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Jul 2018 · 148
lonely
Dev Jul 2018
I am lonely,
for the first time in my life
I am well and truly
lonely.

I long for human connection
to inspire me
feed my creativity
make me whole

It is barely past
the beginning of my
new beginning
and I'm lonely.

I already miss my companions
even though
nothing has changed for them
everythings changed for me

I'm so lonely
but I have to deal
because I made this choice
and I'll be ****** if I prove them right,
Jul 2018 · 272
i m p a s s e
Dev Jul 2018
I am at an impasse.
I can no longer write.
As i sit here dread and agony
boils and rages inside me.
Festering until it manifests
into...
Me.
into...
agony and rage.
I can't produce music
I can't write the poetry
I can't paint my visions
so here I will force myself
to get something
anything
out.
No matter if its good
it is me
where my head is at
and so hopefully
this neither here nor there piece
can drag me out of this rut
like a tow-truck to a hippie van
thats been bogged in the mud
for months on end.
And so
I'll end this piece
with some food for thought
just one word






ugh.
just the words from my head. take it or leave it.
Jul 2018 · 198
I’m fine
Dev Jul 2018
-
I’m fine,
Don’t  worry about these little things.
I know it gets better.
it always gets better..
You don’t need to help me,
This happens all the time.
I’m fine
-
Jul 2018 · 123
-
Dev Jul 2018
-
I am a failure.
A waste of sacred space.
Biological material that would've
been better spent on
something or
someone else.
A failure.
A dissapointment
and I'm used to being such because
the oxygen thats given to me
for free
is no longer wanted.
instead I breathe
anger
and sadness.
and frustration.
I rarely move from my bed.
As i write this all down,
there's an incessant pound
of the thoughts blocking up
my head.
I haven't seen daylight since Saturday.
My mother demands to know if I'm okay
and I'm not
I'm really ******* not.
but this voice in my head whispers
and whispers.
I'm a failure.
A waste of sacred space.
Biological material that would've
been better spent on
something or
someone else.
A failure.
A burden.
these thoughts swim round in my head
that I'm better off dead
or at least they could be happier
if I was.
Then i wouldn't have to make sure
i was smiling every single second
so my friends could spend less time
bothering about me
and more time
being drama queens.
Then I wouldn't be pushed to the point where i was honest
and annoyed them
because who the hell likes to hear about your mentality?
not me.
Id rather spend my days sleeping the sadness away.
because
I'm a failure.
A waste of sacred space.
Biological material that would've
been better spent on
something or
someone else.
A failure.
Jul 2018 · 223
“Wait”
Dev Jul 2018
You told me that you’d wait forever
For me, for you, for us.
And when the time came, we’d be together.
You told I could trust.
You asked me to be quiet,
not to tell a soul.
You told me to be patient
Cos we would have it all.
You told me just to lie a little
To my family and my friends
But then I grew tired of being quiet.
I grew tired of the dead ends.
And so I confided in you,
The only way I knew.
And in reply we fought,
Anger and confusion consumed you.
and then we never really spoke,
It all just seemed to end.
The memories, 3 am calls,
Our whole relationship, not even friends.
I think you may have never known
How to let me down,
So instead you just played along
Until you weren’t around.
Never a good bye to me,
Not even in a call.
But looking at your Facebook now,
I’m wondering why I ever loved you at all.
You never forget.
Jun 2018 · 540
trapped
Dev Jun 2018
I am trapped here,
within the confines
of you.

This metal cage
you have me locked in,
your protection...

It's smothering me,
killing me,
sending me to my grave.

You seem to have lost the key somewhere
in your belief that you are right.
and that I am wrong.

"live! live!" you cry, whilst
i sit here, dying.
because this is killing me

I could be cliche,
tell you why the caged bird sings,
because of her dreams and hopes.

that despite her hardships,
she's happy, because she
still can sing

but what good will it do
if the caged bird only lies
and cries in her bed at night
when no one can hear her

The truth is
the caged bird dies
every time, because
she never learns to fly.
I need to make my own mistakes, I need to make my own decisions, I need to live my life instead of just witnessing it.
Jun 2018 · 205
Unexpected and sickening
Dev Jun 2018
Hands on thighs,
And spinning lies;
You got exactly what
You came for.

