Here I sit,
at a sushi restaurant,
Alone.
Thinking of the disgust on your
face at seeing me.
Here I sit,
Thinking about everything I planned on saying to you
As I handed you the 12 daisies,
your third favorite flower.
Here I sit,
Regretting,
Aching,
Lost in a tunnel of self loathing
Here I sit,
Thinking on the words I said as I Handed you the flowers
"Trash em, burn em, I don't care"
I didn't mean that.
I didn't.
Here I sit
Here I sit.

You're more sweet than the ice cream you scoop.

You're more rich than the milkshakes you make.

You're cooler than the tie-dye shirt you have to wear.

You're on my mind more than the store is busy on a spring afternoon.

I remember the jaw dropping moment of you walking into creative writing for the first time.

I remember passing notes daily

I remember the first time we went downtown with our drunkard friend.

I remember sitting in the cold in front of the pond and listening to you ramble.

I remember how happy I was.

I remember how hard I tried to impress you.

I remember it all like it was yesterday.

I remember you going missing from class.

I still remember the stomach churning worry that came with it.

I remember you coming back just to leave again

I remember the years we didn't talk. They were lonely.

I remember seeing you go the first time in forever.

I remember sitting in that swing and holding back tears as I confided in you about how sad I was.

I remember the absence of you again.

I remember sitting at the bus stop talking to you before I had to work.

I remember the night you had a small get together and invited me.

I remember how hard I smiled for the first time in years.

I remember coming over and spending the night with you.

I remember the ****** tension.

I remember laying in bed and inching closer.

I remember how cold your lips were when I kissed you for the first time.

I remember rolling around in bed naked and taking candid pictures of one another.

I remember being officially unofficial.

I remember walking to and fro my house to yours.

I remember you playing guitar.

I remember vaping until we were dizzy.

I remember you getting the text from your ex

I remember losing you to your ex

I remember the devastation.

I remember still seeing you daily.

I remember how awkward it was.

I remember you telling me you wanted to be with me.

I remember then running to meet you half way.

I remember hugging you as if to pull you into my body.

I remember him losing his spot by your side.

I remember fighting.

I remember hating it.

I remember still seeing you and talking things out.

I remember kissing late into the night.

God I remember so much.

I remember going downtown with Dessi.

I remember realizing how deeply I love you.

I remember the pain of missing a night by your side, it's like a bruise on the bottom of my foot.

I remember all the days I spent keeping you company  at work.

I remember getting pulled over with you in the car.

I remember the look of dread.

I remember with no regrets.

I remember your smell from 4500 miles away.

I will remember and cherish every second we spend at one another's side.

And with all these memories behind us in such short time

I know that when I turn my head back to watch my steps I'll see all we have to look foreword to.

I'm cold
I mean that literally.
Figuratively, I'm growing cold.
I'm staring at this Christmas tree.
Christmas tree
O,
Christmas tree.
I ******* hate you Christmas tree
It reminds me that I'm from a broken home.
Chances are pretty high I'll spend Christmas alone.
My brother and sisters area state away in a house of their own.
With their mother
With their step father.
My mother will be flying around the world again.
Not that I want to spend this ****** holiday with her.
I don't hate her
I'd just rather not spend a day I'm going to be at the peak of my depression being lectured.
My dad, I don't know what he's going to be up to.
I'll see my fiancé when I can.
She promised that she'd spend Christmas Eve with her and that implied Christmas Day.
I was promptly told I was to be excluded from this.
I'm probably going to drink.
I'm so broken around this time of year.
Because when you spend your least favorite holiday alone  while everyone you know is living life with "Christmas cheer" it makes you want to be dead. What's the point in family holidays when you don't have a family to share it with.
Bottoms up
Happy holidays.

Today for the first time in a very long time I went to a memorial.
To me, memorials are very special.
They are time capsules
Links to men and women I'll never know,
Who's faces I'll never see
Who's stories I'll never hear in their voice.
That's what they are.  
For the men who lost their lives on December, 7, 1941
They put your name on a wall.
I've shed tears for each of you.
I don't know why but coming to read your names,
It felt as if destiny played a hand.
Perhaps in a past life I was one of you.
But in this life I'm a coward and I could never live up to your expectations.
I'll come back.
I'll come back to each of you.
To my Mecca

Some of the wildest moments happen in rooms with Christmas lights as lamps.
I've been to some rad parties
I've chilled with the coolest of cats
Heard some of the most amazing music
Something about the dim lighting of Christmas lights
I suppose, puts me at ease

So much is changing.

I get it, my depression is, too, much for you all.
Let me get something straight.
I don't really give a **** how my depression makes you feel.
I don't give a **** that you think you're helping
You and your metaphysical ******* does nothing for me.
Don't tell me to meditate.
Don't tell me that you are here for me
You're white knight act is more of a lie then you'll be there when I need you.
I'm ******* fine.

