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556 · Feb 2016
King Midas.
Denxai Mcmillon Feb 2016
I have the ability to make anyone who leaves my life feel happy.
I am draining.
I am something designed to be fleeting.
So join me for a few months then walk away with a smile.
I am king Midas.
A king that wished for gold
Only to die alone.
Denxai Mcmillon Jan 2016
Rachel,
I won't tell you things will be okay.
I don't know if they will.
I don't know when you'll be able to smile your hardest,
Laugh until you ****,
Or
When you'll be able to appreciate nature how you once did.


I can
(and will to the whole-hearted and best of my ability)
however,
tell you that
You will do the things you once did.
You will.
For
when I watch you
lock yourself In the attic of your body
When I watch you
picking up the photo album
of whom you,
once again,
Would like to be.
When I watch you collapse
When I watch the subtleties
The little changes
on what would be a face of stone.
When I see them
I can tell that
the floor in that old room gave way
I know.
I know.
I know that I can't stop your decent.
I don't think
you'll be where
you
would like to be
For a while.
That's okay.
I'll hold your hand
I'll love you anyway.
Because when I look at you.
When I let my gaze drop
From my eye level
To yours.
Beyond those tired eyes.
Beyond your stressed posture.
Beyond your heart-breakingly weak smiles.
Beyond your stress.
Beyond your sorrow.
Beyond your fears.
I see you.
You.
Only you.
I see the love of my life.
I see your beauty.
I see your potential.
I see a river pebble.
I see a fierce bear
I see love
I see a fire,
though small,
burning furiously.
And just behind that fire.
I see you picking up your pain
And I see you setting it ablaze.
So yes,
Dare to disturb the universe.
So yes,
Look death in the eyes.
Befriend it.
Respect it.
And refuse it's advances.
(You don't like pushy flirts anyway)
You're strong, Rachel.
You're not trapped by some one who wants you locked away anymore.
So don't trap yourself.
It's okay to relax
It's okay to relax.
It's okay to relax.
It is okay
Relax.
You're not alone in this.
I'm here.
Watching you fight.
Waiting for you to tag me in.
I'll bruise my knuckles
I'll ****** the floor.
If it means,
That you
That you
That you
Will suffer no more.
For the love of my life.
I am here for you, always
Trust and believe me.
530 · May 2015
Always
Denxai Mcmillon May 2015
I'll always miss you.
I'll always look back on every second of us.
You can't see past the fighting.
I can't see past the moments of love that made me much more than happy.
I ******* hate myself for losing you.
Denxai Mcmillon Nov 2015
Here's to the nights
that don't end in anything,
Except a strong embrace
And
Our colliding breaths.

Here's to laying in bed
Singing together for hours
And
Playful kisses

Here's to seeing first-hand
How talented you truly are.

Here's to our awkward alter egos
And
Late night walks

Here's to you Rachel.
Here's to us.
I'll keep toasting with a glass of happiness
Until we're too drunk on our love.

Here's to our hardest year.
Here's to the reformation.
Here's to our future.
Here's to us.
Three cheers for true love.
Hip!
Hip!
Haza!
Denxai Mcmillon Dec 2016
I'm missing something.
I'm missing a lot of things.
I'm missing the point
I'm missing my high school years
I'm missing the light
I'm missing the spring