Literally.
Figuratively.
Methaphorically.
Truthfully.

Phot­os abound
When I’m not around
And my friends are
Using my phone.

Bizarre.
Unwanted.
Unneeded.
Strange.

I told you once, twice, thrice,
Yet you still roll those dice.
You’re a terrible gambler
Bad timing yet no tells.

So now I need new locks
So I don’t have to see your...//BLOCKED\\
Give a girl more warning
Next time please.
Jun 2018 · 123
.SOS.
Dev Jun 2018
Lately, I find you in the most astounding things,
I find you in my music, in the songs you’ve shown me, or that remind me of you.
I find you in my poetry, both romantic and dreary.
I find you in my artwork, the ones that you’ve made me or I’ve bought.
I find you in the people I meet, who say things that remind me of us, of you.
I find you in my twinkle lights at 1 am, flickering away at my heart,
Sending a series of morse code only the two of us might understand.
SOS
I’m drowning in the reminders of you.
I find you everywhere
Jun 2018 · 129
lifetime
Dev Jun 2018
Let's write a story
of you and I,
and all the things
we whisper at night

Our hopes and dreams
the castle we'll own
when we leave this town
to make it on our own

The jobs we'll have
the people we'll meet
the shop we'll own
on an odd and quirky street

You'll be the chef,
I'll be the waitress,
I'll let you be the boss sometime
if I'm feeling so gracious

Then a few years pass by
all is going well
Out of the blue you're on one knee
Enchanting me with your spell.

The wedding is oh so beautiful
sending guests home in awe
After the honeymoon,
the emotions are still so raw

We save and we save
till we're blue in the face
Till we buy our first home
filled with gorgeous green landscape

And then we'll have kids
no gender preffered
They'll grow up surrounded
By love and and kindly words

And they'll write their own story
with someone special they meet
They'll start a brand new book,
the journeys all they need

I'll spend the rest of mine with you
till I'm fresh out of ink
because this life will pass you by
within a simple blink.
Jun 2018 · 93
Untitled
Dev Jun 2018
I would like to be nothing
Jun 2018 · 103
feels
Dev Jun 2018
I love being in love with you
But I hate feeling so ******* alone
Jun 2018 · 115
MEMESUS
Dev Jun 2018
"Let's create a religion"
He beamed with a smile
drawing some semi ******* figures
upon my newly decorated wall

And now, two days later
I'm smiling at your
saviour, christened
Memesus.
Dev Jun 2018
help.
it's my seventeenth birthday today
what shall I wear?
do i even care?
i'd just like to stay in bed.

Help.
It's my seventeenth birthday today
Now I'll dress up
And put on all my makeup.
And try to forget the dread.

Help!
It's my 17th birthday today.
She said I have to mature
Like a grown up, I'm sure.
But I can't let it go to my head.

help.
its my seventeenth birthday today
i dont want to party,
or pretend to be smart
I just want to stay in bed.
wrote this a couple days ago and forgot to post woops
Jun 2018 · 104
Untitled
Dev Jun 2018
An expression of my depression
"How can you be so sad?"
"You live a lovely life"
"No reason to be mad"

The variety of my anxiety
"But you seem so calm and normal"
"It's really not a big deal"
"The way you're acting is just awful!"

So let me cut open my chest so that you can just see
The pain, the angst, the happiness amongst the misery.
Jun 2018 · 237
//. i n . s y n c . \\
Dev Jun 2018
Hearts aflutter
lips in sync
you sway a little
to the cool jazz beat

"... in my heart, I know
when you go out to explore..."


Our gaze meets
from across the room
when you smile like that
i can't help but swoon.

"This last night, won't you act like you
will stay for a long time..."


