know I needed you?
Momma
Don't you know I still need you?

Bruising the eye of the beholder
She means nothing to me
When the only thing I care about is you
Betrayal is lost in the abyss we call our lives
I never meant to hurt you
Can’t you see I did this for you
Don’t you know, that I did this to make you stronger
I did this to protect you
This wasn’t to hurt you
I swear I never meant to leave you there alone

Soft lips curl into mine
Your hands caress my face
I can’t get enough of you
We talk for hours
But I just want to see you in person
And be with you always
Maybe that’s weird

When I drive
By your house
I look for you
Against  my will
I have to
Just anything to see you
Even though I don’t love you anymore
Even though you never loved me
Seeing you just reminds me
How beautiful and cruel the world can be
Even though you never loved me
Even though you never cared
Just because you didn’t doesn’t mean I can’t
You probably think this is about you
Without knowing anyone else I’ve been with
But none of them made me hurt like you did

Where did you go?
sleepless night my mind where you are
Fluorescent street lights flicker while my eyes won’t stay shut
Soft grass beneath my feet
I’ll fly into your arms
My heart is aching
I don’t know how to make it stop
Everything you do is so magical
Concrete, scrapped knees
I’d feel better if I knew you believe

My sister held on to me
Like she was afraid to let go
I told her about my past
About what I didn’t want anyone to know
I told my suffering to my savior
And she held me tight
And told me she would take care of it
Tonight I cried
Because a little part of me died
When I told
What no one should ever know
Now no one can tell me
That I didn’t scream loud enough
That I didn’t cry hard enough
That it didn’t happen
Because my sister is here and she’s taking care of it
These are my secrets

Before I was scared that if I stared into his eyes
That I would be afraid again
That all my therapy and lessons I’ve learned
Would mean nothing and I would be manipulated once again
But instead, when I looked into his eyes I didn’t see the intimidating anger
The punishments, the fury
I saw a coward trying to scare me one last time
He looked really pathetic in his suit sitting next to his lawyer
Graying and thinning away
From the stress of his actions
I’m not scared anymore
I know what real love is now
I’m not alone anymore
And he can’t take anything away from me anymore

These poems are about me not you
About the pieces, I've given away
Not about what you've done to them

Running around with a guy twice your age
Practically
I bet you feel really brave
He’s so cute though you say
Mature, sure
Fifteen and twenty
Not that bad
Five years is plenty

I stood up for myself
For the first time in months
I think this might
Be the start to forgiving
Myself

It’s because of you this happened
Everything is because of you
And her
My mother
Because she didn’t protect me
And because you didn’t care about me
It’s because of you that I’m always scared
And mad
Mad that this happened to me
When God knows it shouldn’t have
I have no job experience
I have no volunteer experience
Because I sat in that house neglected for entire days by myself with no means of transportation
The only volunteer experience I have was with you when you molested me
And I’m not putting that down
So thank you
Thank you for making me cry in random classes at random times of the day
Because I can’t stop thinking about what you did to me
Now I can’t finish my homework
Because I don’t know what to put down
I’m writing this so I don’t get emotional
When I shouldn’t be
Because nothing is wrong anymore
I’m not hungry anymore
I’m not by myself
And I don’t have to be scared of you anymore
But I still am
And I wish I wasn’t
I wish that I was normal
And I had a real chance to survive in this world like everyone else did
I wish that I would have taken chances
I wish that I would have told sooner
I wish that my mom would’ve cared enough to help me
But she didn’t and I didn’t and you didn’t
No one did anything
And now I’m here
In this class
Writing this
When I should be doing my homework
Angry, When I should be happy
Remembering what never should have happened
I really don’t know what to put down
Because I just don’t
And I don’t want to put your name down
Your name makes me ***** in my mouth
I hate you
I wish you would just drop over dead
But I know God doesn’t want me to do that
He wants me to pray for you
But I don’t know if I can
Because I don’t wish anything good for you
I wish you everything you have ever done to me or my family ten times over
I wish you ever word, every touch bite against skin brass knuckles bruised lips from not speaking a word
I wish you all the hell you ever did on to me
I wish you a lifetime of tears
I wish you poor body image and low self esteem
I wish you every tear I ever shed because of you
In an ocean that would drown you
But because I’m a good person
I wish you realization
Correction
I wish you not a happy time
But a time of learning