I'm happy now
Depression is still hugging me from behind
But
I'm happy now.
Anxiety has tightened its bind
But
I'm happy now.
The stress of work has played with my mind
But
I'm happy now.
I don't have to hide who I talk to or how I feel.
I'm happy now.
I'm happy because I'm free.
I'm happy now.

I'm swear after this life,
I'll find you again.
I will wait.
Loving you always.

I'm terrified of the fall
Physically
Mentally
Emotionally
So it's hard for me to flap my wings
I'm a creature of the land
Of the sea
My emotions are something like a sheer mountain.
No peak
Only a plateau
I climb with my eyes on the sky
Reach the level earth
And make the mistake of looking down.
And my body follows my gaze.
Indefinitely.

I wasn't born here
I refuse to die here
But Frederick
You are my home
From the allIes of downtown,
The winding roads of the mountains,
The constant buzz of route 40.
I hate this town
Where I finished high school
Where I learned what love is
Where I learned to drive
Learned to skate
Learned to forgive
From smoking **** till I couldn't stand
Or
Drinking until I was giddy
I've learned
I've grown
And in this town
I've found my home.

I'm too ****** up to walk straight.
I'm ******* faded,
But anytime I can't hear you in ignoring you.
Keep staring at the image of the ****** person I am that you painted.
Next time I'm ****** up I'll make sure I'm alone so then I won't have to worry about making sure you don't misinterpret my drunken actions.
All you do is look for reasons to decide how I feel. I don't know how I can trust that you see anything else.
I won't divide my attention anymore.

To me,
The day dragged on and on
To me,
We were meant to last
I'm okay with being in love with you.
I'm okay with being unable to escape.
I'm not okay.
I don't give a **** anymore
I really don't.
I don't see what's wrong living day by day.
In end I'm still alive
Enough for people not to feel guilty for
Not helping.
As long as my friends and family are happy
I'll stay miserable.
I just won't bring company.

I'm tired of being told I don't care.
I'm tired of the you "know best" mentality.
I grow weary
I get tired.
I'm taking a fist-full of NyQuil
I'll see all the fighting in the morning

The world is so peaceful these days,
Maybe it's just me,
Maybe because I'm not wandering aimlessly through downtown San Diego,
I don't really know.
This town is so small.
I don't dislike it,
But I'm far from liking it enough to stay.
I know this complacency stems from you.
I will uproot this bud and transplant it 2572 miles South-West.
Maybe then I won't feel like I'm going to start to love this small town, too, soon.

I'm twenty-one, I don't really know what I'm doing.
I have direction, I'm pointed the way I want my life to go.
I know life has its twists and turns, that worries me.
The future is beautiful in black,
So that's what it typically wears.
I don't know what it holds, no one does.
I want to know in all seriousness where all the giant squids are.
Because some days that's how I feel.
I'm a big-*** squid in a very shallow pond.
Most days however, I feel like a cat
If I were an actual cat; what color would I be?
Not that it matters.
I bet I'd be a short-haired cat.
Would my cat eat squid?
How can I break my addiction to anime, caffiene, nicotine, and jumping to conclusions?
What would nine year old me do if he found out that in twelve years his best friend would be the only person he hates?
What do you, the reader, think I am?
Am I man?
Or
Am I beast?
What does she see in me?
Why does it feel like I'm always looking into a mirror after a long hot shower?
You know;
When the glass is covered with condensation,
Why am I so afraid to go back to school?
What do I even want to do?
How can I change the people around me?
How do I keep those I hold dear smiling?
I swear I'm happy; trust that I would never lie about that.
I'm just so lost.
Dr. Pepper tastes so good but it reminds me of my old poetry.
Who knows what will happen in ten years, two days, three hours, fifteen minutes and twenty-six seconds?
More over, who gives a ****?
Perhaps this is just my quarter life crisis.

It's not fair, really.
I'm sorry
I can't stop the unending anxiety
It's not even your fault.
It's hers.
Much like those face books posts,
Damaged women who can't trust
The "crazy" women who refuse to trust.
I'm the same.
She killed the steadfast trust I used to have.
I'm a groundhog.
I poke my head out
scatter at the first sign of trouble
And hole up inside my head all alone.
I'm sorry.
I have these hard days
I have these days where it's hard to trust.
It's not your fault but you're stuck with me.
I'm trying so hard to change.
I'm a cat.
I thrive off of the affection of my person.
I'm skittish.
When I'm scared
I try and make myself look bigger.
This isn't me.
This isn't who I want to be
I wish I could take a knife
Stab this anxiety
Strangle these trust issues.
Free myself to love you without a single fear.
I'll keep dragging my feet
I'll keep checking my phone.
I hope you're having fun.
I hope I can relax today.
I'll keep my fears silent.
And
I'll work at trusting you more
I'm sorry I have these days of weakness.
It's not your fault.
I'm a guppy
In a lake of anxiety sharks
It's feeding time
And here comes their attack.