In my head I imagine
your hand clutching mine
We slow dance to the beat
keeping to the time.

"I don't know how, but i know I'll find a way
to make you stay awhile..."


In reality, we're here
standing mere metres from eachother
but holding so much distance
singing the same words to eachother.

"Until I feel you leave my veins."

-
Jun 2018 · 137
Untitled
Dev Jun 2018
You cry so hard
for someone you
barely know,
it's kind of sad.
You weren't
even really
good friends,
but his words
hit you bad.
It doesn't
really matter
now, what
you think of
yourself.
You're still
crying over
the thoughts
of
someone else.
Jun 2018 · 144
everything but nothing
Dev Jun 2018
Isn't it fascinating
                          how one little sound
                                               changes everything.
                         how one simple touch
            can ruin
all of it
we were everything and nothing all at once in that moment, but then you chose the latter.
Jun 2018 · 238
my veins {haiku}
Dev Jun 2018
I can still feel you
linger in my veins, your warmth.
Your soul still rests here.
inspo from 'My Veins' by Manorism.
Jun 2018 · 306
deteriorating
Dev Jun 2018
"I perform well under stress.." she stresses
her lips pursed in a thin line, she digresses
from the main topic, the point of view
that anyone could see, given half the chance, "You.."
"You're deteriorating.." I heave with a sigh,
she tells me she's fine but thats all a lie.
"Just because I don't eat doesn't mean that I'm sick"
But it worries me because your body isn't nearly thick
enough to keep up with this pattern,
your size should be somewhere between Earth and Saturn
but instead you're mercury.
It isn't fair to your body to keep
depriving yourself of all that is good
when all that it needs to survive is some food
I am begging you please
do not fall to your knees.
they say rock bottom is the place to be
when you can't find the right mindset to see
what's happening.
because it's happening.
'I perform well under stress, like charcoal turned to diamond,
when  its 3am, writing my notes, its like I'm in my prime and,
I just can't stop now when I'm on this roll"
But you haven't yet seen what this toll
has taken on you
stolen your youth
Your boyfriend can tell,
he's not under some spell
and his gaze always falls to me
he's worried.

He has no idea what to do,
I'm your bestfriend, so I must know what to do.

but i don't
we're on opposite sides in the same boat
so how am i to keep you afloat
when my own heads slipping
under the water?
life is tough, and people cope with it different ways. this is sorta a letter to a friend who doesn't deal so well with life. Sometimes, you build them up as much as you can, but if that doesn't work, give them your eyes, and tell them what you see.
Jun 2018 · 213
mister mister
Dev Jun 2018
mister mister
lonely heart
always chasing
a brand new start

mister mister
hot and cold
always doing
what you're told

mister mister
turn away
always pretending
that you're okay

mister mister
trust in me
I promise you
I can set you free.
weird little thing
Jun 2018 · 360
can you see me?????
Dev Jun 2018
Can you see me?
I’m here, standing
Right behind the lovely
Facade you love so much.

I’m screaming, sobbing
Pleading for you to see me,
And yet your gaze falls
Directly on my lying smile.

Why don’t you notice? All the signs are there.
My mask is cracked and open and bare
And I have to wonder if you really don’t care.

I just want you to notice
To find solace in your warm embrace
To find comfort in your words
To feel safe to be myself.

But the mask still stands,
And I sit here in agony
Crumpled, praying
For you to notice
Was gonna edit this a little, but I like the way it’s come out straight from my head.
Jun 2018 · 259
someoneelse
Dev Jun 2018
You said
"I cannot love you
unless I learn to love myself"
well that old tidbits useless
when you're loving
someone else.
Jun 2018 · 802
Helena [beautiful soul]
Dev Jun 2018
Your flaws run deep,
Like the valleys through your face.
But do not look at that with your
Aging eyes
For all you will see is your
Slowly creeping demise.

Look with me,
At your wondrous face,
Can’t you see?
There’s not a thing out of place.