What's wrong with my head?
What's wrong?
510 · Aug 2015
Brat
Denxai Mcmillon Aug 2015
You're a **** that pukes on the floor
That sheds his fur from door to door
You act like a dog
You play in the fog
but I love you still
You bratty cat
Denxai Mcmillon Feb 2016
Please come back home.
I really ******* miss you, baby
495 · Dec 2015
Name change
Denxai Mcmillon Dec 2015
My name is now squid
So you should get used to it
Because I said so
495 · Dec 2015
Shower siren.
Denxai Mcmillon Dec 2015
Sing another song
My acapella princess
Sing me into sleep.
Denxai Mcmillon Jun 2015
I'm growing distant from myself
As if the simplistic notion of happiness
Is the ocean spread between emotions
And I am but a ship,
Adrift.
I'm surrounded on all sides
By water that I can not drink.
Why is it that smiling is so
So unbearably difficult?
I know how to force a smile
Why do I have no desire,
No ambition.
Why am I struggling so **** hard?
Is there really a light at the end?
Or did I think that into exsistance?
I'm a ship
And I'm not sinking,
I'm just adrift.
Adrift isn't what I want
My sails are lowered
So where in the blazes
Is the southern wind
to push my ship
And the corners of my mouth
North?
489 · Sep 2015
Hello poetry trolls.
Denxai Mcmillon Sep 2015
Kindly go **** yourself. This is a sanctuary and you are a bunch of demons.
481 · Apr 2015
Ten words 1
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2015
If I could do it all again, I probably wouldn't.
476 · Sep 2015
Untitled
Denxai Mcmillon Sep 2015
Life is more fleeting than a snapchat **** when you can't screen shot. Don't waste it trying to be a social media addict.
Denxai Mcmillon May 2015
I'm a bitter,
Self loathing
*******.
I can see why it's hard to love me.
I'm a borderline alcoholic with aspirations of suicide so **** a dream
I'll live in this nightmare
and rub these drunk and sleepy eyes.
I hope you find your stupid ******* puzzle piece.
I'm a diamond in the rough, or so I thought.
I'll swallow the ******* rocks you gave me.
I hope you find whatever makes you happy.
Whilst I sit and wonder why I even tried,
when you never treated me like you loved me.
seven year check in "YIKES"
Denxai Mcmillon Sep 2015
The sea is much too large for me to see it all.
I need to remember that feelings are like the sea.
They run deep.
They crash and become violent as the shore approaches
I'm too young to think I've felt all there is to feel.
Denxai Mcmillon Sep 2015
Like piano keys stuck too hard
As the blade of the knife once was
A needle that you ***** yourself with,
I am sharp.
Not intellectually,
Though I am intelligent,
I'm sharp as in
I am abrasive on ones ears as I enter and leave
I cut deep without effort
I surprise one without being noticed
I am the headache that comes without warning
I am the cold shooting up your spine
I am the fear you forgot you had.
I am the silence looming in the room that makes you uneasy
I am the cliché moving eyes in a portrait
I am a ghost
Living in a husk
This summer brought out the worst in me
Last spring was the best spring of my life.
This fall will be a season of dea, dry skin,
A kin to  the dead, dry leaves
I hope over this winter into this spring
I am reborn.
I hope I drop my drinking nightly
I hope I clear my lungs
I hope I can love music again
I hope I can play the piano gently
I hope I become dulled with use
I hope I remember to hand you a thimble
Hoping isn't enough though.
I'm going to pursue this
I know you won't wait
You probably don't want to
But even if I just earn back best friend status
That
That will be enough
I will be happy
Denxai Mcmillon Sep 2015
With no wind beneath my wings
With no dawn to my night
Hook, line, sinker.
If I'm a shark in a lake too small
Then in the sea, I'd be the shark pulled from the water.
My nativity is all I have.
My blind faith in the future.
I'm taking ten steps forward with a bungie cord tied around my ankles. Who knows what it's tied to.
Who cares?
All I know is that;
Quelling this fear will take more than a quill.
The distilled ***** tastes better with coke.
That ups are counteracted by gravity
And that same gravity will hold me down.
What the **** am I fighting for?
463 · Mar 2015
Dr. Pepper lips.
Denxai Mcmillon Mar 2015
I feed myself caffeine
So my heart's beating
matches the speed
it would be if you were still here.
It's not as if I always think like this,
but
some days were like the last days of us, with ups and downs.
I look for the upsides to everything
but
at the end of the day,
everyday,
like the falling of the sun
so does my mood.
I don't cry anymore.
I just sit;
vacant,
absent,
distraught.
I never new,
How could I know
that losing you would do this.
Then again,
I never thought.
Denxai Mcmillon Aug 2015