Girl with wide eyes
Says she overdosed
They say they don’t know why
Maybe she was just upset that day
Her mother gave her a notebook
That said “Life is what you make it”
Then left her alone
She told many people
How afraid she was of her own mind
How she didn’t want to be alive anymore
How she was running out of time
But nobody listened
And now they’re all surprised
That a quiet little girl with wide eyes
Felt this way inside
Her mother didn’t care
She told her many times
Of the times when she hurt herself
Even showed her the scars
Her mother didn’t help
Ignored her cries
This wasn’t her first time
But it was by far the worst
She took an entire bottle of aleve
Then waited for her pain to be relieved
But it wasn’t, her stomach cramped and she threw up
Nine hospital days later
Her ***** was still in the toilet unflushed
The pills still in a row
Her tear-soaked note
Exactly the way she left it
No one cared to go up there
To see what she had done
No one cared until
Law enforcement got involved
She was struggling
But nobody
Heard her

We were exactly the same
Except not
Exactly
You were a real person whereas I
Am fake, everything about me is borrowed and reproduced
The rope keeping me Tethered is frayed and loose
You and I were exactly the same
Except you were better than me
And it wasn’t your fault, maybe it was my fault
Because I always tried to be you
But no one can be you
No one can be me
But who would want to be me
When all I do is try to be other people
I’m selfish
I care about other people, but sometimes I don’t
Hysteria is a daily routine
I’m over dramatic and fake
I feel manufactured and plastic
You know I’m selfish because the only pronouns I use are me, me me and I
I need to think about other people
I need to be myself

“I don’t blame you”
“You were young”
Influenced
Verbatim
You said while still ******* me with your eyes
You called me a liar
In the same sentence, you asked me to change in front of you
Into a blue and green bikini
I asked if I could change in the bathroom
You said you wouldn’t hurt me
You were an adult
And your job was to protect me
I wonder if that’s why your daughters left
Because you protected them too much
You made me stretch out on the floor
I can’t say I was naked
But I think I was
Because you wanted me to do situps
Then you wanted to blow on my stomach
But said you couldn’t because I was too old
You asked me what the worst thing I ever did was
I panicked because I didn’t want to get in trouble with anything I said
So I said something about my friend
And how I ditched her in third grade
For another friend
You said the worst thing I ever did was lying about you watching me in the shower
When I was in fourth grade
It was weird
Because no one had ever monitored me while I showered before
No one had ever opened the curtain and directed me
I was a big girl I could’ve taken my own shower
While talking to my mom about it years later
I found out you lied
You told her you were outside the door
Not the curtain
The worst thing I ever did
Was not telling sooner

The first time hit me like a fast-moving pickup truck
Speeding down the highway
I was always an obedient girl, I listened when I was told no
So why couldn’t he?
Pictures would show, adolescent depression
Fragile youth shadowed by absent lies
As my world caved through I believed in myself enough to write
I could never write in a diary or make things seem like they were about me
Him, me or him
Poetry saved me
I’ve never been able to write an autobiography
This may be as close as I’ll ever far
This is me
This is my story

Late night on the phone
But he never seems too far away
My heart tears in agony
Softly screaming
The sound of his voice is reassurance
He’s here
My heart is jumping again

Bleach blonde
Bikini body
Red stained knuckles
Reaching for something healthy
Unattainable
Teeth mark scars
Take something from me that I don’t have
One more crunch
One less rice cake
Don’t listen to the tsunami upstairs
It’ll fill your head with a million reasons
To give yourself up
Reach down your throat to your belly
To become the girl you hate more than ever
Spraying perfume on bottle cap wrists
Twisted at an angle for your fifth body check picture today
Beauty is the only thing I wanted
I’m not sure if I’ll ever get there

Pulp stain
On the rug
Red juice
Tender wounds
Break open
Peeling from skin
Crisp, fresh metal
Icy, hot flesh
Hot, burning
Explode
Red stains on the rug

I had all of you
Some of you
Then none
I’m haunted by the memory of you
I can feel him slipping through my fingers
Once again I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t gotten attached
Because I’ve given my heart already, he doesn’t know

Fix yourself
Before something worse happens
Then it’ll be harder
To dig  yourself out of this hole
You’re not as bad as you think you are
You’ve made many mistakes
You’ve become toxic
But you can still be the nice girl that you used to be
That you want to be
It’s okay
You’ll be okay
It’s time to start taking care of yourself
Standing up for yourself
Loving yourself
Because you can’t help anyone
If you can’t help yourself
It’s okay
Fight harder
Be nice
Stand up for yourself
You’ll be fine
Focus on
You