Your emerald green orbs light up with a spark
Your greying hair, is luxurious and still maintains the dark
That you wore as an oh so youthful teen
Before you married, when you were living the dream.

Though losing its marbles, your mind remains sharp,
You sit here with me, creating art
And everyone else, you seem to have lost,
Their cheerful interactions now met with frost.

You tell me you’re worried, that I’m to be next
That you won’t remember me after the fix
Your shaky hands move towards mine
In an attempt for comfort in desperate times

Because time is now slowly running out
And I believe in you, but I have my doubts
So we knit and we knit and then we crotchet
And when day time tv is on we pretend we’re okay

And then the one day I made plans to hang out with my friends instead of visiting you,
It was the very day I lost you.


September 18 2015 5:47 pm


The time I got the call.
I wasn’t there for you at all.
I knew you weren’t well that day.
And I still decided to stay away.

The last day of the school term, I thought you were fine
I truly believed we had more time.
Turns out even if I wished, I still was wrong.
I should’ve stuck with you all the way along.

I never got to tell you, that very day,
That despite the disease, you were beautiful in every way.
Though your flaws run deep, just like a valley,
To me, in my formative years, you were my greatest ally.
Jun 2018 · 126
Music
Dev Jun 2018
I live and
I breathe
music
It is my
soul
The very essence  
of my being
The main ingredient
To tie together
A lifetime
Of madness.



It is the
Warm blooded warrior
That destroys my
Depression
The
Agile archer
That
Annihilates anxiety




The only
Way to
Save me
From myself
Is to lose
Myself
In it’s
bittersweet
symphony
Until the
Coda finally
Ends
Jun 2018 · 207
Oddly shaped just like you
Dev Jun 2018
I wanted to write you a love letter
So I picked the flowers from my brain
To decorate the page

To decorate the writings,
I plucked the strings of my heart
Because I wanted to write a love letter to you.

A love letter, I will write for you
In oddly shaped format
Because it reminds me of you.
I don’t know anymore
Jun 2018 · 516
{{{ ~ I miss you ~ }}}
Dev Jun 2018
I miss your dumb face
I miss your dumb hair
I miss your dumb laugh
I miss your dumb jokes
I miss your dumb eyes
I miss your dumb stare
I miss your dumb goodbyes
I miss your dumb hellos
I miss your dumb life

I miss you
Jun 2018 · 123
fight
Dev Jun 2018
Your fist barricades me,
Seals the wound I’ve ripped open
You whisper gently
You want to help me.

Your help is not needed, not wanted
I only wished to show you inside
But you sucker punched me
And I stand here

Keeled over,
Wheezing and winded

Eyes glazed over,
You won’t go down without a fight
Even when it’s not your battle,
You send your horses in.

It’s increasingly harder to distinguish
The enemy shades from the ally hues
Blue and red                       becomes purple
I can’t tell what colour you’re wearing any more

Or whether I’m hurting myself

Or you
Jun 2018 · 138
***[{og}]***
Dev Jun 2018
She only listens to vintage radios, spinning her discs on an antique stereo. She only buys her clothes from a certified thrift store, she eats fake meat, what it’s made of? She’s not sure. She only says vague and wise things, like she’s walking around in a fog. She tells anyone one who’ll listen about her aesthetic ideas for her tumblr blog. She never wears shoes because it’s natural to bare your feet. She smells like hippy incense to everyone she meets. She doesn’t eat, but she drinks by the litre. Her legs are so long we measure them by the metre. She’s this she’s that she’s all I’ll ever need. At least I’ll never have to feel like I’m filled with greed. Because there’s one of her  everywhere, what once was OG now means NOTHING TO ME.
You’re not original, you’re not unique, you’re not you.
Jun 2018 · 116
unfiltered
Dev Jun 2018
I write my best work when I’m drunk,
For it comes straight from the heart,
But when drunk, the heart says dumb things,
And from dumb things, bad things start.
Jun 2018 · 241
Negative space
Dev Jun 2018
All I am to you,
Simply put, is negative space.
Some may see my beauty, yet you do seek to replace

Me with some other hue, some ditzy, dumb, deranged, doppelgänger
All different shades but the shape remains the same.