I feel like over this past week you've fallen out of love with me. I mean, you've never been good at texting but at the same time where I am is six hours behind you. You're having fun, unlike me youre with people you like. Earlier you said you'd "text me when you could". I wish you'd make time to at least tell me how much fun you're having without me. Nothing, even when we're in the same time zone you don't really try. When you're home alone bored in sure I seem like I'm worth talking to. But never when your out. I can count on one hand how many times you've drunk called me. I wonder if you even ask if I can come along. Probably not. I'm having a really hard day. I wish you seemed like you cared more. I wish I was home. I wish I wasn't here anymore. I really doubt if I go to jail that you'd really wait. You've never been patient. I know because you burn yourself on pizza rolls and you cross roads when cars are coming. And I feel like I stop exsisting as soon as your busy. No matter how busy I keep myself I still remember I miss you. I wish you were the same.
453 · May 2015
Happy place
Denxai Mcmillon May 2015
People always say close your eyes and picture a "happy place"
It's hard to picture a "happy place" without you.
My first thought is us on my bed while you play video games.
My second; is in your bed, watching you do your make up in the bathroom.
You've weaved yourself into my life
And like noticing a missed stitch when knitting,
I'll always know your there. And I know I can't change how much I love you
452 · Oct 2015
For fucks sake
Denxai Mcmillon Oct 2015
I'm getting to the point where I'm only tired on public transportation
I'm restless at Paige's
I'm desperately looking for a job so I can get away from the "enlightened"
The way it's preached here it would give west burrow baptist a run for their money
My anxiety won't be cured by your zen.
Go **** yourself you hippie poser
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2015
Somewhere further upstream
There's a boy much like me,
Maybe younger.
As I sit
I watch as the water dances under me,
I think of who he may be.
Maybe he's crying.
I think I want to,
I'm not really sure anymore.
I'm tired
Of being an emotional cannon
With one flake,
too many of gunpowder
And a wick a smidgen, too, short.
I think entirely, too, much.
I ask, too, many questions
I answer, too, few.
I'm lost in my head.
I think it's good for me.
I spent a weekend, too, drunk
and, too, high to remember it clearly.
But it was fun.
I wish fun did pay bills.
No one would be so miserable.
I wouldn't be sitting here thinking about them.
I'm, incredibly, selfish.
I only really want for myself.
At the same time,
Maybe ever so slightly after,
I want for others but only after myself.
That applies to a lot of things.
I'm, too, **** young
To be thinking about dying alone.
I'm, too, young
To be feeling this empty.
I feel things in waves,
Not the waves that children play in,
Not even the waves white water adrenaline junkies chase
Waves like the tsunamis
The ones that swallow cities.
Waves that strip the shore for miles
Waves that flood the area with a forty inches of water.
When I'm empty,
*******
I'm empty.
If I removed everything in space
down to the atoms
That would be a pretty good metaphor,
I think.
I dream of having nightmares
My nightmares are of having dreams.
I'm lost.
I'm at a loss.
I have lost.
I know my self-esteem is ****.
I don't need to be reminded.
I try so hard to be someone
That I would notice.
Someone I could fall in love with.
Someone like you.
I know it's a lot of pressure.
I know you're avoiding that.
I know you want to be alone.
I know that we need space.
I wonder if the boy is still there,
the sun is setting
It's getting cold.
Denxai Mcmillon Dec 2016
There's only one place I can think of that I've ever really felt at peace.
Maybe because I was so ******* young.
Before my own corruption
before my ego
became the demon perched
on my shoulder
fingers digging deep into me.
Maybe it's why I find it hard
to fall asleep on my right side.
I'm learning to smile more,
worry less.
It's hard.
Very hard.
I have a great job
where I work my hardest
to make my customers happy
because
no one should eat in a sour mood.
No one ever said that to me
but I think I'll tell it to my kids.
What a scary thought.
My heads all over the place.
It's been months
Months since I last attempted
to allow my thoughts to shift
from the ever approaching future
to
To
To the bitter and cold spectrum
of human emotion I leave in my wake. Much like the edges of our vast
and ever expanding universe.
I feel I can only move forward
but
I keep finding myself peering to my left shoulder
in hopes that the space where the angel is supposed to guide me from
will no longer be vacant.
My life isn't bad.
My life isn't a waste.
So why,
why do I find myself wishing
Wishing I was dead.
Where do I go from here?
Where do I direct this anger?
Why am I angry?
Why am I so ******* empty?
What could I be missing?
443 · Sep 2016
Self reminders
Denxai Mcmillon Sep 2016
Remember;
things get better.
Little
Large
Relevant
Nonsequester