I had an episode yesterday
I didn’t mean to
I just couldn’t stop crying
I was hyperventilating
Crying so hard that I could be heard in the next room
Harsh loud sobs that I had to cover with a shirt because I kept getting yelled at
I gagged and eventually, I had to take it out but I just couldn’t stop crying
I couldn’t stop thinking that I was a mistake and how I didn’t deserve to live
How everyone does everything for me and I just take it for granted
I try not to talk back but I get so defensive and I don’t think before I talk
I get into things and don’t listen even though I’m 17 and I’m old enough to know
My brain just keeps thinking about it and thinking about it
Then I tell myself no
But then I think about it again
And take only a little bit because then no one will notice
But they do
Then when I get in trouble I cry
Because I feel like I’m no good
And I feel so guilty
I know it’s my fault
I know I ******* up
But I can’t stop crying
Then I got so upset that my nose started bleeding
I was rocking, holding the stuffed cow my mom gave me
And I thought It was just hot tears coming out fast
But they started to rain faster
And I looked down, It was blood
All over my cow
So I started to ball
Because I was afraid he was ruined
That I could never hold him again
And think of the good parts of my old life
The horrible life I can’t seem to throw away
So I put him into the washer
Got detergent everywhere because I was rushing
Got yelled at again about how I can’t just do that
Got yelled at again to stop crying
Told there's nothing to cry about
And there wasn’t
It’s been a week since I’ve taken my meds
I take anti-depressants and antipsychotics
It’s hard to go cold turkey
It’s been more like a week and a half
I don’t know but it seems like forever
Nothing makes me happy
I’ve been depressed for weeks
First I was angry for months
Now I can’t even be the same person I was
Except on holidays
Except when I’m having a lowkey day
And finally, pull myself together
No one believes that I’m suicidal
Like it’s such a rare thing to be
I want to cut
I want to throw myself off a cliff into a river
I want to do something
I want to overdose like I always resort to doing
But I can’t because the pills in the cabinet aren't mine
And I’m not going to steal from the people who care about me the most
I just wish they’d kick me out
Stop caring so much
Because I don’t deserve it
I done so many dumb stupid mean things
I can’t let it go
I can’t get over it when everyone thinks I’m so nice and sweet and perfect
I’m not
I didn’t want to get up this morning
I just wanted to lay there
I still do
Because the blanket is so warm
When the rest of me is freezing
Like a big warm hug
I can’t show this to anyone
Because they’d just put me in a hospital
And I can’t go back
I don’t deserve the friends I have
Most of them are so good to me
But they have other people they’re best friends with
And I ditched them all when I shouldn’t have
Now I regret it
I’m not mad at anyone
I just don’t want to talk
Explain myself again
When no one understands
Or belives me
And tries to tell me
That what I’m feeling isn’t really what I’m feeling
How would they know
They haven’t been inside my head
I probably need to go to a hospital
Even I know this
But I can’t
I have school I have to go to
I have everything I could possibly want
I shouldn’t be upset

Love
So stupid
It’s not real
The feelings were though
Loving every part of you
Was so easy, was so hard
To make you love me, Love me
Like I did you, am I so unlovable?
That you can’t look at me? I can’t even
Am I so bad? So ugly? Can’t you love me?

Cry me a river
until windswept tears pour down your reddened cheeks
This is to the girls who feel everything
The girls who know how it feels to have your heart abandoned and left for dead
Who takes each step with a shattering breath, moving backward instead of towards her goal