For my twenty-first birthday all I want is to drink alone.
I want to sip my sorrow
I want to slip away and walk the streets drunk
I want to sing modern baseball.

To the Hawaiians,
the turtle
represents long life.
The necklace pressed to my chest feels like it's mocking me
Telling me to live
When I wish I was dead.

I wish I could hate you
I honestly do
Then maybe I'd eat something
Or perhaps I'd feel something
I love you though
I wish I could stop
I wish I didn't stress myself out
Trying to be everything you want
I wish that I wasn't depressed
Maybe I would've been
I wish I could **** myself.
I wish I didn't have to remember your embrace.
I wish I could still have it.
It was never mine.
It's not like I was important enough to be given that.
I'm gonna start drinking again
I don't care
Let me waste away.
I don't want to hate you but I wish I could to help me mend

I'm a squid,
I've mentioned it before in a poem
As we sit side by side
I can feel my tentacles,
Invisible to the eye,
Wrapping around you.
You probably can't feel the suckers against your back and side.
You sit singing whilst you draw
I'm also drawing.
Drawing you closer to me.
Closer to my heart
closer to my love.
I'm a squid
I'm a squid in love
I love you so
I won't let you go.

The world is vastly different when I look at everything objectively.
You and I were more than you'll ever truly understand.
You were the blue fairy
I was Pinocchio
I simply wanted to understand what it means to be a "real boy"
In the end,
I was returned to the puppeteer
In the end,
I couldn't feel for long
In the end,
My disease is my sin.
For a while I forgot I was broken.
For a while I felt real.
For a while

To be honest, I've never felt more alone
Sleeping on the floor every night isn't fun
Missing your company, not out of habit,
but out of the fact that I love being with you
I can't cry here, I'll be judged and have my feeling invalidated
I love this city but if home is where your heart is,
Then mine is two-thousand five-hundred-seventy-two miles East
I can't call you while I'm inside the house because I'll be chastised
I heard your voice for the first time in weeks
I sat in the parking lot and cried for an hour.
I'm tempted to buy a ticket home
I'm tempted to give up
I'm tempted but I can't,
I'm tempted but I'm scared.
At this rate, I'll end up dying in this city
At my own hand.

I know you're not really in love with me,
Or rather,
I know if you were ever in love with me you aren't now.
I'd bet my last breath you don't talk about me
the way that I go on about you
when I'm not with you
I keep asking myself
What you see in me
Because all I do is try to find a way to hold onto my happiness.
I already know what's coming
A "I need to be alone" spell.
And after tonight
After tonight I don't know what I want
Rachel, I want you to be happy
But I want to be happy too.
I say that I don't need a title to love you.
I mean that.
But I really hate how your love feels like half love.
I hate knowing that literally at any second without warning you could demote me from "lover" to "best friend"
I hate it.
I hate feeling like I have to constantly do something to keep your attention.
When I'm sitting there, in your bed, kissing you,
I'm having panic attacks
trying to figure out
how to kiss you better than last time.
That goes for everything we do.
You'll read this
and your simple solution
to hurting me will be to run away.
I just want you to say "I'm sorry."
I just want you to act like you do when we're alone.
I don't need a title,
What I need is for you to back the words "I love you" because I'm insecure and you pretend like you don't care.
So how can I believe that you love me when you ask me to tell your friends
you're single.
I hate myself for not being as strong as you seem to think I am.
I hope that when you read this
You just start treating me like you love me.
Because you're hurting me.
Not even as your lover
You're hurting me as your friend.

I guess I'm no longer drunk
that's why I woke up.
Maybe it's because of the hunger pains
I ache
I ******* hurt so much
I'm just so tired of being second best
Not even just with you
But especially with you
I really hope I get employee of the month
I doubt I will though
You probably had *** with him
And you probably ******* loved it
I hope you did
Not really
But at this point I want you to have any reason to come back
It's five-fifty one
And I can't go back to bed because
Stop motion *** scenes of you and him
Are playing through my head
I cut you off.
I can't see you anymore
I mean are you surprised?
I told you I would
Whenever you've needed me I was there
That can no longer be true
If you come to me again
Expect venom in my words
Expect me to be An *******
I've heard ducks mate for life
You like ducks but you aren't one
You're a fox
You're sly
And sneaky
A ******* liar
So lie to him as you lay with him
And I'll lie to myself as I lay alone
Picking up the pieces.
But the thing about shattered glass is the pieces will never fit together the same.
But maybe when I'm done someone will pull me out of love with you and be what was too much for you.
You Take care, mi amour
I'll take another shot.
I'll take black lungs.
You're now connected to the **** who's **** you wanted and the *** he sells.