Work for it
Set little goals

Question your motives.

Beat yourself up for mistakes you make
So that you are the reason you grow stronger

Live for you.
Please no one
439 · Feb 2016
Svedka
Denxai Mcmillon Feb 2016
I often find myself sitting vacantly waiting for something to happen.
The sun explodes,
We die,
The world ends.
It happens even more on days like today;
The sky is grey
The snow is melting only to almost instantaneously freeze into ice
And I'm inside,
Laying on the couch in the billiards room,
Attempting to take in some form of natural light.
I'm lost in the sea of my thoughts
And much like scooping water with my hands
I'm unable to hold on to the thoughts of my stressors long enough to work through them.
I've been listening to less and less music
Yet
I still wear my headphones so people won't bother me.
I'm giving up on "living" for now
And
Focusing on feeling alive.
I haven't skated, comfortably, in months
Run for even longer.
I've been drinking more and more trying to escape from my stress filled days.
I'm turning on the vacancy sign in my body.
So that a demon can posses it and run my life into the ground for me,
Because I no longer want to exist any longer.
431 · Feb 2016
You'll always be my baby
Denxai Mcmillon Feb 2016
I can still hear your heartbeat
I can still feel your breath
I can still feel your lips on the nape of my neck.
If I could.
I'd go back
and
every time we broke a kiss
and
I felt you breath out.
I'd breathe in your carbon dioxide.
For you I'll find a way to become a tree
So every time you breathe out
I can breathe you in.
And every time I exhale.
I could actually be beneficial to you.
427 · Dec 2015
Untitled
Denxai Mcmillon Dec 2015
A lot of **** has been on my mind.
Aside from how much I hate Christmas
I'm focused on making money.
And detoxing
Quiting drinking
Quoting smoking
The fact that I have to end a friendship because she chooses not to respect me, my wishes and our relationship and my girlfriend.
It ***** but that's okay.
But what honestly hurts me the most
Is that, I don't think my girlfriend cares about how I feel.
Sure, last night she talked me through a lot of **** I needed to talk about.
But I feel like I can't talk to her about the way she hurts me sometimes.
She'd never hit me.
She'd never do anything that would make me completely submissive
however
If she feels like she's not in control of her choices she's
obstinate
Unwavering.
I respect it.
It just hurts sometimes.
she talks to her ex boyfriend.
It's not wrong.
Well it wouldn't be if it wasn't the same guy she left me for
The same guy she said
"Well, I just want to see if he's what I want."
And when he wasn't, at least I was still waiting.
The same guy that would lose intresf in her whenever she'd leave me for him.
I'm hurting and my self esteem is **** because of this.
He invited her to go play manhunt and I'm positive had I not been with her that night she would have Humored him at first then gone when she realized it sounded like fun.
The only reason I'm so sure
Is because she told me that she told him next time she'd be down to play.
She thinks "Alex texted me today and tried to make plans but I turned him down so I could be with you"
Or
"I only hug him up for bud"
excuses talking to him.
Man, I feel ******* worthless.
All I know is that I'm over it.
I'm over hearing his name
And knowing he talks to her and she lets it happen
because
Because
Because
Because why?
What makes hearing from him
More important than actually setting me at ease.
Does she not care?
Do I even matter?
I feel like I'm worthless these days
As shallow as it sounds
Making money is the only thing that's helping my self esteem.
I don't even like money.
419 · May 2015
Shadow boxing in the dark
Denxai Mcmillon May 2015
The sweet smell smell
of the woman I love
is growing faint
under the wafting aroma
of ***** laundry.
as I lay in bed staring at my ceiling
and
thinking about who or what I am. Maybe,
I'm missing her too much.
maybe,
I'm too dependent.
These ever dragging days
that quickly become
seemingly endless nights
are starting to take their toll.
I'm a house built on marshland
I'm starting to cave in.
Not all at once though
parts are starting to pull away,
My foundation is cracking and giving way.
I'm scared.
last time my depression got really bad
the first thing to go was my passion for poetry.
I don't want to fall silent again.
But these nightmares are getting worse and my whole being
seems to be slowing to a stop.
  Please,
someone help me.
Please,
someone give me advise
on how to keep my demons
under my bed
and out of my head.
Please,
someone save me from the death of my passion.
I'm fighting off depression and winning
However,
depression didn't come alone.
Its bigger meaner brother,
anxiety is sneaking up behind me.
Denxai Mcmillon Oct 2015
I'm trying to find solace in silence
Making loneliness my confidant.
I'm stuck between two good things
And I've never felt more like I want nothing.
The woman who I've been secretly calling mom in my head.
The woman who made the bitter motherless boy into a man, has died
The woman well, the girl, the person whom I know would rather I not call her woman.
The person who loves me without needing to, needs me.
And I can't muster the strength to reach out.
My introverted mess of being is sinking in on itself.
Everyone knows I was a suicidal wreck.
No one knows that I'm getting worse.
No one sees that I've been writing suicide notes again.
I'm obligated to leave now
I'm leaning towards staying.
I'm a dead end kid.
I'm a dead end kid.
I'm ******* hopeless
I'm sick of putting others before my selfish suicidal Thoughts.
I want to play like my predecessors and swing from a tree by my ******* throat.
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2015
****,
I,
I,
I love you.
It probably looks odd
but you have a way
of making me stammer.
Stumble over words
like
my toes got caught under a throw rug
I'm a disaster flick with a grizzly ending,
When it comes to you,
I know up from down
The moon shines brighter
The water I drink tastes more crisp.
I was alive and well before you.
But because of the things you've done as a friend,
I'm living.
I'm free.
Maybe,
I'm getting ahead of myself.
Tonight,
ended like you say
you
want nights to end.
With you in your bed,
Me on the couch.
From here I can't hear you breath
Or
Feel your warmth,
However,
I can send you my love.
I can still do all the things I would have from my bed.
The only difference is
My heart aches a lot more,
Why wouldn't it?
The woman I love,
The north star in my life
My best friend,
The woman I can laugh with
The woman I can sing for
The woman whom I would die for
The woman i swear I'll protect
The woman who makes my face hurt,
From smiling,
The kindest,
Silliest,
Smartest,
Sexiest,
Most honest,
Most loving,
Most caring
Most talented woman I will ever know,
Is laying forty feet away,
Tucked neatly in her blanket
Behind closed eyes and doors.
I love you.
God, I ******* love you.
I'm so in love with you.
I just can't formulate a rhyme
Or a metaphor
Or A simile
To describe it.
Rachel,
Rachel, please
I'm begging you
Let me hold you tonight.
408 · Apr 2017
Waking thoughts two.
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2017
It's been almost three years.
I no longer miss you,
Though from time to time,
You cross my mind.
I hope you are well.
I hope your family is, too.