I am drinking a diet coke and dying
You know that you’re sick when even the stench of food makes you want to gag
And it’s easy now to make other excuses for why you’re not eating, because there not excuses anymore
Food just doesn’t taste like it should anymore, it makes my stomach feel tight and uncomfortable even when I’m eating a small amount
I feel disgusted after I eat a big meal, and sometimes it’s hard to hold back my *****
But now I can’t purge my food because I’ve already destroyed my gag reflex brushing my tongue is a nightmare
I can say that my eating disorder is in the past but it always seems to creep back into my life slowly like an unforgotten ex slipping into my sheets, infecting my brain, making me sick
There's just foods that I can’t stand the sight of anymore, and I don’t know if it’s because of my pills or my eating disorder
I can’t stand most cheeses
Most chocolates
Sweet things in general
Anything dripping with grease makes me want to hurl
When I imagine my “perfect body” I want to be curvy but so thin my ribs show with tall legs and small hips
You can only be either or
You can’t have all
I am drinking a diet coke and dying
I’ve spent time with other people like me, and it made me realize just how sick I am and how sick eating disorders are in general
That’s why I need to write about this and talk about this so maybe one day i can stop feeling like this and make sure no one else decides to do this
Eating disorders are nothing to make light of
Cleaning your ***** out of the bathtub is not what I imagined I’d be doing when I was my goal weight
Along time ago this used to be my goal weight, but I am never done
Eating disorders are a virus infecting your system, a fungus infecting your brain
Collarbones and hip bones are not the only thing that matter
I am drinking diet coke and dying
I used to be so ashamed to talk about it, because when you’re sick it’s embarrassing to talk about it
But you need to talk about so you can get help for it, and make sure that no one else feels like that
Worshipping the way your body feels in a corset you wear under your clothes hands stitched from years of looking in the mirror and hating your body
Fabricated from the lies you told yourself, when you tried to convince the world you weren’t sick
You’re sick and you need to talk about this so no one else feels sick too
I am drinking a diet coke and dying
But I will stop so you don’t have to

**** her!
I was scared
She was an adult
I was 10
I was 11,12,13,14
15!
I grew up being molested
I grew up in fear
She’s the one who put me there
Who kept me there
Why?
If she was so scared why didn’t she try to leave
She didn’t even try once
Because she loved him more than me
She didn’t care what was happening to me

I used to think of myself as broken glass
So breakable and fragile who couldn’t handle being dropped
A girl balancing on the edge of okay
If I had hurt myself or someone hurt me
I would pick up the pieces
But cut myself again on the sharp edges
No boy could ever love me enough
When I thought that them loving me is the only way I’d feel completely totally enough
Not too much
Lord knows I was already too much space to waste on a self when you could have much prettier dainty things
truly perfect and imperfect but in the most magical ways
Like girls in movies
Quirky but also crazy
Beautiful and they love themselves
Because there's nothing not to love
I’m realizing now that I’m not breakable
That I can’t just be tossed away and thrown to the side
I have spirit
And that can never be cracked
With everyone who has ever loved me
Or stopped loving me, or never loved me
It will only start to matter when I love me
When I am perfect to me
And my quirks are only part of the package
Not wrapped for someone else
But for me
I’m the one who has to live in this body, in this mind
I can handle having a couple of scratches and fogged glass
But I am not broken

Hair tucked neatly behind her ear
She moves in the same direction never straying the path that is mine
Leading to my heart
Swaying to the parts of her I never knew I needed
Beautiful in the way I remember her last
Breath inhaled sharply turn to see her leave
I’m not ready to believe she can be happy without me
But nervous in the same way I can never be free of her presence
Haunting me, her softness
Still teases me
I wonder if she dreams of me
Lips puckered, pink cherry blossom
To the sound of my voice
“Come here”
“Leave”
These words sound the same
Only my twisted mind is to be blamed

I’m so dumb

I can’t forgive her
More than that I don’t want to forgive her
I don’t want to heal according to some book
That doesn’t know me or what I’ve been through
I don’t want to read a book
That wants me to forgive, forget and accept her back into my life
Because I won’t do that
I can’t do that
Yes I’m hurt
Yes I’m angry
But I don’t want to hurt according to the guidelines
Of somebody else

Today was rough
All I want is my mom
But not her
Someone loving

You hold bones just to break them
You saw me drowning in a shallow kitty pool
The one that you filled up
With  years of little nitpicks about my body
And my own self worth
You acted surprised when I couldn’t hold my breath any longer
My bones weren't strong enough to handle your snaps
Weak from the lack of calcium
From the lack of food in general
Why didn’t you say anything the first time you heard the tsunami coming from the upstairs bathroom?
When my tears could fill an entire mason jar you bought for the sole purpose of drinking your morning coffee
Why didn’t you tell me I was wrong?
I was 115 pounds and thought I was too big
Maybe you did too
Is that Why didn’t you say anything?