Go ahead, tell me I’m wrong, put me in my place,
Prove to me that to you, I’m not an empty face.
Jun 2018 · 128
Polaroid
Dev Jun 2018
Smiling
faces
in a
Forced
“Candid”
Polaroid.

I keep
You
In my
wallet.
Immortalised
At 16
Years
Old.
Jun 2018 · 132
How do you say it?
Dev Jun 2018
How do you say
I like you
without coming off as immature

How do you say
I love you
Without feeling oh so sure

How do you say
I want you
If she’s the one that you desire

How do you say
I need you
If your need for her is dire

How do you say
Come back, please
Without coming off as weak

How do you say
I’m sorry
Without havoc being wreaked

How do you say
I love you
And not have her run

How do you say
I like you
And still manage to get some
*da doong tchhhhhhhh*
Jun 2018 · 147
I hate you
Dev Jun 2018
I hate your cocky smile,
Your crinkly eyes,
Masquerading, facading face.
Stormy yet crystal clear azure eyes.
I hate it all.





I’m glad you’re with her.
No I’m not.


Sometimes the best way to vent is to completely lie.
Jun 2018 · 160
Let’s dance
Dev Jun 2018
Let’s dance, old friend!
Its really been too long
You met my family all to-night!
You seemed to get along.

Let’s dance, dear friend,
For this privilege, we paid a thou
To waltz and twirl, holding each-other
And then to take a bow

Let’s dance, my friend
But only not soooooo formal!
Of course you’re welcome to loosen up
And act just like normal

But dancing, dear friend
Is treacherous waters
Because we get far far far too close

Your hand left my shoulder, and be-cause
We’re older, I know that it wasn’t
A hoax.

It slipped slipped slipped to
My hip hip hip

Perhaps you were tired of twirling and swirling,
Could no longer sustain your hefty arms
But treading the ice as thin as it is,
You know that does cause me alarm.

Perhaps it was a figment of my imagination
How comfortable you were compared to I
Given our past (though it never did last)
I would’ve have thought you to be far more shy.
Jun 2018 · 147
infatuation
Dev Jun 2018
Infatuation is...
not a blessing

It disguises itself as love
parades as an obsession.

Infatuation is...
such a hazard

It fills you with bliss and ecstasy
until it all goes awry.

Infatuation is...
heartbreak and agony

It fills you with dread and acrimony
shortens your days, lengthens your nights.

Forgive me, I have been foolish.
Infatuation has masqueraded too many times
as love.
I always let my naivety get the better of me
Dev May 2018
Grinding hips and licking lips,
That’s all you’ve ever wanted.
I’d much prefer to be absurd
And grinding much less flaunted.
Dev May 2018
I am but a star
in your little galaxy.
just a speck amongst

the planets and moons
and suns that dominate you.
maybe if i leave

you'll notice after
all, it's pretty hard to miss
a supernova
Dev May 2018
I spent two hours on google
trying to figure out exactly what shade eyes you had
and funnily enough,
none of them were quite as beautiful as the real deal.
Should I start titling my poems normally?







...maybe...
May 2018 · 207
c o n t r o l
Dev May 2018
he likes to have control.
you can have your freedom,
but don't forget,
you'll have to pay the toll

he tells you "Stop"
commands you "Go"
and everything
in between.

he whispers
sweet nothings
and firmly suggests
all the most obscene things

By daytime, sweet as anything
shouting food, making me smile.
By night, he's the devil,
making you work for every mile.

he boosts your confidence
oh so slightly
it's what they all do.
But if he asks you anything,
don't ever tell the truth.
May 2018 · 384
love love love love love
Dev May 2018
What is love?
Can you honestly tell me?
For all I've found it to be over the years
is
late night calls
shutting out your family
shunning everything you liked about yourself
tearing petals off flowers
writing
creating
heartbreaking