I'm surviving just fine without you,
Eliza.
I'm surviving just fine without
you.

This is why I fought so hard.
The woman who has always loved me
Is right here

And
Life doesn't scare me anymore.
Denxai Mcmillon Dec 2015
To be fair and frank
I never truly addressed
The fact that you are no longer my friend.
You are not even a shell
of the person you once were.


I remember long ago
When I would see you in class you were the person I would partner up with.
We would talk incessantly
And had to be sepperated
I remember the birthday parties you attended
I remember the time I farted next to you and stood up to which you replied

"The smell floats"

I still chuckle at this.
I remember the one night I spent at your house.

I remember it all.

This person is dead.

I no longer think of you as a man

No, I can not even recognize you as a fellow human being.

You are, in fact; a worthless, shallow, selfish, disgusting thing

The level of disdain and animosity I carry towards you is rivaled only by the love I carry for the woman you so stupidly chose not to nurture and love properly.

You aren't worth words strung together in the beautiful way I would for the end of a honest friendship.

No
No
No

You are exactly like the songwriter in the band your knife tattoo is from.

****

You're the **** you skim off of soups with fatty meats because its very existence is actually detrimental to its surroundings.

I truly ******* hate you,

If I could do it legally

I would

Personally

Erase

you

The fact that you contact the person I love
Turns my mother ******* stomach,
Sickens me to blind rage.