Momma called me fat
Maybe if I stop eating
She’ll be the one who’s bigger

He used to tell me that my mother didn’t love me
He used to tell me that no one would ever love me if I didn’t change who I was
The molestation was bad but that was not the worst
He terrorized me for years
I was told I didn’t deserve privacy
That my body was not my own and he had the right to look if he so chooses
He followed me and my mom to groceries stores screaming that we spent too much money
Or he would call her on the phone
We were terrified that he would follow us home
Scream at us, with pitted balled fists
Slamming on kitchen counters
Kicking the door frame until the door won’t shut anymore
Criticizing me until I couldn’t stand it anymore
Calling us stupid, worthless
I’ll never forget the day I ran away on my bike
I could see his truck passing by so I hid from him
Then when I was on my way back he got in my face
Like he was going to push me or hit me
His face was so red and his eyes slanted in fury
He lifted my bike over his head then threw it in the back of his truck
I hurried into the back so he wouldn’t have time to touch me
He screamed at me in the truck
Asking where I was
Demanding an answer
I lied and I hoped he wouldn’t notice
He did everything he could to scare me
Some nights I would hear a car driving past
I would be so scared that it was him
I would stay up the entire night just to make sure it wasn’t him
How do I prove that it was fear
How do I prove to a jury of my peers
That I was afraid he would **** us one day
How do I tell you how scared I was
Why doesn’t my mom believe me about the ****** abuse
She was there!
She knows how my legs would shake as I heard him approach the door
How does she not believe me?
She was scared of him too
She knew about certain things
Not the worst things
But that should have been enough
For her to leave him
How do I prove to my mother that it happened
How do show her how scared I was

I am a girl with a lot of problems
His attorney tells the court
I am a whirlwind of poor coping skills
Used to deal with the trauma he may or may not have caused
I know I’m immature
I can’t help it, I’ve never thought any other way
I don’t know-how
To be different than I am now
I leave bruises on my own arms from biting myself when I’m angry
I know it’s not a good way to calm myself
But it’s the only thing I’ve come to find that helps
You know I may or may not be everything or nothing that has been said in that courtroom
That heaven smiled upon me when they chose to lock him away
My truth stood ground
But my world shattered
Every year I grow dumber
My mental health never inclines
And now I’m wondering if that is all his fault
Or is it mine?

My mother thinks my father killed himself
He was crushed to death
I don’t know how
I was never told
But I’ve come to understand that his death might not have been accidental
According to my mother
He had a few mere seconds of unbearable pain before he passed
At the funeral while my family mourned
I wondered how anyone could look so lifeless and feel so cold
I was four
He looked like he was in a soundless slumber
Having the most pleasant peaceful dream
After the funeral
A blonde haired women glared at me as I started to cry
I never knew her name
Years later I would only know my father by his old t-shirts my mother would wear to bed
As my mother spun out of control
I spun on the merry-go round wondering why life was so cold
As I spun, empty and motionless
Six year old me would see a father pushing his girls on the swing set
Only I would find that unbearable to see
A year later, when I am seven a new father comes along
He is nice, at first
three months later
He is your stepfather
The only one you could ever remember
The one you wish you could forget
Years later you’ll keep his secrets
And he’ll tell all yours
My mother thinks my father killed himself
Sometimes you’ll wish he didn’t

In this moment I love you
It doesn’t matter what I don’t know about you
But everything about you fits so perfectly
In this moment
In my world where nothing ever goes right
Except when it does
In this moment
My heart is yours
This time
Am I stupid?
I am in love with you
Right now

I screamed so loud
Without making a sound
I didn’t move
I didn’t say anything
Silent
“Keep your mouth shut”
And if you didn’t
“You’re lying”
He’d say
But I wasn’t
“Stop!”
But I didn’t say that
I just stood there
And waited for him to be done
For him to go home
I held my tears for a long time
I didn’t cry until weeks later
Because I refused to think about it
Because it was just too painful to relive it
The guilt
The disgust
The embarrassment
The Silence

I act like the only bad thing that’s happened to me
Is not having anybody
To date
What’s wrong with me
Seriously

Breathe me in
Just to spit me out
If you’re not going to stay
Just leave already
I’m done
But I’ve said so many times that it feels almost normal
I forgot the word No
The word go
It’s time to focus on myself
Everything me
The spaces between
Everything from the outside to the middle
I don’t need anybody
I’m fine by myself
You’re nothing to me
But once you were my everything
I saw myself in you
Now I can’t recognize my reflection
I look for you everywhere
But you’re nowhere to be found

My mother was quiet
My father was loud
His words
His hands
The sound of the belt crackling in his palms
Though through all this my mother was silent
My mother moved through the house like wind
Silence crashing into the quiet, small spaces between
My father stomped, pounded his way like thunder
Never breaking through the ever-growing tension he built brick by brick
My mother knew more than she would tell
Her silence melted into our very beings
Shutting us out from any reality
Shutting us out from any chance that we could be happy
My father never broke, bent, snap
Stern, overbearing
My mother was quiet