Cover the blemishes
Fill in your brows
"Fleek" the contour
Perfect teeth
More muscle
Less fat
Hate what you see in the mirror
Worship filters and fame
I wish you could see yourself
With the eyes that watch you wake
Because American standards of beauty
Don't show how in my eyes you glow.

It's bittersweet,
Visiting all the places that make this small town my home.
The sushi place I went with coworkers every Monday.
The parking deck that I lost my virginity in.
The creek I swore to myself I'd one day jump over.
Baker park, where I first did all the flips I know.
It's bittersweet knowing that in a few weeks I'll no longer be here to watch my home town grow.
It's bittersweet
Bittersweet.
Bittersweet.

When I see you.
When I'm within three feet of you.
I clam up.
I shut down.
All I want to do is cry and apologize.
All I want is to tell you I'm sorry
Followed by many "I love you"'s

When I'm within two feet of you
I'm overcome by the strong desire
To reach out
To crayfish
To beg for your embrace
To plead

When I'm within a foot of you
My flight or fight response activates.
I'm not sure whether to try and touch you
Or to flee
My body locks up and I stammer.

When I touch you.
I crumble into dust.
The floor opens up
And I fall into dismay.

When I touch you
I crumble into dust
The floor opens up
And I fall into dismay.

When I touch you.
I crumble into dust
My mouth opens up.
And I whisper to myself.
It's all my fault that things are this way.

After a long night of being drunk
After a long night of being loud
After a long night partying
I'd like to clamber into bed with you
Not for drunken ***
But to curl into a ball next to you
Taking in all that you are
Your smell
Your warmth
Your love.
After a long night of being dumb with my siblings
After drunkenly sleeping.
I'd like to wake up next to you.
But today,
Today I woke up with;
a headache
A desire to see you
And cold pizza.
That should hold me over until I see you again.
And when I see you I'll tell you about my kid siblings when they drink.

My paranoia is my poison
"She doesn't love you."
It plays on repeat
I try to stop it,
I do.
My paranoia is my poison
Cluttering the tidy room that is my head
I know it's not true
I know that we're okay
My paranoia is my poison
It's unfair to her
It's unfair to me
That the lover that wasn't her scared me.
My paranoia is my poison
Like petals pulled from a rose
My head plays the back and forth
"She loves me not...
She loves me so"
that plagues the clichéd romantic comedies.
God, I hope I land on an even number
My parinoia is my poison.

From the douchy looking muscle men
With their ugly ankle biters
To the poser skaters trying to impress tourists
San Diego is one hell of a city to behold

Im okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I love you so ******* much
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I drank too much.
I'm okay
I'm Okay
I'm okay
I can't believe he's so much more important
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I even bought your favorite apple ale
I'm drunk because I drank it all
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm cutting you off because you're hurting me and you don't care
I still love you
I'm hurting more than you'll ever know
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm lying.

I love you.
It's so simple to say
Harder to prove
And
That's okay.
I love you.
For the kind soul you have
For the limitless love behind those eyes
For the way you radiate grace.
I love you.
I want to tank you
for helping me bring my brother some peace of mind from a really bad high.
I want to thank you for being by my side to help me keep my cool.

I love you.
So much.
I want to thank you for letting me see when you get grumpy
Or angry
Upset
Disheartened.
Being let in by you is an honor.
I want to thank you for loving the beaten, broken man I was.
I want to thank you for helping me stand when I'm too drunk.
Or
When I'm so emotionally distraught that I collapse.
I love you.
I am truly
Truly
Thankful for you.
Thankful for your patience
Thankful for your forgiveness
Thankful that there is an us.
Thank you.

From the moment we met I knew that you were someone in which my trust could be placed.
I became yours years later and here I sit smiling
In that hospital room I fell so much more deeply in love.
I became your boyfriend and I really still hold that single moment close to my heart.
Now for the first time I won't see you for a week
I won't breathe you in
I won't hold you
But i know just as I wait
You are too.
I'll see you soon.

It's Morning
The suns out
the fall seasons weather is making itself known.
I've missed this,
Feeling happy
Feeling like the season is mine.
Summer and winter
I get really depressed.
Spring and fall,
The verb seasons
I can do anything
That's why I'm leaving now.

I have the ability to make anyone who leaves my life feel happy.
I am draining.
I am something designed to be fleeting.
So join me for a few months then walk away with a smile.
I am king Midas.
A king that wished for gold
Only to die alone.