You love, so fondly, playing mr. Steal-your-girl.
Try it again and I swear to whatever the ever loving God you may believe in.
That you will feel how much stronger I am than I was the night we wrestled twelve years ago.
It's not a threat.
It
Will
Happen.

I hope you die In The most gruesome way allowed by the universe.

-Sqid
I have a lot on my chest. I'm very angry. I'm sorry if this is a bit heavy for the holidays.
404 · Oct 2015
I want to go home.
Denxai Mcmillon Oct 2015
I should swallow my pride and ask to come home
But I'm terrified to choke on my self doubt.
Denxai Mcmillon Mar 2015
There's a time and place for everything
I wonder if the caffeine headache at 3 am had a reason.
I know I spoke my mind and I know that I've hurt you a scar darker than the others. I told you that I'm going out of my way to fall out of love. Did you think I'd wait forever? I've been looking for God in all the wrong places. I don't know, maybe you were some test from the fates. All I know is I've closed a door and I hope with everything I have you think I'm worth chasing.
Denxai Mcmillon Jan 2016
I never understood God.
Maybe I still don't.
On second thought,
I still don't.
I never understood how anyone
Could follow something they can't see.
Something they don't truly understand.
I'm starting to think God is around.
I'm starting to see the beauty of life
Maybe because I'm at the bottom
Maybe because this winter has been especially hard.
Maybe because I have reason to look to the cosmos.
Who knows.
There isn't a temple I'd set foot in.
But God,
If you're listening.
I'm here.
I need you.
Something beyond other's words
Prove to me things will be okay.
402 · Dec 2015
Rushed sonnet for you.
Denxai Mcmillon Dec 2015
A single moment in this room, side by side
I find myself lost in your beautiful voice
Like the moon your voice could draw the sea's tides
I shall listen to you sing; this, is my choice

Sweatpants and a tee-shirt are all you need
For simply your energy creates a light
Never lose your luster; this I will plead
For its shine will follow you into night

Your skill in the arts could never be matched
Pen and pad, brush and easel, stringing letters
To your skills, my dear, I have become attached
Your voice, your hands; both as light as as feathers

You could lead me into the fires of hell
For you are the one that makes my heart swell
Sqid
Denxai Mcmillon Dec 2016
My least favorite part about the human obsession with education is probably the pretentiousness that follows it at its heel.
For example, I could spend years of my life learning to understand what makes music work;
Music theory.

I could spend hours, days, months, years, or decades studying. I could listen to everything from ancient arts like throats singing like in Mongolia or
Something newer like E.D.M.

Only to have my thoughts. My genuine love of music and the art behind it completely undermined by a classical music elitist with a degree.

How can education be important when you can't educate yourself to be a decent human being? What does bein thousands of dollars in debt and a peice of paper give you that I don't have?

Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Denxai Mcmillon Sep 2015
for someone who "can't lose" me
You don't really seem to give a ****
For someone who "loves" me
You sure are cold as ****
For someone who felt "at home with me
You sure are cozy in his bed.
For someone who "doesn't want to hurt" me
You sure have no ******* regard for me.
I hope everytime you see that teddy bear
Or
Remember those flowers
it ******* kills you
Denxai Mcmillon Sep 2015
sunlight streams effortlessly through my window,
the dust and dead skin
floats through the air
creating that ray of light
that we all found to be beautiful,
as kids.
I sit staring,
contemplating
what I can say to take it back
a small part of me hopes you never read this
simply because I want to stay true to my word,
however, a larger
more powerful part of me
is ripping through my head and body, like stars that's got too close to each other
their gravitates and planets collide making a mess of galactic size.
I've eaten once
since I stepped away to try,
To try make my feelings die.
Not by choice
anytime I try and eat I throw up,
then cry
then throw up.
Only once could I keep it down.
I know how I used to be.
I used to hate the thought of being lonely,
now I know,
I know that I have changed
that I'm in love with you.
I don't just miss holding someone,
I miss holding you.
I miss the way your hair smelled
like waffle cones, ice cream and sweat
on the days you worked.
I also miss the days
when I would silently
try and guess what shampoo you used.
I miss how when we cuddled
I didn't have to wear socks
because your feet don't gross me out.
I miss slipping your little fingers in between my slightly bigger ones.
I miss your little frame.
I don't just miss being in the presence of somebody,
I miss the way you made a whole room
feel like that was the only room that mattered,
how any room became increadibly important
when your attention shifted there.
I have never even thought
someone peeing with the door open
While talking to me would be important
To be honest, I still don't.
I want you to *** with the door open and talk to me,
I miss the way it takes you thirty minutes to ***
and five to **** .
I miss the way
you spent twenty minutes after either
playing on your tablet.
I don't want to walk anywhere with anyone at two a.m.
But I'd walk to Chicago and back
if you said you were gonna do it.
I miss walking ever so slightly behind you
I could see the power behind your walk,
the confidence,
I envied and admired it.
And yes occasionally I would look at your ****.
I also love the way you like to be in front
because you have an ever present desire to be in power,
to feel in charge.
I don't care to compliment people
unless I have a motive.
Like I want positive comments at work
so I can get moved to serve
or I want something.
But with you, with you
my compliments were genuine,
innocent even.
I don't want to **** what I feel for you.
Because my love for you,
it's the only beautiful thing I've got.
I really wished I would've ****** it up
accepted that they were more fun than me.
I wish I hadn't let getting bailed on
by the only person I ever truly want to see
hurt so much.
I've told you time and time again,
"I'm not strong".
I know this probably seems less like a poem
and more like
a sad narrative of an impulsive child.
Maybe I'll make that the title.
But I'm in love with you.
I haven't felt this much sorrow before.
I've never been one to erupt into tears,
but I am.
A lot.
Right now
I have a little bit of your perfume
on my turtle necklace
when I habitually put it in my mouth
I have to choke back my tears.
I hope you read this.
I hope you don't.
I wish I could take you out on Saturday.
I wish i wasn't rambling.
I should probably sleep but
when I try and sleep sober
I have nightmares.
I'm looking for reasons to see you again.
395 · Apr 2017
Bright
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2017
They say,
"You have a bright future, ahead,"
This, I say, is a lie.
Maybe because
another of my underclassmen
Was arrested
Maybe because the valedictorian,
Of my class,
Dropped out of collage
To further their knowledge of psychedelic drugs.
Perhaps,
It's a broken education system.
Perhaps,
It's the absent parents.
Who knows,
But as of now,
As things are now,
The optimist in me can see
That our futures are all quite grim.
Denxai Mcmillon Aug 2015
I'm a prime example that no matter how "good" a person seems they could very well be a terrible one.
I molested my best friend
and the person I love,
the person I vowed to protect.
Obviously,
I lost her.
Throw shade
hate me,
come to my house and **** me,
tell me in the comments
how you'd do it.
I don't care.
I know exactly how wrong I was.
It's been three days since
and the words
"Its ******* traumatizing"
are playing through my head whenever I'm alone.
Beyond losing the woman I love,
she told me there's a chance we could be friends again,
I don't deserve it in the slightest.
I know that.
I know
and
I can't stop hoping that is true.
I am worthless.
I am quick to say
treat others with respect.
The hypocrite of the millennia award goes to me.
The world would be a better place
if my skull were to paint the pavement.
Who knows.
The only thing
keeping me from killing myself
is that I promised you I wouldn't.
On the other hand
I've broken one of the most important promises
I've made to you.
So why not break one more?
Denxai Mcmillon Sep 2015
I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't know how to cope.
I don't have anyone who actually cares.
I don't have the will to fight.
I don't have the energy to argue
I don't want to live anymore
I don't want to live anymore
I don't have the will to fake my smile
I don't want this anymore
I  don't want to live anymore
Denxai Mcmillon Jan 2016
Snow to my hips outside the house
While I do chores
While you sleep.
I watch you quietly for a while.
I watch you rest.
Sleep tight
while I figure out
What I'll do until I'm tired.
389 · Feb 2016
Groundhogs better not lie
Denxai Mcmillon Feb 2016
Spring hurry up
I can't wait for my pack of cigarettes
I'll keep caffeinated
I'll keep busy here
I'm tired
We're fighting
I just want my smokes
I want a drink
I'll drink until I'm tired tonight
I'll wake up hungover
I'll plaster my smile back on
Pretend I'm okay
And smoke till I puke
Why is it always sunny when I'm the saddest?
Denxai Mcmillon Jul 2015
Twenty-four minutes seems a lot longer
when I fall into my thoughts of you and how much I miss you.
I know that this time probably,
Probably is the end
so I'm planning ahead;
tonight I'll drink
Take a walk around the neighborhood looking for advise
in the bending of trees
or
search for some romantic depth
in the spot where the streetlights
can no longer illuminate the Road. Tomorrow, I'll be worse than today,
I'll start pretending to be okay.
I can't wait until I have another life
to pass the time
as I dread falling asleep missing you.
387 · Nov 2021
Give
Denxai Mcmillon Nov 2021
I'll give you more.
More of me,
More of what you want
I'm a marionet
You're the minstrel.
I'll give you what you want to see,
'cause I know you don't want to see me.