Velvet lip palette
She paints her lips
We all know what goes on inside
That pretty little mind
She slits her wrists with the same hand she wings her eyeliner with

She’s gone
I tried everything
I could
I can’t handle change
I loved her
Done everything I could think of
But it wasn’t enough

I have to see him
He’ll sit at the same table as me
If my mom is there
I think I’ll ball
I have to be brave
I’m afraid I’ll cry
His eyes are so cold
And angry
And scary
I have nightmares about them
About him
And what happened
Him screaming at me
To shut up
That I’m lying
That nothing I ever do is good enough
That not even my own mother could love me enough
I have to be brave
Even though every day I want to cry
Even though i’ve been skipping meals when I’m upset
Even though everytime I think about it or speak about it
The words ***** out of my mouth
And I’m okay
I’m fine
I’m crying
I’m brave
He’s not here
He can’t hurt me
I’m fine
I’m fine
I’m okay I promise
I’m not bleeding on the inside
I’m not having flashbacks
Okay I am
Every day
Every minute
That’s all I can think about
But I’m okay
I’m fine
I promise

I don’t need others to like me
As long as I like myself
That’s all
Right?

It’s because of you this happened
Everything is because of you
And her
My mother
Because she didn’t protect me
And because you didn’t care about me
It’s because of you that I’m always scared
And mad
Mad that this happened to me
When God knows it shouldn’t have
I have no job experience
I have no volunteer experience
Because I sat in that house neglected for entire days by myself with no means of transportation
The only volunteer experience I have was with you when you molested me
And I’m not putting that down
So thank you
Thank you for making me cry in random classes at random times of the day
Because I can’t stop thinking about what you did to me
Now I can’t finish my homework
Because I don’t know what to put down
I’m writing this so I don’t get emotional
When I shouldn’t be
Because nothing is wrong anymore
I’m not hungry anymore
I’m not by myself
And I don’t have to be scared of you anymore
But I still am
And I wish I wasn’t
I wish that I was normal
And I had a real chance to survive in this world like everyone else did
I wish that I would have taken chances
I wish that I would have told sooner
I wish that my mom would’ve cared enough to help me
But she didn’t and I didn’t and you didn’t
No one did anything
And now I’m here
In this class
Writing this
When I should be doing my homework
Angry, When I should be happy
Remembering what never should have happened
I really don’t know what to put down
Because I just don’t
And I don’t want to put your name down
Your name makes me ***** in my mouth
I hate you
I wish you would just drop over dead
But I know God doesn’t want me to do that
He wants me to pray for you
But I don’t know if I can
Because I don’t wish anything good for you
I wish you everything you have ever done to me or my family ten times over
I wish you ever word, every touch bite against skin brass knuckles bruised lips from not speaking a word
I wish you all the hell you ever did on to me
I wish you a lifetime of tears
I wish you poor body image and low self esteem
I wish you every tear I ever shed because of you
In an ocean that would drown you
But because I’m a good person
I wish you realization
Correction
I wish you not a happy time
But a time of learning

There’s nothing to be said
But so much I wanted to scream
Angry, punching walls
Breaking down the doors that separated her from the outside world
She was crazy
It was getting harder to breathe
Under the water, trapped in a small room getting smaller
You felt like you were going to explode
All the things you wanted to say stuck inside your brain like a melody
But only nonsense spilled out onto the carpeted floor
He’s angry
But you didn’t say anything
He screams at you to speak
But your eyes are glued to the floor
And your lips stuck shut
You’re shaking
But he can’t see that
He’s staring at the reflection of himself in your eyes
But for some reason he can’t see how terrifying and unreasonabele he is
She can see everything around her start to move
Shaky, dizzy
Suddenly she’s on the ground
The sky spinning above her
She’s never felt like this before
So out of control
Crazy
You can hear the voices of people
But you don’t see anything
You look around
But it is only you
Like it always was
Breath in shallow gasps
I turn around
He’s gone

Demons still haunt me behind my eyes
Ghost of my past coming back to lurk in my wakening days
Witching hour
Three am
We don’t have to die so soon
At least wait until afternoon

I hope to God that she was doing her best
But her best just wasn’t good enough
It’s sad to say, but deep in my heart I want to say she tried
When she tucked us into bed and made dinner even when she was tired
I want to know that she loved me even on the darkest of days in her own way
Even though she chose him over me