I died for you once
And I told myself-
I would never again
Make a graveyard out of a garden

- why do I always cut away the flowers to make room for tombstones

You will say thank you,
for loving me like a prayer.
Because you think the only way-
someone could love you was through divine intervention.
You, a girl who is not quite yet a women.
You still think you can make men out of monsters-
That you only must show love to get it in return.
You have not yet learned
That some monsters
Have given their souls a long time ago.
That the blood that they taste on their tongue
no longer tastes like rust,
It’s what keeps them alive.
And he keeps you because
You liken him to godly-
And he hasn’t felt that kind of reverence in a long time.


- he will will take the innocent you wear like a shield and break it down until there is nothing left, not even him.

I can no longer let your sins
Drag me down
I am so tired of trying to learn
how to breathe at the bottom of your secretes
Truth has never been our family currency
But I can no longer pay in blood
I will try truth and see how it feels on my tongue
(your actions have consequences and you never cared who paid them)
It took me my entire childhood to understand this lesson
(I convinced myself I could love you enough that you would start to love yourself)
I was wrong
(every time that you had to choose between yourself and me
I always lost)
Trying to understand that you would always choose yourself over me was a very hard thing to swallow.
(you will tell yourself in the darkness of the night that you both did the best you could)
I am a church of scars and I have one for every time you let me drown alone.
- you will not love me when I tell you the truth

I want to be
Alive.
Alive.
Alive.
I want to feel my heartbeat thrumming
all the way down to my very finger tips
I want the golden sunshine to warm
My body
My soul
I want it to reach inside me
and make the wild flowers grow
in the darkest parts of me
So I can be vibrant
So I can now have a reason to tend to me
I have spent to long not loving those dark parts of me
but now I can become a garden full of honey
And safe place for bees
A safe place for me
My body will be my own again
I will have no place for what you did to me.

- I have spent to long not loving myself

Let your word
       Not be wasted
             In the ears of stubborn
      Let your silence
             Silence  the noise
        Of ignorance and negativity.
                      be still
           Is to be at peace with  yourself
                           Know your worth
                                      Trust the process
                                                 Stay in faith
            create the future you ought to have
                                              And where you ought
                                                                ­To be.

I thought I understood grief.
But I didn’t until-
I was standing alone in a room.
Missing so many parts of myself,
because I kept giving them away
So the people I love
could keep on living.
-
- they are scavengers and they will pick you clean until it is only your bones that shine in the sun.

When everything is said and done
I will collect the pieces of yourself you left behind on our living room floor
I will place them in a box and I will put them on my shelf
for a time-
They will cry for you to come back and claim them again
Like me-
they will tell themselves
You would never decide you could live without them
But eventually-
they will grow dust
and become tired of longing for someone
who will never come back
And so will I

- We are more than the love they did not give