So,
I'll give you more.
More of me,
but behind the movement of strings
There's a whole me
You will never see.
387 · Aug 2015
Journal entry #1
Denxai Mcmillon Aug 2015
Extensive and seemingly endless,
the range of human language
Nor the art of stringing words together like a seemstress of letters,
nothing
Nothing perfectly describes,
in full detail,
the amount of damage per second
dealt to the human spirit
due to the inevitable, heartbreak.
Heartbreak is a truly broad description of the feast of sadness.
For your drink
sip the pain of disappointment.
As for a starter
You get misdirected anger
An entrée of
Vacant thoughts
For desert it has to be
Long term absentness.
Nothing,
nothing at all compares
to this pity filled meal.
Personally, I would rather
Fight a bear bare handed
Catch a horseshoe with my lower jaw
Then be subjected to death by a sadistic firing squad.
But heartbreak is so broad.
  I know I've said it twice.
From the loss of a pet/person
To the spiritually shattered
And the ever present,
Romantic heartbreak.
a Shakespearean tragedy
playing like the fifty year old vhs copy
of Charlotte's web
at the department of motor vehicles.
I whiteness the death of "I love you"
I know I'll miss simple things more than the bigger ones.
Like your hands.
I know I'll miss your hands.
I'd rather smash my fingers one by one with a sledge hammer
than experience
the "thrill" of intertwining
them into anyone else's hand.
I'm an idiot
I'm stupid in love
But if our "fire" died to you,
Know that to me;
Flames creep through me like California wildfires,
With each exhale
I expell the chard remains
of who I was as I grow with you,
With each inhale I feed the fire fresh air and with every step
I leave embers in my wake.
I love you
God, I love you.
I'm not ready to sip from the basin of defeat.
I never will be.
I'll burn until my skin melts
I'll burn until the gravity of my love swallows the world around me
I'll burn until super nova
I'll burn until I implode into a black hole
to keep you by my side
379 · Jan 2016
A reminder to my love.
Denxai Mcmillon Jan 2016
I see the ache in your eyes
I see, saw and will see it
As long as I'm by your side.
I will never know what happened behind the doors
I'm not sure if I want to.
To leave you that sense of privacy
Or
Maybe it's because me not knowing
Is the only thing keeping him alive;
Nevertheless, I have a few things to give you.
Not words of advice.
Not words to tell you in which way you should live.
Words of who you truly are.
You are as beautiful as my hair is unruly.
You are as gentle as the moons light.
You are as kind as a lioness
You hold the power of the same lioness
You love deeply
You are so important.
Not only to me.
To your mother
To your sisters
To the brothers you find in my family.
To the sisters you find in my family
To the father you find in my family
Scratch that "my"
And replace it with "our"
I love you.
I love the person you are
Faults
And
All.
You don't have to carry the weight alone.
I'll carry half.
And when you're too tired to continue
I'll carry your half and you.
I love you.
You are more valuable than any gem
You are more valuable than any stone
You are valuable.
Never forget
You are loved.
On your darkest days
On your brightest nights
Drunk
High
Somewhere inbetween.
You are loved.
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