I've never found it to be especially lovely
especially comforting
nor do i know anyone who has experienced the lovely thrill we love to love through the silver screen.

love love love love love love love love love love love

say it enough times
it wont even sound like a word anymore

feel it enough times
it won't even feel real anymore
May 2018 · 212
you've grown up, kiddo.
Dev May 2018
you've grown up, kiddo.
I've seen the way she looks at you,
the way you look at her,
you're in love

I've seen the way your cynicism
can only make her smile
and the way she fumbles on her words
only makes you laugh

I've heard you both
at similar stages
"No, I'm not into her"
"Nah nah I'm not over it"

And somehow you both ended up here today
me being an awkward third wheel
while you both stared lovingly into each others eyes
it makes me so so happy, yet sick to the core

you see, just because i am truly
one hundred percent happy for you
doesnt mean I don't occasionally think
"I wish you'd chosen me"

But it wasn't a matter of choice,
was it?

After all,
the heart doesn't choose what it wants

it just knows.
May 2018 · 583
with y o u
Dev May 2018
a week ago on sunday
i witnessed my brother marry
the love of his life

it rained

and it was beautiful

and it reminded me
that life is short
and wonderful

and maybe i should start

living instead of writing poems.

maybe i should start
taking wonderful opportunities
with you.
May 2018 · 110
Untitled
Dev May 2018
please just let me bury my head in the sand for one more day
then after that, perchance i obey,
I'll look after you in much the same way
you looked after me on that very last day.
May 2018 · 376
Distraction
Dev May 2018
You’re a distraction, nothing more
Don’t look at me like that
I don’t actually like you,
You’re just nice to look at.

A distraction.

A distraction.


Stop getting in my head
With your inside jokes,
And hidden smiles.
You stare too much into my eyes,
Or am I the one staring?

No, you’re a distraction.

This isn’t real.

I love him, not you.

You’re just a distraction.
May 2018 · 180
tossnturn
Dev May 2018
I can’t sleep when you’re playing with the lights in my head.
This does not sound as cute as it did when I thought of it
May 2018 · 115
to my old best friend
Dev May 2018
To my old best friend,
I’m terribly sorry for pushing you away.
Though unintentional, your actions
Rendered me unable to act in a different way.

I loved you like a brother,
at first, it would seem
But then this purest of purest loves
Began tearing at the seams

staying up and texting
Late till 3 am
Making quick little codes
In case someone walked in

Playing truth or truth
Cos we wouldn’t dare to dare
Each other to do the most obvious thing
To show we truly cared.

No, it wasn’t real.
It was one sided, or all in my head.
That night I sent that message
I lay crying in my bed.

I knew that I had ruined things
That we were done for good
And after that I angered you,
Avoided you where I could.

After not long, you moved states.
We never said goodbye.
I’m sorry, my friend, for pushing you away.
For telling you all of those lies.

And all these years later, you’re still the first boy I can say I fell in love with.
There’s truth in every single word.
I miss you still, I always will,
And this wound will always hurt.

Goodnight,
K.
Dev May 2018
it happened again



and i have to wonder why




i willingly let you in




when all you do is hurt me
Dev May 2018
I am but a star
in your little galaxy.
just a speck amongst

the planets and moons
and suns that dominate you.
maybe if i leave

you'll notice after
all, it's pretty hard to miss
a supernova
yeah it may not be (astronomically?) scientifically correct, but you know it's true.
May 2018 · 529
{ @you }
Dev May 2018
if you love the wrong people,
                      
                          how can you expect them to
    


                 love you back?
Dev May 2018
I don’t aspire to be me in my best poem,
Nor do I aspire to be me in my worst.

I aspire to be somewhere in the middle, with 87% of my **** all bundled up neatly in a package, looking after, and loving myself.
Don’t expect too much or too little of yourself, that’s where it gets complicated.
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