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Destiny Jul 2019
What he should've been:
a protector...
a mentor...
a body guard...
a role model...
a leader...
a supporter...
a loving brother...

What he's been:
a predator...
a bad influence...
a target thrower...
a pushover...
a follower...
a hater...
a brother who used me...

I'm the only daughter in a family full of men and my oldest brother living at home thought I was the perfect target for ****** assault.

****...I do not like the word **** and quite frankly it is overused and joked about too often!!!

One day I will feel the justice I deserve...it will not be from his mouth or my mothers mouth or anyone else's mouth, but MINE! Mine is all that matters!!! The validation coming from my lips...NOT HIS!!!

My older brother...his name is Robert, but I wish to secretly call him Bob just so I can gain a simple laugh and humiliate him in my mind...

My older brother...
My older brother is EVIL
Destiny Jul 2019
Okay.
I love my family, but they are the most toxic people in my life.
I love being happy, but being happy only means that bad things are to come.
I love my smile, but that's the only thing I like about my appearance.
I love having friends, but that only means I have to socialize and show my body in public and how awkward I am.

Okay.
Now that I have you all intrigued at the fact that I am trying to impress myself within society, here's the real deal...

I do love my family and they are toxic, but what does that mean?
That means that even though I wish to escape the abuse, I have to stick around because of my attachment issues that come with having severe anxiety when I can't make them all happy...it simply means I'm trapped.

I do love being happy and it is true that it means bad things will come. I'm also really terrified of being happy though because all my life it's been confusion and chaos that I've gotten comfortable with. Hospital stays, suicide attempts, medication changes, and staying in bed until I was sore!

I do love my smile and it is the only thing I like about my appearance. Hmm...why? " You are so beautiful just the way you are!" "God made you how he needs you." Look, I get it, I shouldn't worry about what I look like but how can I help it when everywhere I look I see "perfect?"
At first, I didn't eat for one meal, then two, then a whole day, and then 36 hours. It slowly turned into me eating "normally" and then getting rid of it by shoving ******* down my throat hoping my gag reflex would wake up...now I gag just swallowing food. I don't get rid of the food anymore, I'm getting help and realizing that food is not bad. I'm trying to accept myself for me...not for anyone else.

I love my friends...I really do, but society scares me into thinking that my friends don't love me. Social anxiety is something that I'm actually not diagnosed with but I should be. I mean when I have to take a tangle into the grocery store just to get milk and I skip plans with friends because I'm afraid of getting hurt by other people...I think I have social anxiety along with generalized anxiety where I'm scared and worried about everything!
I'm okay...this came out of nowhere, but I'm proud and I hope y'all enjoy!!! Let me know if you could relate to any of this!
Destiny Jul 2019
a suicidal soul.
a lost soul.
a hopeless soul.
a dumb soul.
a useless soul.
a forgotten soul.
why would heaven want this soul?
Destiny Mar 2019
The darkness that surrounds me is the darkest its ever been.
Each day I'm struggling to find myself in the wind.
Too often I feel alone even though I've got an army.
The labels I'm known for will never truly be put on me.
The light at the end of the tunnel doesn't seem bright enough.
Each waking moment becomes more rough.
Each step I take I fall to my knees.
I'm begging for help, PLEASE!
Destiny Mar 2019
As a child I thought everything was "normal". I thought I was invisible...just a passing soul. I thought the yelling I heard was just as effective as talking. I thought the coffee cups that hit the floor were meant to shatter. I thought I was important. I thought I was smart. I thought that the separation was a vacation. I thought that the word "****" meant "I loved you" because I heard it so much. I thought it was "normal." I thought every slap or punch was a joke. I thought I was the one to be protected. I thought I was the good one. I thought the "drugs" were actually helping. I thought the bullies would stop when I broke down. I thought I had friends. I thought it was "normal." I thought **** wasn't a real thing until it happened to me. I thought I was the problem. I thought you loved me. I thought the first time I wanted to die, I really wanted to die, but now I want to live!!!

— The End —